Chasing Happiness
New Member
Well i am new to this forum and a friend directed me here after doing some online searches in hope she could find a place that i could vent and feel less alone.
I have a rocky relationship with 2 out of 3 of my adult children. My oldest is 22, married with kids of her own and we get along fantastic. we are like best friends. my second daughter is 20 and is 5 months pg with her first baby and she has a boyfriend i really cannot stand but i try to tolerate. My son is going to be 19 in a few months and is now staying with his father.
Me and my daughter have always butted heads since she was a little girl. she could never accept no for an answer with anything. As a teen she gave me a run for my money and i dealt with alot of stress with her. She got pg at 15 yrs old 2 times in a 4 month time frame and had early miscarriages both times. i stood by her. when she was 16 she went to go live with her dad. Before i got further with things i want to say i was married to my kids father for 8 years. he was abusive to me, an alcoholic and a neglectful father to my kids. I am now 41 yrs old and remarried for almost 13 yrs now to a wonderful man who helped raise and care for my kids. Ok, so my daughter went to live with her father because she wanted to get to know him and have a relationship with him. She lasted about 2 months there and didnt like living in the country so she came back home to live with us. She was getting high, drinking, skipping school, and finally got herself in trouble when she skipped school oneday and her and two others broke into 3 homes in town and stole things, and vandalized the places. they were caught and were arrested and we had to go before juvenile court. Because of her drug history they placed her in a rehab for 90 days instead of a boot camp. The rehab was 60 miles round trip for us but every single sunday we were there for our visitation supporting her in hopes she would shape up. We brought things for her, put money on her tab so she could have her hair done or buy things from the store there. We were there in the snow and below cold temps. We were there even when i was sick as a dog because i had to make sure she had her xmas gifts to open on xmas. Her father never went once to see her. I sent her letters every single week inlcluding cards for things. My husband, me and my oldest daughter even went to weekend retreat where we stayed for the weekend in a cabin in the dead of winter so we could learn how to deal with her and help her once she was out of rehab. So she finally got out and i took her to therapy, she was on probation etc... She wanted to go to vo tech for cosmotology and i was thrilled so i talked with her guidance counselor to get her into that school because at that time she was going to a school for kids with behavioral problems. She did get in and i went and bought her the clothes she was required to wear, paid for a cosm kit for her etc... she went to school 3 days out of 30 and kept skipping. once probation was over she stopped going to school altogether. she held a part time job for awhile and then quit. She had a boyfriend i didnt like and hes still with her now and i still dont like him. He is 25 yrs old, doesnt work, and is not who i wanted my daughter to be with but i learned to respect its her life and therefore i bite my tongue when it comes to her relationship because its her life and she is now 20 yrs old. She had moved out awhile and then asked to stay with us for a few weeks and i said ok and the few weeks turned into 4 1/2 months of her loafing around, and her boyfriend always being at our home doing nothing either. I told her that in the spring my husband and i were going to be moving and she needed to find a place because i couldnt take the stress of it no more so i wasnt letting her move with us because we were always fighting and her boyfriend was always there too so he was there eating our food and lying around and i wasnt having that in our new place. She ended up moving in with a friend and her boyfriend is there too. she is pg with her first child. For the past months we fought often, and now are finally on talking terms so trying to hope for the best and see how it goes.
As for my son, its a whole different problem. He is going to be 19 in 4 months. I have such agonizing pain and stress from him that i suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, depression and have decided to go see a professional to help me because i cannot keep going on like this. Over the past 2 yrs my son has verbally abused me, manipulated me, used me, and treated me and my husband horribly. He refused to go to school once he turned 17. Refused to get a job or listen to us. He wouldnt do one thing to help around the house and played xbox live all day and watched movies on netflix. He could also never accept the word no for anything and if i said no then he harrassed and verbally abused me till i couldnt take no more and gave in. My son has anger management problems and though he has never physically hit me, his words have cut me deeply. He punched holes through our walls, doors, broke things, threw things, screamed in my face, cursed at me and threatened me. Said horrible things to me on a regular basis like im a terrible human being, a piece of **** mom, he wishes i would die and wouldnt shed a tear if i did because he hates my guts. Things that made me cry and be so depressed over and even questioning myself as to what have i done wrong. It got so bad i used to hide from him in my bedroom during the day until my husband got home from work just so i could avoid my son. I began drinking due to the stress and depression and have struggling to cope ever since. I never had this problem before the cruelty and sadness my son has caused me. My heart breaks, i cry rivers of tears and yet i feel such emptiness inside. Strangers are nicer to me then my own son.
My son is selfish and all about himself. He wants what he wants when he wants it and if my answer is no then he makes sure i suffer. I told him way before we moved that he needed to get a job and find a place because he couldnt come with us. There was no way i could continue living like that. He still refused a job. He had one job and lasted 2 days. He sold his car so he could buy a phone and a video game when i begged him not to sell the car, and he continually laughed at me when i tried to help him. I begged him to go into counseling but her refused. So before we moved he ended up moving to his dads. He came for a weekend to spend with us before we moved and it went well. Then a few days later he called me to ask if he could move with us and when i said he couldnt he got verbally aggressive to me on the phone. We didnt talk for about a month but in the meantime he did text my cell phone with very hateful things he felt he wanted to say to me.
So we bought a place. We love it and i was beginning to finally feel some peace in my life. So after me and my son hadnt seen each other in 2 months, he asked to come visit, so my husband went and picked him up. Its over an hr drive each way. We had a nice visit and then when it was time for him to go back to his dads, he asked if he could move in. I told him he couldnt. The whole ride to his dads was him being mad at me once again. Telling me he has changed. Me not trusting that he did and hoping he wasnt trying to use me once again for his own benefit and wanting to believe my son really wanted a relationship with me. So we left him off and came home to a nasty message on our phones voicemail. I didnt respond to it.
Then i got a call the next week with him telling me hes not getting along with his dad and needs to stay here. I tell him he cant and i am not changing my mind. When i say this son calls me names and belittles me, i mean he does it very well. He calls me names a man should never ever call any woman let alone his own mother. He screams at me, curses at me and cuts me down to the core.
Then i get a letter in the mail to tell me again what a bad mom i am, that his step mom is now his new mom and im a selfish *****, im this and im that. So i wrote back to him telling him exactly how i feel. It was a 4 page letter i sent and i wasnt mean but i was brutally honest and it felt freeing to write it out. So then he calls me again to say again he wants to stay here and i again say no. i put him on speaker phone so my husband could hear what was being said and my son was screaming so bad at me that we couldnt even understand him because that is how loud and irrate he was. He ended up telling me F You ***** and hung up. I had an anxiety attack after that call and was up half the night so upset and sick to my stomach over it.
I have decided at this point if he calls for awhile im going to just let it go to voicemail. He can no longer visit here until things change and they need to be changed for awhile by beginning with a phone relationship before i allow him into my home again because i cannot keep putting myself through this pain. I know he was again trying to use me so he could have xbox live, lay on his ass and do nothing and see his friends. This past time really hurt me most because i really was believing he loved me and wanted a mother/son relationship but he didnt. He just wanted to use me for his own needs and wants.
Its so hard to not dwell on or hurt over. The pain is with me every day. How do you just move on and be happy without your adult child when you carried that child in your womb, gave birth, raised and loved? Im finding it so difficult to let go but me hanging on is killing me inside.
Well thanks for listening.
I have a rocky relationship with 2 out of 3 of my adult children. My oldest is 22, married with kids of her own and we get along fantastic. we are like best friends. my second daughter is 20 and is 5 months pg with her first baby and she has a boyfriend i really cannot stand but i try to tolerate. My son is going to be 19 in a few months and is now staying with his father.
Me and my daughter have always butted heads since she was a little girl. she could never accept no for an answer with anything. As a teen she gave me a run for my money and i dealt with alot of stress with her. She got pg at 15 yrs old 2 times in a 4 month time frame and had early miscarriages both times. i stood by her. when she was 16 she went to go live with her dad. Before i got further with things i want to say i was married to my kids father for 8 years. he was abusive to me, an alcoholic and a neglectful father to my kids. I am now 41 yrs old and remarried for almost 13 yrs now to a wonderful man who helped raise and care for my kids. Ok, so my daughter went to live with her father because she wanted to get to know him and have a relationship with him. She lasted about 2 months there and didnt like living in the country so she came back home to live with us. She was getting high, drinking, skipping school, and finally got herself in trouble when she skipped school oneday and her and two others broke into 3 homes in town and stole things, and vandalized the places. they were caught and were arrested and we had to go before juvenile court. Because of her drug history they placed her in a rehab for 90 days instead of a boot camp. The rehab was 60 miles round trip for us but every single sunday we were there for our visitation supporting her in hopes she would shape up. We brought things for her, put money on her tab so she could have her hair done or buy things from the store there. We were there in the snow and below cold temps. We were there even when i was sick as a dog because i had to make sure she had her xmas gifts to open on xmas. Her father never went once to see her. I sent her letters every single week inlcluding cards for things. My husband, me and my oldest daughter even went to weekend retreat where we stayed for the weekend in a cabin in the dead of winter so we could learn how to deal with her and help her once she was out of rehab. So she finally got out and i took her to therapy, she was on probation etc... She wanted to go to vo tech for cosmotology and i was thrilled so i talked with her guidance counselor to get her into that school because at that time she was going to a school for kids with behavioral problems. She did get in and i went and bought her the clothes she was required to wear, paid for a cosm kit for her etc... she went to school 3 days out of 30 and kept skipping. once probation was over she stopped going to school altogether. she held a part time job for awhile and then quit. She had a boyfriend i didnt like and hes still with her now and i still dont like him. He is 25 yrs old, doesnt work, and is not who i wanted my daughter to be with but i learned to respect its her life and therefore i bite my tongue when it comes to her relationship because its her life and she is now 20 yrs old. She had moved out awhile and then asked to stay with us for a few weeks and i said ok and the few weeks turned into 4 1/2 months of her loafing around, and her boyfriend always being at our home doing nothing either. I told her that in the spring my husband and i were going to be moving and she needed to find a place because i couldnt take the stress of it no more so i wasnt letting her move with us because we were always fighting and her boyfriend was always there too so he was there eating our food and lying around and i wasnt having that in our new place. She ended up moving in with a friend and her boyfriend is there too. she is pg with her first child. For the past months we fought often, and now are finally on talking terms so trying to hope for the best and see how it goes.
As for my son, its a whole different problem. He is going to be 19 in 4 months. I have such agonizing pain and stress from him that i suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, depression and have decided to go see a professional to help me because i cannot keep going on like this. Over the past 2 yrs my son has verbally abused me, manipulated me, used me, and treated me and my husband horribly. He refused to go to school once he turned 17. Refused to get a job or listen to us. He wouldnt do one thing to help around the house and played xbox live all day and watched movies on netflix. He could also never accept the word no for anything and if i said no then he harrassed and verbally abused me till i couldnt take no more and gave in. My son has anger management problems and though he has never physically hit me, his words have cut me deeply. He punched holes through our walls, doors, broke things, threw things, screamed in my face, cursed at me and threatened me. Said horrible things to me on a regular basis like im a terrible human being, a piece of **** mom, he wishes i would die and wouldnt shed a tear if i did because he hates my guts. Things that made me cry and be so depressed over and even questioning myself as to what have i done wrong. It got so bad i used to hide from him in my bedroom during the day until my husband got home from work just so i could avoid my son. I began drinking due to the stress and depression and have struggling to cope ever since. I never had this problem before the cruelty and sadness my son has caused me. My heart breaks, i cry rivers of tears and yet i feel such emptiness inside. Strangers are nicer to me then my own son.
My son is selfish and all about himself. He wants what he wants when he wants it and if my answer is no then he makes sure i suffer. I told him way before we moved that he needed to get a job and find a place because he couldnt come with us. There was no way i could continue living like that. He still refused a job. He had one job and lasted 2 days. He sold his car so he could buy a phone and a video game when i begged him not to sell the car, and he continually laughed at me when i tried to help him. I begged him to go into counseling but her refused. So before we moved he ended up moving to his dads. He came for a weekend to spend with us before we moved and it went well. Then a few days later he called me to ask if he could move with us and when i said he couldnt he got verbally aggressive to me on the phone. We didnt talk for about a month but in the meantime he did text my cell phone with very hateful things he felt he wanted to say to me.
So we bought a place. We love it and i was beginning to finally feel some peace in my life. So after me and my son hadnt seen each other in 2 months, he asked to come visit, so my husband went and picked him up. Its over an hr drive each way. We had a nice visit and then when it was time for him to go back to his dads, he asked if he could move in. I told him he couldnt. The whole ride to his dads was him being mad at me once again. Telling me he has changed. Me not trusting that he did and hoping he wasnt trying to use me once again for his own benefit and wanting to believe my son really wanted a relationship with me. So we left him off and came home to a nasty message on our phones voicemail. I didnt respond to it.
Then i got a call the next week with him telling me hes not getting along with his dad and needs to stay here. I tell him he cant and i am not changing my mind. When i say this son calls me names and belittles me, i mean he does it very well. He calls me names a man should never ever call any woman let alone his own mother. He screams at me, curses at me and cuts me down to the core.
Then i get a letter in the mail to tell me again what a bad mom i am, that his step mom is now his new mom and im a selfish *****, im this and im that. So i wrote back to him telling him exactly how i feel. It was a 4 page letter i sent and i wasnt mean but i was brutally honest and it felt freeing to write it out. So then he calls me again to say again he wants to stay here and i again say no. i put him on speaker phone so my husband could hear what was being said and my son was screaming so bad at me that we couldnt even understand him because that is how loud and irrate he was. He ended up telling me F You ***** and hung up. I had an anxiety attack after that call and was up half the night so upset and sick to my stomach over it.
I have decided at this point if he calls for awhile im going to just let it go to voicemail. He can no longer visit here until things change and they need to be changed for awhile by beginning with a phone relationship before i allow him into my home again because i cannot keep putting myself through this pain. I know he was again trying to use me so he could have xbox live, lay on his ass and do nothing and see his friends. This past time really hurt me most because i really was believing he loved me and wanted a mother/son relationship but he didnt. He just wanted to use me for his own needs and wants.
Its so hard to not dwell on or hurt over. The pain is with me every day. How do you just move on and be happy without your adult child when you carried that child in your womb, gave birth, raised and loved? Im finding it so difficult to let go but me hanging on is killing me inside.
Well thanks for listening.
