What do you think?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Jul 31, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK along the lines of the other advice thread. So we are leaving in a few days to go out of the country for a couple of weeks. My son is not coming iwth us... was not invited to come in fact. I did mention at one point that we were going but did not tell him when. Meanwhile he has not been communicating very much with me. He said at one point he would be moving but he has not confirmed that when I have asked. I checked our account and iti looks like the check for first and last months rent has been cashed but then he made a comment about the apt application. Also I have checked phone records and there seem to be a fair number of calls to his work so I am wondering if he is blowing off work. It all has red flags waving in the air to me. But I don't want to jump to any conclusions because i really don't have a clue. So I am kind of worrying about him. I know I might feel better if I saw him for myself and talked with him a little just to get an idea of where he is at.... and of course it might make me feel worse if he looks horrible. So I am thinking of texting him and saying I would like to see him and can I take him grocery shopping again? Does that sound completely nuts? I am willing to buy him some groceries, he appreciated it last time, and then at least I could get a look at him before we go. I just keep thinking what is the best way for me to let go while we are on vacation and not spend the whole time worrying about him??

  2. keista

    keista New Member

    And if he looks horrible? I think that would make you worry even more on your vacation. I know that's what it would do for me.

    I would send him a quick message saying you are leaving on X date and leave it at that. Allow him the chance to ask to see you or ask for help or not.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I think offering to take him grocery shopping is a loving thing to do and it will give you some time to evaluate where he is. Is there an aunt or uncle that he can call that he can call, if you are out of town. If he has a safety person, you will feel much better about being away.
    It's ok for the family to enjoy a vacation. No guilt required in my humble opinion.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can't truly remember about his issues so maybe I am being too cautious...if so I apologize. Based on difficult child's in general I think I would just leave a message that is pleasant but vague. Something like "Hi, as you may remember we are going on a trip soon and we just want to make sure you don't worry if you can't reach us". I don't think it's usually wise to say we are living on X and returning on Y as so many of our difficult child's see that as a huge temptation to use the house while it is empty. Maybe I've gotten a little jaded, lol.

    Since he hasn't reached out I think it might be best to just hope and pray he is fine and not arrange a meeting that could possibly cause you more worry. Whatever you do I hope it works out so you can totally enjoy the change of environment and remember what it is like to be kid free. Hugs. DDD
  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Maybe I'm a bit jaded too but I agree. And if it IS a possible issue...you may want to let the police know that you'll be gone and the ONLY person that should be at the house is whoever will be checking on thigs/housesitting.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I don't think he will come here but yes I am jaded too and plan to let the police know he should not be here. They are aware of him already so that was the plan. And in fact we are having some work done on the house while we are gone and so there will be people around and I have told them he should not be here. Given where we live it is not easy for him to get here so I really don't think he will come. If he was living around the corner then i bet he would come definitely so it is not that he is so respectful, just that it is not practical.

    I am still undecided.....
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Buying him some groceries is ok as long as you're comfortable with it. Although you should keep in mind that if he looks pretty rough when you see him it may add to the worry factor instead of reduce it. I do what I am comfortable doing, because in the end, I've got to live with myself. But I do try to keep from doing things that enable as much as possible.

    Here I've sworn multiple times I wouldn't buy katie's kids anymore clothes. Was at a yard sale yesterday......beautiful girl clothes perfect size for kayla and would be great for school. They were only charging .25 cents ea. It took me less than 10 mins to decide I could spare a dollar or two to make kayla happy and I doubted it would enable katie that much. If it does, well then it does. I get ticked when enabling her interferes with my being a Nana, dang it. I didn't buy many, but kayla will appreciate them.......and not having to be embarrassed at school.

    It irks me no end because I don't have this issue with either of the other 2 difficult children. Just katie. So, I've decided once in a while is ok, as long as I feel good about it. Because I have to balance being a parent to difficult child katie with being a grandparent to her kids.

    I hope you enjoy your time away and that you get to relax and have some fun.

  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Update: Well i had decided i would text him this afternoon and see if he wanted me to take him grocery shopping. I really feel he has been avoiding me and that is never a good sign. I also realized I would do better on our trip if I knew what i was dealing with rather than this unkown feeling. Well he beat me to it and texted me today. :) He was fired from his job :(. His girlfriend (at least I think but don't know that they are back together) told him he should tell us but he wasn't sure of the point. I texted him back and thanked him and said it was good for our relationship to let me in... and then we had some more conversation. I stayed calm, non judgemental and supportive which is all I am trying to do now. Texting is good for this because he doesn't have to see my reaction so I think it feels safer than in person or on the phone. He is moving into the apt... which is tough since now he does not have a job. I have decided that we are willing to pay his rent and buy him groceries but that is it. Defintiely no cash allowance. Hopefully he will find another job soon... its tough when you have been fired and have a felony on your record :(. But at least he is ok and is communicating with me. I feel clear on how we are willing to help which is actually a lot but it is about helping him have a roof over his head and food to eat and not live at home.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is really hard to be the mom of a difficult child isnt it?
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Yeah it really is... I was at the grocery store today and was watching a mom with a couple of young kids and was kind of waxing nostalgic in my head about the good old days when my kids were little.... and then I thought wait a minute I was tearing my hair out then too. My difficult child has NEVER been easy. It was hard when he was little but I had hopes for the future and then it just got harder.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ohhhh....the looking back...lol. Do you get out the baby pics and just thumb through them? LOL. I swear they were angels!

    I think I am getting dementia because looking back, it all doesnt seem so bad anymore...lmao!
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LOL... I remember when my son was a toddler thinking I would never miss the toddler years... the baby time yes, the older than toddler years yeah... but not the toddler or 3 or 4 year old years.... LOL I do miss them now. They seem so easy compared to now. Fact is day to day was much harder and much more intense but the problems now are much worse... and of course I can't really fix the problems anymore either.

  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I keep telling my sons (especially Jamie because his daughter is SUCH a difficult child!) that he needs to take advantage of the time before she heads off into the school years because its one thing to know in the family that you have a problem but boy is it much worse when its the whole world telling you what a pain in the ass your kid is...lol. Neither he or his wife listen to me. They shall learn one day...not in the too distant future too.
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Boy isn't that truth.... it is so hard when they start acting out in public or at school. Gosh it can be so darned embarrassing!!! But even that is not as bad as when the trouble gets to the police and courts... I mean really do normal healthy families get multiple calls in the middle of the night from the police??? I don't think so. I had to laugh I don't think I ever ever got a call from the principal when my daughter was in elementary or middle school.... but I knew the administration well with my difficult child... Got at least one call every year!!! Even in high school!! Oh geez and my first call from the police was when he was in the 5th grade!!! Families without difficult children have no idea. And then you hear people complaining because their kid didn't work hard enough in school and got a B in a class!!!! Please!!!
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think I'm a tad off my nut, because I miss it all, gfgdom included. Or else I've just grown so accustomed to gfgdom that when I see similar behavior in the grands it makes me laugh instead of run away. lol Or else it's because they live in someone elses house. lmao

    I didn't mind them young. The teen years were rough, well ok some of it was just a plain nightmare, but when they were little it wasn't so bad. I was exhausted most of the time.....but man was I skinny! All that chasing. :rofl:
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have to laugh now myself. Just this past Saturday, Tony and I were shopping in the local Big Lots and turned around and suddenly my eyes met someone I hadnt seen in probably close to 15 years....one of the boys elementary school principals! We both locked eyes and instantly realized who each other were...lol. This was the principal Cory locked in his own office when he was 6!

    He asked me how the boys were doing and he simply couldnt believe how old they were...lol. He told stories of them in school and remembered how he had gone to visit Jamie in the hospital...he also went to Difficult Child with Jamie in 4th grade and Jamie was his roomie. He said he always really loved those boys...lol. Funny thing...he was at the dance recital that Keyana was in and he asked someone about that "cute, little Shirley Temple girl"....lol.

    This man was distantly related to my boys on Tony's mothers side. She was a Sampson and he is a Sampson. He went on and on about how talented Keyana was and told me he now owns an entertainment, advertising, and art production company now and to let him know when she gets back into town. LOL. He always wanted me to get my boys into modeling...maybe he can get her into it...lol.

    He was always the one school person who never put Cory down. He treated him as if he had an IEP even before we got one.
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One call a year???? I got one call or note home a week, sometimes twice a week.

    Recently I was looking back on the folders of info I kept on easy child and difficult child during their school years. easy child's was filled with awards and nice notes from teachers and administrators. difficult child's was filled to the brim with notes home to us on her inappropriate behavior or detention slips. There was not one award or encouraging note in there.

  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I shold have said af least one call from the principal a year. There were usually more. And that was from the principal...doesnt include the notes and calls from the teachers! Lol. Point is the school administration knew me and knew me well from any school he went to. The only reason the hs where my daughter goes knows me is because of my son!!!

    Those calls from the principal started in kindergarten! So yeah his gfgdom didnt start with his drug use. Wish ihad kown about this site way back when.