Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by WSM, May 20, 2009.

  1. WSM

    WSM New Member

    I'm sorry for taking up so much bandwidth with my melodrama when you all have enough in your lives.

    Yesterday between school and leaving the house, difficult child scribbled with a sharpie on our new wood floors. Today after work, I researched how to clean it off, and took some nail polish to test it. I'm sitting on the floor and bent down and see under the bed and there's a carefully folded piece of paper there.

    It reads in difficult child's handwriting:

    I did it because I didn't do it. if i did do it then I am skitsafrenia. i am scycolocaly ill. i am worse than my mother. i am by pollar. i am mentaly retarded. i am mentally challaigned i have personality disorder. I am cyco.

    And then he writes I am cyco about 200 time.

    I dread showing husband. He'll be home in 20 minutes.

  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm sorry.

    It's either a cry for help, or he's repeating what he's hearing from the adults in his life (including therapist).

    In any event, I hope the psychiatric hospital will help get him on the road to appropriate treatment.

    Hang in there.
  3. compassion

    compassion Member

    At least he is owning he is ill. ((( )))) to you all.Ill not bad. Compassiion
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He knows he's sick. Kids know when they are different--from one who knew as a kid.
  5. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    You write as much as you need.

    I'm so sorry. I agree with SW. He's either repeating what he has heard, or he knows he's very ill.

    Hold on to that note.

    I'm sorry about the floor too. My difficult children have damaged and destroyed so many things of mine-especially Son.
  6. WSM

    WSM New Member

    I did once yell at husband during the fight that sent us to marital counseling: "He's got a personality disorder and you can't rescue him, just like you couldn't rescue your mother from herself or your ex from herself. You can't rescue people from themselves."

    husband has compared him to his mother as in "Is that the kind of life you want. Do you want to follow her example."

    Nobody that I can imagine has ever called him mentally retarded or mentally challenged, that's just not true. He scores extremely high in math testing and his IQ is 106. Maybe school kids call each other retarded or retard, but he goes to a rougher school than that, and they probably have better perjoratives than retard.

    Schizophrenia and psychological and mental illness is just something that is discussed in our house and in his life a lot. He's been seeing social workers, counselors, therapists, CPS workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc...regularly since he was three. He's asked questions about it, he's spied on us while we talked about it between ourselves, it's part of what's wrong with his mom. Who knows what discussions he's had with therapists and all about it. Everyone wants to talk to him about it, that and how does he feel about his mom. He knew words like psychiatrists, positive reinforcement, behavior modification and such at age 7.

    No one has ever thought he was bi polar. Depressed, anxious, yes, but never, ever manic. He has a very flat, remote, shut down effect, and when he's engaging, he's polite and friendly and quiet and helpful. He's never acted like he couldn't control himself (except he can't). The only sign that might possibly be manic is he doesn't sleep much--but that's a sign of many, many things.

    I don't think anyone's called him psycho, unless its among peers. So I don't know why he wrote it.

    I've had a head ache all day and am going to bed.
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think he's using words he's heard because he knows something is wrong, but isn't sure what. I hope your husband brings this note to the hospital psychiatrist's attention.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I think this is pretty common with our kids. He was venting, and it was how he felt in the moment. It sounds like he was searching for answers as to why he was different in his vent. I am sure he does not feel this way about himself all of the time - however - our kids know they are different. Sometimes they just need someone else to help define to them how.

    Sorry for your hurting mommy heart.:( And his.
  9. WSM

    WSM New Member

    husband missed the call from the doctor and when he called back a nurse gave him a little info.

    difficult child is going to stay on the 5mg of lexapro and 250 mg of depakote twice a day. The depakote surprises me because a quick look on the internet indicates that it's for the manic stage of bipolar and seizures, and he's generally very remote and still and controlled--but alert, he's paying attention to everything that's going on around him.

    I guess there is something called absence seizures, and he might have that. They 'do see and recognize several of his issues'.

    THey are going to release him on Monday and want to do a family counseling session at 2 on Saturday.
    Last edited: May 21, 2009
  10. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Is a neurological workup (EEG and MRI) planned? It's helpful if any kind of seizure is suspected.

    Depakote also treats anger and aggression. As you read correctly, however, it helps more with the manic rather than the depressive stage of bipolar disorder. My two older children became irritable and depressed on high levels of Depakote (1000 mg-plus) so we discontinued it in favor of Lamictal, which helps more with bipolar depression.

    Good luck.
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    That's interesting. I'm wondering why they aren't trying an atypical antipsychotic, which can help with the impulsiveness, the anger, and possibly even the disordered thinking, but I'm no doctor.

    Did you show husband the note from under the bed? Maybe you should bring that with you to the meeting.

    I hope you get some plan of action on Saturday.
  12. WSM

    WSM New Member

    Yes I showed him the note. I said I thought he could fax it to the therapist. He got mad and said "Do you want to take over, or are you going to let me do it my way?"

    Which means put it somewhere and forget it. He doesn't want to show it to the doctor, he's decided it doesn't matter and just shows how 'mean' I am. He doesn't want any more proof that difficult child is troubled to be factored to difficult child's diagnosis, it's bad enough that the therapist said difficult child was 'very, very disturbed' after 3 visits. He can't bear to have difficult child upgraded to 'very, very, VERY disturbed'.

    It must be exhausting to constantly have to manage and control information and image of someone who continually sabotages your efforts. He wants it to mean nothing and to be insignificant so he's going to pretend it is. He's going to ignore it instead of letting the therapist decide. He doesn't want difficult child to present too sick. I think he regrets putting difficult child in and wants to snatch him back to the safety of home and under his 'control' again.

    I have no patience for it any more--this sort of game hurts difficult child. That picture should have been shown to professionals a year and a half ago. The therapist should have gotten a fax of the letter today. If it's harmless, it's harmless, let the therapist decide, not husband. husband hasn't done to well at 'fixing' difficult child so far and needs to give it up. "If we all pretend really REALLY hard that difficult child is just a little off, then maybe we can squeak by."

    husband thinks he's helping difficult child but he isn't. And he gets mad at me because I won't 'support' him in doing this kind of damage control and information editing and covering up of difficult child's actions. Magical thinking does not cure mental illness or personality disorders. husband needs to give up this game, it's old and it hinders difficult child's treatment.

    husband is very angry that I insisted that game got returned promptly, he was 'going to return it'. husband has always withheld information from tdocs or given it a gentle spin or dressed it down. When I go into a therapy session and tell what I've seen the tdocs change. It's hard on me and hard on husband.

    I foresee difficult child getting a lot of spoiling when he comes home. husband feels so guilty. He even said after he came home from the psychiatric hospital after having him admitted, "He's going to make me pay for doing this to him. Down the line, he's going to get me back for tonight." So he's going to be kissing difficult child's behind Monday night.

    I sort of dread difficult child's return and am thinking why am I living like this? Even with all the bickering with a prickly me and husband, this last 24 hours has reminded me of the sweetness of normalcy and freedom. Having to go back to hypervigilence, watching, constant supervision and all that is depressing.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion the kid has more than a personality disorder.

    It's too bad husband is in denial. He isn't helping his son. I don't even know if he CAN help this kid, but if there's a chance, he isn't giving him the chance by withholding information from tdocs and other professionals. He needs to face the truth. I hope one day he can, before a tragedy happens. This kid is a time bomb waiting to explode, and I bet he will.
  14. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    If you are THAT ticked at how husband is handling this, what do you have to lose by faxing the note anyway? By forcing the issue, he either has to step up and face the music or he'll have his own little meltdown -- either way the docs will be given additional clues which they NEED if they are truly going to help difficult child. I'm sorry husband has so much trouble facing reality. That really is his issue that is going to have to be addressed if your family is going to survive intact (in my humble opinion).

    He's more worried about how his CHILD will perceive HIM (the adult) than actually helping this very sick little boy. Now who's the sick one?
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You know.........I could be wrong.........but before I even read your sig I sensed the fact that you are not his bio mom.

    I was your husband when I was married to difficult children step dad. I felt pushed into constantly defending my kid. I felt triggered by the doctors, my husband, the judgemental neighbors. I knew my kid was mentally ill - but I wanted to somehow protect him. I did not know from what - but it was triggered by others who did not maternally know him. It was not OK or right - and of course I further hurt my kid - but at the time I could not stop. It felt like so many people were against my kid and me, even my husband, that the only thing I could do was defend and protect him.

    I would really suggest stepping way, way back and let your husband handle this all by himself. Is that possible? He needs to feel like he owns his son, and is responsible for him without judgement or fear from others. I am sure you are not meaning to judge - but that could be what it feels like to him. I remember distinctly hiding things from therapists because I was just too scared to face their reaction. I was so so scared. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me that my son was going to be OK - that was all. I needed it desperately. Maybe that is what husband needs from you in order to face reality.
  16. WSM

    WSM New Member

    I can barely contain myself.

    husband informed me it doesn't really matter that difficult child stole the Nintendo DS from his classmate: after all his classmate is a criminal. difficult child stole it from a criminal.

    Umm.....difficult child HAS THREE FELONY CONVICTIONS !!!!

    difficult child IS A CRIMINAL HIMSELF.

    And how does husband know the victim of difficult child's crime is a criminal? Because he goes to that military school, 'all those kids are criminals'.

    Bet he didn't have 3 felonies by age 11 years and one month. In fact, I know that only one other kid has a felony at that school. difficult child is one of the worse kids criminal wise at that school. In fact, I know through my job's crime statistics that difficult child has one of the worst criminal backgrounds in our state. There are two kids who have killed, and a few rapists, but even then they were older than 11 years and one month.

    ANd even if that kid does have a few legal problems (altho the school doesn't take anyone with open cases), it doesn't make it okay to steal from him. And husband doesn't even know this kid, he knows NOTHING about him, NOTHING. This boy who difficult child stole from might just as easily have turned his life around, might be younger than difficult child, might have a background worse than difficult child.

    husband got himself all mixed up too. At one point he said, it needed to be proved before difficult child could be blamed for it and the other kid was a victim, completely forgetting that IT HAS BEEN PROVEN COMPLETELY 100% that difficult child did steal it. He admitted it, there is no doubt difficult child is the thief. husband said, "probably that kid stole it himself".

    I am so disgusted with husband. I think if I hadn't pushed the issue husband would not have returned the DS to protect difficult child, or would have tried to pass it off that difficult child borrowed it or had permission and if the other kid said it was stolen the other kid was lying.

    I'm not even telling this coherently I'm so upset. YOu should have heard the disdain in husband's voice when talking about the victim of difficult child's thievery.

    I know I'm not even making sense.

    I AM SO DISGUSTED WITH husband !!!!!!!!!!
  17. WSM

    WSM New Member

    And it's this sort of thing that makes me afraid for my stepdaughter if I were to leave. husband would smooth over victimizing her. husband was born and bred to cater to the mentally and emotionally ill by his mother. He would teach daughter to cater to difficult child and call mistreatment 'noble' and 'being the bigger person'.

    Maybe that's not fair, but.....


    (now let me go to bed and cry)
  18. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Your husband is rationalizing and trivializing difficult child's behavior. It is just crazymaking the way he is in complete denial over the reality of the situation! I don't blame you for being worried for SD. If she doesn't have some stabilizing force in her life (you) she's likely destined to turn into the same kind of codependent her dad is.

    Continue to speak your truth, whether he likes it or not. Don't let yourself get sucked into the madness of his attempts to smooth everything over. It won't work and you know it. There is NO WAY things will get any better if husband continues to play ostrich and demand that the rest of the family play along.
  19. maril

    maril New Member

    I hope you and your husband can find a way to relax and find some quiet time apart to think things through. You both need comforting and support.

    As far as your DHs denial goes -- in time, when he is able to ingest and digest everything, he may come around. After all, he made the first step by taking difficult child for inpatient evaluation and treatment.

    I would hope the professionals working with your DS will also be very supportive for you and your husband.

    My husband, too, had been in denial but slowly came around and became more involved with difficult children treatment; has a better understanding now and it makes life a bit easier around here. ;)
  20. mamabear01

    mamabear01 New Member

    Gosh, I feel so sorry for you. And for your step son. And for your husband. Your whole family!!!

    With that note (which I feel would be a very important piece for your difficult child's mental health recovery) I would probably talk to the docs privatly and say I wish to remain annoymous (sp?) but this is something you need to know.

    And then give it to them.

    They should be trained to take this new info and work with him without involving you.

    They don't have to say they know squat. They can just do what they have to do with the new infor they got from an annoymous (sp?) person.