The mystery..it's not good

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by mof, Jan 12, 2017.

  1. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Well, we were chugging along and BAM...turbulence and we are crashing.

    Got son's bank statements..Bank probably shouldn't give them to me, but teller has brother dying from meth addiction. Our son has withdrawn hundreds of dollars from ATM. Now..weird, he buys his food at work with the card, 1.25 for his meal..he works full time at fast food restaurant where they are promoting him.

    He admits to paying guys rent that he knows we wouldnt approve of..but the rest says I DONT KNOW?????

    Drug tested him...came back amphetamines...not his MO..but, something is going on. SWEARS he will test clean in court next week.??WHAT??? He is signing on to jeuvenile probation for possession of a suboxone during his drugging time....he is clean from opiates. I found he has not been faithfully taking the anti depressant either.

    SOOO, where is the money going? He has no car, walks to store with brother, his bros say he just buys his cigarettes with card..yes..on statement. Once, withdrawl 2hrs away..99% he wasnt there????? SO if hes dealing, where is the stuff, and why does he have NO cash? DOesnt even carry a full wallet..debits everything, I found out he buys co workers food if they are short..but 500.00 in a month????

    SO we told him he had to go since he has two days off...girlfriend picked him up and took to her families home.

    Husband in FULL DETACHMENT mode....he is so dedicated tojob..Im all for him moving, but how to get to work??

    Sick..and getting sicker by minute.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. First and foremost I feel that knot in your stomach and your broken heart.

    Don't try to figure it out. You can't. I couldn't either. The point is if you suspect drug abuse in a person who abused drugs, your gut is correct. Don't try to figure out how he did it. Could be he sold drugs to get drugs so the money was gone. My daughter tells me "If you use it, you sell it." It's a way to make money for drugs without really working too hard. My daughter however also worked while using.

    Please go to an Al Anon meeting and nurture yourself. You deserve it.
     
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Mof

    No mystery is ever good when it comes to being the mother of an addict.

    It all sucks. No other way to put it.

    Stay the course. Yes you need support for yourself too which I've been telling you all along.

    You are a wonderful mother - maybe too good? - and you provide a wonderful home and family for your son.

    It really is up to them. It's so hard to watch the struggle and not know the outcome and we always go to the worst place.
     
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Thanks..we have a call in for our Therapist, she knows our family. I have support..it's just, well, you know..
     
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yep I know. It would be so much easier if they'd just DO what they need to DO wouldn't it????

    No wonder I have so much gray hair seriously.
     
  6. mommabear34

    mommabear34 New Member

    I am so sorry for what you are going through... I feel your pain... We lost my older brother a few years ago because he couldn't stop using and became so depressed he committed suicide... and now my younger brother is doing the same thing. He says that he's been clean for the past few months but when I showed up unannounced a few weeks ago and let myself in I found drugs all over the table... my mom has been trying to help but doesn't know how... she was paying his rent until I begged her to stop... she did the same thing with my older brother too. It's a very helpless feeling... you want to help them but you know that anything worth something will be sold for drugs... and if bills are paid for them (my brother is 25) any money that would have gone to his rent will go to drugs... it's awful. He's even sold bags of groceries that were bought for him for his habit.
    So until he actually really wants to be sober and stay clean there is nothing you can do. Getting his bank statements and trying to figure out where his money is going and all of that stuff is only going to drive you crazy. Until he decides that he's ready to get some help all you can really do is let him know that you love him and miss him and will be there for him when he's ready to get sober.

    In my experience anything more than that will absolutely drive you nuts. What I did was talk to my brother about the dangers of street drugs... especially because fentanyl is being cut into pretty much everything sold on the street these days as it's really cheap and really potent... fatal. Where I live they are starting to make naloxone kits available to the public in order to reduce the amount of opiate related overdoses. Most pharmacies carry them and depending on where you live you may be able to get one for free... if that was one of your concerns... because it was definitely one of mine.

    They say that addicts have to "hit bottom" before they will accept help and try to get sober. Hitting bottom looks different for everyone. For some it's enough to overdose or lose their home... for others much worse.

    Addiction is a family disease... it affects everyone around the person who's using... don't let your son's addiction tear you and your family apart too if you can help it. Seek out help for yourself too, you need it and deserve it. As a mother especially. You need the support. Maybe an al-anon group or a counceller ... but something that is just for you. Addicts don't truly realize the affect they have on their families. And they are very good manipulators. But remember that it is the drugs.. not your child... when someone is using and looking for that next fix that is the only thing that is important to them. It's sad and awful but it's true. I'm sure your son loves you but he just might not be ready to get clean yet. If that's the case please for your own sanity do not let his addiction tear you and the rest of your family apart. Look after yourself. Stop driving yourself crazy. I wish you the very best in your journey. Good luck with your son.

    Added... I read that you have a family counceller, that is awesome. But I still think you should take time out just for yourself ❤
    ❤❤❤
     
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Thank you Mama bear...he's been to rehab, sober living, etc. Lives with us...counselor is not in favor of throwing him out, too young.

    He did clinically die almost a year ago...he has been clean...til this urine test of something we have never seen. Money...why would he give someone rent money?? He goes to work at least 40 hrs a week.

    I am so sorry a out your brother...happens too much. I don't know how our story will end, but at this point Tuesday court will tell.

    He came home tonight..Said he thought we told him too. Exhausting....I'm exhausted!!
     
  8. mommabear34

    mommabear34 New Member

    How old is he? Is he legally an adult? I can only imagine how exhausted you must be... I thought the roller coaster was over when my older brother passed away... and then my younger brother came clean about his addiction and it's the same ride all over again... only this time we have some knowledge about what we're dealing with... but it's all terrible... I honestly want to take all these guys that give these kids drugs and drop them off on a desert island with an active volcano...
     
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Yes...he is 20...a young 20. Strong work ethic...but of course...Will never attract the right people.

    They give juvenile til age 21 here. He is not talking...won't budge on money..he's funding somebody's issue...can't figure it out.

    I could spit at him...infuriates me. Honesty and blunt honesty was his thing...n o w...ugh
     
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I will continue today to save him from the bottom dwellers he allows to suck on him. Back to square one and lock down mode....say a prayer cause the journey continues.
     
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He gives them rent money, they give him something else. EIther they are threatening him, or they are sweet talking him, or giving him a sob story, or drugs in exchange for his money. Probably a combination. Just as you can't throw him out, he may not be able to turn them away. Plus they may give him drugs. As for the drug test, he took something, that is how ti got there. It is not a mystery. The bank card being used when he wasn't there? If he isn't willing to go and press charges for fraudulent use of the card, then he gave it to someone and gave them permission to use it, especially if it is in his possession now.
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Maybe sober living is the answer Mof. Not under your roof but working and being accountable for his sobriety.
     
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  13. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Said he helped him not be homeless...well, money access has stopped. I believe he is being taken advantage of.

    He is not budging on info.

    We are where we are.
     
  14. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    We simply can't afford any more sober living homes...I don't think he'd go back to one...in many ways he's much better here.
     
  15. mommabear34

    mommabear34 New Member

    Ok so it sounds like he either owes someone money or as Susie said he might be telling you that he is paying their rent but he is most likely getting something in return. No mystery there. Addicts are just very good at manipulation. Especially when it comes to their parents. Because you want so much to believe them. You want to think that it must be true, it has to be someone else influencing him to make these decisions... and so on... when does he turn 21? If something came up in his drug screening and he is capable of keeping a job couldn't he qualify for a sober living still?

    I only ask because you mentioned that he's been in sober living before. And if he's living at home, with you and the rest of your family he potentially puts you and the other members of your household at risk. When my older brother was still living with my parents he owed money to some pretty bad people. They came looking for him at my parents home. It was scary. The police were involved. My parents felt they had to pay off his debts because they were afraid for his life... and for the lives of my other siblings and their own. It was awful. I'd like to say that it only happened that one time but it didn't. It happened several times. I think because my parents kept bailing him out. To be honest... I don't even know if he actually owed the last people the money or they were just scheming to get money for drugs... he did a lot of horrible things when he was in his addiction... it wasn't my brother anymore.

    I'm not trying to scare you but just tell you my experience... because I would absolutely hate myself if I didn't say anything and then saw you post that the same thing happened to you as well. I truly wish you all the best... please know that you have people out here that support you and please try not to drive yourself crazy with the drama that comes with this lifestyle... it doesn't make sense to us and it never will... good luck with your son ❤
     
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  16. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    He was gone for 7 months..treatment and soberliving. He actually is much more stable here. He works fulltime and is being promoted, theres the positive. Another positive, he has never returned to H.

    BUT, we have asked him if he owed money...he said he NEVER owed money to anyone..he was a dealer in College. He was told by counselors to never tell us full details..he has spoken about quite alot...but this is weird, and alarming.

    Court on Tuesday, he will need to manage his probation. So balls in his court.

    Thank you for caring..its hard.
     
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Is this part of his personality--to give people money if they have a sob story, or offer friendship?
     
  18. mommabear34

    mommabear34 New Member


    I agree with his counceller about you not knowing the full details... you honestly probably would be shocked and it may even change your perception of him. I know that's how I felt when my brothers really opened up to me...I'll never unsee or unhear that. And actually seeing him in that state... it was terrifying. I actually had to pull my car over because my nerves were so shot I couldn't focus on driving for a little while... but I had never seen him like that before.

    It's interesting that you mentioned he's up for a promotion. When my younger brother first got clean and went back to work he did really well too... he's always had a really good work ethic. But he too was up for a promotion with his job and then he relapsed. I don't know if it was the added stress of the promotion or what... but I just find it interesting that he too is up for promotion with work and something comes up in his drug test...
     
  19. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Well..lets hope he gets past this shady stuff, going to an NA mtg today. Not thrilled..but its the only mtgs he will agree to.

    Like I said..his probation will be his test, he cant be with us forever. On the bright side, he has a sober girlfriend who he seems to confide in...this is good for him.
     
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  20. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Applecori...

    Yes...in rehab he gave the shirt off his back. Cigs,,etc. He feels you help out..they will too. Soberliving..if he went to a mtg, and a guy said hes hungry gives story..he would get him a meal and cigs. Now, sometimes the staff took him out and showed kindness too.

    Recently...there is an old woman at work, she is called the old lady with no teeth...she usually needs a ride to her daughters workplace...if I pick him up he says " My mom wouldnt leave you here"...so if he had the car he would take her home....he tells me, Mom, you know Im kind and helpful..ugh Sooo, he could be taking advantage of..therapist feels he may be buying friends.

    Thats the only examples of recent i can think of...he also feels he will always help someone get a job..everywhere he ever worked he got someone hired...Mmmm