Visit from problem child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Billiesue, Oct 2, 2017.

  1. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    My 19 year old son came to celebrate his younger brother's 17th birthday tonight. He moved in with his girlfriend this summer after we found out about his marijuana use. Lots of paraphenilia and such. I know he is still using it. Because I check his twitter account occasionally and he posts memes glorifying it. I want to tell him not to do that because it will hurt his future work career. But i don't because I know he will know I check this. Anyway, he has not been in trouble yet. I don't know how he has avoided it. I took his car last Spring. He bought a junker. He and this girlfriend work together at Mcdonalds and he is going to college two nights a week and taking some online classes. I don't know if he uses anything else but in the spring he was tested twice and just tested positive for pot. I asked about his car. He says he has to keep putting air in the tires and it won't back up well. I have a perfectly good car parked in my driveway I could give him. This car doesn't sound safe. I feel guilty. What if something happens to him because of this car. But he smelled of pot when he came in and hugged me tonight. I think if he has to have it before he comes over here he must use it everyday. I am still shocked this is my son doing this. He says, " I don't drive my car much." They ride together. I had hoped they would find living together too costly and he would move back home and have to abide by my rules. Not so far. This girl who I have never smelled pot on, yet she doesn't hug me, I'm amazed is OK with this. Her grandma is letting them live in a trailer she owns rent free. Thanks grandma. Takes all my power away He seems content with this going nowhere life. I don't know. I know it pales in comparison to some of your stories. But I don't know what to do. I told my husband, who is not his father, he smelled like pot. He asked me if I said anything. I didn't because, what could I say. I am not supporting him. Should I have? I don't know. How do we handle this? Wait it out? Pray every night. Anyway I had to vent to you guys because I know you understand.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome and so glad you found us Billie. Don't dare compare. Our stories are simiLr and also unique.

    You didn't cause his choices to take him here he is. You certainly have not enabled husband that is very powerful. That takes a lot of courage.

    We sold our sons car. Our therapist said fixing a using addict a car is like giving them a loaded weapon.

    My sons doctor was pot for a number of years at it alone put him in a tail spin. Now onto other drugs as well. He will be 18 this month.

    Your struggle is real and you are not alone.
     
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  3. oldman

    oldman New Member

    I understand and live with the same question, should I continue to support him or should I kick him out? What will happen if I kick him out? Sorry that I don’t have an answer for you, but please know that you are not alone and let’s pray for them and for ourself
     
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  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome. Your son is living on his own meeting his own needs. I don't think that there is anything you can do right now. You need to let him experience the consequences of his actions.

    That said, I would absolutely not let him use your car. If he is smoking pot on a regular basis, you cannot trust that he wouldn't drive high. If the car is in your name, you could be held liable for an accident. Not to mention how you would feel if he had an accident and got hurt or hurt someone else.

    I can tell that you are hurting. I suggest finding a support group or a therapist to help you with this. Finding a therapist that was able to help me set firm boundaries with my addict daughter changed my life. Even better, my daughter responded to my boundaries by stepping up and getting sober.

    Keep posting. You will find understanding and support.

    ~Kathy
     
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    You need to decide what you choose to do. We put our son out. He did get worse and very quickly. He also got arrested. His choices and consequences. He begged to come and go to rehab. We are just waiting on s bed.

    He is at home while we wait for a rehab bed.

    If there is a Naranon group near you I would check it out. It has helped me tememdosly
     
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  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    BillieSue, I wish my son was doing as well as yours. Look at all the positives. He is going to school, working, living with someone he cares about and gets along with. I think all of this is amazing. He is doing what so many of ours are not doing......He is figuring it out. I love your son.

    I know that you are concerned about his drug use. I agree that it would be great if he wasn't. Why would you want him to move home and live in a battle of wills situation. The truth is we can't force anyone to live the way we would like. I would not give him the car. They seem to have figured out how to get around on their own.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Billie:

    Agree with the others. He is doing what he wants to do and at least he is going to school.

    If my son only smoked pot and did all that I'd be doing a happy dance right now.

    As long as he knows you love him that is all that matters. I'm sure he knows you do not approve of the weed so he is not doing it under your nose - well right before he's under your nose but at least not in your home.

    I'd ride it out for now. We all hope our kids will one day "see the light" or the lightbulb will go off. In the meantime all we can do is take care of ourselves and live OUR life to the fullest.

    Hang in there.
     
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  8. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    i appreciate all the comments. Pasajes. I read what you wrote. I'll admit it does make me feel better when you point out these things. I was single with my two sons for 6 years, before I married my second husband. He hid this girl from me for 2 years. She is biracial and he thought I wouldn't approve. I'm sure that may spark some debate. I couldn't understand why he no longer brought anyone home. I found out about her when I started talking to his biological father about my suspicions of him using drugs. I told him I knew about her the same day his father and I tested him for the first time. I told him I was sorry he didn't feel like he could tell me this and she was welcome in my house. Shortly after, my husband and I would be awakened to the smell of pot being smoked coming from his basement room. His younger brother's room is down there as well. We had rounds over this and then he came home one night with the girlfriend.I heard him yelling at her, "Get the F out of my car." I intervened. He was drunk. I don't think high that night but who knows. When I started to question him he said he was leaving. I told him he was not in that car because it was in my name. He then proceeded to walk on foot barefoot through neck high weeds and woods. ( Girlfriend trails in after him while I go to get my keys to my car to follow him up the driveway. Middle of summer. Snakes crawling. Two kids in the woods.) He gets gone. He is still gone the next morning. I finally call the police to find him. He moves in with Dad and doesn't speak to me for a while. He finally comes around and then tells me he is moving in with girlfriend. I knew my kids would grow up and leave. But this was not the picture I had painted in my head. This all took place in such a short period of time. I rarely see him. I don't know what all he is doing. Last year at this time I didn't know he did drugs. Didn't know he had a girlfriend and had high hopes for his future. Now I imagine teen pregnancy. He just turned 19 in August. A life of paying child support. A girl who is OK with drug use from him so probably would be OK with any man who would be around my future grandchildren. He is taking graphic design at the community college. I'm not sure how much of a living he could make. I could be wrong. I despartely miss him. Although it was not fun living with him when I knew this was going on. It was awful. So you may be right about the battle of wills. And I'm so afraid something will happen to him in that car. And by the way, the girl is a beautiful sweet girl. She seems smart. She is taking classes to be a legal secretary. Not at all someone who you would think would tolerate drug use. As far as figuring it out. I don't think they would be able to do this without grandma's letting them live there. So I think he may be getting a false sense of what it takes. Truth is I do pretty well if I stay off his Twitter. But when he comes over and I smell that familiar smell. I feel a sense of dread and I want to talk to you guys!
     
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  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Billie:

    Most people that age do not think smoking pot is using "drugs". They equate it to drinking alcohol. I do not remember thinking it was bad when I was that age either.

    I quit at 17 when I met my husband (now he's my ex) but I just grew out of it.

    Remember that this is his journey and he is living life the way he wants to. As long as he isn't harming himself then try not to worry. Let his dad take over for a while. I really think boys need their dad at a certain age and I have tried to step back from our son also.

    He will come back around to you in his own time. Boys do love their momma. He is just trying to figure things out too.
     
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  10. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Thanks RNO, I'm beginning to think I was sheltered. I did smoke it one week at the beach but never sought it out. I don't understand this. Long story short, his Dad is not a lot of help. Son and Dad don't see eye to eye for very long and my younger son rarely sees him. My younger son says, " well you picked him." LOL. He is right.
     
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree young people dont see pot as a drug. Many think alcohol is worse. My youngest is shortly going to be a cop. Although she has never been in any trouble and never even tried pot (hates smoke of any kind), she has friends who smoke pot.

    Pot will be legal all over soon. Some people, like me, get paranoid on pot and shouldnt use it. But some people also become alcoholics...no mind altering substance is safe for everyone.

    This is jmo. If he is workig and still motivated, I would not make a big deal over pot. Young people will never see pot like we do. The stigma is not there.

    I am sorry you hurt.
     
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  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Well maybe if you step back, dad will step up. You never know!
     
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  13. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    I'm just curious. When we found out he was doing this. He had bottles of synthetic urine,the hand warmers, I'm assuming to keep the synthetic urine at room temperature, some thing you use to grind it up with. A big thing to smoke it with he had bought online (his Dad found this, I didn't see it, dad said the receipt for it showed he spent a lot on it. I'm thinking 200+ dollars. Some thing with coffee grounds in a paper towel tube. And one more thing. The gift he brought his brother was about 130.00. I think a lot for someone living on their own and working at Mcdonalds to have money for. Considering this, would you still not be that concerned. I know me worrying won't help anything anyway but does this sound like more than what you thought or is it about what you would expect with pot use? Thanks
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would think he is selling something (drugs) or stealing or doing something else illegal. How else could he have all this money otherwise? But there is really nothing you can do except throw out anything you find in your house. I did that. If that were me the pipe, the urine, etc. would now be in a trash can...and not stashed i MY trash can where it could be retrieved. My house/my rules. I never cared if my daughter got mad. I even went in her purse and tossed her cigarettes because my house is no smoking.

    She stopped bringing stuff home.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The cardboard tube is used to hide the smell of the smoke...you exhale in to the tube. I found one in my daughter room that had a dryer sheet inside with wadded up paper towels inside. I am assuming the large item was a bong? You put water in the bottom...

    Have you found broken pieces of ink pens? I had to learn about all this the hard way...

    Ksm
     
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Billie:

    Yes SWOT is right, he could be dealing. But you can't control that either. At least it's not in your house.

    Maybe you could let him grandmother know that OR father OR let it roll out.
     
  17. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Well he hasn't been home, (in my house), since May. I did throw everything I found away. His Dad told me he had got rid of the bong. (I thought that is what it was called but wasn't sure). I never found pieces of ink pens. He was still living at home when the bong was bought. I was unaware of the problem at the time. He worked then delivering pizza and didn't have any bills. I sometimes gave him gas money if he asked for it. I didn't question. If he said he needed money I'd give him about 40.00. But living on his own with girlfriend, I was a bit surprised by this expensive birthday gift. But then all the bills they would have is electricity, and food, gas and TV. I still pay for the phone. (I just can't let that go.) It's my only communication with him. I'm sure it is possible, dealing or I guess stealing but I couldn't imagine. We never found scales or anything. ( My husband is a policeman. He says they use scales. I wouldn't know.) The gift was a light saver from Game Stop. Very large Star Wars item. KSM, what were the broken pieces of ink pens? Seems I do remember pop cans with the lid cut off or holes poked in the end.
     
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Billie, Just my 2 cents. You are making yourself sick playing cop and "what if". For your sanity stop. He could be selling, and if he is, he could get caught and go to jail. I would not tell the grandma anything. It's her property. Your son would more than likely stop speaking to you. I don't think your ready for that.
     
  19. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Pasajes You are right. I've been on this too much today. No danger of me telling grandma. He won't give me his address. I guess he is afraid I'll stop in at the wrong time. I have asked him for it in a text. He just doesn't respond. I've never met the grandma.
     
  20. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Copied from internet...“They poke a small hole in the side of the can and dent it in near the hole. Then lay the marijuana in the dent above the hole and use the can opening as a location to inhale the smoke,”

    I also read it can be used for other drugs, too. I found a light bulb, with the metal stuff taken out (still had the outside metal rim) and it had been used to smoke meth.

    I think if your son is working and taking classes, and not living in your home, I would just try to keep lines of communication open. Not much else you can do... Ksm