Isn't it typical? Of course he shouldn't have behaved badly, but I can just picture it - it rally does come dow to how kids are handled, and I'm just betting that when he was told "No" about ringing his dad, it was delivered curtly.
With incidents like this, I like to "run the projector backwards" to where it gets inflamed and work from there. If he had been handled more gently (even if his request seemed rude - these kids often seem disrespectful when in fact they're anxious or desperate) then would things have gone as far as they did?
The next question is - what is the aim of the school? What do they want the outcome to be? Prevention is the best aim - how do we stop this happening again? And of course, a big part of how to prevent, is for people to change how they handle difficult child. Of course he shouldn't behave so badly and he needs to make amends. but punishment for its own sake will get absolutely nowhere in terms of prevention.
Trouble is, schools too often mistake punishment for discipline. Or thye expect it to produce a positive learning outcome. And it won't, not in this case.
In my experience, school office staff seem to be the worst ones for triggering a difficult child. Obviously not always, at difficult child 3's school the office staff are lovely. But I've seen numerous other schools where the most reactive, difficult staff member was the person in the front office. At the local school here, I've known parents to be cowed by the receptionist! I've made a point of being kind to her and treating her as I would like her to treat my child. It's ironic - as children we had to learn to treat the adults around us with exgtreme respect, even when they were rude to us or talked down to us, or talked about us in a negtive way while we were still there. If we had rsponded to this as an adult would have, they would have been very angry with us and punished us for insolence. But where is the insolence really coming from?
A kid on the spectrum, for example, often has great difficulty in working out the difference in people's social position. They treat other people the same way they have been treated themselves. It's the only way they know how.
Most people in difficult child 3's world know him and understand this. But for the last two days he's had state-based exams which are supervised by someone ferom outside the school. This exam supervisor is very reactive, I noticed today. She's clearly trying to be understanding but I think inside, she's a bit scared of kids like difficult child 3 and feels a need to be seen as the person in authority.
Today (a Maths exam) she told difficult child 3, "You will need to bring your calculator over here to be checked."
difficult child 3 said, "I don't like the sound of that."
Supervisor said, "It doesn't matter what you like or not. That is the rule and I'm here to enforce the rules. You will do as you're told."
Luckily, this didn't set difficult child 3 off, although MY hackles went up and I wasn't on the receiving end. I talked briefly to difficult child 3 (to confirm why he had said that) then I went over to the supervisor quietly (by this stage she was on her own ast the other end of the room) just to reassure her.
"When difficult child 3 said he didn't like the sound of thta, he thought checking the calculator meant having it checked out by security, in case there was something dangerous hidden inside. He was worried about the possibile implications of such a need."
The supervisor smiled and relaxed. It's just that she doesn't understand him and frankly, her exposure to him is too brief to require her to get to know him. But it made me glad I had chosen to stick around within coo-ee in case I was needed.
Under different circumstances, if difficult child 3 were younger and more reactive himself (as he used to be when in a more stressful environment) then this could have escalated badly.
This sort of behaviour needs to be stopped, but the school needs to understand that the child didn't suddenly choose to be rude; he simply hasn't got the tools to know the right way to behave. The best way to handle this is to teach him the rules, give him the tools, role-play it and work with him to help him learn to improve his own responses in future. Andalso work with the staff who perhaps need to learn a softer way to deflect him from something he's not permitted to do.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
Marg
