Talk about your PTSD....

[timer lady]

Yesterday afternoon I was ready to throw in the towel on kt; she'd only been home 2 days & had thrown mini meltdowns (more tantrums) & had come out the other end with an apology. I'm very proud of ktbug & the skills she's learned.

However, I find myself in "panic" mode when her defiance, tantrum, etc start up - I want to automatically reach for the phone & call crisis team or 911. husband is keeping me grounded.

I didn't realize what an impact all of those crisis team visits & 911 calls had on me.

This isn't kt - it's me. kt is doing very well (again, in kt terms). I, on the other hand, cannot relax yet. I don't trust the "new" skills she's learned.

I've planned, have a boatload of services here & I cannot trust the situation.

Irrational or not, I'm terrified of every little kt outburst.

More than anything, I miss my Mom - she kept me so grounded throughout all this stuff.

Okay - done with the whine, I'll pass the cheese for any who'd like to join in.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Hound dog]

Linda

It's understandable. Your brain has been "trained" to respond a certain way to kt's meltdowns, mini or not. It's become an automatic response. Retraining your brain that this response is not always necessary is going to take some time. This is going to be as big an adjustment period for you as it is for her.

You may have to talk yourself thru these mini meltdowns til your brain is sure that kt's coping skills are working. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up about it. Just keep in mind that you do have everything in place in case kt's mini meltdowns esculate.

(((hugs)))

 

[Suz]

Linda, I had something similar happen recently with Rob and the old tapes in my head had me in a PTSD panic mode, too. I don't know when they will fade for me. I do know that I needed a reality check via a phone call to my brother when I got home to help me get grounded again.

Big hugs of understanding.
Suz

 

[TYLERFAN]

For me it was the phone calls in the wee hours, the phone still is a trigger for me.
It was the waiting and waiting for the next emergency. The hyper-vigilance. My P-doctor, bless his soul, gave me medications to help me during these times. However, now years later, he says I have PTSD. Alot of things trigger those old reactions. It can be controlled though. Please ask your P-doctor about it, sometimes depression goes hand in hand with PTSD.

Good Luck.

Melissa

 

[Just keep swimming]

Linda,

I can relate in what you are saying. As soon as Aly starts with the grimacing or stomping or door slamming, I have the phone in my hand so fast! I am trying so hard to breathe deeply, try to make my brain assess the situation and see if there is another way of dealing with her meltdowns than me calling crisis team or 911. Thankfully, Aly's stuff has been small in comparison to what it used to be but I find myself still reacting with the same severity of a HUGE meltdown. I really need work in this area!!!

Hugs, you are doing so well!!!

Vickie

 

[Janna]

Linda, my friend

I totally understand you.

I have more PTSD than I care to admit to. Additonally, I am sure I probably fit into the Bipolar criteria somewhere, as my depression is again, returning, and oddly enough never seems to fully go away.

I see the phone numbers for the school come up and my stomache gets ill. I can tell when Dylan is ready to get upset, I remember every single sign of the pre-rage stuff, and I have to walk away.

I have nightmares now, mostly concerning difficult child 2. I am currently dealing with the previous foster mother, her inappropriate communications with my son, and all the "others" in the mix that are unhelpful. I do not sleep through the night. Never. I am high strung, get angry at things I shouldn't, and am overall not a happy go lucky person like I was.

SO said to me a few months ago, "I wish I could have the old Janna back".

I don't know that will ever happen. I've been through just too much.

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. Thanks for allowing me to vent also.

Janna

 

[Wiped Out]

Linda,
I think what you are experiencing is so normal. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of you

 

[timer lady]

Needless to say, I'm going to see my therapist this week. I think I timed that correctly.

I really thought I had a better handle on things; that I had been recharged & refocused.

kt is in her room for the night - husband is in his office working on something or another. I'm just enjoying the quiet.

Thank you again.

 

[Suz]

I really thought I had a better handle on things; that I had been recharged & refocused.

You probably are recharged and refocused psychologically, Linda, but I think something really dire happens to our nervous system over a period of time and I figure that's what you are dealing with. I hope you will share what your therapist says. I'd love to understand this fragility of spirit a little bit better myself.

Suz

 

[timer lady]

Suz,

If therapist has any insights or a breakthrough treatment I'll let you know. I expect he'll prescribe a round of golf (the man is an avid golfer).

 

[Suz]

Well, a round of golf will help take care of the psychiatric part of it. I'm more curious about the physiological part- my theory is that it's related to how goofed up our adrenaline "fight or flight" reserves become after long term use/abuse.

Suz

 

[ScentofCedar]

I agree, I think.

We just went through a thing with a phone call from our difficult child. I went zooming into that old place I used to be in all the time in about ten seconds flat.

It was the strangest thing too ~ it felt like I could see out?

But I just could not GET out.

There was a sense of deja vu, and this strange, timeless feeling as well ~ like I was walking through ten thousand mirrored images of myself doing the same things.

And failing.

And there was this so intense feeling of guilt and shame and ~ I don't know. Like I was doing everything wrong, and would always do everything wrong, but I still had to try.

I will be watching to learn what your therapist says, too.

Barbara

 

[rejectedmom]

Linda, As you probably remember I am still in a not so subtle PTSD mode. I do think that hormonally we do get screwed up after so many years and/or eposodes of FOF responses. While you might indeed have your head on straight your body memory is kicking in. Meditation and deep breathing exercises do help me some. Talking to therapist helped also. Keep you personal support group strong. You still have rocky terraine to cover. you are going to need to actively take care of yourself also.
-RM

 

['Chelle]

My difficult child hasn't had a true meltdown in probably 2 1/2 years now, can't believe it's been that long. I still get a tense feeling every time I see him getting upset, or banging around in his room because he's angry about something. And if the teacher calls, my stomach drops faster than when on a fast elevator. When you've had to deal with things like this so much for years, does the feeling ever go away even if difficult children improve and the meltdowns become trantrums at best? If anyone knows a way I'm ready to try it. LOL

 

[dreamer]

after suffering from severe PTSD myself due to repeated sex abuse at hands of uncles and stepparents, and then being stalked for years by a pyscho----and then having my husband become catatonic for years due to combat related PTSD....

 

[dreamer]

I was just wondering.maybe you could use your mom as your role model and try to focus your energy on being there for kt the way your mom was for you?
Just a thought.........if it can apply. If not, toss the idea.

 

[timer lady]

dreamer, I have learned all my parenting skills from my mom & dad. It's frustrating that none of it works here.

However, I have been keeping Mom in mind. How would she handle this? Mom was a remarkably strong woman...handled the challenges sent her way with grace & dignity.

I hate the fact that a bit of yelling by kt or wm approaching me in a certain manner makes me panic or want to run away.

I have survived worse & will get over this challenge.

by the way, therapist appointment was rescheduled because kt was ill today - his only suggestion on the phone today was to use in home staff as much as possible for kt; utilize the anti anxiety medications I have & plan on various coping skills. He'd like approval from my insurance company to utilize EMDR for me.

We'll see.