The Blame Game

[JKF]

I wrote a quick post yesterday just to say hi and check in since I haven't been around much lately. I explained that things with difficult child#1 are still the same. Boy are they ever! He's gotten caught stealing at least 3 times in his PCR. The way he does it is that he offers to fix someone's electronic gadget (IPOD, gameboy, PSP, etc). He tells them he'll return it to them when it's fixed. He then SELLS the object or keeps it for his own use and never returns it to the other person! He always denies it and still weeks and months later he refuses to admit he did it although he's been caught RED HANDED! I'm fed up with this behavior. He's almost 18 (we're on the 4 month countdown) and he's got to start taking some responsibility for his actions!!!

Anyway, last week I wrote a letter to his one of the clinician's. In the letter I explained that although I love difficult child I'm tired of his behavior and if he's not going to try to change then I'm pretty much done wasting my time. I'll still be apart of his life and always love him but I'm not going to invest anymore time in family therapy, etc. It accomplishes NOTHING and I wind up wasting a day off from work and losing money because of it! I got a letter back last night from another clinician at the facility. She basically said that all of his issues are with me and that's why he behaves the way he does and I need to keep trying no matter what. Umm ok...I'm willing and have been willing to try with him but when is enough enough?? I know his issues are with me but he does NOTHING to try to work on them! Not one thing. So what am I supposed to do? Be a doormat and let him blame me for every little thing that goes wrong in his life? When he steals it's my fault. When he lies it's my fault. Guess what? I'm DONE with that!

 

[DaisyFace]

JKF--

in my humble opinion, the counselor is an idiot. What is it that she thinks you are doing to "make" him steal? It's ridiculous...

You have four months left? I think that's four counseling appointments - then done. You can document that you tried everything right up until his 18th birthday.

(((Hugs)))

 

[DDD]

Ditto, DaisyFace. If you're near the finish line...limp yourself across so it can never be said you were a quitter. So sorry it has not gotten better. Hugs DDD

 

[JKF]

JKF--

in my humble opinion, the counselor is an idiot. What is it that she thinks you are doing to "make" him steal? It's ridiculous...

You have four months left? I think that's four counseling appointments - then done. You can document that you tried everything right up until his 18th birthday.

(((Hugs)))

I agree DaisyFace! She's definitely an idiot! They ALL are! It's so frustrating because the more they allow him to blame me, the more he thinks he can manipulate! They are doing him a great disservice by allowing him to get away with this! At this point, he's got them exactly where he wants them! He has an "out" for his behavior yet doesn't have to work on any of his issues. It's his dream come true!

And yes, four months to go! I almost want to shout it from the rooftops but 4 months with a difficult child is still a long time! I have made it clear to them that I will only continue with the monthly family sessions because they accomplish nothing. And yes, I have everything documented. Emails, letters, etc.

Thanks for the hugs! ((((((Hugs)))))) back to you!! Hope all is well in your world!

 

[JKF]

Ditto, DaisyFace. If you're near the finish line...limp yourself across so it can never be said you were a quitter. So sorry it has not gotten better. Hugs DDD

DDD - that's exactly what I'm planning to do. I'm determined to see this through to the end because that way they can NEVER say I didn't try! Of course he'll say I didn't try but that's because everything's my fault! I see that being the pattern for the rest of his life but that doesn't mean I have to put up with it!

 

[Methuselah]

JKF, your son is 17 soon to be 18. He understands stealing is wrong; he just doesn't care. YOU are not responsible for HIS choices. The therapist is an idiot, as I have found most therapists to be. :-/

My difficult child 2 is a master thief and liar. Every therapist we took her to had different reason she stole. The only constant reason came from difficult child 2: I wanted it, so I took it. She knows it is wrong; she just doesn't care. She never feels guilt or remorse or shame. She is completely content with her behavior and how it effects others. Punishments don't change her behavior. Ever. She just hones her skills…"That's not the way to do it the next time." And she doesn't. I don't know why she steals. Frankly, I don't care. She is very aware it is wrong. She just doesn't care.

I so wish I had helpful answers for you. I don't. I do know this: find peace with your efforts, if you haven't. Accepting I have done all I can do to help her has helped me immensely. I am still upset, frustrated and mad, but I don't feel guilty.

 

[Bunny]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Personally, I think that a good therapist should be able to see when the difficult child is avoiding working on themselves and just getting by by blaming the other people in their life. Someone needs to tell him that he's almost legally an adult and it's time to stop blaming mommy for his poor choices. It's not like you're standing over him and telling him to steal X's Ipod. If the therapist can't or won't do that, then I agree with you that it's a waste of time. But like the others said, if you just limp across the finish line no one can say that you didn't try up until the very end.

 

[JKF]

JKF, your son is 17 soon to be 18. He understands stealing is wrong; he just doesn't care. YOU are not responsible for HIS choices. The therapist is an idiot, as I have found most therapists to be. :-/

My difficult child 2 is a master thief and liar. Every therapist we took her to had different reason she stole. The only constant reason came from difficult child 2: I wanted it, so I took it. She knows it is wrong; she just doesn't care. She never feels guilt or remorse or shame. She is completely content with her behavior and how it effects others. Punishments don't change her behavior. Ever. She just hones her skills…"That's not the way to do it the next time." And she doesn't. I don't know why she steals. Frankly, I don't care. She is very aware it is wrong. She just doesn't care.

I so wish I had helpful answers for you. I don't. I do know this: find peace with your efforts, if you haven't. Accepting I have done all I can do to help her has helped me immensely. I am still upset, frustrated and mad, but I don't feel guilty.

He definitely knows stealing is wrong and like your daughter he takes things because he wants them. He has no remorse. No regard for other people. He simply doesn't care. Yesterday I was researching Antisocial Personality Disorder because as of now one of his diagnosis's is Conduct Disorder with Antisocial Traits. It said they can't formally diagnose Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) until age 18 but every single symptom describes my difficult child to a "t". Every single one! And it also said that without the person being willing to change that he most likely never will.

I appreciate your reply. It's so nice to have support and have people to share things with who understand what it's like to have a difficult child. I have definitely found peace. I know that I've tried and to a certain degree am still trying to do everything I can to help him but he simply doesn't want to be helped. The guilt is mostly gone. I've started to detach and let go. It's sad but it's necessary. Maybe one day things will be different but I'm no longer hopeful that they will be. That's the only way I can keep my peace of mind!

 

[JKF]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Personally, I think that a good therapist should be able to see when the difficult child is avoiding working on themselves and just getting by by blaming the other people in their life. Someone needs to tell him that he's almost legally an adult and it's time to stop blaming mommy for his poor choices. It's not like you're standing over him and telling him to steal X's Ipod. If the therapist can't or won't do that, then I agree with you that it's a waste of time. But like the others said, if you just limp across the finish line no one can say that you didn't try up until the very end.

Now that I have that finish line in sight I'm more than ready to limp or drag myself over or do whatever I need to do to get across it! lol As for the therapist(s) they only hear what they want to hear. He's so good at manipulating and making people feel sorry for him. It's sickening to be honest with you. I didn't have the "best" childhood ever but I've never blamed anyone for any poor choices I've made in life. I've always taken responsibility for my actions and I have tried my hardest to instill that in my children but difficult child#1 just doesn't get it!!

 

[susiestar]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Aren't you glad that you are not this therapist's mother? Imagine all that that sainted woman gets blamed for!!! Every hangnail that the therapist gets is surely blamed on her mother. I have no time or patience with people like her. Just none.

Sadly some states say you must let them live with you until 19 or even 21, BUT that doesn't mean you have to make them like it. You can't throw them out, but you CAN make the rules so unpleasant that they CHOOSE to move out. Once they leave you are not responsible for them and I on't thinkk you have to take them back. But you might watn to check with an atty to be sure.

Just make sure he knows the limits long before the day he turns 18.

I cannot see how so many tdocs can say that parents are the reason that kids act so gfgly. I just don't buy it. they act that way because they choose to.

(((((hugs))))) and kudos for having hung in there this many years!!!
Now you must concentrate on what you want to happen when difficult child s 18. Will you let him live in your home, or should he prepare to take his stuff and get out on his 18th birthday? He will be out of school by then, at least for this year. Are you willing to let him live in your home under certain rules? If so, get that contract ready NOW and let him know so that he has at least 90 days to find a new residence. Given the problems, I would probably want him out of the home ASAP. Some states say that if you let an adult stay even ONE night in your home then they have stablished residency. So you need to be sure what you can do and let him know NOW.

If you will elt him stay if he follows certain rules, spell them out and spell out what the consequence for not following them is. Drug/alcohol use. having stolen property, stealing from anyone, etc... LIST everything and be SURE that you will follow through or esle don't ptu it in the contract.

 

[buddy]

Just more idiots. People who have no clue. People who don't get the big picture. If his issues with you were the source of everything then why hasn't all the therapy focused on that fixed this? Because they are wrong. All kids have mommy issues but with a differently wired child there is so much more to the story as we all know. Idiots idiots and more idiots. You can do this ..four months!

 

[Methuselah]

He definitely knows stealing is wrong and like your daughter he takes things because he wants them. He has no remorse. No regard for other people. He simply doesn't care. Yesterday I was researching Antisocial Personality Disorder because as of now one of his diagnosis's is Conduct Disorder with Antisocial Traits. It said they can't formally diagnose Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) until age 18 but every single symptom describes my difficult child to a "t". Every single one!

My difficult child 2 is a combo of Narcissistic PD and and Antisocial PD, but she is diagnosed with conduct disorder, because that's what is appropriate. She's exhausting and joy draining to live with--the constant policing, the lying, the tall tales, playing one person off another, the manipulating, having to be the center of everyone's life, the superficial charm, etc. But she is is no where near the nightmare my difficult child 1 is. She is also diagnosed with conduct disorder (antisocial personality disorder); she, however, is very, very dark. I fear a psychopath.

The sad thing with a personality disorder diagnosis is you learn they don't really change. If they do, it isn't until they are around 40. Some will change sooner, but they really, really have to want to change. I was told by the psychiatrist who diagnosed them they won't change their behavior until they don't want to be that person anymore. I tell difficult child 2 all the time "this won't change until you don't want to be a thief anymore. Until then, nothing will change." She really doesn't have a motivation to change. She is VERY good at stealing. She doesn't get caught often, and when she does, she can lie, blame someone else very convincingly. I'm hypersensitive to her ways, and she can steal right under my nose! She charms with one hand and steals with the other. When I tell people she steals, they always go, "That sweet girl?" She uses her "sweetness" to con people into believing she is an honest and trustworthy person. :-( I posted this year how her (idiot) VP at school wouldn't believe my husband and me when we told her about the stealing. Why? Because she had excellent phone manners. :-/

I don't understand my difficult children' conscience-less and self-centered thinking; I don't understand how they can treat others so despicably and not feel any guilt or shame. I've tried and tried. I've exhausted myself trying to understand and help. Their thought process is broken, and there isn't anything that can be done until they don't want to be that kind of person anymore. Since I have never seen a glimmer of true contrition from them or self-awareness, I sadly doubt it will ever happen.

I hope your son has an element of self-awareness, so he can see the light ASAP.

 

[JKF]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Aren't you glad that you are not this therapist's mother? Imagine all that that sainted woman gets blamed for!!! Every hangnail that the therapist gets is surely blamed on her mother. I have no time or patience with people like her. Just none.

Sadly some states say you must let them live with you until 19 or even 21, BUT that doesn't mean you have to make them like it. You can't throw them out, but you CAN make the rules so unpleasant that they CHOOSE to move out. Once they leave you are not responsible for them and I on't thinkk you have to take them back. But you might watn to check with an atty to be sure.

Just make sure he knows the limits long before the day he turns 18.

I cannot see how so many tdocs can say that parents are the reason that kids act so gfgly. I just don't buy it. they act that way because they choose to.

(((((hugs))))) and kudos for having hung in there this many years!!!
Now you must concentrate on what you want to happen when difficult child s 18. Will you let him live in your home, or should he prepare to take his stuff and get out on his 18th birthday? He will be out of school by then, at least for this year. Are you willing to let him live in your home under certain rules? If so, get that contract ready NOW and let him know so that he has at least 90 days to find a new residence. Given the problems, I would probably want him out of the home ASAP. Some states say that if you let an adult stay even ONE night in your home then they have stablished residency. So you need to be sure what you can do and let him know NOW.

If you will elt him stay if he follows certain rules, spell them out and spell out what the consequence for not following them is. Drug/alcohol use. having stolen property, stealing from anyone, etc... LIST everything and be SURE that you will follow through or esle don't ptu it in the contract.

I never even thought of the therapist's mothers! That gave me a good chuckle! hahaha

In our state once he turns 18 I am no longer responsible for him. I checked already! He currently is out of our home and lives in a PCR which is a type of residential. He will not be returning home. The psychiatrist has recommended independant living - eventually. For now he will need to remain in a higher level of care because he can not function in an outside setting. They have these types of programs for young adults up until they are 24 years old. I think when he's 18 he can choose to leave but I honestly don't think he will. He has no where to go and he's not the type of kid who can live on his own. He needs help and I think subconsciously he knows it.

 

[JKF]

Just more idiots. People who have no clue. People who don't get the big picture. If his issues with you were the source of everything then why hasn't all the therapy focused on that fixed this? Because they are wrong. All kids have mommy issues but with a differently wired child there is so much more to the story as we all know. Idiots idiots and more idiots. You can do this ..four months!

Yes buddy! They are ALLLLLL IDIOTS! And 4 months! I keep saying it. Over and over. I can definitely do this! Thanks!!!