Where do I begin??? Please help....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beyondstressed, Jun 15, 2014.

  1. Beyondstressed

    Beyondstressed New Member

    Hi everyone. I'm a newbie and I've been reading all the posts here. I'm desperate for answers. My 30 yr old difficult child Borderline (BPD) daughter has been living with-us since she gave birth to my beautiful gd. She was a pretty good mom for the first 2 years, but she had a tremendous amount of help from her then boyfriend, myself and my sister. Since then things have Ben going downhill in a big way. She's been having constant panic attacks (probably from abusing amphetamines). She has stolen checks and cash from both myself and my husband, as well as taking and using my credit card with-o permission. She has stolen jewelry from me in the past as well. She has been unable to care for her daughter in a healthy way for months now.

    Now for a little background. Our difficult child began acting out when she was 14. It was like metamorphosis had set in and she was no longer the sweet little girl I knew. She began leaving the house in the middle of the night; leaving school as soon as we dropped her off; drinking and being promiscuous. We tried to get help for her through individual and group counseling. The counselors though were totally ineffective, and made us feel we were responsible for her behavior. She would yell and curse us out during these sessions, and the therapist wouldn't intervene. She began hanging out with kids that we're much older than her, and we just didn't know how to control her. We finally sent her to a private behavioral high school for 18 months.
    She got her diploma and a good education, but she never forgave us for sending her there

    Years later she became addicted to prescription pain killers. She stole from her employer and she was fired. She became pregnant with her then boyfriend while addicted to painkillers. She was able to wean herself off them during her first few months in therapy and went to out-patient rehab. She stayed clean for about 2 years, and then things began to go downhill again.

    We recently kicked her out for stealing from me. 5 days later she came back with her tail between her legs, so we let her come back with the stipulation that she never do it again. So what does she do? To show her graditude for being able come back home, she proceeds to steal from us again. She is also a pathological lier, and we literally can't believe a word she says.

    Our dilemma is what should we do about our dear gd, whom my ds, husband and I have been taking care of. She's become more attached to us than her mom, although she really misses her. We're afraid to let her dad know, because we fear he'll try to get custody. He only sees his daughter every other weekend and lives 2 hours from us. We also question why she screams and cries when he comes to pick her up. You would think she would be happy to see her dad. She's already exhibiting some attachment issues; and if he was to take her away, it would be a huge trauma for her.

    We are truly at wits end. We honestly not sure what to do...any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.:panicsmiley:
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Are you willing to fight for custoday? She WILL get attachment disorders if she is passed from person to person.

    Warning: Dad will have the priority over you. Can you talk to him about it? It doesn't sound like he is very invested in her and doesn't see her much. Maybe he will let you have custody if he can visit her or have visitation. Ditto for daughter. Unless she is a proven danger to her child, and caught using drugs, you have an uphill battle. On the plus side, if you can afford a lawyer and they can't, you have an advantage. You need to start documenting the signs of abuse from Dad and Mom. The court will want proof. Unfortunately, everyone's word, without proof, is just hearsay. But I'd go for it anyway. He needs you. You have a chance if he has been in your care for six months. THEN you, as a grandparent do matter. Start a paper trail. Did you call the police on your daughter so there is a record of illegal behavior? Any other police calls, such as her attacking you or the child? What about Dad? Has she been arrested for amphetymine abuse? Has he? My son just finished a custody battle and won and it is all about that paper trail.

    I would not want daughter living at home again and she is obviously and sadly not able to be the mother that your grand needs.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2014
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    welcome I agree with MWM you are going to want to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible if going for custody; and you don't want to tip your daughter or the dad off to what you are doing.

    sending hugs and good thoughts

  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Beyondstressed, welcome. I don't think you can avoid each step on the road in front of you. Since your granddaughter does have a father, he will have to be involved. If he isn't fit either, you will have to work through that in time.

    I have learned a lot over the years about what I can and can't control. We can't control other people. We can't control the police, or the courts, or judges or any other people, places and things. We can only control ourselves and that is a full time job.

    You can't fix your granddaughter's world to be like you would wish it could be for her. She was born to a drug addict, it sounds like, your daughter, and that is what it is.

    Accepting what is---reality---and working from there will be helpful for you to start with.

    You obviously care so much for your granddaughter, and I hope you will start taking the necessary legal steps to see what is possible to give her the best possible life. Remember, along the way, to take care of yourself, set boundaries with people like your daughter, and take one day and one step at a time. It is likely to be a long road.

    Hugs to you today.
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is a sad situation when children are involved. I wish you the best.
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    That is just how it happened with our daughter too. Our daughter is 40, now. She has had times when she functioned beautifully, and times which were hellish.

    I agree with the previous posters. Above all, it is what it is. If you begin with Social Services in your area, you will learn a little more about grandparents' rights in your state, and about how to proceed from here. You do not need to give your name. This can be just an exploration of possibilities for you. Look in the blue pages or Government section of your phone book under Social Services. Tell whoever answers the phone what you would like to talk about, and they will connect you to the appropriate person. When husband and I checked into taking our granddaughter, it even turned out there was a monthly stipend that would go with her, even though we live in another state.

    Always, it is best to treat both parents with respect if possible. Whatever has happened to them, both love their child, and want what is best for her.

    I agree.

    I am sorry this is happening to you. I know how painful it is.

  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter and your granddaughter. Beyondstressed welcome.

    You're in a terrible position. I've been in the position you're in and I now have guardianship for my granddaughter who just graduated from HS and is leaving for college in August. It's been a long journey.

    I agree with the other members, accepting what is is the most important step any of us have to take. And, it's the most difficult. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it is informative and helpful.

    Whatever you decide to do, along the way, it is imperative that you receive support. If you suspect your daughter has mental or emotional issues NAMI may be of help to you. They are the National Alliance on Mental Illness, can be accessed online, have chapters mostly everywhere and have excellent courses for us parents to learn tools to cope with our adult kids and their shenanigans. You need support. You might also try Al Anon, or Narc anon, CoDa, or Families Anonymous, private therapy, a parent group, someplace you can vent, get empathy and understanding and learn the tools of detachment so you can begin to learn acceptance. Otherwise you will rattle around in a maze your daughter created, worried, resentful, angry, sad and devastated.

    We have to learn how to respond to them differently. We have to learn how to take care of ourselves and focus on our needs. When we accomplish that, we are in a much better position to make the hard choices necessary.

    This is a cruel landscape for us to be on, we are forced to make choices that would otherwise be foreign and reprehensible to us. We need to have safe places to just let go and get support so we can soldier through it all and find some kind of resolution and acceptance.

    Continue to post here, it helps. I'm glad you found us. Stay the course. I wish you peace of mind.........