What works for Sandi in SC

Posted in the General forum: Sucess with a change in parenting strategy from Sandy SC:

A dear sweet lady (yes, you Lyz) has given us some suggestions that are working,, She got her help from "pico". She made us realize to come to certain conclusions about difficult child, and her efforts in helping us are working. Thx again Lyz,, ( and pico for helping Lyz) Basically,, my difficult child has respect for others and totally NONE for us, her parents.. It was explained to me (as simple as it sounds) that if MA has enough control to NOT show this side of her in front of others, then she HAS enough control not to treat her the way she does.. we have stopped being difficult child's "whipping post"!! And we are putting our foot down... here is what is working for us (please keep in mind difficult child is very good for others,, not for us, so this maybe wont help those who difficult child's are totally defiant to everyone)..
THE MINUTE difficult child begins to show disrespect in her voice to us, I get "right slap dab in her face" like a drill sargeant and say "you will not treat us with disrespect in any manner, we will not allow it at all, do you understand?? ( I should have capitalized those words to punctuate my authoritism in my voice, but I hope you get the picture) difficult child is 'shocked" and says "yesman", and boom, its all over with,,, on ocassion I might have to say it twice, but rarely. Then after the "episode", I go back to being the "dang nicest mom you ever saw"... We were told to reinforce every "good thing" she did,, even if it was a week ago, and compliment difficult child on every moment she does soemthing good and we have and its working.. Sounds so simple doesnt it.. I thought it wouldnt work, but by gosh, it does, so far.!! In the last couple of days, difficult child has been so "giving" and caring. and we compliment her on it every single time. This is quite a big difference for all of us. We told difficult child that Since she has the control to "NOT" show others disrespect, then she has control not to show us disrespect and that we were not taking it anymore,, She said "yesmam"... oh, gosh, it sounds so simple. and many have tried and it doesnt work for them. But this post is about what is working for us.. and we are so pleased... Its only been a couple of days (yea, I know what your thinking,,smile) but I truly feel this is a big turning point in our lives. Its been remarkable. Alex (husband) is "impressed" with the changes, heck we all are.. Even difficult child sees the difference. But that "drill sargeant bit" slap dab in her face, gets the point across, and life has been good.. She has spent NO time in "time out", no spankings, I havent lost my cool, and life is good ((I am updating this on Friday night because I feel "it" is important too, WE ARE CHANGING OUR EATING HABITS. We were "EXTREME junk food junkies,, now we are just "junk food junkies" with-good food inbetween<> Am starting to cut out red dyes, sugars, carbs, taking regular vitamins,, (like that should be a big deal, but we didnt do it before, duh !) So,, thanks to all who helped in sharing the health aspect of all of this,, we are in a world of fast foods and preservatives. Just cutting back on the sweets has "proven itself to be helpful"..... Alex and I are going to concentrate on these successfull efforts and I am taking a break from this board. I hope all of you will continue to welcome the newcomers, they need all of you so much,, just like I did when I found this safe haven. Your comforting words of sharing "I know your pain" is what they need ..Sandie in SC

[This message has been edited by Joes Mom (edited 01-23-2000).]

Member posted 12-01-1999 06:25 AM

Greatings support team. Just an update here from S.C,. Daughter has progressed nicely with the drill sergeant method of "no backtalking, no disrespect" allowed. Also alot of positive reinforcement for her good behavior such as unexpected hugs complimenting her on "her new self", "how much happier our family without all the rebellion", "I knew you could do it", "we are sooo proud of you".. Sounds so simple but yet it's taken so long for her to realize it. She still has her moments, thats for sure, but they are less frequent and they don't last nearly as long as they used to. We have just returned from visiting husband's relatives in Knoxville, Morgan Ali has always been "perfect" for them, therefore making it hard for them to understand what we were going thru here at home. MA (initials for daughter) tried her rebellion a couple of times with us when family members were in another room, she quickly learned that no matter where we are, the "drill sergeant" technique does not change. I also threatened to get her grandmother (dear sweet woman) in the room so she could see MA display her disrespect to us. MA quickly would say "no".. All this just reinforces' the fact that MA CAN control her behavior, and we must continue to work hard to change her pattern she uses with us.
Thanks to all who have helped us use this technique, its working in our home....

difficult child: Morgan Ali (female-9yo ) diagnosis'd with-ODD/ADHD. medications: ADDERAL & RITILIN..
ME: 43, ADHD/ODD-bipolar medications: elevil & valium
husband: 49. triple B personality, 14 years of my being blessed with him.

MA is finally showing signs of controlling her anger after I began the "drill sergeant technique" and LOTS of verbal positive reinforcement. I believe we started early enough in her life to make a change for the better..