Unanswerable question

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Malika, Nov 29, 2011.


If you could, would you change your difficult child for someone else?

Poll closed Dec 9, 2011.
  1. Yes

    4 vote(s)
  2. No

    12 vote(s)
  3. Don't know

    5 vote(s)
  1. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    If you could, would you change your difficult child for someone else? I know that seems like a really horrible question but I ask it because it suddenly occurs to me that, for all his difficulties and problematic behaviour, I would not change my son for anyone else. Seemed like quite an important realisation...
  2. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    I think, to be honest, we all wish our difficult children were "better" which I guess makes them different. I love Carson's core personality. But I wish he was... normal. I know he is normal on the inside... but I wish he was normal on the outside so everyone else would love him like I do.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    That is exactly how I feel. When difficult child is well behaved he's really a fantastic kid. When he's in full on difficult child mode? That is a completely different story and I would gladly send him away in those moments.

    Would I trade him? It depends on whether or not I know what I'm getting in return. If I'm getting a normal kid, I might (depending on the day). If I'm getting another difficult child, probably not because what I get might be worse that what I've already got.
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Lol, Bunny, you can't get more honest than that :)
    I suppose I just got some funny, twisted insight as I was staring out at the surrounding countryside from my work desk that really... I am still struggling and fighting somewhere (it's natural) with the way my boy is. And it is rather pointless and not helpful because this is the way he is... and if I can accept that, I will be better at finding the best solutions for dealing with him and for getting help for him. If I stop rejecting the gfgness, we will both be happier. But it's a process and not an easy one.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I found learning to accept Travis for who he is was the most important lesson of all concerning difficult children. I spent his entire life trying to help and "fix" him, and before teenhood strive as close to "normal" as we could get. That can be a hard thing to just shut off, actually it is a hard thing to just shut off. Once we'd gone through the lord knows how many specialists and tried the wide variety of treatments, suggestions ect.........and I'm looking at my son in his teen years and he's basically the same child he's always been and has gotten worse instead of better (the consistent vision loss and stroke at 18 and polycythemia diagnosis).....that was like being hit over the head by a train. That "I can't fix him" nearly did me in for a while. Then on a particularly bad day of that, I realized that Travis is who he is, and that too is ok. He didn't chose his disabilities or his dxes. He does the best he can with what God has given him. Yeah, the gfgness can really wear on a person at times, but overall, he's a d@mn good kid with a heart of pure gold.

    He was about 16-18 when this hit me. I mean really hit me. And I stopped trying to make him "normal" and shifted gears to help him be the best person he could be within his limitations. I don't regret those years pushing him with the high goal of 'normal" because it gave him something to strive for and pushed him to keep trying above and beyond what others believed he could do. (including docs) I know if I hadn't treated him via rules and expectations growing up like a normal kid he wouldn't be functioning as well as he does as an adult. But with acceptance came peace. And I've learned to enjoy him completely for the person he is, which is a pretty great person.

    It also helped with Nichole because she was just entering her major decent into gfgdom at this time. This insight let me view her difficult child behaviors apart from the person she is. It let me focus on those behaviors without it affecting my relationship with her. Which is huge because otherwise I don't think that would've been possible. She was very actively pushing away those who loved and cared about her and if often got ugly. I often wonder if I'd have been able to help Nichole as much as I did without that AHA! moment with Travis.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If I knew then, what I know now, I think I would have let difficult child be adopted from the foster care system. I felt that keeping her and her little sister together was the most important thing. Little did I know that 7years later, she would be making life a living hell for little sis and us. I think she would be a great only child... we get along well if she doesn't have any one else to deal with. The week that little sis is away at church camp is like living with a different child.

    I hope she grows out of it - but from talking to their maternal grandparents, this is the age when bio mom started having trouble and ended up on drugs and living who knows where. KSM
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I feel similar to what Lisa said. I think learning a certain level of acceptance was an important lesson for me to learn. Trying to bend difficult child (or anyone for that matter) to my will was useless, not to mention frustrating.

    Also, although many times it was two steps forward and one step back, whenever she made one more small stride, I felt such joy and relief, that it almost, dare I say it, felt worth the struggle.

    I learned all about advocacy and was forced to play in an arena that I never had before (school admin, etc.).

    And lastly, raising a difficult child forced me to stop and think more than I would have I believe. It also forced me to look at ME and my upbringing more closely. I can't say that was a bad thing all around.

    Do I wish it were easier at times and would I love to delete certain portions of our experiences with difficult child? Absolutely. But I wouldn't want to change her out for a different kid. Despite her difficult child-ness, she was/is a joy and a lovely human being that I'm happy and proud to say I helped make.
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Well, if I can't be honest about it here, where on Earth can I be honest about it? LOL!!
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sort of. I like his looks, his physique, his voice, his sense of humor, his sports ability ... but I do not like his disrespectfulness and anger issues. Can't I just change some of him instead of replacing him entirely with-someone else?

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't trade Sonic, if only because I feel he was meant to be with us and that maybe somebody else would have mistreated him. But mostly, in spite of being autistic, he is the sweetest young man in the world. I had to vote "Yes" I'd pick him again. After all, we picked him the first time, knowing he had special needs. However...unlike many he is not a behavior problem and he does have a good heart. I see where everyone is coming from.
  11. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    SIGH ... HUGE, HUGE SIGH ...

    I have said to myself several times that I love difficult child but I do not like him.

    When I held him in my arms for the first time, it was the most incredible feeling (cliche, I know) I love, love, love this kid but he is not very likable.

    No, is my answer. I feel like he was given to us for a reason ... (cliche again)
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Right now, I would say I wouldn't want to change difficult child for someone else... I'd just want to leave her some place where she would be happy.

    Sad... but today that is how I would answer. I can't answer the poll - as that isn't an option! KSM
  13. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    If I had a child with some major physical handicap, would I wish that child had that handicap because it made him or her and the rest of the family "better" people? No, I would probably be doing all I could to see that medical research eliminated that handicap.

    My kids have real handicaps that I wish they didn't have and that make their lives (and mine) very difficult. I wish they didn't have those handicaps. They are not "better" people because of those handicaps.

    They are the children they are, didn't ask to be born with those handicaps, so yes, we do our best to love them, handicaps and all. Would I wish those handicaps on some other child? No.
  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Not on your life.

    difficult child's cocktail of disorders can make him darn near impossible to deal with sometimes. However, he is incredibly compassionate, caring and thoughtful, and has a heart full of love that he's willing to offer the world without reservation.

    Here are some of the gifts my difficult child has given me:
    1. A much better understanding of my own issues with the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) spectrum.
    2. The realization that the coping skills I'd developed for myself throughout my childhood and teen years are a gift that I can pass on to him and my other Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) children.
    3. The understanding to recognize Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) signs in my 3 youngest children far earlier than I would have otherwise seen them, and start interventions immediately.
    4. Patience. Sometimes less than I need, but the well is getting deeper.

    My difficult child is a gift and a joy (and many times a royal PITA), but I wouldn't trade him for anyone.

  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    No way. I love him and would only want him. And I don't think I would have learned as much about life and people as I have without him.
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wouldn't trade. For all the difficulty difficult child has put us through and it's been a lot (violence and everything) I wouldn't trade.

    When he isn't in full difficult child mood he is one of the most compassionate and empathetic child. He really wants to do well (again when he can stop and think). Also he has an incredible sense of humor.

    Many days I don't like difficult child but it really is true that the love is always there (even though some days I have to dig deeper than others).
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow - this post just made me cry.

    First of all, I find it touching that no one "voted" - because none of us are that cut or dry in our thinking. Second of all, what every one of you said is how I feel about Matt.

    I mean, he is mine. My son. If I could go back and change him, I might, just so he would be happier. But I would never exchange him for a newer, better model. He is who is he is - and there are so many things I adore about him.

    The sad thing is that he asks me all the time if I had it to do over again, would I get pregnant with him again. It pinches my soul every time he asks that. Truthfully if I had it to do all over again, I would not have children. I see all the pain Matt has gone through, and if I had it to do over again, I would not bring any person into this world who could be subject to abusers, mental illness, bullying, etc. But do I regret having Matt? No. Never. He is MY kid - to always be loved and cherished. It's really hard to explain, and for some reason it has be sorta choked up. It just is what it is - no regrets.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    that maybe somebody else would have mistreated him.

    Absolutely, MWM. My husband and I have talked about this many times. difficult child would be dead, in jail, or on the street if anyone else had him.
  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Had you asked me this during the bad times? I might very well have voted differently.

    But now? No. Miss KT has become a (mostly) delightful young lady who is responsible, hard working, and has a great sense of humor.
  20. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    What pepperidge said.

    But, if I knew then what I know now.... I don't know. Let me get out of the teen years and then I'll get back to you.