Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Apr 1, 2008.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    You know, sometimes being caring, dependable, intelligent, nuturing, ect can stink.

    I dunno. Maybe I'm just tired.

    Transporting Travis and Nichole back and forth from work, going to school fulltime, trying to hold down the house, babysitting for Darrin on the weekends, sometimes covering as a sitter for Aubrey, running errands and watching over mother in law, and trying to watch over husband's shoulder that he kept the bills paid was bad enough.

    With mother in law in hospital and me trying to do all of this I'm getting overwhelmed quickly. Now I have to call assisted living facilities, nursing homes, and home health agencies. I am the one stuck with the responsiblity of tryingto convince her that she needs assistance either at home or elsewhere. I am the one who is stuck with dealing with the legal issues concerning the DNR orders which are currently stated in such a way they will STILL recusitate if she codes. I get to deal with the @ss of a doctor she has and his powerplays. I'm the one chasing down the doctor, or trying to. I'm the one visiting mother in law in hospital making sure she has what she needs and company and assistance she won't ask the nurses for.

    husband informs me tonight the gas and water will most likely be shut off. Oh, goody. Now I could go down to community action in the morning and they would at least pay the gas bill for us. Problem is that I have to doctor chase in the morning and call all those places listed above, and visit with mother in law, and attempt to find some time for studying, and go to school. Plus all the other stuff I do which is too much to put into a post.

    easy child didn't go visit her grandmother at all today. husband visited for about 20 mins because I was there. Nichole did drop in for a visit. (but also because I had to take her to pick up Aubrey from daycare.)

    Then I get home and Aubrey is famished. (always after daycare) She's tired and a horrible diaper rash has her cranky. Nichole is sluggish about taking care of her. I fix her something to eat because if you wait too long she is too tired to eat anything and will go to bed hungry. Then I get asked what's for supper. This will counters full of dirty dishes. ugh

    Now I had phone calls still to make. So I do. Then it's hamburgers for supper cuz I can do that by washing one skillet. After supper I'm juggling feeding dogs, washing dishes, and the phone because I've suddenly become the most popular person on the planet. Although I never did get husband's brother called because by the time I remembered it was too late to do so.

    I know things tend to happen all at the same time. But these people seem to forget I had a mild heart attack just about 3 weeks ago.

    And it irritates me no end that brother in law's wife who is skilled in the stuff I need help with mother in law with, and they're off in virginia. Both of them are retired, their kids are MY age. If they were here they're help would be very appreciated. But of course they skipped outta state cuz they knew things were going down hill fast with mother in law.

    And when we talk about all the assited living, nursing home stuff mother in law looks at me with this yearning in her eyes that breaks my heart. I know she won't ask, but I know she wants me to take care of her. Then the guilt kicks in. I adore her, love her beyond reason. But I know I can't do it. I've already been there done that once in my life. I know the mental, emotional, and physical toll it takes. I just can't do it. And financially I can't either. School is killing us, but it at least promises a brighter future. Still I may be working come summer. And if I didn't go to school I would HAVE to work. So I still wouldn't be able to care for her.

    Sorry for the huge whine. But tonight I'm sorely tempted to just get into my car and start driving and not look back.:dissapointed:
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Lisa -

    For crying out loud, hon, you're only one person. Nichole should be feeding and changing Aubrey. Period. You have 3 other adults in the house. Are you the only one that can make hamburgers? Really?

    Go to the community action center tomorrow and leave a message for the doctor to call you. Or track him down tomorrow and go to the community action center the next day.

    But, something has got to give. Yesterday. Lay down the law with the other adults in the house. If they don't want to step up, I'd stop doing for them. I'd make dinner for myself only. I'd do my own laundry and that's it. You see where I'm going.

    It's ridiculous that they are so insensitive to your needs and your health. If they won't make it a priority, then you have to.

    (((((hugs)))) You've had one helluva month.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Heather said it all. I've heard of full plates, but yours is so overloaded it's spilling all over the place.

    Why should you go to community action? Your husband should get his rear in gear and go talk to them.

    Nicole is the mother of Aubrey, not you -- give her a choice, take care of your child or get out. Plain and simple.

    Figure out how much of what you are doing for your mother in law you think your husband can do and make him do it.

    Put a big sign on the front door -- "I just had a heart attack (remember, folks?). I NEED HELP. Clean up after yourself. Get dinner started so that it's ready when I get home. Do the laundry. Arrange your own transportation for now -- ask someone else if you can get rides. Take a bus, walk, ride a bike, pay for a taxi. Whatever, but I CAN'T DO IT!"

    After you have posted your note, leave -- let them figure out what to do. Do something for you, do something for your mother in law. You take care of you and, as much as possible, your mother in law.
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Well, let's see - hmmmm

    Stop it! Take care of yourself for goodness sake. Even if mother in law could come be taken care of outside of assisted living how can you manage if you drop over again from a heart attack!

    Lisa, my mom raised me to be an independent woman - a strong competent person who just did what had to be done. However, she never taught me to be self caring. To slow down & take care of me (much like herself).

    You are running yourself into the ground, as I & many of us here, have done, to run your household & family, plus hold down school.

    Heather pointed out the other adults in your household who can/should be taking care of other things. Take care of the utilities & go home & sleep. Make a list of items that need to be accomplished by the others in your home & head off to bed.

    If nothing else, print out a huge "DO NOT DISTURB" sign & hang it on your bedroom door & give yourself a good 3 or 4 hours minimum to rest.

    Take care of yourself, lady. You are the only one who will.

  5. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Ditto, ditto, ditto.

    I like the sign idea. There is no confrontation...just a simple sign that says 'go away,' or 'recovering heart attack,' or 'I'm on a 4 hour break.'

    Let husband find out how nice it is to have no water, etc. He won't last 10 minutes. Maybe that will motivate him to go out and take care of things.

    Come on, girl...take care of yourself.

  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Lisa, no one can take advantage of you without your permission. Being the head of a family is a tough but good place to be but all great leaders learn to delegate, trust and inspire those who follow them. You want to learn to trust your kids to function as adults. They will not rise to the challenge if you keep treating them as if they can't do the job as well as you. You need to delegate very specifically to husband.

    Make a priority list. M IL is getting cared for. She doesn't need you 24/7. Have husband stay 2hrs, easy child for 2hrs, nicole for 2hrs and then let the poor lady rest. You don't need to run after doctors but have him call you.

    There is no reason Travis and Nicole can not help with the dogs, dishes and Aubrey. You are not the primary caretaker of Darin or Aubrey. They need to find some other supports besides you if you want to fulfill your goal of completing school and getting a job. If Travis and Nicole are competant enough to work and have a child they are compatant enough to do the dishes. No excuses. Everyone else in the world takes care of baby, goes to school and does their dishes. EVERY DAY. Why would you let Nicole not learn that life lesson?

    I don't know what to say about your utilities being shut off.

    If you want to be a good leader, put everyone in charge of something and don't try to show that you are the only one who can do anything well enough. It undermines their self image and fosters dependency.

    Keep your eye on the goal.
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    "You know, sometimes being caring, dependable, intelligent, nuturing, ect can stink"

    Lisa my friend, you forgot to add "co-dependent" to that list LOL

    Being in charge of everything all the time will wear you down. I know for me it was just easier to "do it myself" because no one else was stepping up and I knew it would be done right - whatever it was was putting me on overload, and it was much easier just to do it and get it done - which was fine if you only have one or two things to get done, but with three kids, SO and an X..... After a while it was assumed that mom would take care of what ever it was, and it became the lifestyle in my house.

    Its gonna be hard to get your family retrained. Mine is still a work in progress but slowly but surely I have been stepping back from the role I put myself in. Part of the problem that was stressing me out was that I always "assumed" that they would step up and offer help - surely they could "see" I was on overload.

    One day it dawned on me that psychic abilities didn't run in my family, and I had to open my mouth, sometimes loudly (ok, most times loudly) that they needed to take charge of their own stuff. I am getting pretty good at not saying "oh don't worry about it I will do it for you, or can I help you with that, or do you need any money, or a ride, or a babysitter" Its been a slow shift of power BACK, but I needed to do it to stay sane and keep myself from absolutely keeling over.

  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I did manage to sleep in some this morning. The alarm went off, I just couldn't seem to drag myself out of bed. Nichole made sure I was up by 7am though, which was good. Sucked down a huge cup of coffee and headed for the hospital.

    I did catch the NP this morning. mother in law's DNR order has been corrected. Doubtful she'll be released until friday which is good because I don't have school on fridays. Might not be til later than that, we'll see.

    I'm getting ready to make those phone calls this morning. Oh, Marcie if you see this I did look up the one you sent me. Nice but way too far from us. (thanks)

    easy child did meet me at the hospital this morning. Nichole came with me too since I was running late. easy child took her to work from there. Like I said I'v got those phone calls to make, school at 1pm. Will stop off at hospital on way home from school around 4pm.

    I can't fix the gas or water. Which by the way the water is being shut off today. I just can't get out there and I can't miss another day of class for it. husband won't be home from work in Cincy in time to do anything about it either and can't afford to take the time off work. So I'm not worrying about it. Nichole made arrangements with boyfriend that Aubrey can stay there til it is turned back on. Everyone else can do without. I'll go to pcs and take my showers. lol

    I do try to do as little as possible though. Transporting Nichole and Travis is necessary. Small town, no buses. Neither can afford the taxi service everyday. Nichole is saving her checks to get her license and get the things for her car in order so I don't have to transport her. Travis just can't help it. easy child does try to help me with this when she can, but between school and work herself she can't do it often. Nichole switched the daycare hours to suit her work hours so now I shouldn't have to do any watching of Aubrey. Darrin isn't really any work and often he is a big help with cleaning.

    As for the baby, I ripped Nichole a new one last night over it. And usually I don't take over like that, but baby was too miserable and tired to ignore. Small window of opportunity to get her to eat something before going to bed. And a baby just won't go to bed hungry in my house period.

    If I don't get help with housework I leave it. Last night the dishes had to be done cuz they were all dirty. I told Nichole that if she wanted to eat tonight she has the dishes. Otherwise she can go hungry. Travis has been informed his rent is increasing due to the 2 hr showers he takes to cover the water bill. If he doesn't stop raiding the food, it will be raised to cover that. (although having to replace food eaten is usually enough) Both kids have been informed they will be paying me for gas.

    That's the bad part. The stuff I do is stuff that I have to do. I don't care if my house is dirty or the laundry done. They can do their own. I handed the bills over to husband cause he was undermining my doing it. Now it's his worry.

    easy child and I just had a long chat about mother in law and caring for her at home. easy child wants us to do as much as we can. And was reeling off all she could do. (while forgetting she has work and school too and a husband and child too) And I had to get down with the nitty gritty with her. After that she realized we can't take over mother in law's care at home. She didn't like it, but that is reality. I don't like it either.

    Somehow I'll manage to make it through this latest crisis. Hopefully with mother in law safe and sound in assisted living or set up with someone at home. (not counting on it) But she's being horribly stubborn about it. And is far too mentally together to use the power of attorney.

    Now I'll call brother in law's wife for some advice and info before making those calls. Then off to class. Looks like I'll be stuyding like mad over weekend.
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It seems like everything is just hitting at once. You're trying to go to school and then you have to go and have a heart attack and mother in law has to go and get sick. On top of you're already hectic schedule. It just seems like you can't catch a break.

    What is it with these boys and the marathon showers? I had to lay down the law with Devon because my water bill last month was $97.00. The month before it was $63.00. I told him if he's going to use so much water then he needs to get a job and help pay the bill.

    But, seriously, Lisa, you're going to school and doing everything you did before plus handling each crisis as it comes along. I'd say it's at least time to delegate dinner. On the days you have school, someone else is responsible for cooking. You need to catch your breath or your body is going to end up forcing you to.

  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I don't get the LONG shower thing. I'm in and out in under 5 minutes, and I'm a girl. Guys don't typically have long hair to wash, condition, shave, etc. easy child son does the same. He's in there for a good 30 minutes.

  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I don't get the shower thing either.

    Heck, I never used to be able to get Travis to take a shower just a couple of years ago. Now it seems like I can't get him out of it. Worse, he'll fill the tub to the brim and soak. At least an hour or more. Refilling as the water cools. He got tired of me yelling at him for it, so now "sneaks" to take his bath/showers and will do it in the middle of the night.

    I'm also in and out of the shower in 10 mins. So is Nichole. husband doesn't take long.

    I just can't afford him to do that. I have a watersaver showerhead, but he's not using the shower head of course.

    And we only have 1 bathroom for 5 people, so it's just not feesilbe for him to occupy it that long.

    Heck, if my water valve was located where I could get to it easily, I'd turn the darn water off at night so he couldn't sneak to bathe. lol

    I used to think this was one of his weird quirks. But Nichole's boyfriend does it too.

    Well, our water was shut off today. husband had left me with "emergency money" but hadn't told me what it was for. I'd guessed but didn't have time to deal with it. Then water co showed up and it was out of my hands. So I called husband before I left for school and told him that I was leaving the "emergency money" at home and it was up to him to come up with the extra 50 bucks to have them turn it back on.

    husband did pay it, and got the extra money from Travis. When I came home I told Travis he wouldn't be paid back. Because the bill wouldn't have been so darn high if he'd stop with the marathon baths.

    I just can't seem to get it into either Travis or Nichole's head that her Dad and I are just ever so barely scraping by right now. H*ll, we're not even making it from paycheck to paycheck. The concept seems to be escaping Travis altogether. Although with Nichole it is beginning to sink in. I've not been asked for extra rides and such, and she donates part of her WIC to the family, and is doing better on shutting off lights and stuff when she leaves a room.

    As for mother in law, I'm still making those phone calls. But I've already discovered homecare is not an area you want to necessarily save money in. The cheaper agencies weren't professional at all, some were rude even. I have found one I like, but it's 17.00 and hr and they can't provide for any medical aide just non medical care. Did sound really good. Bonded and insured. And I don't know if mother in law can afford 17.00 an hour even if it's just a few hours a couple of days a week.

    Did however get transportation sorted out. No more agony for her to get to docs. The transport will pick her up in her wheelchair and take her to doctor and back home. She won't ever have to get out of the chair til she is back home. This is a HUGE deal for her. And medicare pays at least a percentage if not all of it. YEA!

    Thanks for the support. The timing for all of this really stinks. But that seems to be the way it goes.

  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The others have all given good advice. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much right now. Gentle hugs.
  13. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    You know it's funny...I grew up in a household of 5. We had the Sunday bath. Oldest went first, the we went down by age. Unfortunatley, I was the youngest. You got the same water as the oldest. UGH!!! I didn't know any different...just did the routine.

    We only had one bathroom and money was tight. That is what you did in those days.

  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Lisa -

    Have you checked with your local office on aging and senior center? Just a thought as they might provide some non-medical service that is volunteer oriented.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    That's a wonderful idea! Thanks. I'll do that.

  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Too true Abbey.

    My mom was a single parent with 5 kids she was raising on min wage with no child support. We took baths every Sat night for church on sunday. While she didn't have us use the same water, we only got to fill the tub maybe an inch high and we had exactly 10 mins to wash and be out so the next person could get in. Everyone shared the towel though. And since I was the youngest I always got the wet towel. yuk

    It still irks me that I can't get husband or the kids to hang up their towels to use again instead of tossing them into the wash. I mean, come on, you're clean when you get out of the shower! lol
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sorry it all hit at once. local churches (even if you are not a member) may be able to help with non-medication stuff. Our church even has some nurses who help family navigate the calls to docs, etc...

    Please be careful of warning signs from your body.



    one question? Why is Nichole "donating part of her WIC"?? Wouldn't it just be formula and food? Shouldn't this go into the pantry and be part of the food for the whole family? Sorry, this just sounds off to me.
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Nichole gets milk, eggs, cheese, cereal, juice, and peanut butter from WIC for the baby. Nichole shares the milk and stuff the baby can't eat fast enough before it goes bad. I keep an eye on it because in my mind it's food that will keep the baby fed even if the rest of us are going hungry.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Sorry things are hitting all at once. You will get things sorted out I have faith.

    On the shower subject....I cant believe you guys cant figure out why the males at that age take loooonnnnngggg showers!!!

    Think harder...lmao
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful