Ultimatum Given, now Trepidation....

[Big Bad Kitty]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Yes and no. Been to several meetings with different groups, and heard the same things there that I hear on CD. I know you folks better, so I don't see the need to attend regularly. wife won't go at all - won't even think about it, nor will she allow me to bring any of the other kids with me. </div></div>

See, now that is an issue.

First of all, an NA meeting is good, but those are there for the addict to attend. You will get much more out of a Nar-anon (actually an Al-anon). Those are for the families of the addict. There you meet other families dealing with the same problems. And it is there for the entire family to deal with the addict in the family, because it is a FAMILY DISEASE. It affects the entire family (does it not?). wife is not doing your son any favors by pretending that there is no problem. But whether you can talk her into going or not, you really need to go. While talking to us online is nice, there is really no substitute for a meeting in real life.

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Big Bad Kitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> First of all, an NA meeting is good, but those are there for the addict to attend. You will get much more out of a Nar-anon (actually an Al-anon). </div></div>

BBK, that's what I meant, and that's what I thought NA meant in the original post. I went to two different Nar-Anon meetings in the area after I couldn't convince the Doobster to go to an NA meeting. Sorry for the confusion.

And, as I've related in the past, I didn't really like the tone of those meetings. Maybe now that I'm further down the path, my perceptions would be different. I might give it another shot.

Mikey

 

[PonyGirl]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> He's been given 'till the end of the month to catch up. Otherwise whatever he's behind on get's "repo'ed" until the money is paid.</div></div>
Mikey, here's your mission should you choose to accept it: :blush:
The end of the month is 2 weeks away. Between now and then, give difficult child one reminder. You may want to give wife several reminders :grin:, but difficult child should only get one.

Please God follow through if he hasn't made any payments by Tuesday July 31.

REPO the car and phone. If he chooses to react to those consequences by quitting his job, whatever. HIS choice!! Something has to hurt him and nothing you SAY will have any effect.

Ah, I am now reminded of our past-moderator Fran's wise words:
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Do to Get </div></div>

She also gave a bit longer version of this verse:
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you've always got </div></div>

If nothihng changes, then nothing changes.

As far as Meetings are concerned, I personally do attend weekly AA and NA meetings. I don't always like what I hear there, either, so don't feel like the lone ranger. Take what you want, leave the rest.

Peace

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Very similar to PonyGirl's quote:

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you've always got </div></div>

is "the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different outcome".


I like PonyGirl's mission that she assigned you. It will self destruct in 5 seconds.

I'm gonna grab Tink's pom-poms and cheer you on as you do this.
:dance:

 

[Sunlight]

http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...der-kids-scenarios-solutions.2364/#post-22685

 

[Ronni]

Hi Mikey,
I've been following your story with your son, and I too can see so much of myself in you, and all that you are trying to do for your son. I was just talking about my son the other night with a group of women online, and one shouted at me, WHO'S THE PARENT? More than likely, she has a wonderful compliant perfect child, and doesn't have a clue as to what I'm going through with my kid.
Just wanted to send you a note to let you know that I appreciate your sharing all that you're going through, because it helps me to look at my own situation with a little more objectivity.
My son pretty much runs the show around here, stays up all night on my laptop or his Xbox, sleeps a good portion of the day, heads out and gets stoned with his friends, and comes home, usually with one or two of them, and does the same thing all over again.
I can't offer you any advice, because I have much to work on in my own situation before I can even begin to offer advice to anybody else. I sympathize with you in your situation with your wife. I do agree that it helps to create a united front in dealing with these kids. In my situation, I often feel like I am fighting a losing battle because my husband also likes to indulge in the herb, as well as binge drink at times. He feels justified in this saying, that I should look at his age compared to my son's age. I told him that yeah, I would expect a 15 yr. old to smoke pot, not a 49 yr. old. He thinks just because he's working that everything's OK. He hangs out with some other middle-aged juvenile minded guys like himself, so doesn't see anything wrong with his "occasional" usage. I realize I'm probably dealing with an addiction here, and have started attending al-anon meetings in town. They've helped me to deal with the stuff with my son as well. The biggest thing is that I can't control either one of them, as much as I'd like to.
So I'm kinda fighting this battle with my son on my own too. It's really hard. I myself am in recovery for alcoholism, sober now for 4.5 years, and I've had to learn that I have to sometimes put myself and my own well-being first, cause if I don't, if I start drinking again, lose my sobriety, or sanity for that matter, it won't help my son in the least. So I do the best I can with what I've got, and put alot in God's hands.
I just have to respond to the gay term. Funny how the meaning of that word has changed over the years. My son uses it in sentences to mean stupid or dumb, such as "school is so gay". I guess I could respond with "that was a gay thing to say" or "if you don't get an education, you'll be the gay one", but in my mind, gay still means homosexual. My Mom reminded me that in her day, gay mean't happy. I wonder where the new definition of the word started, cause it sure seems to be country wide.
Hang in there Mikey. I'm rooting for ya.

 

[TYLERFAN]

Mikey:

The reason I asked about NA specifically is so that you can go there and hear the addicts and their stories. NarcAnon is where you should be going with wife.....but I wanted to make it clear why I suggested an NA meeting...you will hear from the "horses mouth" how bad addicts can let things get in their lives and what "they" perceive we do right and wrong to "help" them......it's a view from "them". It went along way for me to hear exactly how the addict feels as opposed to how I feel and also they tell about the measures their friends and family went to, to help them and why those things didn't work at the time.
It's a bird's eye view. Do it if you can.


Blessings,
Melissa

 

[Ephchap]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Big Bad Kitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Very similar to PonyGirl's quote:

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you've always got </div></div>

is "the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different outcome".
</div></div>

It seems this post and responses have come full circle. I posted that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results about 10 or so comments up ... so it seems we are all just rehashing the same thing.

Since the title of the post is, "Ultimatum Given ..." and that is now a moot point since the ultimatum was basically rescinded, I think it's time to end this post. Each of us telling Mikey he gave his difficult child an ultimatum and then didn't follow through has been said by everyone, and in every manner possible.

It just seems a bit counterproductive to keep commenting on something, when it's a moot point.

Just my .02.

Deb

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Since the title of the post is, "Ultimatum Given ..." and that is now a moot point since the ultimatum was basically rescinded, I think it's time to end this post.</div></div>

I agree. At this point, McWeedy is not fighting his grounding from his car or his revised curfew. He is answering his phone when we call, and he is talking to his boss today about more hours to catch up on the money he owes to us.

wife and I talked last night, and she agrees that he needs to "do the time for the crime" on this one, no exceptions from either of us. Also, I'm going to back off a bit and let her steer for a while. As a test run, went to dinner last night with wife, McWeedy and Weedette; first time in two weeks we've had any kind of conversation with more than 10 words without any yelling. Not getting my hopes up, but it was nice (for a change).

Ultimatum is still out there, but we deferred requiring McWeedy to make a decision pending his modifying his behaviors. Also, the medication study psychiatric has us scheduled for our first "family session" next week. After hearing the whole story they seem to think they have a real chance to help. Wants me to back off a bit to give them a chance to do their thing. wife wants that too, so I'll give in for a bit.

So, as long as McWeedy doesn't deliberately poke his finger in my eye, I'll back down and see where this goes - give wife and the docs some time to try something different. I can't honestly say that I won't go nuclear if he uses this chance to "prove and improve himself" to screws us over (again).

I don't think it will work - addicts are addicts, and won't change unless they want to. But at this point, this is the only viable option unless I want to go to war with wife and McW's docs, which I don't. As someone else said, though, I will put the spotlight on McWeedy's actions - set boundaries, follow through with consequences (like we are right now), and see where that leads. We're starting small, but we have to start somewhere....

But I'm still not throwing the nuclear option out. And if he's playing us along and screws us over again, I'll push McWeedy into treatment our out of our house, regardless of what wife and the docs say.

It's all I can do.

Mikey


PS: Okay, so where is that detachment 101 handbook?

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It's really hard. I myself am in recovery for alcoholism, sober now for 4.5 years, and I've had to learn that I have to sometimes put myself and my own well-being first, cause if I don't, if I start drinking again, lose my sobriety, or sanity for that matter, it won't help my son in the least.</div></div>

I hear you, Ronni. Been sober myself for over 12 years - until my trip to Orlando with McWeedy. Night of the 4th, I was so depressed , defeated, and alone that I actually went to the pool bar and had three frozen drinks. Luckily, nothing happened - never even felt it, but the intent was there. Wouldn't have happened if I was home, with someone to call for help. But depressed and on my own in "the happiest place on earth", I gave up and gave in.

It's a hard fight, and it's even worse when part of the fight is with yourself. I wish I had some sage words to share, but if you've been reading this thread, you know that we're both in the same boat. I guess we just keep rowing, try and heed the advice of those that have gone before, and try to keep our sanity and our health. It's all we've got, and if we lose those things we certainly aren't any good to anyone else.

Rowing upstream right beside you, my friend.

Mikey

 

[rejectedmom]

Mikey, I think you need to get yourself into counceling. You are in a no win position and it is driving to the breaking point. You talk about your anger and feeling like you are going to explode and how your blood pressure is rising. It is time to step back and start taking care of yourself. Nothing you are doing on the McWeedy frount is making one bit of difference in your situation. You have no support from the wife or the professionals that are supposedly dealing with your difficult child. It stinks but it is.

I can empathise. My son was drugging and abusing me daily for months. All I kept hearing was "hang in there just a litte bit longer" from his therapist. It took her months to see through my son. Then he started verbally abusing her and her eyes began to open but she still told me to "hang in there" while she looked for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I did and for what? My son got high on crack, stomped on me and broke my rib. When the cop came to the house he said to me "what did you do to him?" you see my difficult child had gotten into scrapes with the law before and had told them monster mom stories. As a matter of fact he had told so many lies about me trying to gain sympathy from neighbors my reputation was pretty much shot. Even so, I still tried to help him and spent a fortune on legal fees and got the judge to sign off on an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and for what? difficult child left after 2 months was charged with a parole violationa and is ow in prison for the last year. I was out 50K for my efforts.

I still work for him in the sence that I make sure he is not abused and try to facilitate his move to a gruop home and obtain mental health services. We still carry him on our health insurance since we can until he is 21. But I do nothing at the expense of myself anymore.

There is alot more to my story and if you are interested you could probably read some of my old posts. But the bottom line is I learned that 1.) I needed to listen to my gut and and act accordingly in spite of what the pros tell me. 2.) I needed to take care of me. first last and always. To do that I went into therapy for a little while after the attack. I came here for support and advice and I sought out non toxic people to spend my time with. 3.) When out with friends or family I set up rules about when the topic of my difficult child could be discussed... Those bundries became very firm and it was never allowed to infringe on my good times.

It was a long process. But it was a necessary one. The results of these self care tactics are many. I am starting to get my health back. I am doing things I enjoy. I am not loosing sleep over my son and the situation he put himself into anymore. I'm sure some might read me as being cold towards him but they have not been there done that.

Take care of you Mikey it is important. If you take yourself out of the equation maybe things will change and maybe not but YOU definately will. -RM

 

[DDD]

Deb, I think you idea to lock this one up is a good one. It's
been said, etc. etc. Fresh ideas. Fresh post. DDD