Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Lila256, Jan 13, 2018.

  1. Lila256

    Lila256 Member

    I haven't posted anything in quite a while because we were going through a particularly horrific period with all of this and it was difficult enough just keeping track of all of the court dates and details.

    Last I had posted, we were the impression that both of my stepson's parents were being accused of abandonment. Actually, it was only his father (my partner) that they were going after to try to force him to take his son back. In October, they dropped him off in our driveway and left, then tried legal threats, tried to force him to go through drug and alcohol treatment even though he has a legal prescription for medical marijuana and has never been accused by anyone of endangering his child for any reason just to have basic visitation with his child, etc. Even the attorney general wrote in an email that if we just agreed to take him back, all of these baseless threats would go away. Thankfully his assigned lawyer saw this for what it really was, and took them to trial over it. It is now settled, he is officially a ward of the state, and his father and I can have visitation with him at our (and his) discretion. It's still mindnumbing that they would even do this when it is beyond obvious that this child is a danger to himself and others. There was just no sympathy whatsoever, as long as they didn't have to do their job.

    Thank you so much to the other parents here we suggested we do a "parent report" to hand to the court during this process. The attorney was so glad that we had written up our observations and all of the interventions we had tried over the years to avoid getting to this place. I think it was a major part of what helped settle this whole issue, and has also been really useful to be able to hand to other people that are now involved in managing his care so that they understand the history of everything that has been tried.

    We also found out during all of this that he is additionally being charged with first-degree rape of a minor while in his mother's care. We didn't realize until we went to the initial court date for that that this little girl is three years old. I just started crying in court on that one. It's too much.

    He is now in a state facility that is specifically for kids that need a lot of treatment/services/supervision, at least for now. The state attorney that is prosecuting his four criminal charges at this point is not convinced that this facility is enough supervision for him (ironically), and I'm not convinced either. They say they have a high ratio of adults to children, and check on them at least every hour, but when I was there visiting for his birthday, it seemed far more like a chaotic dorm. He has gotten around every attempt at supervision anyone has ever tried, so I don't think they entirely understand what he is capable of and it scares me that he could hurt someone else. But, at least it is a step in the right direction.
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am glad he is no longer a threat to your children and you.

    My child who was locked in a treatment center for young sexual perpetratos got caught trying to touch a boy at the facility because of cameras. Hopefully they have cameras there and can give him tons of help. That behavior is not at all normal and is dangerous.

    Good for you for going to court.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Good Job!! You stood up for your rights and for what all of your children needed!! You forced the State to do what it really NEEDED to do! You also kept yourself from getting a civil lawsuit (potentially) if he had raped or molested someone else's child while under your care.

    I am so thankful that the Parent Report was helpful. It really is an incredibly powerful tool. So many times it just blows the experts out of the water when they think they know better than you do. Especially if they are not among the first 3 or 4 professionals you have seen!

    I hope they eventually figure out a way to help children who are this disturbed, and to keep them under lock and key when they become adults. Thank heavens right now your family isn't under threat from him.

    Thank you for letting us know how things have turned out so far. It is helpful to see what helped, so that when other parents come here we can give them the most effective advice.
  4. Lila256

    Lila256 Member

    Thank you. It all still feels like a whirlwind. Like I should be celebrating, but I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    And yes, it's really hard to argue that the parents haven't done enough or that the child just needs some basic talk therapy when you hand them five pages of interventions that have already been attempted (and that is just a list of resources and a sentence or two to describe it). It's a concrete compilation of the struggle that really pulls it together in a presentable way.

    I completely agree that the entire system really needs to figure out what to do with children like this. It was handled poorly by providers from beginning to end, and it did nothing but fail him and us. He has been involved with the psychiatric community, the legal community, and had high levels of support at a specialty school, and for the most part nobody really took his situation seriously. The police didn't even arrest him when he tried to kill his father. And now there are multiple victims that should never have been put in the place to be exposed to him without supervision. It is just beyond heartbreaking and disgusting to me.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The biggest problem, as I encountered it, is that no one really believes the parents when they say that their child is violent. They never seem to believe a word the parents say. It doesn't matter how bad we say the child is, the doctors seem to think we are not telling the truth or we are exaggerating. Of course when the child is only ever in a hospital for 1-2 nights and is good as gold, well, the doctors then don't believe the child has any real problem. In spite of the fact that all of the disturbed kids act this way.

    Putting it in writing seems to make it true. For some reason having it in print, as opposed to having it be handwritten on a form, makes it seem "official" and "truthful", as if it can suddenly be believed.

    I am sure your report, coupled with his incredibly severe charges, had a huge impact on the lawyers. If nothing else, they did NOT expect parents who were prepared to defend themselves and their other children against this disturbed child's potential abuse and the system's abuse.

    Now make sure you all get a reward because this takes a lot out of the entire family!!
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