Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by amstrong, Sep 13, 2007.

  1. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    difficult child came home on Tuesday and we laid down the law. Everything seemed ok until this morning when he got ready to go to work (first day back). If you remember, the boss had made arrangements for him to walk down to the store right at entrance to our subdivision and he could ride co truck in to his store. He called me this morning to say it was pouring down rain and he wasn't walking in the rain. He called the store near home to see if co truck was there and it was not and he said he told them to have the guy call him when he got there so he could see if the guy would ride around the corner (literally) and pick him up at the house. He was royally peeved that he might get wet. I told him that this was the way it was and would be until he got license restored and a car to drive. he then told me that he was just gonna find another job. He called me and told me he had another job working with a friend (one of the evil friends) and his grandfather setting telephone poles. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea since they do not work everyday, grandfather pays the friend under the table and there are no benefits. He said he didn't care. I told him I thought he should go in to work and think about it and if he isn't going to stay employed there, he owed it to his boss to tell him.

    He calls me later to say he was at evil friend's house and no he did not call his boss and wasn't going in. I tild him that he was being irresponsible and that he had to have a job. He got nasty, cussed me and I told him he was out-gor good. He is to come home at 6:30 at which time I will have his personal effects packed and I will collect his house key. I told him he could take his cell phone but if he does not make arrangements with husband in a day or so to make payments for the service, the phone would be turned off. He said he no longer wants to talk to me, he does not need me and that I pi$$ed him off.

    I will tell him the next time I talk to or see him, that he IS out for good and that I will expect him to pay the remainder of his debt to me and that once paid, I WILL NOT help him to obtain a car. I will inform him one time that he is responsible for making his probation fee payments and checking in with probation officer. I may call the probation officer and let her know that he no longer resides at our address and that she will have to contact him for an address.

    My heart is breaking but I was prepared for this. I can only let him go and pray that he will grow up into the loving, responsible, smart adult I know he can be.

    See y'all later,
  2. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I don't know why they need an excuse like "the rain" to give up on a good opportunity. I've seen this in my own sons in the past.

    Sounds like a very rough day for you and difficult child. Am hoping your son will "see the light" before it gets any worse.

    Hugs for you,
  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Robyn,
    stick to your guns--stay angry til he's out! Good luck, please update us on how it all goes. You are doing the right thing!
  4. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Good for you! You've set reasonable healthy boundaries. While you're still mad, you might want to call the PO. He was living in your house, and there may be a condition of his parole to notify the PO of any change in address. He is, after all, a difficult child who knows so much better than you how life works. Sounds like he needs another life lesson.

    Stay strong!

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Stay Strong Robin. Your doing the right thing.

  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: amstrong</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    My heart is breaking but I was prepared for this. I can only let him go and pray that he will grow up into the loving, responsible, smart adult I know he can be.

    See y'all later, </div></div>

    That is the best thing you can do for him. That is the only way he will grow up into the loving responsible smart adult you know he can be.

    I know how hard this is!!!
  7. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    difficult child called a 22 yr old friend from the hospital he was in as his other friends did not come through for him with a place to stay-imagine that! This guy was there for PST-served in Iraq and was having a tough time. He is also a police officer for a neighboring community and is returning to work this week. He is allowing difficult child to stay with him for the time being. difficult child called his boss who told him he still had a job if he could figure out how to get to a store where he can be picked up. difficult child and he drove and called around and found his local branch of the company difficult child works for and it is about 2 miles from where this guy's apartment is. difficult child has borrowed a bicycle and a lock and has made arrangements to ride to that store, lock the bike and the company truck that was picking him up at the store near our home will now pick him up from that store. The guy he is staying with will pick him up from work and take him by the other store each night to unlock and pick up the bike. They have worked out a monetary agreement for difficult child to be able to stay there.

    I am so proud that he worked this out. He has apologized to me for the things he said and said he was going to continue to pay his debt to us as well as worked out $$ to be paid to husband for the cell phone. He called and asked if he could have the Ramen Noodles and Easy Mac we have at home since he knows we don't eat it-it was bought for him. We told him, yes he could have it.

    They came by Friday night and got the stuff, difficult child apologized again and we met the guy he is staying with. He seems to be a really good guy and seems to be a role model for difficult child. He took me aside & told me that difficult child was really scared and crying when he called him and that they stayed up late Thursday night discussing difficult child's options. He told him there would be no drugging and no drinking as he is not willing to lose his job. He also told him he ought to consider law enforcement or fire fighting and that if he wanted to consider it, he would point him in the right direction. He told me that he had spoken to difficult child's boss and was told that difficult child is an excellent worker and that he can go far with the company. He told me not to give up on him.

    husband took difficult child aside and told him that he knows he is sleeping on this guy's couch and that he is proud of him for trying to work things out for himself. He told him that since he had worked it out and since he apologized, that there could be another chance at living at home ONLY if this did not work out. He asked difficult child if he had figured out that I mean business and that we will tolerate no disrespect and difficult child told him yes and also told him that he knows he needs to work on his frustration level and getting along with me & getting on with his life by making good choices. He told husband that this guy is thinking of moving to a bigger apartment and is willing to let difficult child be his roommate if he can afford it.

    I am so thankful that he made the right decision and called someone who he looks up to and that does not have drinking and drugging issues.

    Will keep everyone posted. Thanks for all your posts, good thoughts and prayers.

  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Actually, it doesn't sound like your son made the right choice. It sounds like he was forced to call this guy since all of his other friends bailed out on him. I'd be greatful he found someone who is basically pretty steady and is truly an adult.

    It is good that he apologized to you and even better that he was crying when he called this guy. It could very well mean that the idea of being homeless was his bottom and that now he will find his path.

    I'd be very careful about letting him come home if it doesn't work out. Our kids have a wonderful ability to self-destruct, especially if something good comes their way. I would make it a proviso that if things don't work out with this guy it has to be a personality conflict not because he couldn't follow the rules (and I'd be checking with the guy first). Let's hope it works out.
  9. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    I personally don't believe that he called all of his friends-I think that when he called me and said he had no where to go, that he was doing the manipulating thing. I know of one friend he did not call because I talk to his mother frequently and he did not call there. I too am glad he was crying and freaking out.

    husband told him that there "could" not "would" be another chance if things did not work out and that it would depend on the circumstances. We will be in touch with the guy he is staying with, he gave husband his cell phone number on the sly so I believe we are covered. difficult child just called me and told me he wants to come by this evening after work and have me help him fill out the insurance papers to get insurance through his job. I asked him if the guy he is staying with is picking him up and he said yes and that if it is ok, they will come by around 730. I told him this would be fine.

    I am not going to get my hopes up, just thankful for what is happening today.
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I'm thankful right along with you, Robyn.

    Often times, at least with my sons, I have seen a bad situation become even worse... just giving up completely. But, in your sons case, it looks as though he pulled himself up just in time and made a bad situation, better...That shows maturity. Also really glad he is living with a mentor of sorts. He may really do alot of growing up with this new adult influence...wonderful.

    Glad for the good news.
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    He figured this out because you weren't there to figure it out for him. Once you start to see the pattern of what he does for himself because you didn't do it for him, you will be very happy to do less and less for him.

    Maybe this person he is living with can be a positive influence on his life. Just hope this person doesn't do everything for him and allows difficult child to take on his own responsibilities.

    I wish husband did not tell him he could come back home if this doesn't work out. That makes it too easy for difficult child to give up and move back home as soon as this person he is living with disagrees with something he does or says. Our difficult child's don't need much of an excuse to change a situation into what they want it to be. I think you and husband should sit down and decide that he can't come back home ever. The best thing for him is to take responsibility for his own life.

    I know it's not easy, but I have been there done that and it works.
  12. CantQuitCrying

    CantQuitCrying New Member


    I too have 19 difficult child son. And going through and doing the exact same as you guys are. I totally feel for you!! I'm glad he has gone to someone he looks up to and can definately be a good influance on him, but, i'm with meowbunny, be careful in letting him back in. I'd check with the Mentor first also. We are at our wits end as you are. Our son has only one more chance to straighten up and move home. We told him he could come home as soon as he can pass a drug screen (he asked today if he could come home). I haven't heard from him in three weeks. He keeps calling husband. So, I'm glad to hear you too will let him back for only one more time. You hang in there kiddo! I will be thinking of you!!!

    ((((LOTS OF HUGS))))

  13. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    I have to agree with the above - he figured it out because he had to. I know that I've been guilty of doing things for my difficult child as well through the years, thinking he couldn't do it himself. If left to figure things out, however, they can surprise us.

    Sending good thoughts that this works out for your difficult child.