Up, down, I am like a merry-go-round! You too?

[BusynMember1]

Good days follow a bad day. Today is sadder. Mothers Day coming reminds me of Kay. She is missing. I read once that Mothers Day has the highest suicide rate of all days. Sad.

Also I did write Kay a short, but kind and to the point loving letter. I even read it to my other daughter to ask if it was in any way offensive or too pathetic sounding or made promises I can' t keep.

My other daughter said it was perfect and then told me not to contact Kay again. She said to let this letter, which she feels could not be better, be my last attempt to communicate with her. She told me to let Kay handle it how she must. The ball is in Kay's court. I know she isn't happy with Kay now, but she was trying hard to support ME which I appreciate. My husband said the same. Love them.

I went to Al Anon last night but yesterday was a good day so I didn't get as much out of the meeting as I had on the bad days i had gone. I know. Makes no sense.

I think today is worse because Kay would get the letter today and I figured she would call right.away if that was in her plan. So I am more anxious but not in fetal position. So this is good I guess. Sort of. I could cry a little if I let myself. I don't want to go there right now. Done enough of that and don't want to give in now.

Honestly I wonder if this is how those with severe bipolar feel with their moods. Like they are emotionally on a carousal. I have been depressed but nothing like this crazy up/down bouncing.

I did have a therapy appointment today and that helped. I need to learn to love myself and I am not sure how. Anyone succeed in this? I like myself, I guess. Sometimes. How do you love yourself? I love my husband, kids, pets and of course God. But ME?

Take care.

 

[RN0441]

Good that you got the letter done and it down on paper and hopefully that will give you some closure...I hate to use that word...but for now. I would try to move on mentally if you can. Give yourself some time each day to grieve, feel sad. cry, feel mad, or whatever the case may be and then spend the rest of the day thinking positive thoughts and doing positive things. That is what I did and it helps tremendously.

Yes I do love myself now and when you are dealing with troubled adult children (whether it be drugs like I did or whatever) I think it makes you question everything in your life and every decision you have every made. At least it did for me. Wondering if somehow you/me created this outcome. I sure did.

Through therapy I learned self-compassion and it did not happen overnight, believe me. It took a few years of therapy and soul searching to get to where I am now and I actually can say that I really do like myself. A lot. I continue to strive to be a better person and I encourage my son and loved ones to do the same.

 

[BusynMember1]

Thats encouraging RN. Thanks.

 

[Blindsided]

I would never describe myself as depressed until my 40 year old daughter spiraled out of control. She is now homeless and couch hoping because she can't maintain relationships with men anymore. She has made it clear all she has is her vodka, adderall and xanax. She hasn't worked for 15 years, but blames me for every poor choice she ever made. I had to learn the difference between helping and enabling the hard way. I hate that I have had to become protective in an effort to survive.

Today, Mother's Day, is very difficult, but I remember the smile that came to my face when I opened an edibles package from my son and his wife. I know my survival depends on focusing on the others that light me up. As a nurse, I have always been a care taker, so it's hard for me to understand why my daughter resists my advice to get the help she needs. She is so abusive towards me and tells such scandalous lies about all of us who have tried to help her get on her feet, something she refuses to appreciate or do. I have set boundaries over and over again to no avail. I reach out, because I can't stand not knowing if she is even alive (she lives far away so she can get Medicaid, she has had toxic mold poisoning and her liver is failing from alcohol, but she is also delusional about her health thinking she has things she does not).

I have learned I must be ready to accept that I will not get the response I would like to have when I reach out. I let her know I will support her sobriety, but that didn't go well. I have addressed how she must feel and she will circle around for a bit, then turn into a tornado of delusions. I recently sent her a message that if she couldn't respond kindly, don't, because I can't handle the stress caused by her behavior anymore. I tried to let her know if she couldn't respect my boundaries, she wouldn't be hearing from me in the future. And, I told her that is MY choice, just like she has a choice to get help, or not. I haven't heard a word back. At least she is respecting my boundaries. I have thought about sending her a thank you message for respecting my boundaries and telling her I love her.

I get the temptation to stay in touch, but I can tell you my husband and other children are on the same page as yours. It's difficult for them to see us waste away. So, I remind myself, I can hardly ask someone else to make healthy choices if I am not willing to do the same. Though today is painful, I can't bask in it all day. Time to celebrate the many gifts in my life that are present today. I wish you the same.