Would you feel slighted?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ksm, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    sunday is Father's Day. My husbands daughter invited him out for lunch...but not me. And I was ok with that. But now I just learned that she, her husband, and son are also going. It's not a big fancy meal, just a little diner close by.

    Sometimes my son has invited me for lunch, just the two of us..usually on a Monday, his day off from work, and my husband would be working and girls at school. I never thought like I was leaving husband out of it. But now I wonder if I was. Or am I overly sensitive?

    I guess the fact that I will be home, fending for myself, makes me feel different. And also that I bust my butt cooking meals for them most other holidays.

    I guess I will just go do something nice for me during that time. And let husband cook a Thanksgiving meal this fall.

  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I would feel left out as well, since your husband's daughter AND son-in-law AND grandson are included where you are not. In past years, Hubby's sons have taken him to lunch and a movie without me, and like you, I'm fine with that. I would not be pleased if Hubby and sons and daughter-in-law and the grands were celebrating without me.

    I spend a lot of time with my mom during the week, since I only work part-time. I don't think you're being overly sensitive, and I don't think you're leaving your hubby out by seeing your son at a time when your hubby is at work.
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi KSM,

    What does your husband think?
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Could you ask her why she only invited your husband? What her thought process was? Sometimes there is a thought process behind an action that makes sense to another person that is mystifying to the rest of us. Asking why they did this thing can often avoid hurt feelings. Sometimes the person never dreamed you wanted to be invited or thought you wanted some time all to yourself.

    Of course you might get an answer you REALLY don't want to hear, so don't ask unless you are prepared to hear absolutely anything that might be said.

    I do find this very odd, and actually rather cruel. Family can be meaner to each other than almost anyone else on the planet would be.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Like most men, he is oblivious. And I completely agree it's fine to have a one on one meal or time with an adult child.

    So I will probably bite my tongue and not say anything. Then I will probably make a rude remark ocher something small and unrelated. And he will ask, why am I so rude or upset? And I would have to explain that he is too unaware to notice how rudely I was treated...

    How he sometimes makes me feel invisible.

    Honestly, he is a great person...its just this, his inability to grasp what is going on...and his daughter is used to pulling stuff, so I guess I am used to it.

    Last edited: Jun 17, 2017
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    This just brought back a memory about 12 years ago. His daughter suggested we take her twin daughters to an upscale Japanese restaurant where they cook in font of you for their birthday. We had already had custody of our two granddaughters at that time. I made reservations for us, her two girls and our two... Then she tells her dad that her girls were really looking forward to spending time with just us. So I change the reservations, hire a sitter for ours, and we pick up the other granddaughters and the first thing they say, when they get in the car is "where's J and A???" "Why aren't they going with us?"

    They seemed disappointed.

  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Yes, I would feel slighted.

    Because it is rude behavior on the part of your step- daughter.

    I have a step-father and while it is perfectly OK to have one-on-one time with a parent, it is rude to invite one person out on a holiday dinner and not include their spouse.

    I have a step-father and wouldn't dream of taking my mom out on Mother's Day and exclude my step-father. Of course, knowing my mom, she would decline the invitation if I tried to exclude him.

    I also wouldn't exclude the minor children living in the home. That is also rude. If I couldn't afford to take everyone, I would cook instead, or bring sandwich stuff.

    If one of my step-sons is living with us on Mother's Day, we take him with us if we go out to eat. We try to work our activities around the time they go to their mother's house, just like we do with every other holiday. It is just not a big deal to take another person. I don't see the point of excluding someone.

  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I was pretty ok with it, until he told me her husband and adult son was going.

    So me and DGD will just go somewhere else. It's not that they can't afford it...or that we would be offended paying for our meal. She has been married for 30 years...and we have not had one meal at their home. We have had cake and ice cream for a grandchildren birthday.

    When DGS turned one year old, I remember I either bought or made the cake for his party at their home. About 30 minutes after we got there, her phone rang. After she hung up, she said it was her mom, wondering if we had left yet, so she could head over.

    I remember husband just said, that's fine, we will leave. I don't even remember if we got a piece of cake...

  9. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I would feel slighted if another female was going, but the fact that it is all men who went changes the dynamic for me. The D's H is obviously a father and the son is a future father. I would say it's just the D spending time with the men in her life.
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Saturday night, I explained to husband that I was ok with whether I was invited or not. But it bothered me that he didn't care if I was invited or not.

    And, that when we had plans for dinner Saturday night, when his daughter called and wanted to go for a walk, he didn't check with me for my opinion. So while they were gone for an hour, I went to the store and got deli meat for sandwiches.

    It's that kind of behavior, putting everyone else first, without giving me an option...

  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    What did your hubby say when you explained to him how you felt?
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Deer in the headlights look. Didn't have a clue. But he has been a lot more attentive since then..,

    It will last for a while...then he will go back to being oblivious.