Struggling with so many things..

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Jun 22, 2011.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    For those who don't know my history, I'm fairly new to the world of difficult children. My daughter was a easy child until about 12, and the difficult child stuff cam slowly until it peaked around age 18. She will be 20 next week.

    She left college (a small, private college in VA) 3 /4 through her freshman year to live with a guy she met on the internet ... in North Carolina. We are in Ohio and we managed to get her back here with the promise she'd get a job, pay rent, etc.

    She's had three jobs (all pt) since then and got fired for the most recent. It's sketchy as to why - she received a letter from loss prevention ( major retailer) outlining what she owed and the promisory not she'd signed. She has her dad buffaloed as to the "unfairness" of the accasations ... she says she was scanning coupons wrong ... right.

    Her sexual behavior is out of control ... she is in debt up to her ears.. I am positviely sick about the turn she has chosen to take with her life, but powerless to change it.

    Ostirich dad enables her. She is not speaking to me (for over a week) because she doesn't want to hear what I have to say about her situation....

    It's all so sad. I just needed to vent.

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There probably isnt much you can say to here really. Good news is that if she wasnt a difficult child before she turned into a teen then she will probably grow out of this in the not so distant future. Some rather learned psychiatrists call this adolescent psychosis. Its basically when normally sane kids go stupid but you really cant figure out what it is. Of course, by the time they hit about 23 -25, they turn back into normal people again.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet is right.

    I know her behavior is difficult child right now, but since she was a easy child before this all started, chances are she'll eventually snap out of it. Even many difficult children eventually come to their senses.

    It could be a mood disorder, sometimes they don't kick in to where they slap you across the face until the teen years. I think it's because of all the raging hormones myself. Tends to kick things into high gear.

    But it seems to me, unless I've finally officially become OLD, that teens seem to feed off drama and angst much more than they ever did. I know back when I was a teen we had plenty of those that did it, but they seemed somewhat balanced out by those who didn't. These seems like nearly all the kids are doing it. Maybe it's all the so called reality shows and such.......who knows. These days it seems to be all about extremes. And while when I was a teen, we were certainly no angels, very few kids went to the extremes of today's teens.

    I've seen many a kid take the nose dive into gfgdom, especially during the teen years. Many (because they're my kids ages and it's a small town) seem to have turned back around again and are doing well now. Some had mental disorders, most didn't. Some had awful childhoods, most didn't.

    I know it's frustrating for you. And it has to be doubly so with head in the sand dad running interference for her because all he's doing is making it take longer for her to learn what she needs to learn. ugh Hopefully he'll get a clue soon.

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Lots of hugs. It is so hard to watch and not be able to do anything. Esp if your spouse is not able to see what is going on.
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There's not much worse than watching your difficult child make a shambles of their lives, bad decision after bad decision. It's an incredibly helpless feeling, especially when you can see what's going to happen, and then your predictions are right time after time. But I agree with the others, that there is hope for your daughter. Only recently has Oldest become fairly stable and self-sufficient, and she's 27 now. And she was a difficult child from the beginning. Youngest, another story.. but I'm holding out hope for her as well.

    Hang in there..
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Thanks for your support, guys. I hope your right about her snapping out of it, but I hold very little hope for that. She seems oblivious to consequenses. Her dad is a classic conflict-avoider. She has stolen money and painkillers from him. He asked her about it and she lied, of course. He shrugs and says "I can't prove it". WTH???? You don't have to prove anything! The money and the vicodin were there and then they weren't....what's to "prove"? He believes her story about the firing because she had an answer so quickly when the letter arrived from loss prevention. I asked, why did she tell you she was fired - over the phone no less - for not meeting her sales quota if she was so unfairly fired? He just sighs. When I do calll her on her lies, she just runs to daddy who listens, nods, gives her a hug and tells her he believes her! Ugh!

    She posts on FB and Tumblr about using pot. I asked him about it and he said she's open about using it and he's told her she may not use it in his house. Good gracious.

    I guess the good news is that she doesn't live with me. I wouldn't put up with any of this nonesense. There's not much I can do from a distatance, but I do worry and I honestly miss talking to her.

    Her birthday is monday and I told her, a while ago, I'd like to take her to dinner. I'm sure I'll see her then.

    Thanks for listening.

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Many of us "feel your pain" as we have traveled or are traveling that downward slope. Since she is your only child I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for you and your husband. I'm glad to read that she is not living with you so you have some space and time to breathe inbetween the stressors. Sending very sincere caring thoughts your way. I know it is hard. DDD
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Offering hugs and extra strength, dash.
  9. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I really hope she can turn it around. I share your feeling of skepticism, what with DEX enabling her behavior. I hope it is something she can grow out of. I have had hope that my difficult child was growing out of it, but any more I am not very optimistic - I think that years of heavy drug use (heavy times two: heavy use, and heavy drugs) may have permanently warped her character. Stealing painkillers is not a good sign, sorry to say - difficult child did this last year at the beginning of her current slide. I have tons of sympathy for you.
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Dash I'm sorry. It sounds so much like what my difficult child was doing. She also got fired from every job she's had, one from a retailer in the mall because she returned merchandise her girlfriend bought on sale for the full price. She almost had us believe she didn't know it was bought at full price but we didn't fall for it in the end.

    Until your husband gets on the same page as you and stops enabling I don't think anything wil change, but you know that. At this point it's probably a good thing that she won't talk to you. She's not living in your house is she?

  11. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    She lives with her dad (within walking distance of my house - the house she grew up in). He has tiny windows of clarity, but they seem to close quickly! Part of his deal, I think, is that he lied to me for many years about everything during his affair. When she lies, he chooses to belive her unless there is cold, hard, irrefutable truth right in front of him. Even when he doesn't believe her, he says "it's not worth it to argue". With the vicoden, for example, she left her browser open on the computer and he checked her google history. She'd been googling "how many vicoden does it take to get high?". He goes to the bottle and finds only one pill left. He confronts, she denies. He rationalizes "it could be the cleaning lady". He (uncharacteristly) asks her again the next day. She claims her boyfriend was in terrible pain after hurting his hand and she gave them to him (five pills???). He asks about teh google history. She explains "well, I didn't want him to get HIGH so I had to know how many it takes." He drops the subject.


    He also says she plans to get an apartment with said boyfriend and he's trying to get me to trade her mattress for his. She has a tempurpedic. His rationalization? We don't want to giver her a $3,000 mattress to trash. I'lll take it and give hermine. Uh,no. She's not taking the mattress at all. He brought this up two weeks ago and I laughed. Yesterday he tells me "she's insisting she is taking her bedroom set". Over my dead body.

  12. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    there is hope she'll snap out of it, my daughter went through a really horrible patch from age 12-17 it was a nasty horrible horrible horrible 5yrs of crisis, chaos, & STRESS! around 16-17 she seemed to grow some connections in her brain and smarten up, and I don't say that sarcastically I believe that is what happened, she finally started to use her brain and realize the road she was on was leading her nowhere.

    Your daughter is 20 she's an adult it must be very tough to watch her make bad decisions but at this stage of her life you are really powerless to change anything, even when my daughter was going through this I couldn't change it. I had to pick my battles and muddle through, not knowing how life was going to end up. BUT....what I do know is, we can't control where their lives end up...all we can do is be there for them. We don't have to support their habbits and poor choices but we can always keep an olive branch sticking they know we love them and only want the best for the same time being firm. The last thing you want is for your daughter to disapear and never contact you or cut you daughter also lived with her dad off and on and it was super frustrating because they let her get away with so much, no rules etc...but then life wasn't perfect there either they had their her mom it was heartbreaking to watch her make these bad choices...and her dad was the spineless jelly's rough and I know it.

    As for the bedroom furniture, it's hers, let her have it...jmho...I left home at 17 and I can't imagine how I would have felt if my parents had said to me "you can't have your bedroom furniture it's ours.." I would have been devestated...and it would have put a thorn in our relationship...what matters is your daughter, not the furniture. Sorry hope that doesn't sound harsh, I"m just speaking as a mom..who has been there.(((((hugs))))
  13. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Thanks, April. I'm so glad your daughter snapped out of it. You never know, that's for sure. And things are not perfect with her dad. I know she misses her home and I know she misses me sometimes. I hope she knows I'm always there fo her. I'm going to stand firm about the furniture, though. For one thing, DEX is angling for the mattress for HIMSELF. If he wants a Tempurdedic, he can buy one. When he left, my lifestyle changed drastically. His did not. I moved out at 19 and it would never have occurred to me to ask for any furniture ... even "my" bedroom set. My parents helped me ..and I'll help her to a degree. But, no, she's not taking something that valuable at this point in her life with the behavior she's exhibiting. Someday I will give it to her, but not now....and I sure as heck am not going to give it to DEX! m