update

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Aug 27, 2019.

  1. Just wanted to give an update on my son

    He ended up being offered the new job within the company and actually called us to discuss it. The $ wasn't much more and the overtime was limited. We gave our thoughts on it. Ended up that his current boss didn't want to lose him so he received a nice incentive to stay and his boss told him how highly his team thinks of him. So he stayed at the current position. He called us about 3 times over that and sent me texts about how happy he was. That he felt good about his decision to stay. My parents sent him a congrats card with $50 and we sent him a card with $50 in a visa gift card...
    We never got a thank you. My parents received a call 2 weeks later and they said how great he sounded and he thanked them so. We never received a text or call. I did send an email this past weekend asking if he received my card and I did get a reply that said yes, thanks.
    So I just don't get it. He called to discuss the job choices and seemed fine. Now it is back to no contact.
    I guess it is just the way this will be. I have to move on and stop dwelling on the no relationship. Maybe one day...
     
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    That's disappointing and sad when we feel like we are making headway in our relationship with an adult child, and then it seems to revert back to the former status .

    He did reply to your text, howver, and he did say thanks , so that's not having no contact. He did come to you when he needed some feedback for job situation and I think that's good that he reaches out to you and seems to value your opinion .

    I am not sure that I would have sent money. It is his achievement based on his job performance so far. I am not saying you did anything wrong and I know you were being supportive and genuinely happy , but maybe his experience of that was a little different.

    My Dad gave my brother and I some money a few years back and my brother's thank you seemed very reserved for my taste. I think he comes from the point of view that my Dad does not have to give him anything , ie that my brother can take care of himself.
     
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    You need to remember that your son's response to you is about him and his issues and not you. Yes, it is hard to remember how disturbed they are. I know it hurts. But they are not.in a place where they can be as loving as we wish. Oh, I feel your pain about these things, but I try to remember this. This is something that hurt us too. Never a sincere or timely thank you. Never a big hug and a "you are the best." Things we craved from the daughter we cherished and spent our lives trying to help. Things our other kids do just because they love us. We so want to have the same relationship with Kay. But Kat is in dark place and love is hard for her to feel and show, as is gratitude.

    I would not have sent money. Well, not anymore. Rewards did not work, and our therapist finally convinced us that a reward to adults for doing what adults do is demeaning. It took us a while to believe this, but we do get his point now. This is what we did when Kay was little and we had a rewards chart with stars on it that lead to a prize if she had a good week. It did not work then and works less now. At least for Kay.

    You are s loving parent. Your son is not in a place to show love back, but that is not about you
    Be well. God bless.
     
  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Busy wrote: [[[Rewards did not work, and our therapist finally convinced us that a reward to adults for doing whatadults do is demeaning.]]]

    Thank you, Busy, for confirming this. I have had this feeling about it, but it's nice to hear a therapist said the same thing. We did not get our son anything when he graduated with his Bachelor's because we figured his reward (that he worked for) was his degree. (And, we paid for school , so we already supported him).