This got me thinking

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by GoingNorth, Nov 10, 2017.

  1. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Funny, lately a major topic of discussion has been adult children trying to come back to the nest by any means possible.

    Anyway, Thanksgiving is at my sister's. It's at 4 o'clock. That means I definitely won't be able to drive home in the dark afterwards.

    So, I asked my mother if I could crash at her place, which turned into both of us crashing at my sister's place, since apparently, I am driving us from mom's to sister's.

    Both mom and I are worthless when it comes to driving at night.

    But, what hit me was how freaking awkward, this, and the number of times I've stood over at my mother's due usually to the night driving issue, has felt. I absolutely hate it.

    When I had to move back in with my mother for a few months while husband was in military training, I thought I was gonna lose my mind (and am sure my mother did as well). Two of us tiptoeing around on eggshells.

    I do understand that in certain areas, adult children just can't earn enough to live on their own, so continue to live with their parents.

    But, I was just comparing my reaction to these "kids" reactions and it got me thinking (always a dangerous practice) I think my deep aversion to spending overnights with my family is not normal, by the way.
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  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm not fond of the idea of spending the night at my mom's, or my mother in law's, either. It just seems strange.
  3. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    "Strange". I think that's what it is, KTMom: It feels strange.

    I have no issues with staying at hotels and in fact enjoy it most of the time, but staying at family/friend's places? (Especially family) Ugh.
  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I always stayed in a hotel when I visited my parents. I loved them dearly however, my nether was a hoarder and the house was chaotic to grow up in (youngest of 10), staying there was never comfortable. The hotel was a have. Away from the chaos and kept everyone sane during the visits.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    As a kid, every time we traveled, we stayed with family. Maybe one night in a hotel if it was an especially long drive we could not make in one day. Even then, we often drove it straight through. So staying for a night at a relatives was what I thought was normal as a kid. I thought hotels were strange.

    I have no problems staying a night at my parents, but only one. Well, if they are out of town I don't mind staying to watch their pets if it is needed. They have very high maintenance dog and cats. Other than that, I can stay at home. I have specifically avoided traveling to one city that I love and used to live in because I would be pressured to stay with relatives. No. It was one thing when I was a child. When I was an adult and got to know them and develop adult relationships with them, I lost a whole lot of respect for them. I would be very uncomfortable feeling that way about them and staying with them.
  6. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I'm in a bind there. Every time I mention staying in a hotel, my mother gets very upset, even though it would be easier and more comfortable for all involved.

    The other issue is that hotels in her area are horribly expensive (well over 100 dollars per night, and this time, I can't afford it. I'm still paying off my trip to KY.)

    It's sad because I sleep on a loveseat there which is too short and very uncomfortable for me. For a while, she would rent a folding bed for me.

    Luckily, I have very little family in the US, so if I travel, I have to hotel it, as opposed to coming up with excuses to avoid staying with family.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think it is normal for even two adults who love each other very much to have trouble living together/staying together. The adult wants control of her life and in someone else's house, the owner is in control, sets the rules, as a parent can even fall back on mother/child dynamics.

    I think difficult kids with no jobs or motivation want to live wuth us...not becsuse they love us and want to be close to us (although I know they do love us on good days) but more to have comfort and use their money, wherever it comes from, on drugs.
    I think difficult kids and you, GN, are two seperate animals. Healthy adults prefer autonomy. Every day. It is hard to ever feel we dont have that.
  8. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    I am very much the same way. My family looks at me as quirky, but I don't like staying at people's houses. I don't even like sharing hotel rooms with anyone besides my husband. I like to be able to do what I want, watch what I want on tv etc. It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
  9. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    One of my more awful childhood memories is of a school trip to Washington, D.C., where I had to share a hotel room. Sheer horror.

    I could share quarters with my husband, but even there, we sometimes slept apart (he was equally "quirky"), and either he was deployed quite often, or after his military service, I traveled on business quite a bit. Once he became disabled, and I took a position that didn't require much travel, we sort of had to get used to being around each other so much. Our relationship grew much stronger as result, but it took some doing.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    On the subject of spending too much time together, as a small child, my dad often worked 2 jobs. One Christmas there was a big blizzard and everyone was snowed in. My father got hives from spending so much time with us kids.

    Too much time with relatives is not always a good thing, lol!

    I think adults in the same household will always have to negotiate who controls what, to some degree. Difficult kids want to live in your house and enjoy your things and your money, but they want to do this with their own rules. They are always so shocked when this doesn't work out.
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    This is pretty much how I feel. Being a guest in someone's home is awkward, even Jabber's parents. I loved my parents to pieces and lost them much too young, so I don't know how I would have felt staying with them...but I suspect much the same. Even spending the weekend with my old roommate was a little odd. I mean, she was all, "Just make yourself at home!" but her home is SO fancy and nice that it wasn't comfortable really and watching TV or listening to music in the night and I wasn't sure if I was running up a bill or using too much data on her WiFi, you know? I felt like I had to be quiet and sneak around if she was asleep.

    I like my own space. Even the airbnb we stayed in was an interesting feeling. It was much better though, because we weren't "guests" we were paying guests...and giving a stranger money to stay in their house just alters the relationship.

    I think there's a parent/child dynamic that just can't be ignored when you are in the same house. No matter the age, your parent will act like your parent and you will feel like the child - and because you aren't a child, bridle at it. I think that is why especially staying with your parents is so uncomfortable. Maybe that's why, even though our kids WANT the ease of having their bills paid, they don't actually LIKE living with us.