What distance is safe?!

[dstc_99]

I really hope he doesn't lie. If he gets caught he could owe all his pay back to the military.

On the other hand I know our difficult child's will do it anyway.

As a military wife living through a major downsizing and having a husband facing losing his career because the army is overstrength I find it somewhat amusing how people think the army will take anyone and straighten them out. BUT I do realize the Army has been doing that since 911 and now they are having to clean up the mess they made. The Army is paying the price for taking in people who required multiple waivers. They have had a large increase in investigations and most of those cases have been Soldiers with multiple waivers.

I have a friend whose husband is likely to get put out of the military simply because he is only a good Major not an exceptional Major. He has three kids and a wife with severe RA. But none of his supervisors found him amazing so he is out.

The point here is that the military should not be counted on to take in difficult child's anymore. It is now much harder to get in. We might want to warn our difficult child's who say "I'll just join the military," that they won't take people with certain records (medical and illegal.) eg the friend mentioned above is devastated her middle child was officially diagnosed with Aspergers because the military is no longer doing waivers for that.


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[Albatross]

DSTC, thanks for the info. difficult child has been saying he was going to join one branch or another for several years now, usually when something else is not going well, and he doesn't follow through. I am not realistically expecting him to lie (or sign), just happy that he was thinking about the future and trying to encourage that.

On the other hand, if I really want to increase the chances of him enlisting, I will be sure to tell him all of the above reasons why he shouldn't.

 

[dstc_99]

Lol albatross that is perfect.


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[Albatross]

I wanted to give an update. As background, he is in a halfway house after leaving rehab and being unreachable for over a month. He has a job that (barely) pays his expenses at the halfway house and got himself food stamps and a free cell phone (once we cut off his phone). The last time I heard from him, he was thinking about quitting his job and joining the service but said he was going to have to lie to get in because of his stay in rehab.

Yesterday he called us on a new number to see if we wanted to visit for the afternoon. We went over to see him for a couple of hours. He is still gaining weight, still clear-eyed and engaged and seemed excited about his future, which I haven't seen in...a REALLY long time.

He was proud to tell us about his new cell phone number, a plan that he is actually paying for and a cell phone that he bought for himself. He played his new favorite song on his phone for us ("It's OK, I have unlimited data!") He told us about a situation at work, where he got "yelled at" for something he didn't do and fumed about it and wanted to quit, but he decided to talk to his boss about it and they worked it out. At lunch he offered to pay the tip and joked, "I always have lots of singles (dollar bills) for AA...that way the girls know I'm not homeless." He said he has found an AA group that he likes, all people around his age, and says he feels like he really fits in there.

He was still talking about trying to join the service and said the worst they could do if he got caught lying was kick him out. I didn't want to raise any of his rebellion instincts, but I did tell him that I thought maybe they could do more than that and that I thought being honest is always a good choice. Then I let it go.

This is the first time he told us a little bit about what happened when he was gone for that month. It wasn't easy to hear, how scared and trapped he felt, but hopefully those memories will give him pause the next time he has a hard choice to make.

I told him to please let us know what he decided to do as far as enlisting and that we were so very proud of him for all of the positive changes he's made in his life. Hope I didn't scare him off with that last part!

Not hanging onto anything other than today, because we have all been through that "express elevator to Hell" experience before. But it is very good to see him having a good day, today.

 

[Childofmine]

it is very good to see him having a good day, today.

Oh Alb! That is so great. I am so encouraged by your post. I am praying that today is good for YOU, now, post-visit. Try not to think about the what-ifs.

Just for today, he is clear-eyed and making plans.

If he enlists, and it goes well, then great. Sounds like it is his idea, and that is a plus, even though the conditions are a bit questionable. If he tries and it doesn't go well, then he will learn something.

I'm sure the military has heard it all and deals with a lot more than what he can bring.

He is living his life. You are not living it for him. You are standing back and standing down and letting him make his own choices, own successes and own mistakes.

What a gift you are giving him. Blessings and peace and do something nice for YOU today!

 

[in a daze]

Thanks for the update!

So many positive changes...a job, got food stamps and a cellphone on his own, handled a situation at work. He's doing pretty good right now!

 

[Albatross]

We had lunch with difficult child yesterday. He is still living at the halfway house, still working for the tree service. He said that it is sometimes very hard for him, at the end of the day when the crew stops to get a cold beer. I asked him what he does to cope with that, and he said he tries to think past that first beer, to realize that if he had one, he would "be stopping the dump truck at every 7-11 on the way home for another beer, cuz I can't just have one." Then he gets a Big Gulp.

This is a VERY big thing for difficult child, to think ahead that way, to think beyond the immediate pleasure or pain of something.

Today is his 60th day of sobriety. I was shouting from the rooftops and pulling the strings on those little party poppers -- ON THE INSIDE.

On the outside I just told him we were so happy to see how much better he is doing, and that we know he has worked very hard for this.

And it felt like the right amount of "fuss" to make about it. He didn't get that hard expression I have seen sometimes, when I am "too" happy for him.

When difficult child was younger I made absolutely sure he knew how wonderful I thought he was. Even when he did something wrong, I always managed to find some way of shading it to point out how wonderful he was. I excused away a lot of bad behavior that way. It was like a bottomless pit of positive self-esteem building.

Looking back, I think it was probably quite a burden, not to mention confusing and even quite frightening, to have to be that wonderful, even when he'd screwed up.

The 60 days thing is really great, REALLY great. It IS wonderful, and he truly DID do this all by himself. No matter what tomorrow brings, today he gets another chip and he knows that he earned 60 days under his belt. And calm acknowledgement feels about right, that today he's doing what he's supposed to do, what most of us just quietly do every day. As he should.

Maybe I'm starting to get that.

 

[Albatross]

We spent the afternoon with difficult child yesterday. The change in him from last week was quite noticeable. He looked very worn out, with black circles under his eyes. His jeans had mud smears all over them, his hands were filthy as if he had not washed them after working for the tree service all day and he smelled bad.

Our routine is to take him out to lunch. He couldn't decide what he wanted to order, then looked at it as if it was roadkill when it arrived. He claimed it was because his landlord made them all Easter dinner and he didn't want to be rude and not eat it, but he looked a little green around the gills all day.

I asked him how it was, getting his 60th day chip, and he seemed irritated and said, "What's to tell? I went to the front of the room and they handed it to me." His hands were shaking too, and he seemed at times like he was just managing to hold back hostile responses to benign conversation.

I've seen the tells enough times before to suspect he has been drinking again but didn't feel comfortable saying anything without knowing for sure. I so hope I'm wrong. I know this isn't easy for him and I know it's his battle to fight. Another step in the letting go process, I guess.

 

[amys3yungins]

I asked him how it was, getting his 60th day chip, and he seemed irritated and said, "What's to tell? I went to the front of the room and they handed it to me."

He didn't get that hard expression I have seen sometimes, when I am "too" happy for him.

This is exactly how my difficult child responds to me too. It is so frustrating to have these kinds of reactions when all I ever wanted was to be able to be his encourager and to be able to be proud of him. I was just talking to God this morning about this communication pattern me and difficult child share. I thought about the fact that this is how the Lord must feel when all he wants is a relationship with us and we could care less. He knows the same feeling all too well and much more I know. I hate it. It makes me feel like difficult child doesn't like me. My difficult child just got his 60 day chip too. He is in a rehab and seems to be doing well there. My husband and I go see him on Wednesday nights. Last week I took him some bus passes ( as he can attend meetings across town on the weekends), and his clothes that he had washed and left in my mom's car. He didn't seem to care. He gave no thank you. He was irritated that he had to take this small bag of clothes into the meeting. REALLY??!! And then there are times when he is less introverted and I see a glimpse of the son that I want a relationship with, a relationship I feel we have NEVER had. One day at a time, one day at a time.... I pray that God restores our difficult children in every way. It sounds like yours has been making positive changes over all lately and I really hope it continues. This site is wonderful and it reminds me I am not alone.
amys3yungins

 

[Childofmine]

Alb---I read your post about Easter and the post above that from about a week before. Hugs to you. You are doing such a great job dealing with the ups and downs of your difficult child.

Maybe Easter difficult child was struggling hard to stay the course. It must be the hardest thing in the world to do---to stop using. The book When the Servant Becomes the Master says addiction is in the part of the brain that is all about survival. It's not in the thinking part of the brain.

So it's like breathing. The urge to use is that fundamental and that basic. It is instinctive once activated and in full blown addiction.

How hard would it be to stop breathing? I can't imagine.

I know how hard I work and how hard it is for me to stop my old behaviors. I struggle and I succeed and I fail. Just like our difficult children must do, to stop using and to rebuild their lives.

Who knows what the future is? I'm glad you saw him but I hope you are okay with seeing him.

Blessings on all of us today. We are doing some really really hard stuff that most will never realize about.

 

[Albatross]

I see a glimpse of the son that I want a relationship with, a relationship I feel we have NEVER had.

Yes, me too Amy.

I saw this today: "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." - Thomas Merton

Sometimes, more lately, I find myself questioning my whole bedrock of assumptions, all the filters through which I have seen difficult child. Cedar said something on another thread about how easy it is to superimpose their toddler faces over their now adult ones. I think this is true. Once difficult child said to me in a moment of anger, "Mom, you think you know me, but you don't know me at all!" I think this is true also. I used to take such pride in seeing myself as the only one who REALLY understood difficult child, who appreciated the vulnerable, scared little boy hiding underneath all the anger and self-sabotage. I'm definitely moving from "Gee, he's so misunderstood" to "Jeez, he can be a real jerk sometimes." It's funny and surprising that saying that doesn't mean I don't love him any less, but it changes how much of my baggage I bring into it and dulls my rescue tendencies somewhat.

Who knows what the future is? I'm glad you saw him but I hope you are okay with seeing him.

Thanks COM. Yes, who knows, and I am okay with seeing him. As you and other moms have wisely said, "It is what it is."

 

[Childofmine]

I think this is true. Once difficult child said to me in a moment of anger, "Mom, you think you know me, but you don't know me at all!" I think this is true also. I used to take such pride in seeing myself as the only one who REALLY understood difficult child, who appreciated the vulnerable, scared little boy hiding underneath all the anger and self-sabotage.

We think we know them because they are our children. We did every single them for them until they could start doing for themselves. We were connected to them by many threads. For most of us, they came out of our bodies and have our DNA and our cells.

Of course we would think we know them better than anybody.

And maybe we do.

I don't think we can truly know any other person. I don't think we can truly know ourselves. Because, then, why are we surprised even at our very selves as to what we can accomplish, what we can do, what we can bear?

I used to think I was a great judge of people. Ha! I usually think most people are great, nice, honest, true, sincere.

Then I find out how they can behave. Maybe they still are all those things.

Heck, I don't know. It's one of the Great Mysteries. Who we are.

 

[Albatross]

I don't think we can truly know any other person. I don't think we can truly know ourselves. Because, then, why are we surprised even at our very selves as to what we can accomplish, what we can do, what we can bear?

,
Amen, COM. What is that line from "American Beauty," something about what a great thing it is, when we realize we can still surprise ourselves?

Thank you.