Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Coookie, Jan 16, 2007.
Doesn't sound good. Sigh....
Thank you my friends.
difficult child has been home almost a month...do you believe that? He goes between beligerence and deep depression and I find myself slipping into the old role and then pulling myself out again. He talks of school, has applied for a few jobs and then talks of suicide (in a joking manner)... One minute he wants to move out on his own and the next he is waiting for us to kick him out (or will just "curl up in a fetal position in the basement and die")... Up all night, sleeping all day and believe me...it is extremely hard to stand back and watch this.
husband say's he see's positive movement on difficult children part..I don't know but I do know he is like a cork floating around in the middle of the ocean. He is totally defeated but most times will present the "bravado" image. We are worried about his mental and emotional state but there is nothing we can do at this point.
For the first time in our married life husband and I spent one whole day not talking to each other... He has a plan, it is not just the way I would do it but then my way has never worked all that well anyway. I have had to look deep and hard at myself and I really don't like what I see.. I get so angry at husband sometimes.. but then I have to realize that this is the first time I have really backed off and let him handle difficult child..I was always the one who spent most of the time with him and tried to guide him..now I have to step back and let husband do it...his way.. Very difficult to keep my mouth shut and I'm not alway's successful but I am getting better..some. Funny how I always think my way is the right way...never was before.
difficult child has an appointment for his driving test next Thursday. He has a car but has never been able to drive it for lack of a license so hopefully when he gets his license he will grab his independence again and move on. His attempts at baiting have been unfruitful but at a cost to me emotionally. Changing is very stressful.. but I am doing it slowly. He realizes that husband and I will no longer be his verbal punching bag.
I see some signs of maturity and other signs of the old difficult child. Slips in and out. Like living with a cameleon.. He came home with nothing and we still aren't sure if he has learned anything from his bad choices. He has honored our rule about no drinking and we have had no problem with the curfew...getting him to go out is like pulling teeth anyway.
He is going to do a shop with me today. It is one where I need to have another person there and he is doing this voluntarily. He spoke to an advisor at ITT Tech Institute about Design Computer Graphics courses and they are sending him information. That is a step, before he would not even think of going to school. I guess there are steps being taken, not as quickly as I think they should be but like I said, my way has never worked before. It is extremely difficult to turn it all over to husband...being the control freak that I am.
I am emotionally drained but hold on to the hope that positive things will come from the changes I am making. I refuse to fall back into the same old traps. Like I said, change is hard... painful... but worth it. I have learned a lot about co-dependence in the last few weeks..boy is that an ugly thing...
On a bright spot...for me...I have enrolled in a Private Investigator Course which I start this Friday. So hopefully in the next few months you can call me Coookie,PI...
Hopefully soon I will be back to myself..in the good way. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and know that you are all in mine daily.
I know how difficult it is to step back and let husband take over, and yes it does take a lot of stepping back and looking at yourself. Like you said before, what you were doing didn't work, so maybe what husband is planning will. Give it some time. On the other hand if that doesn't work, then maybe the two of you should get some kind of counseling and see if you can't do this together. I used to always do it my way, then my husband and I would battle and he would insist on doing it his way, and it didn't work until we figured out how to do it our way.
Giving up the control is tough and even though difficult child hasn't lived home in a long time, I still find myself feeling stressed when husband tries to take over with easy child daughter. The problem with my husband though, is he only steps in once in awhile when he's annoyed with something and that makes it difficult, but his way is to decide the rule or punishment and then tell me to pass it on and enforce it!!!! I could of course tell him, that is what you are choosing so you pass it on, but then I loose all control and I can't quite give that up. It's not unusual how you feel. I think we all deal with the control thing because we are moms and I think we get more emotionally involved, which sometimes causes us to not always make the right choices because I know myself, I think with my heart and not my head when it comes to my kids sometimes.
Hopefully the school thing will come through. Maybe just getting him to volunteer to help you at work will do him good, just to get out there and be doing something. Glad the drinking and curfew aren't an issue, but I'm sure this must be killing you.
Hang in there and get some outside support for yourself and hubbie. Don't let this come between the two of you. One day difficult child will move out and the two of you will be left to pick up the pieces.
Robby, that is exactly what I was going to suggest for you! going to class of some sort...having new stuff to think about. act like your son is invisible. do not focus on him. keep in mind that the tactics you have used in the past did not change him.
his experiences are in his mind. he is being helpless and perhaps hoping someone else will figure this out. let his dad step in there. smile often as you wave goodbye to them on the way out the door to class, lunch with a friend, shopping, even a walk.
let this load set down on husband's shoulders for a while. keep smiling.
Ahhh Cookie, you have expressed my feelings of my own difficult child exactly. Thank you for that. My difficult child is the same as you described yours. I could never really express myself here or anywhere keeping my feelings inside. Thank you
I know you are feeling, gosh do I know. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. I also feel that after they have been gone for awhile and come back, that even though most of the behaviours are the same it is worse for us because we are mourning the peace and quiet and stress free days.
I find I resent him, resent him for taking it away from me and husband. Resent him for not making it on his own.
I think what your doing is great, a PI class sounds fun. My difficult child calls me "Jack Bauer" (the guy from 24) I was born with great and natural insticts that tell me somethings up. I sometimes wish I was more naive, my instincts drive me crazy, I wish I didnt know what I know.
You mentioned "shop" what exactly is that? I didnt know what you meant there?
Why, that is very cool, Robbie!
Your agreement with husband was that he would direct difficult child from this point on.
Good for you for sticking with that.
When we take our own lives further, when we create new facets of self, our attitudes change. That changed internal reality is reflected in our interactions with our difficult children.
You are doing just the right thing, Robbie.
And it is not easy.
But you are learning now that you are stronger than you ever knew you were.
Robby, I love that you are taking a PI class. You'll have to let us know how that goes. I am already picturing you as Kinsey Milhone or VI Warshawski but you'll have to grow your hair out and start jogging- did you realize that?
Good for you for involving yourself in new interests and challenges.
You're doing very well, I think. I'm glad that you are enrolled in classes. That sounds very interesting, and I hope that you will let us know what you think!
<font color="blue">how awesome it that....a PI course!! i'm very impressed.
as sad as your post makes me i have to admit it's much as i expected.
just remember you are much further down the road of true detachment....husband was detached before, but that was because you took all the responsibility for difficult child. now he needs to learn the fine art of detachment. you will be a good teacher for him.
hang in there.
(((((((HUGS)))))))Robby. I am so sorry. You deserve so much better. It is good that you are getting out and good that you are learning about co-dependance. I too have done much work in that area and am no where near done. Actually you never are. There are some very good self help workbooks that help guide you through the whole evolutionary process. I used a couple of them. One was really great. by the way I really like the Cookie PI thing. It sounds like a TV series! But seriously I do think it is great that you are doing things for yourself and investing time into your own interests.-RM
I think it's hard dealing with these kids regardless of what mode you are currently operating in.
Nurturing(worrying) or Detaching. They both seem as much work.
I try to pay more attention to how I survive the battles. In other words, was I able to stay out of his taunting and not get sucked in. After all I've had years of practice!!!! Did I stay out of it and not try to rescue him. Or did I hold the line I needed to hold in the conflict. He's almost 22yr. so easier to let life catch up to him and see what happens.
I used to really like it when I would get mad enough that I could really be in the detach mode and not feel the nurturing trying to take over and bring worry along. Dang! Never could stay in that zone long enough. Always returned to worry about B.
Robby - I had to laugh in an ironic way about you going back to school and focusing more on yourself. When I came here in 2001, that was one of the most often-repeated suggestions for me. So...I went back to school in Nov 2002, got my bachelors degree in May 2004, got my masters degree in May 2005 and then did a post-masters certificate and completed it in May 2006! So....I ended up in a much better place, career-wise and actually did myself a huge favor.
Is my difficult child doing what I want him to do with his life? Absolutely not!However, he is not the focus of my life anymore. Yes, I do still get angry with him and yes, I do occasionally talk to him, but for the most part, my life revolves around husband, easy child and his wife and difficult child's son.
In the end, I have to live my life too. I still love my son very much. However, I was always being sucked into his chaos which, for the most part, he has created.
You all are so wonderful.
Grace, I do Mystery Shopping, Audits, Inventories, Background Checks, etc. and I have one shop that lasts 6 weeks, very extensive and that is what he was going to come and help me with...notice I said "was". He was "too tired, didn't sleep all night and didn't feel well"...so I just said Oh Well and went myself.
I am excited about the Private Investigator course and I do some of that now in the different things I do but this way I will have a diploma, will be able to get my license and be more marketable.
I will continually hold out hope for my difficult child...he has so much potential but then don't they all...
One day, one minute, one second at a time is how I am getting through my days and there are times when things aren't bad...just not how I had imagined them is all.
husband and I rented a hotel room for tonight. Just to spend some time together and talk and try to get our minds back on the same page.
Hugs to you all...
Smart idea Rob. Getting away and just talking is the best thing husband and I do for each other.
I would also suggest AlAnon as a group for support for you. I attended meetings for a period during one of my past lives and found the support to be immensely helpful. The meetings kept me from getting sucked back into the turmoil that was surrounding me and to focus on changing what I could...myself!
I haven't been around for awhile so I missed all of this but I just wanted to send you some hugs and good thoughts.
I love the PI thing. It sounds really interesting and those of us who have dealt with difficult children for all of these years probably already have some of the skills. LOL
Taking that P.I. course is going to be great! It also means you are still being proactive about caring for yourself.
I know things are difficult and resentment of difficult child must be sky high, but remember you are stronger than the bad feelings are.
Have you guys discussed with difficult child a time frame in which he will get employment and seek housing at another location?
Blessings my friend,
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