When you just don't like them anymore

[JJJ]

I don't like Kanga anymore. Her selfishness has just pushed me completely away. Part of me feels bad, but most of me is detached. Everything always has to revolve around her wants. Today she tricked husband into buying matching bracelets for her and I as my mother's day gift. I hate bracelets and she is not suppose to be getting anything because of everything she broke in the last month -- she still owes me $32 for repairs. All she talked about at my mom's today was how she had made plans to go shopping with her friends. When people quit listening, she demanded that she be taken home to watch tv because she was bored with the family.

I'm sending her away for as much of the summer as I can. My other children and I deserve some normal summerhood joys. I've applied for 3 grants to send her to overnight camp. We heard back from the first one and she has been approved to spend 12 days at an out of state camp YIPPEE!! The other grants, if approved, will give her 3 one week overnight stays. We're going to put her in day camps the remaining 8 weeks and hopefully get respite at least 1 night per week.

I'm looking forward to spending the summer with my other 3, but I'd love to be able to afford to send her away to an all summer camp. I know I should feel bad about wanting her gone but she has been so horrible.

 

[neednewtechnique]

I know what you mean, sort of, anyway... my husband's sister's husband offered to take her to California for two weeks, (he is a truck driver and goes there all the time, two weeks on, two weeks off) I think this would be a great opportunity for her to get away for a while with TRUSTWORTHY supervision and give us a break and MOST IMPORTANTLY give us some time to spend with the other children...as they deserve to have a few weeks or NORMALCY since EVERYTHING got turned upside down in January when our difficult child moved in with us!!!

 

[DazedandConfused]

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I'm sending Daughter to camp for two weeks at the end of July. I wish I could afford longer. Before she quit band, I sent her to band camp in the summer. Though I want her to enjoy herself and maybe learn something. My primary motivation, however, is to simply get her out of my hair, even if it's for only two weeks.

husband is taking son on the road with him for two weeks right after the end of school. Hopefully, he will take him again before school starts up again.My Mom and Stepfather plan on taking the difficult children on two short trips this summer.

It's all about preserving my sanity.

 

[Wiped Out]

I can totally relate. Sometimes our difficult children are hard to like. If I could afford overnight camps difficult child would be there. We will send him to 4 weeks of day camp. It won't be consecutive weeks but it will have to do. In addition my dad and his wife will hopefully take him for a week. I look at it as much needed respite and don't feel guilty.

 

[timer lady]

JJJ,

While I love my tweedles, there are many times I do not like them. The manipulation & "charm factor" make me crazy. There is nothing charming about some of the antics that kt or wm pull.

I do get respite at least once a month, so that helps.

Enjoy the breaks this summer. Let go of the guilt.

 

[Mikey]

Okay, I'm starting to think there's some weird psychic thing going on with this group... :hypnosis:

wife and I just had this conversation over the weekend as well. We've both come to the point where we really, really dislike our son most of the time, but yet we still love him very much. The internal conflict can be so painful....

I think "liking" is based on attraction, shared interests or concerns, and a genuine desire to share someone elses company.

Loving, however, is committment to the wellbeing of another person, even if it means sacrifice on your part.

At one point, I use to think the opposite of love is hate. But according to my psychiatrist friend, "hate" is the opposite of "like", not "love". Apathy is the opposite of love. So I guess it's not so hard to understand actually hating my son when the pothead demon is in posession, yet still loving him at the same time. Learning to understand and separate the two, though, is something I'm still struggling with.

This is also a point that, unfortunately, I had to make clear to my difficult child this Sunday (yes, on Mother's Day). He was "acting the fool" again, and decided that he would spend Mother's day with his girlfriend's family (and her mother). Never said one word to wife all day except to ask if he could leave. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I loved him, would always love him, but that I didn't like him very much at that point.

I also went through this same thing with my grandfather during his last few years of cancer before he passed, so at least I have some experience with this. wife, on the other hand, never has, so the love/like conflict is tearing her up. We'll make it through, though, as I hope the rest of us here at CD will.

I guess it's just that Mother's Day (and Father's Day) are the two days where we're forced to remember our children, both as they were and as they are. And that makes it especialy tough for parents of difficult child's on these days.

Mikey

 

[wakeupcall]

Mikey, I went through this with my mother during her last year of cancer, also. It was heart-wrenching.....and I'm still suffering from some of it. And yes, loving, but not liking our difficult children is very similiar to that. I've signed my son up for two three-week summer school sessions that will focus on social development as opposed to all academia. It's three weeks school, off two, then three weeks again. Much of it is to get him away from me...and what kind of mother am I for that?

 

[mstang67chic]

I think Mikey is right because the timing of this thread could not have been more right on. Do I love my son? Yes. Do I want to spend anymore time with him than is absolutely necessary right now? Nope. It's always our fault if they don't get their way, we're supposed to entertain them at all times, they can piddle around when we ask them to do something but when they ask us to do something we're just supposed to drop everything and jump.

I'm just so tired of feeling like this towards my child. I know there are things out of his control but there is a alot that is within his control if he would put some honest effort into his own life. THAT'S what gets me. He has no desire to put any effort whatsoever into his own life but yet wants the freedoms that come with getting older. Yet he does't/won't realize that you have to earn those freedoms. People tell me that it's only one more year till he's 18. Yes but what does that mean? He's still not going to be prepared to live on his own. He's not willing to do what he needs to do so where does that leave us all? Once he's 18 are we just supposed to toss him out of the boat and see if he sinks or swims? More than likely he's going to sink and when that happens, it will be our fault once again. But when I think about him living with us for another two or three years I just shut down. People don't understand when I say I just want my life back. I'm not talking about the freedoms that come with no kids in the house. I'm talking about things like being able to leave my belongings lying around MY house and not have to worry about them being destroyed or taken. I'm talking about being able to live in my own home and not have to use the deadbolt on my bedroom door.......NORMAL things that a lot of parents take for granted.

Sorr about that little rant. Lately it has all just seemed to build up and there's nothing I can really do about it.

 

[Shari]

I'd tell you to not feel guilty, but that does no good. I know, I feel the same way.

difficult child 1 leaves for boot in a couple of months, and my world with regards to him revolves around my imaginary advent-like calendar, counting days til that happens.

I love him dearly. I can't stand to live with him any longer.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Mstangchic,
we "threw" our dtr out at age 18 and she did have to sink or swim--amazing how someone so dysfunctional and helpless learned how to take care of herself! I think for the most part these difficult children are survivors--they know how to use others to get their needs met. It most certainly will not be your fault if you make him leave and he sinks--painful but not your fault! Also, if you can't live in your house without him crossing all normal boundaries then he needs to go. I sure think you should hang on to the thought that he will be 18 in a year--you don't really have to keep living like this.
Hugs,
Jane

 

[everywoman]

"People don't understand when I say I just want my life back. I'm not talking about the freedoms that come with no kids in the house. I'm talking about things like being able to leave my belongings lying around MY house and not have to worry about them being destroyed or taken. I'm talking about being able to live in my own home and not have to use the deadbolt on my bedroom door.......NORMAL things that a lot of parents take for granted."

Amen!

 

[wakeupcall]

AMEN from me, too!

 

[JJJ]

Exactly! Piglet's birthday is coming up and her one wish -- a coded lock for her bedroom door so she can lock her siblings out and not have to worry about them picking the lock. How sad is that ;(

 

[rejectedmom]

been there done that all of it. I no longer have any guilt. So for all of you out there that are still wrestling with this, it will get easier.
My difficult child is out and not under good circumstances but the almost year that he has been out of my home has shown me one real and guiltless truth. I do not ever want to live that way again and thankfully my husband is on the same page. I do not hate my son I love him with my whole heart. I even like him because he has some wonderful traits also. The physical distance allows us to sort through all this confusion of thoughts and feelings we have no time to unravel when they are under our roof. So wheather it be camp or respice or permanent living arrangements that you are considering have no guilt. It is healthy to want off the battlefield. Your desires to get away from the source of your stress are only your mind/body seeking a state of good health.
-RM

 

[wakeupcall]

What a wonderful way to put it, RM. Sometimes we just need one of you to set us straight. I, for one, am very grateful!

 

[Mikey]

"People don't understand when I say I just want my life back. I'm not talking about the freedoms that come with no kids in the house..."

I, too, want my life back. While I've never experienced the problems other members of the board have with theft, violence, or other threatening behavior, I remember a time when we all got along. I remember a time when my son was happy (even for the two sneaky years when he was stoned, and we didn't know it). I remember a time when we all liked to be together. I remember when my difficult child was my daughter's best friend, because she was the complete opposite of her other brother.

I remember a time when, as my difficult child grew older, I saw talents in him that made me proud to be his dad, and I eagerly looked forward to the young man he would become.

But that's all gone. My difficult child son is not my son anymore, he's a stranger. My daughter now rapidly deteriorates into fits of anger about the smallest thing having to do with difficult child. My older son, after trying (in an obtuse way) to warn me for years about what was happening, finally gave up, grew up, and became a man with his own life direction when I wasn't looking. wife and I try to juggle all this, keep the shreds of our family somehow tied together, and keep our marriage stable.

I just want my life back, too. I want my happy, noisy, arguing, and loving family back. But I don't think I'm going to get it. Maybe I'll get another life, though I don't know what it will be.

A friend told me on Saturday to "Let Go and Let God". Looks like I'll get that chance now (not that I have any other choices ) A chapter is turning, and we'll see what the next page holds.

Mikey

 

[Crazy-Steph]

I completely understand, too. My son came to me when he was three. I thought at the time, "Oh my God. What a horrible mother." While I still think she was a horrible mother (she also gave up her first son and has never even called my difficult child since she gave him us), I can actually kind of understand why she wanted out. He was a handful even then. Maybe she saw something the rest of us were in denial about.

I have never had that normal family life since I got married. What is it like? I see my friends having it and am ashamed to admit that I am jealous. I really only enjoy myself when I am with my easy child's. There are times that difficult child will go fishing with husband, and I think how happy just the three of us (me and easy child's) could be if we were just left by ourselves. When difficult child goes to Nanny's for three weeks during the summer, I sometimes pretend that we are a happy family. Then I feel bad because I don't really miss him while he is gone. The house is quiet and beautiful. I want to miss him, and I DO love him, I just don't like to be around him.

I hope that doesn't sound too terrible. But I think you guys will understand. I know that no one else understands.

 

[WNC Gal]

The other challenging aspect of coping with our kids is how a Borderline (BPD) can play off the two parents against one another. We are just now beginning to understand the "splitting" behavior - and can see patterns where we are loved and admired by her and alternately disprespected and almost hated (and not at the same time!).

Also - it wears us out to contemplate what percentage of darling daughter's situation is behavioral (choices she has made) vs. biological (out of her control). It makes a HUGE difference in how you view your child - as a nurturing mom (probably an unintentional "enabler") - I tend to view the past nine months as some horrible biochemical nightmare going on in her head and she is just along for the freakish rollercoaster ride. Her dad, on the other hand, while he truly loves her, tends to see the past nine months as merely manipulative, willful avoidance of responsibility - basically ALL choices she has made. I know it is likely somewhere in the middle - even her psychiatrist has started asking our daughter if she feels her "crashes" are biological or behavioral. But asking an extremely clever and highly intelligent kid to self-diagnose is a recipe for more manipulation! She even charms the socks off her treatment team at the hospital and has them bending the rules for her!

I feel guilty about looking forward to her getting longer term out of home residential care - but I also acknowledge that we tried and were unable to help/cope with her on our own - she really needs that help! And we need to be focusing on our two easy child kids for once!

A good friend of mine who works with kids said to remember that she is your same loving child who happens to suffer from these psychiatric issues - she is not a psychiatric case. And that she is doing the best she can with the tools she has now.

 

[wldinnh]

My difficult child's dad and I are divorced and share 50/50 custody. I woke up one night in a panic thinking "OMG, if he dies I'll have difficult child fulltime and I really think I will lose my mind!" Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday nights, and all day Sunday, are so restful. I find myself getting anxiety sometimes late Sunday afternoons realizing she'll be back in a few hours and wondering how the night is going to play out. I feel so awful about it, but then it's normal to want to remove yourself from unpleasant, stressful situations. Just sad when the "situation" is your child.

 

[guest3]

wepl being difficult child II wants to kill me and difficult child I is just plan ole nasty, I can say I don't like my difficult child"s these days AT All And I seriously could see how some Mom's just "poof" disappear!