Update from Kauai

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's been awhile since I've had the energy and the clarity to post, this last few months have been lived at warp speed.

    Ok, my daughter, oy.........she did not show up on time for a mandatory probation requirement, literally minutes late. The system is black and white, no show = warrant out for your arrest. All the good upward movement she had gained, finding jobs, getting herself a nice place to live, fixing her car........all disappeared in one fell swoop.

    I heard about it when I was taking a walk on a beach on a Friday a month or so ago. I allowed it to devastate me. I perceived it from my own reality base, which was, now all of that gain is ruined, ruined by a mistake that shouldn't have happened. I put myself in her shoes and felt the remarkable defeat and fear I would feel. I did that for a number of days.

    Then I met with her to give her her mail. We met in a parking lot since she is now wanted by the police and she didn't want to come to my house. She was crying. She grabbed onto me and just sobbed. I held on and didn't say anything but "I am so sorry." She had lost weight. She was scared. She said she was going to finish up some things she had to do and then turn herself in.

    She then came to my house at night one night and removed all of her things from my garage and moved them in to her own new storage unit. I had asked her to do this since we were moving. She also removed all of her stuff from my husband's storage unit which we had also asked her to do as well. Now all of her stuff is at last contained in one storage unit rather then all over the place. She fulfilled my requests. She was determined to do what I had asked her and I appreciated that she acted on it so quickly.

    She has moved in with another friend, the roommates asked her to leave due to the warrant. She continues to work with the reasoning that she needs to make money to pay for her storage unit while she is incarcerated. I do not know any more then that.

    I went through more stuff around this new wrinkle. I saw how I perceived it all through my own lens and reacted how I would react if it were happening to me. I realized that is not how SHE feels, it is how I feel. I let go of judging her and the choices she makes. I realized I have no idea how she makes choices and my judgements were in fact hurting me. I just accepted this and I learned to let it go. It was an interesting process for me to look at it this way. A gentleness and softness towards my daughter developed and she seems to have moved in to her own life now without my continuing assessment of her life through my eyes. There is a new level of separation between she and I. It feels a lot better to me. I text her how much I love her and want her to be safe. The lack of judgment seems to have solidified a new connection somehow. We're only at the beginning so I don't know anymore then that.

    She'll turn herself in or be caught or whatever, but it is her choice. I'll be there for her when whatever happens happens. I'll always be there. Just not enmeshed in her life like I had been.

    So, we moved. It was a tough one. We bought a house in an over 55 homeowners association in a new town. I love the house but have not quite landed in it yet. I lived in the old town for 32 years and loved it, so it is a lot to get used to.

    I turned 65 in the middle of it. The first age of my entire life which had some bumps in it. I think being in a community of older people drove that point home in a new way.

    My granddaughter left for college right before we moved. That turned out to be wonderful and at the same time, has left a feeling of emptiness I just didn't expect. The empty nest thing has had a profound impact on me. It's getting a little better as she has visited twice already, but her presence is so missed.

    I'm clearly in a life transition. It's a big one for me. We got married in July, we moved, I turned 65 and my "baby" left for college. Sigh.

    We arrived in Kauai yesterday, a sort of honeymoon, rest, vacation, get away from it all kind of thing. We're here for 2 weeks. I already feel better. I woke up this morning and told husband, "I feel like ME, for the first time in about 3 months." We're surrounded by tropical trees, flowers and plants.......the birds singing and the frogs croaking........it's very quiet and serene, just what I need right now to rest from the last couple of months of intense movement and change. I feel so nurtured here, it's my favorite place to be on the whole planet.

    I've been talking about this era of my life ending and a new chapter beginning........well here it is. It is all simultaneously a little bit weird and new and very exciting and fun too. I feel a level of freedom I haven't felt before. I feel lighter.

    Everyone is exactly where they should be, even my daughter. She seems to be able to recognize a lot of reasons in life to be grateful, perhaps anticipating losing your freedom will do that to you. Each text from her is filled with love and appreciation.

    Sometimes we humans have to go through so much in order to see what is right in front of us all along.

    I'm thinking about you all and as always, wishing everyone peace.

    I am especially thinking about you Cedar, and your recent issue with your son........I am holding you in my thoughts and sending you and your family all my love and prayers.

    I am drinking a chai latte, feeling that luscious balmy breeze and smelling the gardenias....I have my husband, I am loved,..............life is good..........
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Oh to be back on my vacation to Mexico! LOL You brought it all back. I am eminintly more at peace than I was 5 minutes ago (and Im at work!).

    Sorry to hear about your difficult child it is a shame that they often can't seem to get off the merry go round. I am glad to hear your granddaughter is doing well and that you and your new husband are happy. Enjoy the vacation you have earned it.
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  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Yes. A profound truth. My perceptions keep me stuck in the endless dance.
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  4. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    That's great RE. That's about how I feel with my son now. It's a far more peaceful place than before.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    How extraordinary that you should post to us from Hawaii!

    Makes me feel quite special.


    I am really thinking about the place we finally get to, before we are able to let go of judgment....

  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Aloha, RE! :)wink:)

    In just thinking about this, it occurs to me that this happens to us, we parents of difficult children, to PCs, to all people. By the skin of our teeth we miss the opportunity, the chance, the next great thing, the bus. If only we'd been there 5 minutes earlier...

    It's just with difficult children, the consequences seem so much more devastating to us (and sometimes to them) as their world is so very different from ours.

    It's her journey, as you well know, RE. Who knows what good thing will come from this?

    That doesn't take away the fear. That doesn't take away the sadness.

    I so get that. I love that you said: "allow". But even this, another round of devastation that we allow to enter our lives, even this helps us move forward, to a new place of being. We learn something else, yet again.

    Perfect words. You were so very sorry.

    That is the goal, the prize, the place I think we all would be better off getting to, somehow, someway. We would be free then.

    It sounds like you are there RE. I hope so, and I hope it lasts. But even if it doesn't, you'll discover a new level of acceptance at the right time for you.

    So cool and wonderful---two weeks in paradise.

    That is great. Your precious daughter just has to walk her own path. Whatever, however, no matter what.

    Yes, I believe this too. I really do. It is the single thought and belief that gets me through. Knowing at my core that all will be well. It is as it should be. God is in charge.

    Thank you for sharing this, RE. And I so hope you have the most wonderful time of your life in Hawaii.
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you all. It is so comforting to know you are all 'out there' somewhere.

    I was in search of a book to read here where we are staying and found a sequel to one I read years ago which I loved called Way of the Peaceful Warrior. This one is called Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior. It's funny how life hands you these little treasures, something you need to know right then. It is filled with quotes which have meaning for me now.

    Here are a couple which seem to pertain to the journey we here are taking....

    "Faith is the courage to live your life as if everything that happens does so for your highest good and learning. Like it or not."
    Mama Chia, a character in Sacred Journey

    I was thinking about hope and faith this morning........today, in this moment, it seems to me that hope is something we create about something we desire to have happen where as faith lets that go and allows life to happen. For me letting go of hope increased and solidified my faith.

    "God comforts the disturbed
    and disturbs the comfortable."

    This one made me smile..........I have been quite disturbed for quite awhile, it was nice to know it was God doing that and not me!

    "Free will does not mean that you establish the curriculum
    only that you can elect what you want
    to take at any given time."
    A Course in Miracles

    Sometimes with my daughter I felt as if I "elected" way more then I could actually handle. And, yet, there has always been guidance and support along the way if I chose to see it.

    "The important thing is this:
    To be ready at any moment
    to sacrifice what you are
    for what you could become."
    Charles Dubois

    Who I am right now is remarkably different then who I was just a mere 3 years ago when my life was turned upside down by the choices and behaviors of my daughter. I really get that word sacrifice too. There is a lot of sacrifice on this path of self discovery which is brought to us by our kids. It seems to me that it brings us to a sacred place within, a place where we learn acceptance of self, of others, of life. Letting go of so much which has been so precious to us leads us to a very different sphere...........a place we certainly wouldn't have voted to go to, but now that we're here, it turns out to have given many extraordinary gifts in being real, in being present, in being peaceful, in being compassionate.........

    "Enlightenment consists not merely
    in the seeing of luminous shapes and visions
    but in making the darkness visible.
    The latter procedure is more difficult
    and therefore, unpopular."
    Carl Jung

    Making the darkness visible. That is the pursuit of a lifetime. And, from where I sit now, I see that my daughter catapulted me through that darkness like nothing else has. Now I'm trying to find my footing as I grope around with more light to see. Still a little shaky from this journey, but a whole lot better then I was.