Was I wrong?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Im a Believer, Dec 19, 2008.

  1. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    My son had a suicide attempt on Sunday. He is in a PHospital.

    I went to see him tonight ~

    I found out he had a "family" meeting with his therapist along with his step mother and his Dad but nobody called me ~ I have never even met his P.

    I told him that upset me and he asked me why I came to see him if I was going to upset him.

    I left ~

    The history of this is long ~

    My children's step mother is 40 something -never been married before and no kids ~

    She told me once - "I think God put me in this family for a reason."

    Did I over react??

    This whole week the hospital calls his father - not me.

    Do I just take the back seat?

    Sorry if I sound emotional - I am!
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Wrong, no. But, there could be any number of reasons. From what I know, he is now living with his dad? Did his dad admit him and fill out the paper work? Is his dad legal custodian? Is his dad paying the hospital bill? He could have asked them to just call his dad? I know that you are feeling some guilt. When someone we love tries to harm themselves, that is the natural response. But, right now he needs you. And right now, you need to be his mom. Let it go. Take the higher road. Your ex and his wife are being insensitive. But, don't let that affect your relationship with your son.
  3. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    That's strange the hospital would only want his dad. My son too had a suicide attempt and is in a psychiatric hospital. When we admitted him they were adamant that they need both biological parents to sign everything. I asked why both of us had to sign this, and they said they had to, it had to be both. Although I did wonder what if only one would.

    I would call the Dr. and ask lots of questions, it is important that the family meeting involves the mom. At some point,right? Don't even be mad for a second, or hurt. Just ignore the stepmom if she says things that upset you, don't even acknowledge you heard her. It's about him getting well. Call there now, someone is always there, leave a message for the Dr.-Alyssa
  4. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    EW ~ My son is an "adult" but he does live with his Dad. No - we both have insurance and pay the bills 1/2. My ex did sign him in - I run an in-home childcare and do not have the flexibility that he and his wife have.

    Alyssa ~ That is a good idea - I am calling the hospital now and leaving a message for the DR.

    Thanks ~
  5. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    If your son is an adult, you do not have the (legal) right to call and ask the doctor lots of questions. Your son would have to sign a waiver allowing such communications.

    It is hard to feel like the outsider I am sure. I understand you must be feeling hurt by their choice to exclude you.

    After a suicide, people's emotions are understandably raw. I would give your son your love and I would also give him his space.

    If it were me, I would try to speak to your ex husband and ask to be informed of pertinent updates, etc.

    Take the high road. You'll be glad you did.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


  7. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Unfortunatley my ex does not keep me informed - in fact he plays games and this is another "game" he is playing. He "gets off" by hurting me.

    I have 6 children and the older 4 all have really bizzare behaviour ~ It is not coincidence - they grew up in a VERY disfunctional home.

    My younger two I had hoped had a chance.

    Now my younger daughter went to live with- her Dad. She was only 5 when the marriage broke up and thus does not remember the abuse of her older sibblings.

    The people in my live that see this Roller Coaster ride I have been on with this man the past 30 years have encouraged me to be more assertive in sticking up for myself - which I am trying to do.

    You wouldn't believe me if I told you all the mind games he has played with me and there is no reason to go around the mountain about it.

    Maybe the last two posts were inteneted to be encouaraging but I took them as insensitive.

    I thought this was a place to go for comfort and encouragement ~

    My entire family is hurting and there is NOTHING I can do but take the high road.
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am sorry you are feeling hurt by others remarks. Nothing here is said in a hurtful manner, but often when our emotions are raw, like I'm sure yours are, we take things the wrong way. Hugs for your hurt. The truth is that you can do nothing to change your ex's behavior. You can only change your reactions to it. HIPPA laws are really weird. They will not allow access to medical records or information without the person's consent. If son did not give consent, then you will not be allowed access. (This is even for minors by the way.) I know people like your husband. My sister in law was married to one. They are bullies who get a kick out of other's pain. You can't let him see how much your are hurting. When you get angry and walk out, he enjoys it. Get tough. I know it's hard, but your son needs you to be there for him right now. He is seriously ill. No on attempts suicide seriously without intent to actually die.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Judy, you asked for our opinions ("Was I wrong?"). I've re-read GG's words and my concurrence with them many times and I still don't see any kind of criticism there, just what we would do. I'm sorry you took it in a manner it was not intended.

    We are a pretty literal group. No one is doubting your pain or insensitive to it. This must be a terrible time for you. If you want to vent and only receive support and no opinions or advice, just let us know in your post and we will be happy to do that.

  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I had a mother who played mind games with me. I imagine Judy must feel like someone is slowly peeling off her skin...
    It's horrible feeling so powerless about an adult child who has just attempted suicide,about not being informed of the meeting, about being swept aside.
    Why are people getting their feelings hurt so much lately? This is a hard time of year, even without suicide attempts!
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I don't feel I know you well enough yet to tell you what you should do. Instead, I'd tell you what I'd do.

    I'd call the doctor and the psychiatric hospital and see what orders have been written. Are you allowed to call, visit, and get updates on difficult child's condition. If not, can you at least send him a card or call and see if he's at least doing ok?

    At this point I would completely ignore ex and his new wife. Why? Because you have no control over their actions. And you already know ex enjoys mind games and manipulating and hurting you. Anything you do to acknowledge this is going to fuel his flames, so to speak.

    I think you'll feel better with the facts of how involved you're allowed to be. Because if ex is a mind gamer, difficult child may not have any restrictions on you at all, but ex may be leading you to believe it is so either by words or behavior for whatever motives he has. And I'm guessing ex is pretty darn good at the mind games.

    If it turns out difficult child has no restrictions on you visiting or being part of his therapy and you feel it would benefit him for you to be there.......well, if it were me, it would take heaven and earth to keep me away.

    This is all so much harder because difficult child is an adult. Some things we just have to accept because of that. If difficult child doesn't want you there (for whatever reason) and has put it down as such there really isn't anything you can do. It reeks, but that's the simple fact.

    So I'd see where I stand and then decide my next move. But as far as ex and his wife are concerned.......I wouldn't even acknowledge they exist if I had to. If it makes it easier......remember she has to live with him now, not you. lol

    I am so sorry for your hurting Mommy heart. There should not be all this senseless drama when someone is so hurt and angry they attempt to take their own life.

    I hope difficult child is able to find help while he's there.

  12. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I'm sorry that you took my reply as 'insensitive'. It truly was not meant to be that way.

    As I stated earlier - I'm (unfortunately) not a stranger to having a family member with a suicidal history. So, I feel that I'm speaking from a place of personal experience -

    If you re-read my reply, most 'advise' was prefaced by "I would" - as opposed to "You should". Big distinction.

    None of us have 'the whole picture'. So, we are trying to formulate our responses on too little information. But, you will find that we all do care about each other - and sometimes that includes 'saying the hard stuff'. We rarely tell each other just what we want to hear.

    If you're looking strictly for 'comfort and encouragement' - we can do that too.

    I would encourage you to begin to consider 'detachment'. When you're dealing with dysfunctional people, it becomes an absolute necessity to understand how to react to dysfunctional behaviors. http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...der-kids-scenarios-solutions.2364/#post-22685

    Again, I am sincerely sorry if my response came off as insensitive. I hope that as you 'get to know us', you will understand us better.

    Hugs for you hurting heart.
  13. Lisa & GG ~ I appologize for being so sensitive.

    I was so hurt I actually wiped ut all my information and intended to not come back.

    You are right - I am hurt - I am raw - I try to turn to the Lord - But I need someone with skin on.

    I am going to try to go to Alanon or somewhere - I really need some support.

    My ex nor my son put meon the "list" as to have information.

    Basically the PHospital doesn't know I exist.

    When I went to the hospital Friday night they looked at me strange because I said I was my son's mom.

    I think they think the stepmother is the mom.

    I tried to move heaven and earth and it won't budge.

    I am powerless.

    My head says it is time to disconnect - my heart is breaking.

    I am sorry I sounded "mean" to you - Please forgive me ~

  14. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I'm glad you've come back Judy! I don't think you sounded mean - I think you sound hurt. We've all been where you're at. No forgiveness is needed.

    Really - this is a wonderful community.

    Come and vent - we'll try to encourage and support you to the best of our ability.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Judy I'm also very glad you didn't stay away.

    I'm sending you many warm gentle (((((hugs))))) for your shattered Mommy heart. I'm sorry you weren't put on the list for difficult child. Does that mean you can't ask about him or send him something? (like a card ect?) Just so he knows you're thinking of him?

    I know this has got to be pure h*ll for you. And I wish I could come and take some of your pain away. :(

    You and your son are in my prayers.

  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry you are so shattered. I am also sending {{{{{{{gentle hugs}}}}}}} for your destroyed Mommy heart.

    Please stick around. We are not perfect, and we can't always help, but we will listen and be here for you.

    I do think that sending your son a card and letting him know you love him is a good idea. And he can probably have cards - my son (a minor) could have any/all cards that came through the US mail. Something about blocking the mail (even us parents blocking it or putting names on a list that couldn't send mail) being a felony. So if all else fails, send it overnight mail, return receipt requested. That way he will KNOW you went all out to reach out to him.

    And if you simply cannot do that, it is OK. It was just one suggestion.

    I do have a gentle exercise for you:

    Put your Left hand on your Right shoulder.
    Put your Right hand on your Left shoulder.
    Squeeze Gently.

    Repeat as necessary - whenever necessary.

    That is a gentle hug to you from all of us here!