Why are people mean?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Wiped Out, Dec 8, 2013.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Why are people so mean?

    A bit of background: My mom is moving in early January to an independent living place that is attached to an assisted living place and a nursing home. She can't move around much and walks with a walker. She has fallen quite a bit and it will be good for her to be where she is going. My mom has always had mental health issues and isn't the easiest person to get along with but has a big heart. She also has very little self esteem.

    Yesterday my brother & his wife and husband, difficult child, and I went to help her pack. For us it is about a 2 1/2 hour drive and for them about an hour. We got a lot packed up but did not completely finish. Mom gave one of her tables and a desk to the neighbor ("friend") next door.

    This lady is not a very nice lady but Mom considers her a friend.

    Today: Mom calls me in tears sobbing. Her "friend" told her that she is a huge inconvenience to her kids and that we couldn't afford to be coming and helping her pack. She told mom she doesn't listen to anyone and that she wouldn't be able to fit 1/2 of her stuff in her new apartment. My mom, who has very little self esteem believed everything and called to apologize.

    I was so angry! I told my mom that she needs to stop inviting that woman over. She has done similar things before. I was able to calm her (after about 30 minutes) but I know she was still upset. Even difficult child talked to her and tried to calm her. I also told my mom that there is probably a reason why this woman's 10 brothers and sisters want nothing to do with her.

    What I can't figure out is why this woman who made incorrect inferences felt the need to share them with my mom. Who does that?

    I wish my mom could just move now so she wouldn't have to deal with this woman anymore!

    Thanks for listening; this just had me so upset I needed to vent. I was actually in tears for awhile after the phone call.
  2. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Sounds like her "friend" has her own mental health issues. How unfair to prey on your mom's feelings like that. I'm glad that you were able to get your mom calmed down. I hope she loves the new place!
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    People can be so cruel sometimes. I know out of the goodness of your mom's heart, she wants to be patient and loving to this woman, but she is not showing loving kindness at all in return. I'm glad you were able to talk your mom out of that nonsense. I think you may want to gently speak to the neighbor and ask her to be careful about what she says to your mom, as she is so sensitive (that's a little nicer than saying "mind your own business!").
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Calamity Jane is much nicer than I am, I would tell the mean neighbor to mind her own business.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm so sorry! As if moving to assisted living isn't a huge enough life change in itself.
    I would be very tempted to bite off the neighbor's head, but it's best to leave her alone.
    The good news is that there are going to be so many more people in your mom's immediate vicinity when she moves, she'll have so many real friends she won't know what to do with them all. :)
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    WOW there is a difference between telling it like it is and kicking someone around. Sometimes I am known for trying to tell it like it is. Of course I'm not always right but when told I am wrong I am also the first to apologize. I never in any case do it with malice.

    This woman on the other hand seems like she likes to instigate and knows your mom is a soft target. Sad how people who are so unhappy in their own lives feel the need to make others miserable.
  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Is there any possibility that your mom "heard" more than was actually said by the woman? We do all do this sometimes, particularly when self esteem is low. Have you heard the woman herself talking this way?

    Of course, your mom was upset and that has upset you. It is hard to see people we love suffering.
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry this woman upset your mom so much. I think it's very sweet that difficult child even tired to "talk her down". Glad you were able to do the damage control - I guess mom can't move away from her neighbor fast enough!
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are some people who are drawn to the vulnerable because they feel powerless themselves. I am glad your mom is moving away from her. I hope she enjoys the assisted living facility and all of the new friends she will make when she is there.
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hugs to you and your mom, Sharon. I'm sorry she had to deal with such cruelty.

    The first thing that struck me is that your mom's neighbour is jealous of your mom. Your mom has children who are willing to drive for hours to do hard physical labour on her behalf, whereas the neighbour has alienated her own family. Rather than looking to your mom as an example of how to be a loving and kind person, the neighbour wants to spoil your mom's enjoyment of her family by trying to taint it with negative thoughts.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds like this "friend" wants your mom to give her everything she can't fit in the new place.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think Trinity has the right idea.