Time to update on easy child...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ThreeShadows, Apr 9, 2011.

  1. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    It is an amazing fact that our difficult child 1 has been warning us about easy child for well over a year. We trusted that she was making good decisions and assumed he was jealous because she isn't ADHD!

    The psychiatric hospital felt that her abandonment issues were not that significant, so she went inpatient. She was very hyper, speaking non-stop. I started to wonder about hypomania.

    It was a painful walk from the ward to our car. The unit reminded us of an orphanage.

    She stayed there seven days, witnessing things she never saw in her pre-hospital life, kept on saying "I don't belong here". This was always countered with "well, yes, you do honey, just look at the gash on your arm". The other girls scared her, one was hallucinating, one was a 16 heroin addict with a 2 y.o. son. There was a lot of wailing and screaming, chair throwing, etc...It was a wild week with 22 admissions. When we went to pick her up, she was fighting off an anxiety attack because two of the girls had just beaten each other up during group session.

    Now she is in the hospital's day program and will be released Tues. PM.

    I have been assigned to check her body for any new cuts. She hates being looked at. Most of her scars are on her upper thighs.

    The shrink said easy child needs to build up trust again, but easy child admitted last night that she went through my purse to find her cell phone. I informed her that I would have lost a hand if I had opened my mother's purse!

    I found two slutty (red with black frills) thongs, one was hidden under her mattress, "oh, gee, how did that get there? I've been looking for that for a while!". Well, honey, I guess it slithered across the floor while you were asleep and took refuge there....

    Now I suspect that she was sexting, UGH! The shrink said we may never find out what sent her over the edge. I've been googling "cutting teens" for days because she had a bunch of signs with large printed words "hello, my name is XXX, I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts and cutting for over 6 months. This is my story". I never realized that she was so deceitful. She claims she made the signs for a future video "to help teens who were thinking of cutting". How helpful of her!

    Which one of the board moms says "I know you're lying because I see your lips moving"? That's how I will be treating her until we have had a lot of family therapy under our belt.

    Thank you for being here, you are all my family.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Hugs}}} It's going to take a while for her to realize that everything has changed now and it wasn't your doing. Stay firm, be vigilant and be kind to yourself. You may want to enlist difficult child 1's help in monitoring easy child.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, at least one of us has said that about our g's fg. My husband says that about our son. "I know he's lying because his lips are moving."

    I have to admit, you gave me a cple chuckles with-your sarcasm and sense of humor.

    Funny how we find humor in the darkest of moments.

    What an experience for her! I wonder how she will digest it in the coming weeks.

    Many hugs.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, 3S.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that she is so ill. It is so hard to be in so much pain and even harder to hide it. Please be aware that even if there are NO items sharp enough to cut, she can still find ways to hurt herself. Many cutters deny it for years. It wasn't until my mother saw that Wiz was cutting that she admitted to anyone that she was also doing it. I knew, because I did laundry while we lived with her. I also just knew. I first learned about it in 7th grade. I had just moved from Catholic school with uniforms to public school with-o them and I had NO fashion sense. The other kids ripped me into pieces. I would sit in the bathroom or my room and cry silently and rake my fingernails up and down my upper thighs, sometimes to the point I gouged grooves into my legs. Why did I start, where did I get the idea? I came down in the middle of the night one night and saw my mother doing it and crying. Only she didn't use her nails, she had scissors. To this day she denies it, says she only ever cut for a week or two here and tehre. I saw her and realized it somehow helped her cope wtih the pain, so I tried it. I stopped because it made me feel worse and made me feel I had to hide even more.

    Your daughter will do and say a LOT of things to make it sound and look like she is working to help others stop or not need to do what she is doing. You are right about the lips moving, and the entire family will need help getting through this.

    It may be very helpful for you to see a therapist of your own, to help you navigate through your feelings regarding this. One thing you may want to consider is the label of easy child. Of course easy child's have problems, but this is maybe a sign or more problems than the easy child label can clearly express. remember as you deal with your own hurt and pain over this that she is also in a LOT of pain.

    It may help your overall relationship with your difficult child to let him know that you are sorry that you thought he was trying to make trouble or turn the focus away from him onto her when he told you that easy child had problems. That you know he was telling you that she was in real trouble, big trouble, and that you are sorry that you didn't listen when he told you this.

    From experience I can tell you that just the sincere apology can take away a good chunk of the hurt that difficult child endured when you didn't believe him. I was the easy child in our house, but nothing positive ever came from telling an adult that my bro was doing dangerous things like smoking, drinking and using drugs. Years later my mother and father finally realized what had happened, that they asked us to tell them if we saw each other doing these things, yet never believed it when I told them. Of course a lot of anger had built up over the years of this, but their apology let me release the hurt and anger and move on. It didn't change anything that happened in the past, but it had a HUGE impact on our relationship from that point on. Parents are not perfect, and it is often hard to think that your child would do these things after all that you did to teach them not to. Apologizing to your difficult child will let him know that you understand he was not trying to hurt easy child or you, but that he was truly worried about her and was asking for help for her. Chances are it will mean a LOT to him, whether he acts like it now or not.
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I know how hard it is - I have been there. I don't think Onyxx is cutting any more - but I could not swear it. And after finding yet more slutty underwear... Sigh.

    The first was hidden in a box with a babydoll. We burned it - UGH - it looked as if it hadn't been washed. Onyxx was just-then 12. We never mentioned it to her, and we had started going through her room on a regular basis because things were disappearing, she was writing on things (walls, mirrors, shower, carpet, furniture...) and urinating in her garbage can then swearing the cats did it (though we kept her bedroom door closed when she was not there AND her garbage can had a lid).

    I somehow clued in to her cutting early on but could not prove it. Talked to her about it. Found articles online for her to read (and some for her not to read). However, with the sexual abuse history, I could not look at her body - she threw a FIT if we so much as knocked on her door while she was changing. Not as much anymore, but I haven't seen all of her since she was 9 and changing in the living room. (Which we had to discourage... LOL!)

    About the cell phone. Wherever you keep it, keep the battery and/or SIM card in a different place. Seriously. Onyxx stole her phone back at one point - and returned it two days later, because it wouldn't work. (However, it was stolen from husband's nightstand, and returned to my vanity... REALLY?)

    I agree with the apology to difficult child. And also with the assuming easy child is lying until independently corroborated. It hoovers, big time, but it's a reality we have to live with.

    Cutting is the most prevalent (at least to our knowledge), but there was a time in high school that I did hurt myself - brush, curling iron, that sort of thing. I had stipple-bruises on my arms from the brush. It helped to know I was in control there. With difficult child... easy child may feel out of control.

    Hugs, hon... Let us know how things progress.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Hugs 3S.

    I know the tweedles are lying when they look me straight in the eye & try to convince me of one thing or the other. The lips moving may be another indicator.

    kt's hiding her thong underwear ~ I often wonder where she gets this stuff. I think friends are sneaking it in while visiting here & kt is trading off some of her stuff. I've not taken this battle on. I keep kt's cell on because of the GPS locater & my darlin kt is a runner.

    However, your difficult child has her own issues to battle. I remember her from our trip to Cleveland & she's a delightful young woman. I hope she can remember her own beauty, her own positives while she's battling cutting & all's that involved with it.

    Take care, my friend.
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this. How scary for a parent to find this out about a child they thought was doing OK. -RM
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i read things such as this and sit shaking my head in awe of ppl like you. i have a bad deal going on yet in comparison it doesn't even compare.

    your strength blows me away as your love for this child. just remember what an amazing parent you really are and hang in there. your doing a great job!!!

    lots of hugs to you and husband and here's hoping she begins to find her way now
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hugs dear sister - Hugs.....

    Scissors for thongs......Scissors......snip snip....and replace........snip snip and.......replace. I'd let her have them - I'd just alter them.