Suddenly Matt is the unhappiest I have seen him in years. Full of self loathing, hatred towards himself and others, convinced the entire world is against him, suicidal, homicidal, raging - you name it. I sat there today and listened to the ping pong balls bouncing in his brain and was astounded at how truly messed up his head was. I mean, I see him often, but he usually has this happy go lucky attitude, or totally laid back attitude, or a modestly angry, surly attitude - but he doesn't really reveal to me what is going on inside his head. Today was a chilling look into his reality and the depth of his self destruction and illogical reasoning. It scared and shocked me. He was saying things like, his whole life is cursed, he will never be successful, the universe hates him (which I have heard before), and then he goes deeper into how much hate he has towards all the people in his life that have 'F'd him over. His hate was so palpable, his whole body was shaking. Then he starts talking about how he wants to kill those people, or all the people that "have it so good". In tangible detail he tells me his fantasy. I am mouth wide open, speechless. I said, so you really would do that? And he backs down and says, no, I just really really want to, but you know I never would do that. Then he starts back up with how the whole world hates him. All his friends have left him, his Dad, his Aunt (my sister who died), his grandfather (who dad who just died) - anyone he cared about, he lost. He started to cry and said and now it will be you or Nan (his grandmother) next. I just know it, because that is how my whole life works. Then he goes back to being angry with a daze on his face. I said what are you thinking about? He said, oh, I am just having flashbacks of all the people who wronged me. Rob (his former step father), friends, teachers. I told him flat out that his life would not be any better than his thinking. That he had to make the positive steps in his life to affect change. He has been in therapy and on medications his whole life, so he flat out refuses to see a counselor, or seek medical help. In fact they would probably have to Tazer him to get him into a hospital again, seriously. And truthfully even if he was somehow admitted again, doctors have done all they can with him. That route is no longer viable, in my opinion. I talked to him about things like positive thinking, or finding peace within himself, but he simply scoffed and then said that was stupid. I said, so you are miserable, and feeling sorry for yourself, but you don't want to use measures to change that. He said, no, I just am who I am. This is who I am Mom, this is it, he yelled. There was absolutely no talking sense into him - and I guess I shouldn't have been trying. He came to AZ last summer after an episode like this in Dallas. He was staying with friends, and they were totally freaked out by his talk, and kicked him out. He was using pot at the time, and I know he is now. Today he was sober though, and it is like reality just kicked him in the rear. He told me that he cannot deal with reality, and if this is how he has to live his life he will chose to die. I finally left, because I had had enough, and he called me sobbing. I said Matt, I cannot fix this for you! You have to fix you! I can't make this better. It was like this lightning bolt went off, and he said OMG, you really can't make this better can you. And he started to cry again, and hung up. I am left with so many emotions, they are countless. I am trying really hard to detach, and yet at the same time when he is talking about death - it is hard. When he is sobbing telling me how much he hates himself, it is very hard for me not to feel that emotion. I have felt that way one too many times. I really am at a loss. In fact I am not sure why I am even posting, since there is nothing I can do. He is so much more even keel and in control when he is smoking weed - and they give that to people with PTSD - I sometimes wonder if he just needs medical marijuana. God knows we have tried every other chemical/medication with him. Then the more sane part of me thinks that if he continues to run and hide with weed, than he will amount to nothing, zero, he will just be a vegetable. Then the worried part comes back and says but without it will he really kill himself of someone else? I have said so much here - which is rare. I keep the Matt stuff kinda bottled up because I worry about being judged. I am just in limbo. I am wondering if I should call him back and make sure he is OK. Yet I realize that will only continue to enable him. But what if he has really tried to kill himself? This all has to stop. I feel like it is all going to blow up soon, if somehow a break doesn't happen in some form or another. And no, a psychiatric hold is not an option - we have been there done that so many times - with zero results except a bunch of bad memories, the wrong medications, and no solutions.