Xmas weirdness continues

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Dec 25, 2019.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Mostly a vent.

    we flew our difficult child into town and due to this (cost) and some improvement in her recent behaviors etc we did not put her in a hotel for this visit. Last visit was much better with her in the hotel.
    But this one, although rough, was better than one’s in the past.

    So...a teeny improvement overall. We’ve had visits that were hideous. This was NOT hideous.

    Everything was more or less ok. Some quirkiness and moodinesss. Not too horrible.

    But... today was a bit rough. I ignored it , so things wouldn’t escalate. But, it’s still hard.

    She is about thirty and very heavy. Each time we see her she is heavier.

    Some VERY interesting, but put in a succinct way, events:

    1. Cried in front of little grandkids because she didn’t get a present she wanted.
    2. Sent me a text saying that I almost killed her as a child because I didn’t notice certain health issues. (WTH???) Omg. Not true.
    3. Screamed at me because (get this) she asked me to remind her about something and I set a reminder on the Alexa app and added a few items to the reminder more than what she originally asked.
    4. She ate practically everything in our refrigerator including husband’s lunch.
    5. Complained to me that the clothes I had set aside for her at our home for her visits no longer fit her and this is my responsibility not hers. I know better to mention that when she gains significant weight it causes problems because she will scream at me.
    5. Screamed at my husband because she has aches and pains and sweats a lot. Complained bitterly to him and to anyone that would listen. Just yelling out loud. He suggested she lose weight. She screamed at him saying she “doesn’t want to hear that” and suggested her sweating issue was a “woman’s issue “ implying menopause.

    She leaves tomorrow.

    She takes zero resp. for her bad attitude and s n a r k I n e s s. Zero responsibility for her overweight. Is quick to scream...especially at me. She is grouchy x 100000.

    Is this bipolar only? It seems like a mixture of anxiety, moodiness, entitlement and bipolar mixed together.

    Any thoughts and any ideas on what to say to her when she is screaming or complaining excessively?

    Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2019
  2. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Hi Nomad, I have no answers or advice, only my own rambling thoughts as I try to deal with my own pain this holiday season.

    I want to temper my comments with the disclaimer that I'm not a medical professional and have no idea, so this is just a thought, and a thought that likely is not that helpful! Nevertheless, I wonder if your daughter has borderline personality disorder? My son is borderline (as far as I know - he has a psychologist but doesn't share much of his treatment or diagnosis details with me.) Anyway, a lot of your daughter's behaviours seem like classic Borderline behaviours.

    I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter what is causing my son's behaviour. Even if it is something he can be treated for, the only person who can sort that out is him. For a long time I was obsessed with finding out the cause of his behaviour, now I'm more focused on dealing with it in a way that will cause me and the rest of my family the least pain. Not that I'm actually doing a very good job of that - because I feel like I'm in pain every day because of this adult child of mine.

    Forgive my rambling. All I really wanted to say is, you're not alone in this - I'm on the other side of the world, but I'm standing right beside you.
     
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  3. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you LuLu

    It’s a little embarrassing as many here have more difficult issues they are working with AND I tend to post something every Xmas. Our daughter is MOST peculiar, stressed and prone to this excessive complaining and even screaming at us at Christmas time. She can be like this at ANY time...but for some reason, Christmas time is a “special” time for walking on eggshells.

    She’s adopted and I’ve seen a little more of this with folks in this population.

    And, yes...I can sort of see where Borderline kind of fits.

    She also had brain surgery in elementary school for a medical condition.

    So, I suppose it’s a mixture of issues.

    I suppose I need to concentrate on the fact that it was better than in the past and I can use the hotel option when I feel like I can afford it. I fantasize that there is something I can do or say for more improvement. I suppose it’s not likely the case. It’s sad. 1 am here..a bit of insomnia as my heart is heavy.

    Tomorrow (today!) is a new day.

    Thank you.
     
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  4. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    There's absolutely no need to apologise! I feel the same way at the moment - posting about seemingly minor transgressions when others have it much worse BUT I'm here for me, not for my son, and right now I'm low, so I'm seeking the company of those who understand what this is like. I think for me (and maybe for you too?) we are damaged by past events so even minor transgressions send us spiralling into the "what ifs". For me posting here brings me solace and helps me to calm down. I hope that it is the same for you.
     
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Yes, it provides much solace. I don’t speak about this stuff much with my friends anymore. I’ve gotten stronger, but it is relentless and still often sorrowful. Blessings.
     
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I agree sometimes we just need to vent. I am sorry your daughter made Christmas difficult for you. The problem lies with her not you. I really don't know what to suggest except maybe layng some ground rules before she comes next time. The thing about the clothes is not your responsibility it is hers she is an adult.
     
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  7. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I will try.

    Have you ever considered autism?

    Nomad, I think the best reaction to a rant is to not respond at all or to just nod and say "okay" or "I see."

    I am so sorry about your daughter.
     
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I have thought about Aspergers plus bipolar. Yes.

    I do the nod...no reaction thing a fair amount. I’m totally doing it this morning. So far, so good. Thank you for reminding me.

    It seems like something plus bipolar.

    I wish things were much better.

    But, things are a little better and that’s good.

    I think I’ll use the hotel for Xmas more often. Or perhaps partially. For example...send her to the hotel for the days before Xmas , but bring her to our home Xmas eve and let her sleep here that one night.

    I am so frustrated. But, bottom line....as what was said...I have to find what works for our family.

    This is key. It takes thought. Creativity. Strength.

    She woke up at 6 am yelling. By coincidence, I was already awake. But I’m often not awake. She was yelling because the bottom sheet moved and she was partially sleeping on the mattress cover. I could hear her yelling from across the house. I didn’t say a word. If I said to her “It’s inapproriate and inconsiderate to yell at 6 am when people might be sleeping. Please don’t raise your voice.” I would run the risk of her yelling at me.

    She is not unintelligent. I raised her properly. We are baffled. She can be VERY inconsiderate with us. And often is with others as well. Just strange, loud, peculiar, moody, opinionated, stubborn, inconsiderate etc.

    This is helpful! If she is doing decently in the days before...I will partially put her in the hotel for a visit. If she is doing poorly...I will put her in the hotel for the entire visit. If she is doing very poorly...I will cancel her visit.

    Staying at our house the entire visit may not be one of the options at all.

    I think I’m working in a viable plan based on what works for us.

    I can’t explain this (her difficult behaviors and why they are often extreme at Christmas).

    But I need to save my sanity and health.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2019
  9. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Nomad,

    So glad you posted. I don't know how you show such restraint!

    You are strong. Have you considered making her Christmas visit shorter? A day trip, perhaps?
     
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    More than ever now it sounds like a form of autism at least to me. These people don't understand appropriate social behaviors and have sensory issues which may be why she freaked out while laying partly on the mattress. You may want to check it out. We have a family member who is smart but on the spectrum and he has trouble with even minor social cues and also gets outlandishly difficult if something is too loud or an item doesn't feel right. Like he cuts out the tags in his shirts.

    There are ways to help people on the spectrum to do better or else I wouldn't bring it up.

    Good luck and many blessings.
     
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Yes. And yes.
    We have shortened her holiday visit. She admonished is for this. She isn’t sure why. Good grief.

    It looks like so many things, depending on the situation at hand. But, I can see being on the Spectrum a possibility. (Plus bipolar)

    She did find labels infuriating as a kid. Mild brain damage too from the brain surgery a consideration. I think bipolar is accurate due to the moodiness. But...what else? And I think Christmas might be some baggage related to her being adopted. I feel like it comes from all angles at Christmas. Both barrels. It’s a shame as my husband and son love the holiday. I busted my bottom making her favorite foods. I spent one entire day in the kitchen. She saw I was tired scrubbing pots etc and she said I should try to get dad to help me and then went off not offering to help at all. Deep inside she is actually nice. But, you would never know it at times and Christmas is often bizarre as heck. It’s been draining, expensive, nerve racking and confusing. We try very hard. We make little progress.

    Setting up rules ahead of time helps a tiny bit. Setting boundaries helps.

    Posting here helps me! Trying to focus on the positive helps. Thank you so much for the good and helpful input. It is a huge relief just to get it off my chest. :)
     
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    Last edited: Dec 26, 2019
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Nomad

    Wow those behaviors sound very hard to deal with! I agree with one night at your house from now on. Would be better for everyone; probably her too!
     
  13. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Nomad, you tried to make your daughter part of the family gathering. She did not behave as a contributing member. I am sad for you that she made this choice.

    As for bi-polar, or not, it is your Difficult Child behavior that is at hand here. My own has not recieved a diagnosis because she refuses to get help, lives with whoever she can find, this month and is literally drinking herself to death. I suspect bi-polar (runs in family) and Borderline (BPD), but it doesnt really matter what the diagnosis is when our Difficult Child makes such poor choices.

    Maybe she shouldn't be invited to be part of family gatherings unless she is willing to make her contribution a positive one.

    My wish for you and her is that she want to be that person enough to make plans and arrangements on her own. And, if she doesn't, I hope you understand that is her choice.

    We were going to do the same as you for our Difficult Child and offered it a while ago only to be told we were rude and uncaring to offer such a thing for "when she is healthy" implying we weren't there to send money that day. I drove myself nuts thinking what such a visit would look like, would she leave, etc.

    She managed to send some very demeaning and abusive texts a couple of weeks ago. That's when I decided I didnt want her here under those circumstances. I sent her Amazon gift card as usual and Christmas Day she sent a very kind text with love for all. She did same with her brother (he too lives in another state). Though I went through a challenging period, I am grateful I stayed the course. I hope sharing this is helpful for you.

    In healing.
     
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  14. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Bipolar and borderline is different from autism. Autistic people can not behave better. They do not know how. Medication does not work. It's a way of perceiving the world and the autistic person needs a lot of interventions.

    It is not always possible for a person to control how they behave. It depends upon whether it is a neurological problem or a psychiatric problem. Regardless, if somebody is intolerably difficult and has poor social skills I believe it is kind to all to get a hotel room. That isn't a punishment!

    I hope New Year's us a great day for all! God bless those who love Him and much love to everybody!!!