The phone call

[carolanne]

True to form, gfgd called yesterday....I refused to pick up the phone(answering maching on 24/7) so pcd did and yakked for a couple minutes...than she throws a note at me "call me for dinner PLEASE" so I did...apparently the conversation was all about how gfgd needed new shoes, her school bag was destroyed(I just replaced it last month) and she needed new school supplies for the next term starting in Feb.....

easy child was completely stunned by the call...because the 19th...tomorrow....is when my child tax benefit arrives and gfgd knows that....she knows it comes on the 19th of every month and her dad's disability comes on the last banking day of the month...

difficult child told easy child that mom needs to step up and get this stuff for me because everyone at the home thinks she is a deadbeat mom and she needs to prove she loves me....to which easy child told me she said to difficult child to go to hell and get a job, mom isn't a bank machine and you walked out on us...I heard that part pretty clear because easy child hollered into the phone...

So I am treating myself to a new pair of jeans tomorrow....and maybe a new blouse...I can certainly use a new outfit....been about three years since I bought myself something and I've lost 40 pounds so things just hang....

I'm trying to not feel guilty about this...and I am sticking to my resolution to not step up and be the doormat she expects me to be...I also refused to go to her old school and sign transfer papers for her to go to another high school....sorry you don't need me to be a parent unless you need stuff replaced or signed?? Too bad....my bank card and my signing hand are out of commission for this difficult child....

Carolanne
*chilly here....turn up the heat!!!!!

 

[witzend]

I'm with you and your easy child on your reaction. But I would be careful that your difficult child isn't convincing people that you are neglecting her. Is there some way to contact the administrators where she is at to confirm what she needs? If she needs a backpack and she is destroying them, that is a good reason to buy her a $10 backpack and tell them that she has to make it last throughout the school year. $10 shoes work just as well as $100 shoes. You can go pick these things up and have them delivered to her. I wouldn't have her over for dinner.

What I do know from past experience (and this is in the US) is that I was paying through the nose for M's (past) Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement, and giving him support money at his TLC placement when the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) offered to cut the bill in half if I paid it in full. So I did because husband happened to get a bonus about the same time. Then M told everyone that I was stealing his SSI payment. This was a payment that I got on my disability to assist me in raising my children. It was not his SSI. The TLC advised him to report me to SSA as committing fraud. Granted, he had not lived with us during that entire year as he was placed in these living situations, but we were paying for his care and support. We paid way more than the lousy $175 a month we were getting in SSI to me for him. But I still had an extremely stressful go around that lasted a month or so with SSA and the TLC.

The TLC just couldn't get it through their heads that this was not M's money, and that I had already spent a ton of money on him and that if he demanded it because he no longer lived with us, there would be nothing to anyone because it was a payment to me to help me support him.

If I were you, I'd make sure that you and the home she is at are on the same page as to what you will supply to her, give her the least expensive alternative available (Goodwill?) and then buy your jeans and blouse. There's no reason you should go without.

And be sure to keep a file with receipts for every penny you spend on her, as well. Recreate records if you haven't already been doing so.

 

[KFld]

Good for you. I think you may need a few warm sweaters to go with those jeans. You are in canada, so I know it's cold there now. We have a place in VT. around 20 minutes from Canada and my husband is there right now. He said it was -11 last night, so maybe you need a new coat too.

 

[ScentofCedar]

Not only am I glad you are going to buy something for yourself instead of capitulating to difficult child's demands, but I am glad FOR YOU because your thought patterns indicate a mom who has changed the way she feels ABOUT HERSELF.

That is the hardest battle we parents face, as we try to recover from the chaos and trauma our difficult child kids have created in our lives.

Good for you, carolanne.

I agree with the cautions Witz has related, too.

I have never had that happen to me, but I can understand how it COULD happen.

I would call the treatment center. When you do though, my suggestion would be that you not defend anything ~ simply tell them you received a call from difficult child saying she needs new clothes, backpack, etc ~ again. Ask whether they know what happened to the last ones and tell them you cannot afford to keep replacing things difficult child loses or destroys.

I would create a record now of when I bought what for difficult child, in case that ever does come up.

It sounds like your difficult child is very angry about your changed responses to her baloney.

Maybe the next step will be that she changes her behaviors, and starts to get a clue about how she has been treating her family.

Sending strength and wishing well, carolanne.

You are light years ahead of where husband and I were when we went through this stuff.

Barbara

 

[witzend]

[ QUOTE ]
I would call the treatment center. When you do though, my suggestion would be that you not defend anything ~ simply tell them you received a call from difficult child saying she needs new clothes, backpack, etc ~ again. Ask whether they know what happened to the last ones and tell them you cannot afford to keep replacing things difficult child loses or destroys.

[/ QUOTE ]

Absolutely.

 

[carolanne]

Thank you for the suggestions. I placed a call to the home and found out gfgd still has the bag I bought her, she just chose to draw in ink all over it and her school has taken exception to the drawings....very morbid, severed bloody hands, hearts dripping blood, that type of stuff....so because she knew the school policy, I am not replacing it....told them to tell her turn the bag inside out.

The clothes she "requires" are to replace the stuff she left sitting in a washer, all wet, for several days and can't get the smell of mold out of them now....I said I am willing to provide clothing up to the amount of $50 but that it will not all be black and ripped(her jeans, tees, and coat were over $500 that she destroyed) and that there is a perfectly good winter coat waiting here at home for her should she need it(the previous one having been ripped at the seams and the down fill removed by her)....

As for school supplies....nada....I had already given her an entire box full to get her through the new term and still have the receipts if they need to see them....I keep every receipt, some go back 15 yrs....they said well she does need them now but I am standing firm....the art supplies(acrylic paints, watercolour, oil, pastels,artist sketchbooks, etc etc were $$$$$$$$$$$!)....

I don't like seeing any of my kids go without but having to replace things that were wilfully destroyed because she is too immature to care for her things is too much....her cds were thrown on the floor and she'd walk on them!!!

As a mom....and we all do it....we deny ourselves so our kids are provided for but I am learning that I have needs to and it's okay to have them met too.

Carolanne

 

[witzend]

[ QUOTE ]
Thank you for the suggestions. I placed a call to the home and found out gfgd still has the bag I bought her, she just chose to draw in ink all over it and her school has taken exception to the drawings....very morbid, severed bloody hands, hearts dripping blood, that type of stuff....so because she knew the school policy, I am not replacing it....told them to tell her turn the bag inside out.

[/ QUOTE ]

ROFLMAO!:rofl:

[ QUOTE ]
The clothes she "requires" are to replace the stuff she left sitting in a washer, all wet, for several days and can't get the smell of mold out of them now....I said I am willing to provide clothing up to the amount of $50 but that it will not all be black and ripped(her jeans, tees, and coat were over $500 that she destroyed) and that there is a perfectly good winter coat waiting here at home for her should she need it(the previous one having been ripped at the seams and the down fill removed by her)....

As for school supplies....nada....I had already given her an entire box full to get her through the new term and still have the receipts if they need to see them....I keep every receipt, some go back 15 yrs....they said well she does need them now but I am standing firm....the art supplies(acrylic paints, watercolour, oil, pastels,artist sketchbooks, etc etc were $$$$$$$$$$$!)....

I don't like seeing any of my kids go without but having to replace things that were wilfully destroyed because she is too immature to care for her things is too much....her cds were thrown on the floor and she'd walk on them!!!

As a mom....and we all do it....we deny ourselves so our kids are provided for but I am learning that I have needs to and it's okay to have them met too.

Carolanne

[/ QUOTE ]

Way to go, Warrior Mom!

:warrior:

 

[Suz]

I'm glad it worked out well, Carolanne.

Suz

 

[KFld]

Good for you. You checked everything out and got the answers you needed, now go on a shopping binge, FOR YOURSELF!!!
The school knows why she doesn't have the things she is asking for, so you can't be blamed for being neglectful.

 

[ScentofCedar]

Not only that. It sounds like your difficult child has been destroying her things in some crazy game of "get back at Mom". You do need to put a stop to that kind of thing. Just as you would not replace a toy a two year old continued to destroy, you need to stick to your guns about not replacing ANYTHING difficult child has lost or willfully destroyed.

She gets to pick, and she gets to live with the consequences of her choices.

That is how she will learn to make better choices in future.

Why do the kids get into this stuff, I wonder?

Barbara