Uncertain future but handling things......

[Hound dog]

If I repeat myself in these post I'm sorry, my short term memory is pretty much non existent the past couple of days.

I *thought* I slept last night, but Travis said I had a running commentary going all night long........so evidently I've taken up talking in my sleep. I laid down for a nap this afternoon......and he checked on me because he couldn't figure out who I was talking to. Guess that explains why I'm waking up more tired than when I lay down. If it continues I'll get in to the fam doctor and get something to help me sleep better. I know that without sleep I won't be able to hold up for long.

Today we went to Dayton to take care of the burial plot and it worked out ok. Not real close to his parents, but not far away either and husband and I will share a plot the same as his parents did. The grandchildren will pick out a pretty ornamental flowering tree and plant it at the site, a symbol to them that life continues on. It will be papa's tree and solved the problem of where to plant it that they would always be able to go back and visit it if they wished. A way to include them in the process.

I spoke with sister in law, and indeed husband's bro is not dealing with it well. But we both feel he needs to come and say goodbye so tentative plans are for the memorial to be the 1st of Oct, she'll call me in a day or two to finalize it. And I found something for him that his mother made up for his father when he passed that as his namesake I think he would like to have, a memorial book of some type. Nichole took one of the laminated plaque like things from it for baby Oliver to have and said she'd like her uncle to have the actual book if he would like that. And I'd honestly like to give it to him in person instead of sending it in the mail.

From the look of finances, after going through the bulk of paperwork, I'm pretty much scr*wed if the house insurance isn't set up to pay off the balance owed. Even having that taken care of, surviving is going to be a real challenge financially. But then, I suppose I'm basically used to that. It just was really hard to let easy child see how bad off we've been that way for so many years.

Katie is dealing with a mountain of guilt. And honestly I can't really help her with that except to tell her that her dad loved her regardless. She really broke his heart when she up and took off all those years ago, and he never really got over it. Even with her being here again.......well, he just wouldn't open himself back up to being hurt like that again and she just didn't try very hard either. And now he's gone and she will never have the chance to be close to him.

It may sound cruel but after the viewing I told her to go home and call her mother. The woman she left helpless in Mo.......who has no one but katie. I know she called her because biomom had a message for me. But I think she missed the point. Maybe it will hit her over the head before this is all over. That still is a very sore spot with me, and will be until she behaves appropriately concerning her mom.

And something is wrong with Molly. Not sure what it is, maybe it's just old age. But last night she had to go out repeatedly and then this morning I couldn't get her out fast enough.....let the dogs stay in while we were gone because it was supposed to rain......and came home to a big accident in front of the door. Molly hasn't had an accident since puppyhood and last night I noticed she didn't finish all of her food.......and that is totally not Molly. She's not acting sick per se. But I'll have to watch her.

It's still hitting me in odd moments. But I know it will continue to do that. To be honest, to some extent I'm enjoying the memories that are flooding my mind. Moments that I have not thought about in many many years some of them.......remembering happy times mostly, the rest really doesn't matter anymore. I woke up from my nap this afternoon and I thought for a moment he was holding my hand. All our years together that was a thing we did, we always held hands. It made me smile.

 

[crazymama30]

hugs Lisa, and I am glad you have the good memories, the holding hands thing is very sweet, in my humble opinion. It is one thing S2BX would never do, and that always hurt and bothered me.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Lisa -
Molly might just be grieving, too. Pets know more than we think, and sometimes react in ways we don't expect.

The sleep-talking thing? Doesn't mean you aren't getting quality sleep... it means your subconsious is processing away, and this is just a side-effect. As long as hearing yourself talk isn't waking you up... and as they say, "as long as you're not talking back to yourself".

Its still... one day at a time.
You're still in our thoughts.

 

[HaoZi]

It does sound like Molly is pining, grieving, etc. She'll need extra love and support just like you.

 

[hearts and roses]

Hugs, Lisa, the hand holding made me smile also. That's something my H doesn't like to do, though it would mean everything to me if he did. I'm glad you're having sweet memories. Molly is definitely grieving. Maybe she can sleep with you? Lean on her and allow her to lean on you-she feels the upset in the house, there's been a shift and animals are very open to that. Poor sweetie. I feel bad for H's brother, and Katie also.

 

[ML]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have you and family in my prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

We're here to "listen."

Sounds like normal grieving. I also smiled at the hand holding memory. Nobody can ever take away a memory.

Agree that Molly *knows* and also misses him. Maybe you can help one another. (((Hugs)))

 

[InsaneCdn]

You could try giving Molly one of his old t-shirts to snuggle up to...

 

[Liahona]

The hardest part (to me) of getting money straight is having the courage to look at it in the first place. It'll get better with time and work. I'm glad you can remember the good things. Would it help to write them down? That was so sweet about the hand holding. Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[KTMom91]

I'm glad you have the hand holding to look back on; hope you have many more sweet memories come back to you. Hugs, Lisa.

 

[DammitJanet]

Lisa....the money stuff can wait actually. As long as you got what you could get out before they close his accounts and you have all his retirement money in your hot little hands, well...everything else is picky stuff. Your vehicles will all have to be tagged only in your name. Its easy...just make sure you get plenty of death certificates from the funeral home at the time so you dont have to chase them down later. You might wanna think about apply for disability for yourself when the dust settles because I dont think you are going to find work and your kidney disease is bad. You need medical care.

If worse comes to worse, I would see about having Nicole move back home to help out with the bills. From what I remember the house is big enough to do that.

 

[pepperidge]

I'm glad there are good memories coming to you. My heart goes out to you. The logistics are overwhelming. Don't listen to anyone who tells you what you should be feeling or on what timetable.

 

[HaoZi]

Janet's right, and in the meantime you likely already have a decent stockpile to live off of for a while. If you absolutely need something, let your couponing prodigy daughter go find it for you if it's not something one of us in a reasonable distance can send you.

 

[DDD]

Sounds like things are progressing for you. Having the plans set will allow you to do the emotional greiving that is necessary. I would guess that talking in your sleep is likely a good way to review your inner thoughts and probably theapeutic. Based on your description of Molly's behavior during the crisis I would also suspect that it is her emotional reaction to the change in household and her loss. My sister and I react to extreme stress with those symptoms too.

Regarding finances, I'm sorry that is a real concern. It is one of my real fears for the future due to some poor choices husband has made. on the other hand I am sure that once a little time passes you will be able to figure out what you need to do and will have the strength to do it. You are a strong woman! Hugs. DDD

 

[AnnieO]

Oh, sweetie... Huge, gentle hugs.

Our animals were *confused* when O left. Dog still likes to sleep in her bedroom, though he's seen her a couple of times so it's not as much as it was... Though they were used to the kids (J mostly) leaving for several days, then returning. Still, pets understand so much more than we want to give them credit for. You mentioned before that Molly did not make a peep on Monday morning... She's processing, grieving, too. A t-shirt of his is a wonderful idea - just for her. As a side note - when my grandpa passed - it was just me and my cats (Weasel and Possum), neither of whom had ever met him - but they were a wonderful comfort to me.

I hope the house insurance takes care of things. But whether it does or not, I think you do need to file for disability. No, it won't be easy - and I will reiterate what others have said, we will help you too. I know it really tears at your pride... But that's what family is for. We love you.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I know a lot of people don't believe loved ones can visit us after they have passed, but I believe, and so I think he may have really been holding your hand hon. He will always be there to watch over you....
I, too, am praying the house insurance takes care of the rest. Can you believe I have no idea if ours would do that or not?? I think I better find out.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Good morning, Lisa...
Hoping you had a better rest last night.

 

[DammitJanet]

Lisa, we had a dog named Heidi that was basically Jamie's dog. She considered Jamie her puppy from the time she came into our house even though she was a puppy and he was 11. When he left for the Marines, she basically wandered around in a daze and was never the same. About a year after that she simply walked into the woods and never came back. Tony found her huddled up under a fort Jamie had built in the woods when he was a kid. We always say she died of a broken heart because her boy left home.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

The finances will work out - they always do. Filing for disability seems like it would be a very good thing for you. In addition to the kidney problems, you also have all the problems from the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Those count and will weigh in on the decision about disability.

I know our loved ones can come visit us. I have seen my grandfather checking out my parents' home when I was teen and we had just moved in. I also saw him holding my grandma's hand the night before she went to the hospital the last time. He woke us up the morning of her funeral by rattling the hangers in the closet at my Gma's house - same way he woke my dad every morning of his life. So I KNOW husband was holding your hand. He will continue to watch over you in many ways. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. Sending lots of hugs and prayers.

 

[AnnieO]

As others have stated... My Grandpa was standing with me when I briefed a group of Marines on my Grandma's last birthday. He and Grandma both attended my wedding to husband. It would not surprise me at all that your husband was there... And will be, at what might seems like odd times.