Support needed

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by applewoman, Aug 25, 2009.

  1. applewoman

    applewoman applewoman

    Hello Im new to here. I was surfing looking for something, anything to help me. My YD self harms and gets very low, although nothing has been diagnosed. She feels she does not fit in anywhere, apart from with a group of what even she describes as misfits. She is confused about her sexuality adn there has been one girl that we have felt is very much preying on her and manipulating her. Lots of history to this, and in the end we banned her from seeing her purely because it always ended up in her hurting herself and being very distressed. She never shares this with us, it just ends up that we find out one way or another - usually because I notice she is hiding her arms etc. It makes me so sad because she is a wonderful girl - really bright, way ahead of others her age, and pretty with the most beautiful eyes. But she sees none of this. :sad-very: We stagger from one crisis to another, and now we have hit a new one . I found out that she has been lying to us over and over - she has been to this girls house , and sees her. She has started smoking - although is the most venomous anti smoker to anyone else.and has even now admitted to having taken cannabis.
    My problem today, apart from having a heart that feels like it weighs a ton, is I just dont know what to do next to help her. She is angry at me for always trying to "fix things" - I dont really understand why this is wrong - I try to help in whatever way I can - but she says my ways of fixing dont work. I can accept that and I have made it clear that I have listened that she feels that. However, I have a young daughter here who is lying to me, doing stuff that she should not be doing - sex- drugs etc etc and I just dont know what to do - to discipline her, ground her, make sanctions - ro what... I am so worried about her running away again (to this girl) or hurting herself or worse..
    I am pretty broad minded - I can cope with her being gay if thats the truth of it - but I dont want to sit here and let her be manipulated into it because she is lonely and sad - nro do I accept that she is allowed to lie to me. Its a united front between me and my husband - he feels the same about this girl - perhaps more strongly than I do. YD does not understand what this girl has done wrong. by the way this girls mother has apparetnly bought her cigarettes and taken her home when YD has been upset. YD tells her I am abusive and violent, which is just not true. I have asked this parent to keep away from YD, but they just tell me that I obviously dont understand teens. (this is the youngest of 5 that we have brought up). Without going into details, this family is socially unpleasant - and live more like a commune, with same sex couples bringing up kids (and I dont agree that this is the best way - its a way but not the best way) - and i dont want their influence on my child. Am I wrong? If anyone could give some advice, I would be so grateful. I work with vulnerable kids all the time - (so unlikely to be an abusive and violent person eh?:confused:) and do knwo that I understand young people, but its so hard here when I love her so much and am so terrified about what behaviour may follow. Pls help :anxious:
    Thank you for reading.
  2. Christy

    Christy New Member


    I don't have any advice in this area but I am sure you will get many responses soon from those here who have been in similar situations.

    I'm glad you found us but sorry for the worries that brought you here.

  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Hi Applewoman,

    How old is YD? Has she seen a psychiatrist yet? Cutting is self-harm and (at least in the States) would be enough to get her a phospital admit for evaluation and stabilization.

    Again, you'd need to check with your local laws, but here if my daughter went to a 'friends' house and I wanted her to come home and she refused, especially if she was aided by the adults in that home, the police would go with me to get her and the first time the family would be warned that if they allowed her in their home again, they would be arrested for interference with the custody of a minor. An order of protection will also be possible against them (but if your only objection to them is that they are same-sex couples raising children, you won't get one; same-sex couples are legally allowed to raise their families and can do just as good a job as any other parent(s); this board isn't political so I will stop there).

    But the other family isn't your biggest problem, I think if you blocked access to them, your YD would just find another family to manipulate. You need to get her diagnosed and into treatment.

  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome--

    YD sounds a lot like many of the children here that we refer to as our "difficult child" (Gift from God). Angry, defiant, engaging in dangerous behaviors, feeling sad, down and depressed. It sounds like you need to intervene as soon as possible for she does more harm to herself.

    As JJJ says, self-harm such as cutting can get YD admitted to a crisis stabilization center for an evaluation. You should also be able to seek help from hospitals as well as your family doctor.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.
    I totally think she needs to be evaluated and under psychiatric care, but how old is she? To me, YD means up to 10. If she is 14, she's in more dangerous territory. If she is younger and doing these things already, I'd say it's time to get her in intensive therapy after the evaluation. Even if she is 14 or older I would try. Why is she lonely? What was her early development like? Can she socialize well? Did she ever have any delays?
    Are there psychiatric problems or substance abuse on the family tree?
    Since you know she has smoked pot it is possible, if not probable, that she is more involved with pot or other drugs and drinking than you know. My daughter started at 12 and we had no clue.
    You may want to do a signature like I did below. That gives us a quick overview in case we forgot.

    Welcome to the board!
  6. applewoman

    applewoman applewoman

    Thanks for your replies. I have tried to do a signature... not sure how to add it! (
    I dont want to rush into getting a psychiatric opinion. I am a professional myself... worked in mental health for years and now work with kids. I have no faith in what is available here. I have said to her that if she cuts herself again, we will have no choice but to seek help. Last time she did it, was at New Year - so maybe (please God) that will not come back. THe cannabis is a one off.... again - its normal teens experimentation - but needs watching? Its the loneliness and the inner despair that I dont knwo how to help.
    She is by far the brightest of my 5 kids ( and youngest). She is highly articulate and academically able. She is brilliant at socialising. I have taken her to work with me today, and she has been workign alongside me with children with autism - and she is amazing. Someone commented today on what a great relationship we have - and she laughed! But I said to her when we were home, just how great she was and how proud I am of her and can we not keep that now we are home! But she got grunty and uncooperative with me here... weird. I dont get it.
    ANyhow, Im not as tearful as I was a couple of days ago. its a great relief to be able to talk here, as its so hard with people who know me as it makes me feel such a failure. How come I can help others when I dont seem to be able to help the child I love so much?
    I have just dropped her off at a friends house, and she is glad to be out and trusted for a while. She knows we have to build this up again, and thats fine. Its just I still dont know how to approach the lying etc... am I jsut being a soft touch if I just love her, give her all I can in terms of time and attention adn not beat her up for it anymore?? I told her the other day that I am not made of concrete - and that I have feelings just the same as her - dont know what to do sometimes, feel sad and hopeless that I cant make things better - I dont think she had thought about that before. Maybe its helped.
    Thanks to all of you who replied. It helps so much.
    :peaceful: Alison