Three days and already refused work.

[Kjs]

Received an email when I got to work this evening. Said difficult child refused to do his DOL (daily oral language). He has refused this for all of middle school. Don't know why, it isn't hard. Only has to make corrections to two sentences.

My heart just sank. Only three days and already refusing work. He promised me he would not mess up this year. He was excited this year. I am just so sad. He doesn't know I know this..YET.

I only saw him breifly tonight. As I was getting up for work, and he was going to bed. He seemed so down in the dumps. I asked him what's up. He said school is so boring. Nobody can ever do anything after school. the kids he calls never answer the phone. It makes me feel bad. Makes me wonder if they avoid his calls by not answering. I didn't say that to him, but I wonder. I asked him if he had homework, he said yes he did it. Of course he didn't mention his refusal of DOL. This is a daily warm up and he just cannot do this. I don't know what to do.
Just a real heavy heart thinking it only took three days. :sad:

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Sorry to hear this. I know difficult child 2 always hated doing DOL. The month in sixth grade I spent in school with him was about the only time he did it.

Hope it can get better for him and for you.

Beth

 

[Kjs]

Please give me some of your expert advice. I was debating on whether to tell husband about difficult child's refusal to do his DOL, but decided we both need to stand together on this.

So...do we both talk to him? I won't see him after school, and husband won't see him prior to school, so it will be seperate conversations. Do we insist on this, threaten with taking away computer...or do we just remind him that he was put in these classes (with friends) because he insisted to us and school he would work really hard and not fall behind with his work. Even though he is in Special Education, he is not with any other Special Education kids, and he expressed great concern of not wanting to be there. I talked to him prior to school and reminded him if he doesn't do his work he will be moved to the Special Education class for extra help. He PROMISED he would do his work. Problem is he CAN do it...just refuses to. big sigh

 

[DammitJanet]

My two cents is he promised he would, he can. I would make chart with what happens if he refuses to do school or homework and stick to it. Loss of privileges being one of them.

Just think of what is important to difficult child.

You also have to find some way of getting difficult child into some sort of program where he meets friends. If he is truly not liked in this placement because he is so much younger...then it isnt working out for him.

 

[busywend]

What is it about DOL that he does not like? Can he express it in words for you?

 

[Kjs]

I just talked to him. (I am at work) He was in the Special Education classroom last year. He didn't like it because he said he was bored and nobody tried or did any work. (himself included)
He was happy he would be with the other kids. He has friends in this class. Just doesn't think he should have to do the work. If you ask him, he can verbally correct the sentences, it is writing it down.
I told him that the deal was he works hard or he moves to the Special Education class where he gets extra help. He chewed me out. Told me I don't know anything. It's "only" DOL so who cares! and much more. I is classwork, it is an assignment and he is expected to do it. I told him I will move him out of his current class assignment in a heartbeat. Which caused him to cry. He CAN do the work. I have no idea why he refuses. He says he doesn't know. Not going to happen.
He has played soccer for 8 years. He has played baseball for 7 years. Baseball is his passion right now. He gets along with all the teammates, just not friends. The kids he says are his friends don't return his calls or answer their phones. He said they talk to him at school.
When I am at school...like every day last year...I see girls run up and hug him during passing time. Lots of them. There are 1000 kids at this middle school. He loves all the kids, he knows everyone, he talks to everyone..then we have the opposite days where everyone hates him. I am so very angry right now. I again believed in him, He again lied to me. I believe he had no intention of changing his behavior. I emailed each and every single one of his teachers. I asked for weekly progress reports vs. bi-weekly so I can keep up on his assignments. (this is on his IEP) I just received an email back and she said she will not do that. I also asked that I be notified if there is any behavior issues. He just is NOT going to do as HE pleases.

 

[Marguerite]

It sounds like there is something about DOL that really upsets him. I remember difficult child 1 had a BIG problem with standing up in front of the class in ANY way, even if it was just to have them sing "Happy Birthday". If DOL involves doing this in front of the class - it could be part of the problem. I know difficult child 1 would have needed a lot of support to do it. He did slowly overcome this fear, but it took patience, not punishment.

This boy is highly motivated. He is very bright. There is some other problem and rather than just punish or threaten, some detective work and digging is needed. Also a fair bit of flexibility. What if he does this bit one-on-one with his teacher? He is likely to still have some adaptation to make, to the new setting.

Marg

 

[Josie]

I agree there is probably some underlying issue with the DOL. For example, easy child has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and thinks she can't do math. She actually tests very high in math but she gets stuck on this idea that math is hard and then can't do it. To me, it looks like all she has to do is sit down and do it but to her, it is much more complicated.

What is supposed to work for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and might work here even if it isn't Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), is to encourage them to do it even if it makes them uncomfortable. Then they see that they can handle it and are eventually able to do it on their own.

For your son, it might work better if he had some additional support at school like Marg said and/or if he had some incentive for doing it instead of a punishment for not doing it. I always start with a pretty big incentive at first just to get my daughter over the initial resistance. At first, I might give her a snow cone after school for one day of doing it. Then the next week, she might have to do it all week to get it.

The bottom line is that you want your child to succeed in the honors classes. It really won't help if he goes back to the regular classes especially if he still doesn't do the work.

 

[Kjs]

DOL (daily oral language) has been a daily excersize in every grade he was in. He has always refused it. The rare occassions he did it he does it correctly. They copy sentences down from the overhead and then make the punctuation corrections. He KNOWs this.

I was told 4 years ago that he is overwhelmed when he gets an assignment, just cannot do it, just looses it. I was told he looks at this big picture. Example..Math - 50 problems. OMG..I can't do that, that is too much, it will take me forever. This goes on for a very long time. When the teacher would get together with him and have him just take one at a time, he was fine. But he doesn't see that...he see's this big assignment.

But yesterday it was TWO sentences. I wonder how long the sentences were. he does have troubles writing.

I asked him again why...same as always, "I don't know"

 

[witzend]

With M it was "I hate writing". And this matters because... ? He did it if it was something he liked. You should see his blogs! They're overly articulate and well written (if somewhat pompous) and LONG! I just wish that they would see how much they limit themselves when they won't participate! It breaks my heart...

 

[mrscatinthehat]

When we were doing this with difficult child 2 and I wasn't in the room with him his teacher actually emailled me everyday with a report of problems. That way we could stay on top of things. I was very lucky that the teacher was willing to do this. Why is yours not willing to do weekly? It is in the IEP so a friendly reminder of that would be good. We did a reward consequence each night. Good report reward. Bad report consequence. It worked for a while.

Beth

 

[Marguerite]

Kjs, this isn't about compliance, this isn't about motivation. There is something else that is bothering him about this, BIG time, and it's also not a recent issue.

The number of sentences isn't what bothers him. It's something else and this is only a symptom. If this isn't resolved (and by that I mean UNDERSTOOD, not "fixed") then there will be much bigger problems in apparently unrelated areas, later on.

This is not about a kid being naughty or deliberately difficult. He is phobic about something and he can't identify it. There is something seriously mismatched about the way he operates mentally. He has done well academically because the way he thinks has worked for him, so far. But it is apparently incompatible with this exercise - he either needs to find an alternative way to work, mentally, or be given a different way to handle this exercise.

He needs help, not discipline or punishment. Not even positive motivation will help here - he already IS positively motivated. He wants to do well.

If this keeps getting pushed without any alternative (lateral thinking) put in place to help him, then he will shut down and become "stubborn" and pretend he's just not caring about it - and his reaction to the news about this class shows he DOES care, very much. But youthful bravado which he's observed has taught him to pretend not to care when people are getting angry with him, especially if he can't understand this about himself.

I know this is an honors class, but he comes into the category of gifted-learning disabled. He still needs support - not to achieve academically, but to find a connection between the left hand thread of his brain and the right hand thread of the lessons. Just because he is gifted doesn't mean he can't have support, an IEP, 504 or whatever you can get. Crikey, we're more backward educationally in Australia, and WE can get help for our gifted kids - a young colleague from difficult child 3's drama class is autistic (much more severe than difficult child 3 - really saying something) and he goes to a Selective High School - it sounds like your difficult child's honors class, only in this case the whole school is for gifted kids who have passed some very high standard tests to get in. And this boy has a full-time aide as well as a lot of supports in place. My easy child went to this school, it was a reason she did brilliantly in her graduation.

So if OUR kids down under can get help, surely your really terrific kid can get help too? This is a long-term problem, it can't be solved by force or heavy-handed tactics, or threats, or punishment. The school needs to shift their mental gears and HELP this kid!

I'm really concerned for him, and for you.

Marg