Why Do They.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WiscKaren, Jan 17, 2008.

  1. WiscKaren

    WiscKaren New Member

    Hate me? I'm speaking of my children. At least that is the way that I feel.....for today.

    I must have read the "Developing Detachment" article 20 times today -- at least. And here I am sitting, with a broken heart, and tears streaming down my face.

    I didn't go to my daughter's court appearance today. She didn't want me there last week (funny how I could be "there" to pay the $5000 attorney cost), and she told me so ("Mom, get out of here! I will talk with you later", is what we got last week at her preliminary hearing), so I didn't go today (neither did hubby). And she hasn't even given me the courtesy of calling to tell me how it went, but then again, I shouldn't expect that I guess (what am I thinking??).

    But I'm wondering why my kids hate me. Is it because I wanted them to succeed in life, to eventually marry and have a nice home and kids, to not struggle financially, to be law-abiding people, to be respectful of others (including law enforcement people), to have an education, etc. etc.??? I don't get it, I don't understand. Isn't that what any parent wants for their child?

    They definately were not brought up to be disrespectful and selfish. Yes, their bio-father and I divorced, but for the sake of the kids, we remained friends and my door was always open for him to visit anytime (until about 3-4 years ago when he just didn't get it that our son was more involved in drugs than we thought and when I called him from the hospital after our son overdosed, he thought it was funny that he was shackled to the bed, delerious, and taking incoherently). Their stepfather has been nothing but kind to them and has never raised a fist, but has stood by my side the entire 11-12 years.

    Why is it when they are in trouble, we are good enough for them? But when they don't need anything, we are chit -- or at least that is the way that I feel.

    And then I sit here reading the detachment article today and all I can do is cry. I'm so hurt, I'm so angry. Toxic, that is what my kids are. Just toxic. They have put me through hell for so long. I'm tired of it. I want out!!! --And then a few minutes later, I feel guilt for thinking that way.

    Time for me to go read it again.........
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Oh Karen. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way.
    Detaching is incredibly hard, but for your own health and sanity, you need to keep at it.

    FWIW, I don't think your kids hate you. Like so many of our difficult children, they can be incredibly manipulative, and downright cruel when they're not getting their own way. Since you're not supporting your daughter's choices, she's not getting what she wants from you, so she is lashing out.

    It's hard, so very hard.

    I don't really have any good advice, just sending {{{{{hugs}}}}}

  3. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I don't think it's unusual for any kid to 'hate' their parent at some point in their teen lives. I know I certainly did, but growing up and leading an adult life sure puts things into perspective. What's the old saying? Just wait until you have your own children. It certainly is true.

    Give them space and time. Give yourself some peace.

  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I really don't think this is a matter of hating you at all. If she's anything like my daughter, it's an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. She got what she needed (the $5K) and now doesn't want to hear the lectures, advice or much of anything.

    My gut feeling is court didn't go well. If it had, she probably would have called you. You could call her and see if she wants to talk. Don't offer any advice unless she asks. Nice, non-committal I sees and that's too bad. You do have a right to know what the next step is and what was said. There is a grandchild involved in this mess.

    As hard as it is, don't take the lack of calls, etc. personally. Some of our kids just don't think and our feelings are truly at the bottom of the list. I'm sorry.

  5. DiC

    DiC New Member

    Sending hugs and prayers, trying to learn detachment myself.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It might help you to remember.....

    Karma is a b*itch. :smirk:

    It might even bring a smile to your lips every once in a while.

    Did you ever hear someone tell their kid, "You just wait, you're gonna have one just like YOU someday."

    Yep. It happens. :smile:

    And if I had a nickle for everytime my kids said they hated me..... Well, I'd be rich. But I haven't heard it in a very long time.

    Every kid goes thru the My Parents Don't Know Dittly Squat phase. For some it last way longer than for others.

    Odds are court didn't go well, or else you'd probably gotten a phone call. Let it be her problem.

    Detachment is not the easiest lesson to learn. But you'll get there with practice. And we'll be here with you.

  7. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    I think part of the reason they do it is shame.

    It just comes out as anger at the person before whom they are most ashamed.

    Someone told me once that it has to do with the kids venting to the person they feel most safe with.

    It helped me to learn to refuse the emotions that were destroying me, that were confusing and ultimately, making me weaker.

    I am so sorry, Wisckaren.

    None of this is easy.

    But it will be a little easier for you now, because you have all of us.

    We made it through.

    You will, too.



    P.S. When I first came here? I had to banish myself to the detachment site all the time!

    That's why I have it at the bottom of my posts.

    It was where I learned healing was possible.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Is it because I wanted them to succeed in life, to eventually marry and have a nice home and kids, to not struggle financially, to be law-abiding people, to be respectful of others (including law enforcement people), to have an education, etc. etc.??? I don't get it, I don't understand. Isn't that what any parent wants for their child?

    The fourth word in that sentence - "I" and the fifth "Wanted".

    Then the words we hear the most "BUT OUT OF MY LIFE"

    The last 2 words of that sentence.

    Somehow - I wanted and MY life don't meld, merge, understand each other, get along, want to get along, may NEVER get along.

    The movie playing in YOUR head - is that of a grown adult who has had life experiences to be seasoned, tragedy to know joy when you see it, health and how to appreciate it's value, love and what it is and isn't - and your kids - well....they're kids. They are CLUEless. Totally clueless to what YOU want for them, and what YOU think is good for them or what you KNOW is the right thing for them.

    And a kid especially a teen looks at a parent who is trying to give anything BUT money (guidance, advice, support, care, love) as a thing of demeaning them when they are (in their minds) Doing this task the way THEIR mind sees it to be correct.

    Eventually stupidity wears most people out and you figure out that the guidance, advice, support, care and love) are ALL your parent is GOING to give because the money train pulled out LONG ago due to lack of (appreciation, respect, and living the same wants)

    I say all the time to my son - IF you hate me - then we are done - as I have nothing to give someone who loathes me, but then scampers up to ask for $5.00 to get some soda and candy. So in essence by NOT giving him the money - I force him to either play the game of life and be nice to get what he wants thus praying being nice will become a habit - OR I do not give him money, he stops scampering, manipulating me and stops asking for money.

    For $5,000.00 you have bought yourself the rights to nothing.

    If you gave it freely - then there is no reason for you to know anything unless you are told.

    If you gave it to her as a loan, you should get a document signed that states, how much, when you gave it, when she's to pay it back - and then take her to court if she doesn't. As a signed IOU is legal in small claims court.

    Don't even ask HOW I know all this. I just do.

    And as far as reading the detachment guide. You need to do more than just read it - you need an instructor. Whether you get a therapist or use us here to support you...you need help. I say this because I can READ a manual about rocket fuel and propulsion - but it probably isn't going to get me to the moon unless I have a team helping me along the way.

    Want to really rock her socks? Don't ask a thing about court. Don't ask her anything - pretend like you "forgot" and when she sa;ys "Aren't you even going to ask about MY DAY?

    Turn to her and go "Oh gosh hon - I totally forgot about your court....thing (and kinda like you don't really want to know) say "Well is there anything I need to do to help?" and if she says "No" then just go (okay) and walk away and busy yourself with something for YOURSELF. If she says "Yes -" then cut her off and say "Well before you tell me, let me preface the conversation here by saying "I have NO MONEY to offer you." - now go on.." and cut her off - level the playing field and BE one step ahead.

    If you have to cry - leave the room.
    If you start to get emotional just cut the talk short and say "You know what I have something to do - can we talk about this later? THANKS." and leave the room .

  9. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    But I'm wondering why my kids hate me.

    I think it is a love/hate relationship with most our kids. And like one of the others posted here, they say I hate you to us because they feel safest with us.

    Why is it when they are in trouble, we are good enough for them? But when they don't need anything, we are chit

    I get the same thing from Melissa. She asked all nicely this morning, "Mom, can I please borrow money to buy some cover-up?" I told her I had no money to lend her (she owes me some money plus husband & I are not handing out money anymore). Then she got nasty and stormed off to her bedroom.

    Anyway, I know how you are feeling and I'm sending you gentle hugs!!

  10. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Star hit this right on the nose - - - and I had to do the same thing, but with easy child. When we would get into those typical teen battles (I know yours is older, but ...), I would always try to be the better person and snap her out of her bad mood and, in turn, she would get madder. I certainly was not "allowed" to ask her stuff, because then I would "be in her business".

    One day, husband told me to ignore everything... "don't ask about her day or what she is doing - - she will come to you". It was the hardest thing I ever did, so I ignored her. She would walk into the room with that aura of attitude coming through her skin and I wouldn't say anything - - she would find another reason to walk in my path, and I would turn around and go the other way. Finally, she starts yelling "What?? - - are you going to ignore me now?? Why are you acting like a child". I calmly said, "well, I decided to stay out of your business, so if you want to tell me something, then you know where to find me, but don't expect me to drag it out of you, just because you come into the room huffing and puffing".

    At first, she didn't like my changed attitude, but later that night, she sat down next to me and started talking about what was on her mind. It was interesting, because she really wanted to tell me stuff, but she also wanted to pick a petty fight (gotta love teens). I swear, I think all teens are bipolar (well, not really, but ......). I still struggle with those boundaries, but I got better. If I start asking too much, she will let me know. :rolleyes:

    I bet if you take Star's advice and act like you don't care about the court case, she will come to you soon enough. Hang in there!