Why is every possible "happy time" ruined?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mcdonna, Aug 2, 2017.

  1. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    I don't get it. Every single time (and it's not often) I try to set something up for husband & myself for a special occasion or God forbid, a vacation (haven't had one of those in about 6 years), drama sets in. We're set to leave in 2 weeks for our big trip.

    In my previous long post, I mentioned that daughter is some trouble in Nepal, as she has overstayed her time there on her visa by over 60 days. She called last week saying she was being deported and that she needed me to pay for a flight back to Canada (only $1500 one-way). I said, "No" and gave her the Canadian government emergency services info on emergency financial aid to return to Canada. She got angry, emailed a War & Peace diatribe about all my faults, etc. and then we didn't hear from her.

    She called today to say that because I have destroyed everything in her life she is going off social media and she will forward the address for her coffin, as she won't be alive after tonight. I started to speak and she disconnected the call.

    So, as per our suicide protocol, I contacted the Canadian government emergency services. Got the same lady on the line that handled the last Thailand crisis (sometimes it's nice to not have to tell your entire story again). She confirmed that daughter has indeed overstayed her visa but authorities have not detained or shipped daughter out of the country. Daughter called emergency services to ask them for money. They told her they could assist BUT that it was a loan and would have to be repaid either directly or through income tax refunds, etc. And that's where she left it. So now the government will contact the consulate in Nepal, go to where she is staying and assess her medical condition/safety. They apparently have her recent medical records on file (where she slashed her arm up). I told them that if she comes back to Canada, she is NOT coming to our house.

    Trying to stay detached but having a really hard time. I'm 99% sure she is playing us (and the system) but there is that 1% that says maybe she'll really try to end her life...right at what is supposed to be the start of my 'happy time'. My brain says, "How can I be happy when she is trying to kill herself?" I can't seem to shut those thoughts out. There's no way she knows about these little "positive events that are planned" yet she seems to be able to find the right time to do it. Part of me wants to cancel my flights/hotels and just say to hell with it.

    What are your tips/tricks to stay in focus when sadness sets in just when you've planned a happy event?
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    McDonna:

    I don't know how you are so savvy with all these international agencies and who to contact! Very impressive. I know it's probably on a "need to know basis". Us moms get pretty creative at getting the information we need.

    If she's done this before and you think it's just an idle threat (sounds like it) practice your detaching and go have a wonderful, well earned vacation!

    Even if she is telling the truth (doubt it) what can you do anyway?
     
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  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Histrionics. Send a coffin. Girl please. Go on your vacation. She will find a way to con some poor mark into giving her money and then she will dissapear again.
     
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  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    So very proud of you!!! You handled this perfectly.

    First I think it's important that you contacted the crisis hot line so she can be evaluated. That being said, if your daughter is like my son, she will use that line as a ploy to get you to cave into her demands.
    The fact that she will be evaluated should send a message to her that if she makes a claim of harming herself you will contact a crisis center.

    I remind myself that I have worked hard and long to be able to take a much needed vacation. I remind myself that I will not allow my difficult child to hold my emotions hostage. I remind myself that my sons drama and chaos are his alone. I remind myself that no amount of money will ever save my son. I remind myself that enabling and giving into my son does more harm than good.

    Mcdonna, you go on your trip and you ENJOY yourself.
    :beach:
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You let your daughter ruin your plans.

    She knows how to get to you just when you are about to have fun. Seriously, i wouldnt talk to her when you are about to have fun. Do iton your time. Your daughter has proven very able to find ways to survive, even if they arent always ethical.

    Have fun! Borderline doesnt go away.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2017
  6. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    McDonna, she is on the other side of the world and she is an adult. It is not up to you to protect her from herself. Please don't get sucked into the drama. You deserve a wonderful drama free vacation.
     
  7. Cheerwyn

    Cheerwyn New Member

    Chaotic people seem to have that radar, don't they?

    I'm so sorry your daughter is ruining what should be a well-deserved vacation.

    It is really hard, but keep reading up on and practicing detachment. You have made the very wise choice not bail your daughter out of a predicament of her own creation. You are not sending her money, you are not going to allow her to invade the peaceful space of your home, and you are not going to let her verbally abuse you. These are all choices that will lead to some peace of mind in the long run.

    Please, please, please, think twice before you take calls from her or overseas officials. Let it go to voicemail and have someone else listen to it to see if it's information you really need to know.

    And if you think she will show up while you are gone, or when you're home, game plan how you will deal with it.

    Sometimes just knowing what you will do to protect yourself can make you feel better about things.
     
  8. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    For me, I follow through with my plans regardless of the crisis. Sometimes I spend the entire "good experience" distracted and stressed but I fake it and stick to my plans. I figure if I can enjoy some if it, it was worth it.

    Good luck.
     
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  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    McDonna, you handled it perfectly. Your input and involvement is not going to make one iota of difference. She is halfway around the world, in a situation of her own making.

    I know this is very hard to hear, but I think it's really important for you to not forget her back story. Her entire situation is due to deceiving and conning other people out of their money for illnesses she does not have.

    She knows how to push people's heartstrings, and she is pushing yours now.

    She will forward the address for her coffin?!

    Who thinks like this when they are contemplating suicide? Those of us who have lost family members to suicide know that the ones to worry about are the ones who DON'T talk about it. She is playing into your worst fears.

    There are agencies that will assist her, and you have put her in touch with them (even though quite frankly, after the lies and fraud she has already committed, she probably does not deserve as much from them or from you).

    I'm sorry this is so harsh. I have to take a step back now because I can feel myself getting overly involved in protecting you. I just really, REALLY hope that you and hubs will not allow yourselves to get sucked back into her vortex. You deserve so much better. Please go on your much-deserved vacation and let her find her own way out of this.
     
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  10. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Absolutely, Mcdonna,

    Our son had some sixth sense to try to ruin happy events...our middle child's high school graduation, numerous holidays, getaways/vacations. It was uncanny....husband and I marveled at it.

    I am not certain we ever got wiser. But, these days there is no contact and we have all the fun we want - with peace in our hearts.

    Hopefully, someday things will be different. For now, this sure beats those old days.
     
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  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Yes I hear you on a crisis they will make a bigger one. My son ODd 2 days after my mom died. He raged out of control on Mother's Day ....it does go on and on.
    She is acting out. Go enjoy your Vaction!
     
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  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Go on your vacation. It isn't your daughter preventing you from going, it is your guilt and sense of responsibility.

    Choose YOU. Choose life. Choose joy.

    A number of years ago I was on my way to Kauai with my husband. Right before we left, my daughter became homeless (again) and of course, she called to let me know how bad it was. I was so stressed out. All the plans were made. I wrote on this forum and everyone said to go. Right before we left, I hid some cash in an envelope on our back patio.....just in case. It was enough for one night in a hotel if my daughter called to say she was out in the street she could have a night to be safe and figure it out. It was sort of an insurance for me, rather than for her, although of course, she did call while we were away and I told her to go get the cash, (which was all she really wanted anyway) she did and I didn't hear anything else from her while we were gone.

    One day I recall sitting on a curb in front of a store on Kauai just ruminating away about what a bad mother I was. How could I leave my homeless daughter and go on a trip??? For a moment I was completely lost. Then I looked up at the palm trees, the gorgeous beauty, and I realized how much of my life had been eaten up by others dramas and chaos. I chose to enjoy myself for the rest of the trip. Of course, I had to re decide that a few times, but I did and had a wonderful time.

    Go on your trip. Enjoy yourselves. Celebrate life. You deserve it.
     
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  13. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    McDonna.
    Thanks Albie. I could also feel myself welling up with "stand together" strong momma support.

    Choose vacation.
    Hubs and I have realized that our vacations have been marked over the yrs by our son's actions. As we think back, "was that before or after beat up at quick mart, arrested, in ER, DUI, threatened to harm himself after breakup....on and on" Finally realized it's on and on, vacation or not. You deserve the rest. Go. Nobody's earned this more than the warrior moms on this site. You've gone above and beyond, you are now off-duty. Have fun for you. Prayers.
     
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  14. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    I hear this! So many good plans my son has ruined and any time I have ever tried to explain this to him he thinks it is ok to tell me not to worry about him If only it was that easy!!!
     
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  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Our Difficult Child (and the ones of several people I know)....suddenly have a crisis just as we are about to embark on a vacation or undertake any new adventure.
    Similarily, I tend to think 99% of the time they are "playing" us.
    It is most interesting how "things" happen at the most peculiar times.
    Even regular events, like Christmas, can trigger our daughter into unusual behaviors...odd drama....depression....just profound trouble and negativity.
    Lots of exaggerations too.
    There are the odd times that she is reporting accurately.
    I find this part of her illness exasperating.
    Great that you have so many helpful contacts and wonderful that you use them.
    I think you've handled this well.
     
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  16. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    Wow! I'm so thankful to have such sage advice from battle-weary friends here. Every post gave me a new "list" of items to add to my arsenal of detachment techniques. Everything said rings so true and Albie's comment about being worried for ME really opened my eyes (and made me cry). If I don't change myself, I'm going to be the eternal enabler/controller in a game I can never win.

    I played the "what if" worst-case scenario over and over yesterday. And then realized there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change it or fix it. I get it now. Totally. And for that I thank you all :)
     
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