You know, sometimes being caring, dependable, intelligent, nuturing, ect can stink. I dunno. Maybe I'm just tired. Transporting Travis and Nichole back and forth from work, going to school fulltime, trying to hold down the house, babysitting for Darrin on the weekends, sometimes covering as a sitter for Aubrey, running errands and watching over mother in law, and trying to watch over husband's shoulder that he kept the bills paid was bad enough. With mother in law in hospital and me trying to do all of this I'm getting overwhelmed quickly. Now I have to call assisted living facilities, nursing homes, and home health agencies. I am the one stuck with the responsiblity of tryingto convince her that she needs assistance either at home or elsewhere. I am the one who is stuck with dealing with the legal issues concerning the DNR orders which are currently stated in such a way they will STILL recusitate if she codes. I get to deal with the @ss of a doctor she has and his powerplays. I'm the one chasing down the doctor, or trying to. I'm the one visiting mother in law in hospital making sure she has what she needs and company and assistance she won't ask the nurses for. husband informs me tonight the gas and water will most likely be shut off. Oh, goody. Now I could go down to community action in the morning and they would at least pay the gas bill for us. Problem is that I have to doctor chase in the morning and call all those places listed above, and visit with mother in law, and attempt to find some time for studying, and go to school. Plus all the other stuff I do which is too much to put into a post. easy child didn't go visit her grandmother at all today. husband visited for about 20 mins because I was there. Nichole did drop in for a visit. (but also because I had to take her to pick up Aubrey from daycare.) Then I get home and Aubrey is famished. (always after daycare) She's tired and a horrible diaper rash has her cranky. Nichole is sluggish about taking care of her. I fix her something to eat because if you wait too long she is too tired to eat anything and will go to bed hungry. Then I get asked what's for supper. This will counters full of dirty dishes. ugh Now I had phone calls still to make. So I do. Then it's hamburgers for supper cuz I can do that by washing one skillet. After supper I'm juggling feeding dogs, washing dishes, and the phone because I've suddenly become the most popular person on the planet. Although I never did get husband's brother called because by the time I remembered it was too late to do so. I know things tend to happen all at the same time. But these people seem to forget I had a mild heart attack just about 3 weeks ago. And it irritates me no end that brother in law's wife who is skilled in the stuff I need help with mother in law with, and they're off in virginia. Both of them are retired, their kids are MY age. If they were here they're help would be very appreciated. But of course they skipped outta state cuz they knew things were going down hill fast with mother in law. And when we talk about all the assited living, nursing home stuff mother in law looks at me with this yearning in her eyes that breaks my heart. I know she won't ask, but I know she wants me to take care of her. Then the guilt kicks in. I adore her, love her beyond reason. But I know I can't do it. I've already been there done that once in my life. I know the mental, emotional, and physical toll it takes. I just can't do it. And financially I can't either. School is killing us, but it at least promises a brighter future. Still I may be working come summer. And if I didn't go to school I would HAVE to work. So I still wouldn't be able to care for her. Sorry for the huge whine. But tonight I'm sorely tempted to just get into my car and start driving and not look back.