Ugh..send me vibes

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, May 3, 2016.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Had a unpleasant interaction with my son today....... He is In a sober living house and is going to an IOP and we are paying for it. The deal is he needs to go to the IOP for our financial support. He is supposed to go 3 times a week. Monday he did not go so I cut off funds.... I did ask him why and he had a reason which made sense but I still didn't give him funds. today he called me and it got somewhat nasty and I finally hung up on him. I then sent him a message clearly laying out that yes there are strings attached and to get financial support from us you need to be sober, doing things for your recovery and having some structured time .... When you get a job and are going to school we can talk about IOP. All extremely reasonable and generous in my book. He I s24 for goodness sakes!! I told him when he is fully supporting himself he won't have to answer to us. Well he just sent me a message saying I was gunning for a relationship my brother had with my dad (they were completely estranged for many years). I did not respond. I know this will blow over when he needs something.... But darn it I think he is making progress and then this happens. My fear is that he will use this as an excuse to go drinking..... But I know I can't take responsibility for that. That would be his choice. We shall see if he goes to the IOP tomorrow. I am so tired of this....
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In my book you did the right thing. Predictably, he is threatening to punish you for not giving him money. So many disturbed kids, especiallily those on drugs (including pot and alcohol addicts who are jobless). try to tie a relarionship with them to whether or not we give them money, often used for drugs. Your son does not yet seem to be of sober mind. That is as important as being sober, period, because he will not stay sober if he really isnt of sober mind. Instead, yes, he will go do his substance of choice and to teach us a lesson, they tend to tell us that OUR responses to their entitlement made them do it. Insane, but it does make a lot of us feel guilty, like it IS our faults. Thats why they say it!

    Nobody makes them do it unless you have hog tied your kid and slipped a needle in his arm. He or she does it because he or she wants to. If they can hurt us a bit by blaming us, they will. I have not yet figured out why. All I can come up with is that they are a slave to their drug of choice and if we refuse them money to buy it or a car to get it or a cozy bedroom to use it in, they will throw a baby tantrum and blame us or cruelly cut us off or do anything to try to get us to help them use. We stand in their way of the beloved substance. I see it as a love triangle. And we cant win unless we help them self destruct. The dtug is the beloved, not us.

    A month, two months, three months is not long enough for anyone to be mind sober. It's a day to day struggle for a lifetime...a total change of life that the person chooses. We did not make this choice for our child and we can not chsnge the mindset. When/if it happens, you will know. Everything will change. You wont wonder.

    Until then, we will be the [email protected] wife to the other woman (the drugs).

    Al anon can help all of us, even if we are not religious. Just disregard the god part and listen to the wisdom and common sense. It is hard to be alone in the jungle with only those who never went through it telling us what to do.
    Connect in face time with those who understand. Do it for yourself. Be good to ypu. You havent done anything wrong. Refuse to listen to abuse or threats. Disconnect any "you are awful" conversations. Chin up. Respect yourself.

    You know for a fact that you did your best. in my opinion your son will make more progress and faster if you refuse to let him blame you from now on. Then eventually...he will have to look at himself.

    Big hugs.
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  3. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    It may seem like a one step forward, two steps back kind of thing, but I don't think it really is. Think about him at his worst in terms of drug abuse. Was the a single step that could possibly be considered positive at that time? Even if it occasionally is 1 step forward, 2 steps back, he is progressing, albeit slower than you might like. He is going to make mistakes. He is likely to slip up again. That is a sad truth of early recovery. He may backslide a bit, but the positives he is doing right now will continue to serve him in the future. I agree with how you handled this little backslide. Making sure to stay very firm on your arrangement with him. He has to experience consequences, even if the mistake wasn't all "that" bad. He can get used to the truth that accountability is on HIM, and not on you. If he breaks an agreement or arrangement, it his HIS fault, and not yours. There is absolutely NO point in setting up rules you have no intention of enforcing. So I am glad you actually ARE enforcing them, regardless of how relatively small this breach was.
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  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, TL.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thank you. We shall see if he goes to IOP today. If he doesn't he will eventually get hungry....
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    TL - try to detach a little bit more. Don't get caught up in the day to day worry. You're going to make yourself nuts.

    I'm sort of in the same place you are and it's HARD. I feel myself getting sucked in. Have to pull back. It's hard. It's not normal. It's our reality.

    Stay strong. You ARE doing the right thing.
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  7. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi TL. I'll 2nd what RN said, "you are so doing the right thing"
    They can manage to say the harshest things..and then... call right up saying "whatcha doing...?" Translation: I'll be nice because I need $, help, bail, fill in the blank..."Oh" , I think, "you CAN be nice if you want something"..the definition of being used, isn't it?

    ..Or because it's tuesday or the sun is shining, or it's whatever. My hubby is a rock in this area--he would say to me "what were the excuses all the other times he drank/drugged?" Their lack of correlation between cause and effect just slays me.

    Wow-don't I say this after every interaction? ..and yet, there is hope. I know you are so tired, we all are. But as a circle we are strong, stronger than we could possibly believe. Hold on. Prayers.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL I am so sorry also. He has been through this rehab thing enough times to know what your position is and yet he continues to try to get you to waiver. I wouldn't answer his texts until he is following his end of the bargain. I know this is hard, you've been at this so many years now. They say the brain doesn't develop until age 25....he's almost there (trying to give you some encouragement here).
    Last edited: May 4, 2016
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks all...... I was thinking today how would I react if he did get his act together and then cut off all contact? And I realized well then I would just have to let go some more but I would survive. I actually am really enjoying my life right now overall..... And just need to try not to let him interfere with that.
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  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    He isn't going to cut off all contact when he's sober. I don't believe that for one minute.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member are probably right. He may be sober now... In that he is not drinking (I hope) but yeah his mind set is not where it needs to be. So you are absolutely right if and when he really gets sober and gets his life together he won't cut off all contact. That really is an empty threat. thanks for that reminder.
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  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    TL, I agree with the others: one, you are too tied in; two, you are doing everything right.
    He is acting a jerk to try to hurt you. That is why you need to back off.

    I would tell him, fine. Make my day, your choice. (But M, my SO, says I need to have more self-control.)

    All of this, should be my manifesto:
    The thing is, I will speak about my son here. Who wants to use his drugs (marijuana, mainly.) But wants our help, too, and wants to be close to us.

    It is back to the cake and eating it, too. When do they get that it is their problem to figure it out.

    They keep thinking the solution is that we go out to the bakery to buy more cake.
    Last edited: May 5, 2016
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That's a really good line, Copa. I might have to use it.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Go for it, Insane.