Well, I have

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    called dss to investigate the possiblity of a parental placement into foster care for short term (what they consider short term- a few mos or less) placement of difficult child, where I keep parental rights, upon his release. I asked for no special services other than a place to live while difficult child go to family therapy until I feel safe living with him again. As far as I'm concerned, other than family therapy, Department of Juvenile Justice/csu can arrange and pay for whatever services they are going to require from difficult child. She asked a lot of questions, including difficult child's PO's name. I figure she'll call hime right away to discuss the re-entry group home- they will surely push for that so nothing has to come out of dss funding. However, I've let everyone know that it isn't fair to my son to throw another program of punishments on him that only keep him wrapped up in 'the system' when none of this is addressing the real problem- domestic violence, in my humble opinion, there fore, I am not willing to work with re-entry plan. (Supposedly, that plan can't work if parent isn't on board. ) So, find another plan or else we might end up in a situation where it's an abandonment situation.

    We'll see. I'm writing this post in a way that I hope I can delete it in a week or so. Or maybe mods can help with that. I don't want to abandon my son. I love him. But something has to be done or my son very well might end up seriously harming me or ending up an adult man who thinks he can become physically agressive with a wife/girlfriend and she'll be right there waiting for him when he gets out of jail for it. Something has to make my son wake up- warehousing him in Department of Juvenile Justice and going thru their steps to earn his way out doesn't seem to work as long as I'm still there. And going to a group home to do that again for 6 mos isn't going to change that, I don't think.

    I told her this state needs to wake up and do something about all the kids committing domestic violence- what is going to happen when they are grown men?

    Wow- she has just called back and told me to make an appointment for next week to come in and talk to them- no guarantees on how it will go, though.
  2. jennd23

    jennd23 New Member

    Good luck next week. :consoling:
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well done! Here's hoping...................................
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I hope that they listen and help.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you! This is extremely difficult for me.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    All the more reason to give you a huge pat on the back. I can only imagine. I hope I dont have to face this ever, but i can certainly see that something similar could happen in terms of placement choices. I really am hoping and praying for you and your difficult child.
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sigh. Many hugs. Let us know. I feel for you ... and your son. Sounds like he hasn't made much progress? There are no guarantees in life, but you can still protect yourself. So very hard.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Did you ever find out about programs for domestic violence for teen boys in your area? Are there any? If you cant find any, contact mental health and ask that someone start some because your son isnt the only teen who commits domestic violence.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    There aren't any DJ- they kick all these cases into Department of Juvenile Justice. On the state level, there is push after push for these agencies to work together, and each local jurisdiction has a 'team' with a person from each agency (sd, MH, dss, Department of Juvenile Justice, and one other but I don't remember what it is) there and the WHOLE purpose is to allow funding to go to various types of services when a kid is 'at-risk' and needs more than what one agency's funding pool will cover. Do you know what they do in these meetings? Sit there annd point the finger at each other saying 'the kid's issue is a ABC issue- we aren't dealing with anything- you pay for it'. So, even if a kid is exteremely mentally ill but ended up in Department of Juvenile Justice, you can forget one of these other agency's spending a dime on him because he ended up being on Department of Juvenile Justice's ticket first. There is not enough accountability for the people working on the 'lower end' of the totem pole (for lack of better term) in this state. It hoovers.

    I never wrote my letter to send to the legislation in this state but I seriously want to- before the next session gets in the crux of things this winter.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    First - good luck!

    Second - I agree with you that their method isn't working. It would not work for my daughter, either. However - your son is in a much worse spot, as are you. I really, really hope this works out.

    Third - I'm praying for you and your son. That things will finally somehow turn around.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Unbelievable. So they cant even start a group therapy meeting at the Y or at a Drug prevention place to talk about domestic violence?

    We have a place here called palmer drug abuse which is a really dumb name considering what they are trying to do is stop teens from abusing drugs but oh well...someone just didnt have much insight with names...lol. Anyway, there are two sights for this place in my town and what they do is have things like teen hang outs, teen socials, some teen groups that teens can be court ordered into, but it is all about teens. They have vans to take the kids on outings. I know they work with Department of Juvenile Justice quite a bit. Of course, our Department of Juvenile Justice is so different than yours. Ours actually has a program where the kids are ordered to work with this program to help offset their restitution fines. They are some of the people who work at the county run halloween scary house and help with the fair and other stuff like that all under the supervision of people who work with a certain program but I dont think you have that.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't know about the Y- I could check into that. I have found that the jurisdiction I'm in now has a little more for at-risk youth than the jurisdiction that we'd lived in before - for so many years. You know, when my son was little, I thought it was best to get him in the best sd and live in the 'best' jurisdiction I could. What I found once he became a difficult child is that those 'nice' jurisdictions don't have squat for at-risk youth- as far as I know, they still don't have ANY type of re-entry program. Now I will still say that the one here hoovers- first of all, what dumbo thinks that the same 'therapeutic plan' (ie, behavior mod and resulting requirements) is appropriate whether a kid has a crisis at home, needs a diversion from being committed to Department of Juvenile Justice, is a result from a short term stay in detention, or has spent the majority of his teen years in Department of Juvenile Justice incarcerated in juvie prison? Seriously? My kid doesn't know what clothes are in style for a teen his age- but they want him to earn his way out of another program and this will solve the problem of him re-integrating into society? HE!!- even I would throw in the towel!

    I'll keep advocating, DJ. I have advocating for group 'therapy' for these boys coming out of Department of Juvenile Justice, with a specially trained PO or someone leading of course and a few other things. I read the state reports from committees formed to specifically look at this problem- they report what all of us warrior moms see. Fine- The state occasionally puts a little money toward 'something'- but we end up with the same koi because no one is really checking to see how this is playing out ITRW. THAT is where the problem is, in my humble opinion.All this effort to 'help a kid coming from Department of Juvenile Justice from being re-committed' ends up being people in CSU saying "I don't care if he gets recommitted or not HAHAHA Parent, do what I say or I'll stick kid 'wherever'". Yeah- and 'tailored re-entry plans' What a joke- I will be reporting that one because they are receiving fed funding.

    I have started relating it to when discrimination became illegal on a fed level, then finally states got on board- local jurisdictions would take fed funding but it took YEARS before there was real change in many local jurisdictions- partly because citizens in that area didn't care, partly because the state wasn't overseeing enough, etc. Just like with Special Education laws, too - it takes FOREVER to see real change.
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I did have a proud warrior mom moment last week at that meeting. When re-entry lady admitted that they had no provisions in place to ensure a kid didn;t skip school or sneak out at night or have a better safety plan or crisis intervention than calling 911 if a kid uses a knife to rob her, I ask her how'd she feel if the 'system's' answer to that was to send umpteen people over to her group home to tell her how she should do it differently and send the kid back with some people sitting there to 'negotiate' what she could do so he would agree not to do it anymore. HA! Actually, I had a few moments like this- yeah, I know, it makes them hate me. But I'm done playing this game. If the policemen back me up - WTH is the problem? They really don't get any concept between enabling a kid/family and providing no services at all. They have bought into this behavior mod/behavior contract and see NO option in addition to that.
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I know it is a very different situation than school, but I have said a million times to people .... If behavior contracts, rewards, punishments, etc. would work, then my kid would have NO problems right now.... Of course that would be the easiest thing in the world to do, of course we tried all of that first! heck...you can even suspend all you want if it would actually make a difference. It simply doesn't work with some kids. I wish people in these places who have just as much responsibility to our kids who aren't wired that way, would accept that. Move on to new method options that do work better, or at the very least stop pushing things that dont work on us.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Did she actually have an answer for you? LOL. Im thinking we should offer to open a District 16B group home for them. That this the way they are termed here. http://www.nctreasurer.com/LGC/compsup2011/federal/93.087-2011.pdf

    here is one program I just found. I will keep looking but I have to log off now because its dark and I cant see.
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    What I don't understand is the whole suspension thing. ISS, okay. But - a kid messes up so you give him/her a vacation day/days/week? Huh?
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree, Step. And Buddy- I am one who thinks parents are able to form a behavior contract with their difficult child without the vast amount of moeny sepnt on cw's, mst, whatever. The problem isn't that- the problem is that the contract isn't effective in motivating the kid- unless tthe stakes are so high like moving back home, getting out of a "program" etc. But then what does a parent do after that? They don't have any more answers than we do from what I can see. I am speaking regarding typical parents- not the parents who really don't supervise their kids at all or try to get them help, etc.

    Now I have to start an upddate thread....