Tears wont stop

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LoneMom, Feb 5, 2017.

  1. LoneMom

    LoneMom New Member

    Don't have anyone to talk to.
    My daughter met some loser from out of state.
    I said NO from day 1.
    With 4 months, 5 dates... she has just left my home to go live with this stranger.
    I can't stop crying, everything is a struggle.

    I couldn't say anything right so now i blame myself for saying everything wrong.

    I feel so bad to lose my wonderful daughter this way.
    I feel useless.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you are sad. How old is she? This happens a lot with social media now, sadly.she may see hes not for her and leave him. She really bearly knows him. Has she beeen a problem for a long time?

    I find it best to stay calm if they are adult age, at least when talking to them. If we lose it, they feel powerful and think we are weak.
     
  3. LoneMom

    LoneMom New Member

    Thanks for reply. No, she's been a great kid all along. She's 22. But she always finds damaged guys and clings for dear life.
    She recently graduated college and was just starting a job search for her career.

    My hopes were
    1. Get your job
    2. Find a nice guy at work
    3. Date & see if he's the one.

    Instead she met this out of state guy
    Who is a pothead, liar and now she has lied too. She's ready to start her career
    This guy has just started comm. College... 4 years late? All i see are red flags.

    I'm so disappointed & ashamed.
     
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    At this age, you can pretty much just stand by and wait... Try to be supportive. Let her know you love her and you hope it works. Then back off. If you caused a scene, apologize. Let her know you were just scared of losing her.

    Don't rescue, don't support financially. Remember her with small gifts on important days. Be there, without really bring there.

    Check out the Detachment article if the Parent Emeritus forum. It is more for parents of young adults...

    Hang in there! And take care of yourself.

    Ksm
     
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  5. LoneMom

    LoneMom New Member

    I think i should delete this.
     
  6. LoneMom

    LoneMom New Member

    Thanks so much.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We understand.

    But we also learned that we have no con4trol over our adult kids. We cant make them live our dreams for them. They are not us
    See what happens. She may leave him. It is likely. But that doesnt mean she will then go along with your list of what you want for her. They do it their way, not our way. And we can accept it or cause alienation.

    Time to maybe staRt living your life. We all have to let go at some time. I have four adult kids. I learned!!! And why are you ashamed? Your daughter is not you. And she will date who she likes. Her dream guy may not be yours.

    And it might be. Its all up to her.

    Hugs!!
     
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    Last edited: Feb 5, 2017
  8. LoneMom

    LoneMom New Member

    Thanks, I'm trying. I just keep telling myself there's nothing i can do.
    All i ever wanted was for her to find a good guy. Life is so hard with a bad partner.
    Thanks for the hugs!

    Yes I'm starting to make some plans for myself. (I miss talking to her. We did everything together)
    Thanks.
     
  9. LoneMom

    LoneMom New Member

    Thank you all. I guess time will heal my dented heart.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Aw.trust me. My youngest was veryclosd to us but she went fo colkege and has s nice boyfrind and they are tslking marriage. She sees us but its different. Her boyfriend is her future. We are still clise but she is growing up. I miss our days as buddies but i kow she has to move on. She is my baby.

    We give them roots to grow and wings to fly.

    You can do this. We all have to. Tbis is my fourth kid i had to let go. Its never easy.
     
  11. LoneMom

    LoneMom New Member

    She's my only one. I'm feeling lost. I never in a million years thought she'd run of with a stranger. I'm still in shock. Thanks so much.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She may come back. Give it time.
     
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi LoneMom

    I hope you have found a bit of peace for now.

    I bet she will be back soon. That she ran off with him does not mean she will stay. Somebody I know said this: "My mama didn't raise no fools." If he is that much of a loser, she will soon catch on.

    The thing that all of us are struggling to learn is this: That we raise them, but cannot live their lives for them. They have to do that themselves. We cannot shield them from consequences no matter how much we try. That is our lesson to learn, that we have to let them live their lives as they might, and hope that they learn without suffering a great deal. But even that we do not control.

    I have tried.
     
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  14. LoneMom

    LoneMom New Member

    Thanks for good advice. I feel a lil better. ♡
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    LoneMom:

    Don't be so hard on yourself. These kids are young and sometimes they do crazy things. I know I did some crazy things when I was young that I would never do now.

    I'd be more worried about her safety - if the guy is a psycho etc. than anything.

    Everyone's advice is good. Just hang in there. She'll probably be back sooner than you think and be a lot wiser.
     
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    LoneMom...I'm going to play Devil's advocate here. Please don't be offended.

    My son could be the guy your daughter has hooked up with. He's 21, dropped out of college (never really attended), generally doesn't work, is currently shacked up in a college dorm with a college girl who, I guess, is supporting him. He's a pothead and well...there's a reason he isn't home...you get the idea. But, he's not a BAD guy. He doesn't beat women. He hasn't been in jail. He's not into hard drugs. He's lazy. He's entitled. I'm sure he has issues.

    BUT, I have hope he'll change and get a better education and a steady job.

    Maybe, this young man your daughter is now with...maybe he's changing. Maybe he's changing because of your daughter's good example. He's just started Community College. This is a GOOD thing! So he's 4 years late...so what? Lot's of people don't go straight to college. I'm a lawyer. My husband got his degree going to college nights and on-line AFTER I met and married him 16 years ago! He's an absolutely wonderful man! Not having gone to college tells you zero about the young man.

    She's a grown woman and clearly she has been a decent, responsible person to date. She is capable of choosing her own mate. Maybe she's choosing poorly, but you know what? That's not a life sentence. She's smart enough to support herself. She's smart enough to leave if he's not what she wants. She's very young. She'll likely have several relationships in her future.

    You are seeing this as a disaster. It may not be. Your daughter hasn't abandoned you...she's moved on with her own life as young adults do. Try to stay positive. She's a good girl, right? Remember that. Keep communication open. You don't have to support her choice, but being judgmental will drive a wedge between you. Remember, if it IS a disaster - you want her to be able to turn to you without fearing an "I told you so".
     
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  17. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I think there is a good chance she will be back in due time. Something will bother her and she will begin to see the light. We know someone who is very much like this. Often picking young men who for one reason or another have some sort of issue. Her latest boyfriend has issues, but thank goodness he is a very nice guy and his issues are much more minor than in the past. So, bottom line she has learned from her mistakes. And, I suppose if she breaks up with this fella..the next one might be completely different. It's been an interesting, slow process...with progress incrementally, but progress nevertheless. (And if she ended up with the current person permanently, it wouldnt be that bad at all!!!!)
    My thought is, as best as you can, refrain from making any critical comments of the guy...you can subtly make her know you are against drug use and any illegal activity. But refrain from harsh critism and let her know that you still love her and any other positives you can say. (She sounds like a sweet and intelligent girl). This way, later on, if (and when!) she realizes this was an error in judgment she will come to you readily. This is NOT easy. Seek counseling if needed. Find healthy ways to comfort yourself.
     
  18. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    My daughter did this same thing- moving to a different state with a guy she met on the internet- about 6 years ago. She had her infant daughter with her too, but left her aggressive dog with me. I was a basket case and had to work hard on detaching so I could maintain my own health and sanity. I will say all of my struggles with her have taught me to take care of myself and guard my peace of mind, so something positive came from it all. None of this is your fault. If you could control your daughter with your words she wouldn't have gone, so realize that you are not at fault for this. It was her choice. If/when you speak to her focus on positive things and don't let her suck you into an argument about the situation. I urge you to spend time figuring out how to detach and put your own health and well-being as your number 1 priority. Be as kind with yourself as you would any friend in the same situation. Sending peace your way.
     
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  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Self Compassion is something we all could use a dose of!
     
  20. SuperG

    SuperG Member

    I feel your pain LoneMom. I can relate to everything you are feeling. My only child lives her life with the same conviction toward toxic men. We struggle to find the sense in it, but much of the time never figure it out. Spend time learning how to detach and unenmesh, all while loving her without enabling. It's not easy, and I still don't have it right most of the time. But you will find a lot of support here. Hugs <3