What to do, what to do

[Sickntired]

My difficult child has decided he does not need to go to school. He has a very well laid out plan. He simply refuses to work. He won't comply, they send him to the office and then they send him home. Bingo - works for him. He said then, they will send him to the alternative school, and he will do the same thing and get kicked out of there. Then,he just won't have to go to school at all. I tried telling them not to let him come home. Make him stay, even if he just twiddles his thumbs, but then he does somethign to get himself in more trouble, something he knows they will not tolerate, then they will send him home.

I am at my wit's end on the school thing. He will sit there and absolutely do no work. He has an IEP. Reduced work load, special cue cards to leave the room if frustrated, etc. He won't take advantage of any of this. He just flat refuses to do anything. Now, they want to "Home bound" him after he got 3 referrals in one day (he's off his medication for now - I told them this, but It didn't matter). I can't make him work either. I honestly just think he is lazy. He is actually very smart. The work is difficult for him, but he can do it. He has all of these opportunities placed in front of him so he can succeed and he just WILL NOT let anyone help him. Do any of you have older children (he's 14) that simply REFUSE to do their work? What do you do. WE can take everythign away from him and he just does not care, as long as he wins the school war. HELP.

:hammer: :smile: :crazy:

 

[Hound dog]

What the heck ever happened to in school suspension???

:smile:

 

[smallworld]

A few thoughts:

First, if these problems cropped up after being taken off medication, it's likely a medical problem, not laziness.

Second, the school can't keep sending him home. That's a violation of his right to a free and appropriate public education (FAPE).

Third, his IEP is obviously not working the way it's written. You need to call a new IEP meeting. For more info on how to handle the school, you might want to post on the Special Education 101 board. The moderators Martie and Sheila are very knowledgeable and will give you good advice.

Good luck.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

I do know that when difficult child 2 decided to play this fun game I ended up going to school with him for a month. Not something I enjoyed but I did it. Not sure if you are able or not or if it would work for you but he didn't like it one bit. husband took a couple of turns so I could make appointments.

We then revamped his whole IEP.

Good luck with whatever you try. I homeschooled for a year and a half also. That was way more than I liked. For me it was easier to go to the school and help them with the battle than do the whole battle myself.

Beth

 

[ck1]

I completely agree with SmallWorld, excellent points there. Especially the second one. When we had problems (mostly grades) with our son during the second quarter last year, we just pulled him out and sent him to boarding school, that was not the best thing to do and shouldn't have been the first thing to do. They should have noticed that his grades went from a 2.5 to a .64 in one quarter and he was late several days per week! Now I know that the school should have stepped in to help us because if they weren't "meeting his needs" at the public school, it is their responsibility to make sure that his needs, an education, are met. They must pay for and transport him to an appropriate school.

We did have problems with my son getting up and going to school and also with him doing the work, but he never got kicked out or sent home. I know talking with your difficult child may not work because many times our G'sFG need to experience things the hard way before they believe us. But, maybe you could explain to him that school is not an option. He will attend school, somewhere, because that is the law. The more he fights going to this school where he has the most freedoms, the more of those freedoms will be taken away. I don't know where you live, but there are many alternative education schools around here that I knew NOTHING about!

I would contact the Director of Special Education when scheduling the next IEP meeting and also to find out about alternatives. Also, look in your area for a Mental Health Association for an advocate for your son. We haven't used it yet because my son is at an Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), but over the Summer I got a MH Advocate for him who has a lot more experience that I do with IEP's. He would have been with us when writing the IEP then went to the school occasionally to be sure that it was being followed.

One more thought...what happened to truacy officers??? Or something of that sort? Let your difficult child know that people really do get in trouble for not going to school. When my son was in the detention center, there was another kid there for probation violation, but the reason he was on probation was truacy!

 

[busywend]

I just keep reminding my difficult child that she will get the lovely prize of yet another year of school if she does not do the work to pass the grade. She still does the bare minimum, but what can you do? You can not put the pencil in their hand. There will be natural consequences to these actions.
We know the consequences and it paralyzes us to think of just what it means for them.

 

[Indianamomof4]

What does he say he wants to do? Did you ask him his plan? Let's say, fine, he does not go back to school. What's his plan then? I think teenagers, especially young ones, really don't understand later consequences of their actions, that are usually self-serving to the nth degree, you know?

Maybe you can pose some scenarios to him, just to see if he truly grasps the consequences of what might happen. If he needs medications and is not medicated, I'm not sure how communicative he will be, but it's worth a try.

Although my kids are very young, scare tactics sometimes work. For example, when my oldest (10, but arrogant and independent like someone twice his age) claimed he did not want to go to school again, I took him over by our Juvenile detention facility. I found an officer (a friend of a friend) who was willing to talk to him (he brought another officer with him for dramatic purposes) and potentially take him inside the facility for "tour". He was scared.

I've also taken him (and the others) by the homeless shelter after the people have to leave for the day. They scatter around the building all day, some with their stuff in carts, some looking strug out, haggard... I remind them all that their education can keep them out of living like this, that their education is so important that they can even grow up and work for the government to change situations like they see there and on TV.

Just an idea.... sometimes it's such a power fight with teens (and kids) that they need a real dose of reality instead of a struggle with words.

 

[Sara PA]

Do you know why he is determined to get kicked out of school? The really reason, not the bravado reason.

 

[Sickntired]

Thank all of you for your input and ideas. He has let a couple of things slip. He doesn't like "they way they treat him". You are right, his IEP does not work. At the present time, he is off his mood stabilizer. He had a bad reaction to it. We go to the doctor in the morning and I am saying my night time prayers he will put him on something else. But he has been on so many, and Invega was the ONE that worked and worked well. Even with the Invega, he still hates school, but he is much, much easier to deal with. Right now, everything is a battle. Funny, I used to think the medicine didn't work, but seeing him off of it, wow, he simply cannot function without it. He so wants to be "normal". I think that is a lot of it. He hates taking medicines, he hates having the extra help, and so on and so on. He has absolutely no plans for a future, except this grandiose thinking that he is going to be a dirt bike professional. Reasoning does not work at all. Scare doesn't work at all. He simply does not care. I know for a fact that I could not home school him. Believe me, I have pondered it over and over, trying to figure out what would be in his best interest. He has been "labeled" with this since grade school, and it just follows him year to year. I used to jokingly think they had secret meetings after each school year to warn his upcoming teachers about him. :rofl:But seriously, I am really worried about him. I just can't get the "want to" to take over in him. I have told him, the bottom line is, it is a law. You HAVE to go to school. You can either go to this one, where you do have some freedom and there are tons of people trying to help you, OR you will be put in one where you have no choices. The outcome is the same, you will go to school. Wouldn't it be easier to do it the easy way? You can imagine what the reply was. I have considered going to school and "shadowing him" becaue I know he would hate that. I just hate to get in those conflicts in front of people. Oh, the joys of raising these children!!!! My mother-in-law used to say "When they are little they step on your toes, when they are big they step on your heart." How true.

 

[Marguerite]

Seriously, how good is he at dirt bike? Can you do a deal with him, to produce a certain level of accomplishment in exchange for being taken to various dirt bike comps? If he really IS as good as he thinks he still will need other skills. He might be more compliant, though, if he can see himself achieving in something else. And as HE sees he needs something, he will be more inclined to work on it.

And if he discovers he's not as good a dirt bike as he would need to be - then logically he HAS to turn back to schoolwork, at least as an interim option.

Marg

 

[Kathy813]

I don't know what the answer is either. I do know that all the IEP's in the world won't work if a 14 year old student flatly refuses to cooperate in any fashion.

~Kathy

 

[Sickntired]

You hit the nail on the head. He flatly refuses to cooperate in any manner. I can see their frustration. There are some things I can make him do, but this, for some reason, I cannot get him to even consider. He has his mind set. What a waste. He actually is very smart, just has these off the wall ideas and will not listen to reason. He digs his heels in and prepares for the ride. He does not care what the consequence is. HE DOES NOT CARE PERIOD. :crazy: