Ultimatum Given, now Trepidation....


Psycho Gorilla Dad
Hi NOLA. Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing as us. I hope that you/we're able to find a path through the mess your/our kids have made of their lives.

And by the way, I don't consider bayouland the "third world", regardless of what some storm may have done. I was born and raised in the big red stick, and I, live, breath, and bleed purple and gold!

And now, time for the next episode of "As the WeedWhacker Turns..."

Yesterday evening, McWeedy was gone and not answering his phone (as usual). Called wife, asked if she'd heard from him. No? Okay, I'm trying one more time, then I'm cutting off service. "Wait, let me try texting him". Okay. 10 minutes later, no reply from wife, so I call back. Her tone was either mad or defeated, but she said she couldn't get a response. "I'm cutting off service". "Okay, but you know this starts the war".

?? I thought it had already started. Starting to get a bad feeling about this, but I finally press on. Call McWeedy one more time while logged into the phone company website. If McWeedy doesn't answer, I push the button and his phone dies. But surprisingly, he DOES answer. I read him the riot act for disappearing all day. "But Dad, I was in the pool and just checked my phone". A lie, because I could see the calls going in and out of his phone just an hour earlier, and wife had been trying for nearly three hours to get him on the phone. I tell him to call his Mom, thinking she'd handle it.

Instead, she puts me out as the heavy. "You're about to push your Dad over the edge. He's going to take your car AND your phone - if his BiPolar (BP) doesn't cause him to have a stroke before then. All we ask is that you stay in contact. Is that so hard?" Yeah, right. That will work.

When I got home, Dancer had two friends sleeping over, and wife had been working hard all day to redecorate Sarge's room while he's across the western pond. PotMonster, of course, wasn't home, and the remaining family unit seemed okay with that. So I tried to practice "detachment", as best as I could. That meant not bringing up McWeedy in conversations, not outwardly stewing over the seething anger and resentment I can't seem to jettison, and actively trying to participate in the activities of the others.

That worked out okay. Not my usual, bubbly self, but okay. McWeedy and Weedette show up a bit later - wife had called him to come home and help move furniture. Since the good cop/bad cop roles had flipped again, and she was the good cop, I guess he didn't mind doing what she wanted. Around 9:30, he and his girlfriend hit the door, and I find out from wife that "they're going out for ice cream, then to a friends house to swim. They'll be home by 11:30". I'm a bit upset, because after today's episode, I would have expected something a bit harsher - NOT extending his curfew by 30 minutes. But I hold off, intending to talk it over with wife later (i.e. away from Dancer and her friends).

But I was really, really mad. Yet another night lost where I was going to try and give McWeedy some stark choices to make. wife is also acting funny. Didn't come out and say it, but is now definitely giving off the vibe that she doesn't want to confront him, and that he's "really not doing anything worse than he did before. Why am I now overreacting?"


Stupified doesn't begin to describe my reaction. But then again, I guess I understand it. wife wants peace in her house. She's come to terms with McWeedy, and I guess is willing to let things ride as long as they don't get any worse to preserve peace for the other two kids in the house.

I'm now visibly and emotionally upset, but I'm also too tired to deal with it any more since I haven't gotten more than 5 hours sleep for a week because of my darling little pothead. So I decided to deal with it tomorrow (today) after finally getting some rest. I go to bed to read and wait for McWeedy to get home.

Care to guess what comes next?

11:30 comes around. Hmmm, no McWeedy. wife glares at me, daring me with her eyes to start "ranting", so I wait. 11:45 rolls around, I start calling, and no surprise, he's not answering. Midnight rolls around, and I'm now in full combat mode, and wife is desperately trying to keep me under control so I don't "ruin Dancer's sleepover". Out the door I go, circling through all the local pothead haunts including Hookah Heaven. No McWeedy. I call Weedette, only to find that they never went for ice cream. He dropped her off as soon as he left my house at 9:45.

Strike one.

Then I call his friend's mother at midnight, asking if McWeedy was over there, or had been there recently. "No, not since this afternoon. I just locked up the pool a few hours ago. My son is out with a friend and is due back at 1am. Maybe call him?" So he never went over to the friends house to go swimming, and never let us know his plans had "changed" (more likely, his plans were going ahead just as he meant them to).

Strike two.

Finally called his friend's phone and get Potmonster on the line about 12:15am. Says he's out with "friends". "What time is it son?". "12:15, Dad". "What time were you supposed to be home?". "Oh, 11:30. I forgot."


"Why haven't you been answering your phone?". "I left it in my car". "How convenient for you. If it's in your car, and you're NOT in your car, you don't have to answer it. Seems to be your new modis operandi, doesn't it? Only, after this afternoon, I would have thought you understood that leaving your phone behind when you're out is NOT an option - EVER!"

Strike three, he's OUT!

"You need to get home NOW!" I bellow. "But Dad, I don't know where I am. I'm in xxxx's car, and I have to wait for him to drive me back to xxxx before I can get home". "Okay, you do that, Son. Haul your skinny rear home as fast as you legally can".

12:45, and he finally walks through the door. wife is "shusshing" me, and I keep my voice down. But I'm done. There must be consequences. However, since I suddenly find myself at odds with wife, I throw down the worst thing I can think of that she'll support. Grounded from the car through the weekend. He can take it to/from work, but that's it. Curfew is now 10pm through Sunday, weekend or no. Don't answer the phone again, and it gets shut off. As it is, I'm probably going to take the nice, new mp3/camera phone away and give him the old ghetto backup phone my daughter blinged out with rhinestones and sticky pictures of dalmations.

I also told him that this was only temporary, and to expect more permanent changes. If he was going to act like a stranger in my house, he had no right to any of the benefits of family membership. wife is glaring but silent. "First, you better start working your duff off, because if your car isn't paid off by your birthday you may lose it. Second, you may want to look at Cricket or a Cingular Go phone, since I'm not going to help you with a phone if you won't answer it. Finally, your girlfriend can no longer stay over here past your curfew for any reason, regardless of what her curfew might be."

Then, I finally let loose with what I really wanted him to hear. "I'm sick of you. I'm looking at you, I see the physical body of my son, but I'm looking into the eyes of a stranger. You lie at every turn, and manipulate every person around you without remorse. You continue to do things that are harmful to yourself, even though you know what the consequences could be. You continue to hurt the ones who love you, then blame us for "caring too much". You have no respect for the family, it's members, or the rules that keep us intact and functional. Yet you demand all the benefits of living here".

<long tirade followed, but omitted for brevity :wink: >.

When done, told him to get out of my bedroom, and start preparing to make his own way through life. wife's only comment is "that's a stupid thing to say", then rolls over and goes to sleep.

Yes, I know, more words, but it was the best I could do without wife's backing. I think it's going to take a few more episodes like this before we stop flip/flopping on the good cop/bad cop roles, and finally both end up as the bad cop. But I'm putting the wood do his butt as best as I can. I'm done trying, and will never be taken in by his BS again. I also have no doubt that McWeedy will eventually find some way to hurt his Mom so much that she swings back into that mode as well. Just not now.

On McWeedy's Facebook site, under "religion" he lists "God hates me". I'm starting to think the same thing about myself. Not really, but isn't karma supposed to flow in positive directions as well as negative ones?

On another front, I'm supposed to hear back from the docs at the medical study about what they propose for addressing the substance abuse issue. Can't wait for that little tidbit of wisdom. I'll take whatever help I can get, but from a triage standpoint, they're talking about curing cancer while the patient is dying from blood loss. I've got to deal with the immediate issues, and I don't have the support I thought I had.

Yet another day. And another surprise. I'm used to them now, and they don't hurt so bad when you're sleep-deprived.

Guess I'll post more when I have more, for you folks who are following the soap opera. At this point, I'm blogging out my nutty life here on CD to keep my sanity, since writing is about the only cathartic activity I have left that helps. Otherwise, I'd become completely consumed, overwhelmed, and probably end up without a job or family.

So I'll continue to write. It's the only thing that helps. Hope you good folks will bear with me.



Active Member
"God hates me". I'm starting to think the same thing about myself. Not really, but isn't karma supposed to flow in positive directions as well as negative ones?

God loves you. has nothing to do with karma.


Active Member
Mikey, once again empty threats. Sorry, but your son has heard these over and over and over. No follow through. He knows there won't be, so why should he come in at curfew, stop drugging, etc? That's why he continues to do the same things over and over and over.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I notice that sometimes you say that you've been told gently and not so gently certain things. I'm sorry if you think this is one of those "not so gentle" responses (and I'm usually one of the softer ones to respond), but you love to write words, but don't want to listen/hear others words. You keep saying one thing, but then come back to say you're giving him another chance or another day or another excuse.

Sorry, I just don't see anything changing.



Psycho Gorilla Dad
Deb, I don't disagree. Only this time, I was blindsided by wife's reticence. One thing I have heard a lot is that wife and I need to be on the same page. Thought we were, but when it came time to actually put wood to rear last night, I found out we weren't in accord. So I did what I could. What should I have done - picked a fight with my wife in front of McWeedy? He would thrive on that, with the end result being that he got what he wanted, got us divided (easier pickings for him), and wife and I are estranged.

I did what I could. I intend to do more. I wanted to do more. I wanted to take his car away last night, only to have wife tell me what a stupid idea that was. I wanted to take his phone away, only to be hit with "then how will we ever know where he is?". I wanted to really, truly tell him that he was already on his way out the door, only to be told by wife "that's a stupid thing to say".

What was I to do? I did what I could. Anything more, and the family would have fractured more than it already has. As it is, I'm really considering having a "man to man" with McWeedy, and informing him that he will NOT come between me and my wife. Ever. He doesn't have the right to make such demands. But that's exactly what he's doing right now.

If wife really is gun-shy when it comes to pulling the trigger (and I wanted to let both barrels loose last night), then I may simply have to put up with McWeedy until he's 18, then find some way to get him out of my house that wife approves of, i.e. one where HE initiates the departure.

Sorry to say, but right at this moment I'm now more concerned with this sudden rift with my wife than I am with the trevails of my ignorant pothead son.

Drifting, waiting for the wind to pick up again....



Hi Mikey,
I'm sorry difficult child is causing so many problems with you and wife--I see you are caught in the middle. How about if you took yourself out of the equation and let her handle him for now? Let her dole out ultimatums and consequences, whatever she thinks is the best way to go. It might speed up the process if she has to deal with him directly and he starts disobeying her--maybe she will get angry and have the gumption to do something. Or, if she doesn't, you still can be more detached from the situation--you can maybe be more calm and sympathetic to her. Does this make any sense?

I feel very frustrated for you--you have no control over wife or difficult child and that is not a good feeling! Also, I so wish you would have cut off the phone when you were in the process of doing so. He really does have control of your household--you seem like you are ready now to wrest the control away but wife is not there yet.

Keep venting if that is helpful to your mental state and I hope you will find us tough but supportive.



Active Member

you cannot control your son
your wife is enabling him

that can cause you to feel unempowered

you CAN control yourself. ignore him. let wife pay for the phone and car stuff.

by the way I STILL dont have a cellphone myself and I can survive. there are still payphones and OPP (other people's phones)

he is creative enough to come up with lies and excuses--- he can find a phone.

he is the boss of your house and has wife to back him up. all are in fear of him. dont waste your breath on a man to man....he is not listening. mom will override anyway, and all this causes you to hyperventilate.

give up. let go. take care of you. tell wife she is in charge of your son. say it with a smile as you turn the reins over to her.


Psycho Gorilla Dad
Deb, one other thing on this:

My own personal demon that I wrestle with is that I want too much, want to push too hard, and am being unreasonable. That may seem strange to you all, since it appears that I've been all talk and no walk. But there was a time before I came to CD that I was all walk and NO talk (except for yelling). Back then, when I thought I was still in control, there wasn't anything I wasn't willing to do (or so I thought). I even threatened to call Juvie on McWeedy and have him committed against his will - and had every intention of dragging his butt to the docs, have him drug tested, and then lock him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) if he dropped dirty.

That was the first time he ran away, and stayed away (and drunk) for nearly three days.

All the things that have been suggested so far, I considered; and at some points, came near to doing. Ultimately, though, he called my bluff and found my weak spot. The fear of him running away shut me down with anxiety attacks. Those don't happen any more, thanks to good treatment and a shift from fear to anger on my part. So now I can move on and do what's needed, right?

Well, sort of. I don't suffer from anxiety any more, but that doesn't take away the from the dark fear I have that in some way, I still am the gorilla my son thinks me to be. Whenever I've finally had enough, when I'm finally ready to do something drastic and dramatic, a dart sails out of the shadows right into that vulnerable place in my psyche that says "you're being a real, overbearing jackass on this, Mike".

If it were just McWeedy throwing those darts, then right now I'm angry enough that they'd burst into flames before they ever reached me. But I've gotten that "hint" from several other areas as well; my therapist, McWeedy's therapist, several of McWeedy's teachers that I tried to work with, the new docs running the medical study, one of my few friends that I talk to (who used to be a pothead difficult child), my brother (for what that's worth), and now I'm getting it from my wife as well.

The overall subliminal message is "Back off. You're pushing too hard, being unreasonable, and acting like a jerk".

As destructive as it is, the anger and resentment I now feel is the only thing that empowers me to do the little bit I've done so far. But that voice just won't go away, and the whispers come from many different mouths. The more I resolve to push, the louder the whispers get. It's hard to keep up your resolve in the face of that type of resistance, especially when one source of it is your SO.

So, like I said, I did what I could. Could I have done anything else?



Active Member
by the way I was once the person riding around, and having a list of ant's contacts as I sought him out night after night log after curfew. I lost lots of sleep while my ex slept and didnt care. he thought I was too hard on ant..."he's only a boy"

I caught him in tons of lies and in lots of bad situations. it didnt end til I stopped participating in the chaos. it ended for me when I chose. he continued that life a long time after I quit. same results, but I slept at night, realized I had no power and accepted it.


ant's mom is saying what I was trying to say but much better! Yes, yes, remove yourself from the chaos--turn it over to wife. This is not good for you or anyone in your family. You certainly do not have control over them and that probably is driving you insane so stop--give up the control and the notion that it is all up to you to do something. Get on with your own life, quit devoting all your energy to this--just step back, step out. Let wife take over the reins and do not step in--don't criticize, don't do anything except be there for her when it doesn't work out!



Psycho Gorilla Dad
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> it ended for me when I chose. he continued that life a long time after I quit. same results, but I slept at night, realized I had no power and accepted it.</div></div>

Was that before or after he left your house?



Psycho Gorilla Dad

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Let wife take over the reins and do not step in--don't criticize, don't do anything except be there for her when it doesn't work out!</div></div>

Jane, I hear you. But at the risk of sounding argumentative, been there done that many times over. It's a cycle. I get to the point where I can't take it any more, and come close to going Katrina on McWeedy. wife (or someone else) then steps in and backs me down. wife takes over as McWeedy's "handler", but that usually ends up with him taking a running leap off Mount Doom into the flaming abyss. wife loses it, I step in to pick up the pieces, repeat cycle.

This time, I thought we'd both cycled into the same zone at the same time. Guess I was wrong. In the end, I may have to do what you suggest. But this time, if I do, the next major meltdown will probably come after he's 18. If there's to be a conflict, I'd hoped to have it before then, when I could still wield some little influence to force him at least one or two steps down a better path.

I still haven't resolved this with wife. Talked with her on the phone several times today, and it's like nothing ever happened last night. Life goes on, and nothing changes.

My son or my wife. What's a gorilla to do when faced with such a choice?




Mikey, if I have ONE regret about the way my husband and I handled our son last summer when he was pulling the same kind of stunts your son is, it is that I didn't back off and let my husband handle things.

Instead, I felt that my husband was too harsh on our poor baby boy, expected too much, wasn't patient enough, etc. We had endless arguments about our different feelings about how we should handle things.

Example: When my husband had absolutely had it with our son and told him to find elsewhere to live, I hated him for the first time (my beloved husband of thirty plus years!) and cut myself off from him emotionally. When our son came home to "check in" (translate, hit me up for money) every day of the week he left home, I danced around the important issues at hand until I could find some grain of justification for giving it to him.

My husband finally gave up in defeat and backed off to let me handle things. The end result was that my son (with my permission) continued to manipulate me while completely losing all respect for his dad as a father and a man.

It's taken my husband a good part of the eight months our son has been gone to break out of his mild depression and regain his self-respect and the two of us most of that time to repair the damage done to our relationship.

The fact is that our son was running the show and knew it. In his eyes, his father was a weakling, and I was a pushover. What was to respect? And, given that, why in God's name would he give a rat's bottom what either or us said and/or thought?



Active Member
it ended for me when I chose. he continued that life a long time after I quit. same results, but I slept at night, realized I had no power and accepted it.

Was that before or after he left your house?

before and after...lol

my mother in law lived two doors from me. my then husb lived here with us. the two of them never let me enforce a thing. they handed ant money. when ant was 13 he got a job washing dishes. mother in law told him to quit and she paid him what he would have made. if he bad mouthed, skipped school, got in trouble ( he still holds the school record for the number detentions and suspensions and was expelled in 8th and 9th grade)
no matter what he did including giving me the finger and screaming F YOU to me on the sidewalk in front of my house...whatever....they said I was being too hard on him.

I tried from when he was 13 til 16 to intervene. I could not get him to come in anytime anyday. I pulled his car off him and locked it in my sister's barn without telling my husb. My then husb let him use his truck even when I said NO&gt; ant would laugh and thumb his nose at me.

when my husb was working night shift and ant's car was still locked up, ant stole my car and left for 9 dys. when the car was located, and ant brought back my husb said nothing to ant. not one thing! the car was trashed and had to be sold.

ant never saw consequences. I could not win. finally one day after the cops called and told me they had picked up ant all stupid from drugs..and that he had a wad of money that my mother in law gave him...I quit.

she knew she was giving him drug money. I told her I would not speak to her until she stopped. (I never did speak to her again)
I told my husb he had to intervene or I was turning ant into the juvenile authorities. ant stole his dad's wedding ring and sold it for 25 bucks for gas money. his dad said nothing. ant stole a month's supply of his dad's oxycontin he was on and sold it.

I called the cops, had ant put away for two yrs. in juvenile.

I was trying to save his life before I lost my mind. my then husb and his mother hated me for doing that. no one believed I did the right thing. when ant got out in two yrs he came home. a few weeks later, he was running, drugging, lying, stealing. he was 18, I threw him out and his dad would let him in while I was at work. GRRRR then I threw his dad out and they both lived with mother in law for a while. no one would work. her problem.

I filed for divorce. my son continued his dangerous life and it would take me a week to write it all here. but I slept at night. ant still cannot manage money and still sleeps around with underage women, and provides liquor to them.

but not in my house.

I sleep when my head hits the pillow. my ex lives on a psychiatric disability in a trailer in a small trailer court. he has no responsibility. he doesnt even talk to my sons.

I am not responsible for ant and cannot control him still. he is 24. if when he was 17, my mother in law and ant's dad would have stood by me, maybe ant could have avoided two yrs in adult prison...I dont know. she is dead now and cannot enable anymore.

detach. read the boundaries book by townsend and cloud. if you love wife then let her do her thing. if she complains she cannot handle her son, tell her you hope they work it out amongst themselves...then go sit on the porch and watch the bunnies. back out of it. you tried your way and no one listened. let them have a go at it and see if he gets better or not.

giving up doesnt mean you dont love either of them it means you love yourself enough to take a break before you die from it.


Active Member
ant's last psychiatrist told me if ant would not listen--- to ignore him.
lock the door if he misses curfew and leave a sleeping bag on the porch.
dont answer the phone after you are tucked in for the night.
let his life lead him where it may.


Active Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mikey</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I even threatened to call Juvie on McWeedy and have him committed against his will - and had every intention of dragging his butt to the docs, have him drug tested, and then lock him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) if he dropped dirty.
Again ... "threatened" ... but no action. Your son knows it, Mikey.

What could you have done differently? I guess my only answer would be that perhaps you should have shared your three-pronged approach (giving your difficult child three choices of A, B or C which he was supposed to choose this past weekend) with your wife instead of us, as she obviously didn't know about it, and therefore, there will be no follow through and your difficult child once again knows that your threats are meaningless.



Well-Known Member
This may sound harsh, but it is not intended to sound that way.
You are trying to force difficult child to get control of his life and leave
the influence of his difficult child friends. Meanwhile you have lost control of your life and you have given control away to difficult child and
his difficult child friends.

You must lead by example. Your example has to be one where YOU
are choosing how your life and your family life will be in a healthy way. By example you have to demonstrate that you respect
your wife and are willing to let her take the drivers seat.

Most of us have been there done that. It is NOT easy. You CAN do it. It is
very very hard to just lock the door and go to bed. Chances are
you will not sleep soundly...in fact, you may not sleep at all.
Don't share your anxiety or your fears with your wife. She knows. She loves your son. She can decide whether to call him
or not. She can decide whether to unlock the door or not. She
can decide no cell phone or car..or not.

Chances are if you grew up in NOLA and surrounds, you know how
to pray. Slowly and thoughtfully learn to repeat the Serenity
Prayer. It will ease your burden.

You can vent and talk and share here 24/7. You can start jogging or walking or swimming or slamming a tennis ball in lieu
of stewing and voicing your concerns at home.

You can do it. You are a mature adult. Climb out of the mire.
Make your life happy and set an example of what a happy, healthy
and substance free male should be. DDD


New Member
Hi Mikey,

Believe me when I say I feel your pain. My husband and I have been going through this hot cold thing for years now. Sometimes I don't know which is more stressful, the bad choices my difficult child makes or the hostile atmosphere I have come to expect when I come through the door most of the time. It has gotten so bad, I just don't want to come home. All I want is some peace in my family and to have a family left when all is said and done.

Our difficult child has come so very far we both hate to turn her out at this point because we both know it would be a bad idea. The things we are struggling with right now are the small things. Regardless of all the progress she has made she is still a difficult child. husband can't tolerate the little things. He is the type that wants to control everything around him and is stubborn to the bone. She is exactly like him. That's the problem.

difficult child is very intelligent with very immature thinking skills. She means well but still just doesn't get it. She is about four years behind her peer group. She still makes some very bad choices. Most of her bad choices revolve around being responsible. When it comes to her job she is but anything else...

You still have a long way to go with your son and loving a child and trying to keep them on the right track can sometimes seem impossible. It's hard, your torn. You know what you should do but when it's time to do it you find yourself not able to do what you need to do and instead try to fix them yet again.

It seems like my husband and I constantly bounce this ball back and forth. Right now the ball is in his court. We have come to a point with our daughter to where we do do what we can live with. Not so much her but us. If we can't sleep at night or get through the day because of the stress and worry for the well-being of our difficult child we try to eliminate it. She is here at home with us for this reason. It's about 50/50 what the day will bring.

The struggle right now is trying to help her learn to be independent and not completely ruin her life at the same time. Right now if she left she would sink. She just has no clue. She knows what she needs to do but at the same time can't seem to follow through. I'm sure our methods of dealing with her would not be very popular to most parents but we can sleep at night. If you knew our background like some here do, you'd know what I mean by that.

We are a family of three. To lose even one part of it would be devastating to all of us. I could go on and on about the changes our family has gone through but that would mean another chapter and this one is long enough lol.

I hope you and your wife can get to a place where you can work things out in a way that you can both live with. husband and I are still trying to get to that place. Tonight he lays down the law again to difficult child. She may be out the door. Can we live with this? We shall see.

Hope things get better for you



Active Member
just another thought:

when my dad said something, he was boss. I dont know how we today as parents got so afraid to be parents. ant still thinks I am so strict.
Mikey Mikey Mikey Mikey MIKEY...

You grounded him from his car, but let him keep it for work. And threatened to take his phone away. THREATENED. After calling him for hours and justifying not turning his phone off because he finally answered his phone.

Would YOU take you seriously?


New Member
Until you and wife get on the same page, this is not going to work. You need to tell wife that the two of you need to talk and decide together what you are going to do.

My husband and I were in your shoes not to long ago. It wasn't until we got into serious counseling and really got onto the same page, I started attending alanon and really learned how to detatch, did we get anywhere with difficult child. If the two of you cannot get together on this it will split the two of you up and difficult child will still be running around disrespecting everything you tell him.

A few weeks ago when difficult child was in VT with us he brought along his step work. He went out quad riding with husband and I took a peek at his work. He had a journal with him and I started reading about how he felt each family member, friend etc. contributed to his addiction and when it came to me it was all about how I used to enable him for years and never followed through on any kind of punishment when he did something wrong. At first it really bothered me, but then I realized he was totally right. It also made me realize that the best thing I ever did was stop enabling and detatch. I have faced the facts of how I contributed to his addiction, but I'm o.k. with it because I have changed and I know what I'm doing now is contributing to his staying clean and living a happy healthy life.