A visit from my son....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by UKMummy, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    I haven't seen my son since Christmas day. He txt in Jan to tell that it was too difficult seeing me. He's smoked weed since he was 14. Left the family home at 16 and is now 21. You know the score and the heartbreak and pain that comes with this. I know you all understand and I,m glad because I do not have the strength to explain.
    He txt last week that he wanted to see me. The stomach churned but I responded with of course, let me know when you're free. 6 days later he answers and has been round to my house tonight. He just left.
    I want to run for the hills.
    I love him so much, we had a cuddle. I held my baby in my arms for the first time in forever.
    Why does he make me want to run for the hills?
    He wants everyone ( me and his brother and sister) to forget everything that has happened and it ll to be good again. He says life is too short. He says he's going to stop smoking. He says that everything he blamed on his smoking but really it's not that at all. I've heard this all before, many times. He makes his demands and then when things aren't happy families immediately he loses it and doesn't want to see me anymore.
    He,s recently left my sisters house and has his own room in a shared house. He works 28 hours a week so I know he won't afford this long term. I don't give him money. I learnt the hard way and stopped about 2 years ago.
    He's just so sad. I can't bear his sadness. Here we go again ......
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  2. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I feel your pain. I have been through this song and dance for way too long. I know in my heart that my son will not change because he doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks I do.

    My son has lost all of his friends except for the drug users, most of the family has cut ties. My son says he has stopped alcohol for a year, I know he was in jail about 3 months ago for a drunken brawl between he and girlfriend. He says he has stopped cocaine use, that may be true, he smokes pot daily and says the experts that say it is harmful are quacks.

    His suicide threats each time things don't go his way scare me. I still hold him at arms length because I dread the money requests and I know they will start again.

    I'm to old to go through all of it again so I have learned to detach, I refuse to put my health at risk again.

    It is so hard, blessings!
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    UK, I too, feel your pain! My son is the same age, and though I have not had exactly the same situation, I can relate in so many ways. That visceral feeling you get, wanting to be able to touch, hold your "baby". And yet, you have to hold them "at arms length" in order to protect yourself. All too familiar. Sorry you are going through this, but know that you are not alone. I understand.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    Thank you to you both. I think it hurts him that I hold him at arms length and am wary of the things he says. He feels the distance and he hates it. But it is a coping tactic. This forum has helped so much with my acceptance that it is ok to detach. No, it is important to detach.
    He admitted he has a problem with jealously last night. He had told me last year that he cannot bear to see me happy after my partner and I went on a trip to Mexico. I broached this and made it clear to him that this jealousy was HIS problem, his character flaw that he needed to work on. That I never would do things in my life to intentionally hurt him and he needed to remember that when those feeling came back.
    But as wise member said to me once. He already knows.
    He already knows these things but will use anything he can against me when he feels he wants too.
    I have to believe this time will be different. But I know where to find my strength so thank you again.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Never give up hope, just remember this, the choices he makes are his. I have a close relative that basically supports her son to keep him out of trouble, she was just diagnosed with leukemia and I really don't know what's going to happen to the son.

    Mine would still be living on my sofa with me supporting him, using drugs. He tells the most outrageous lies, it's like he lives in his on fantasy world. He scares his sister with his violent outburst, you never know what will happen. But yet, he is still convinced the street drugs help him!

    I know too many that are supporting adult children with money they should be spending on themselves. in my opinion, this is hurting their chances, not helping them.

    The most difficult thing we may ever face in this life time may be these children. It sucks, it's not fair, we deserve better, they deserve better. BUT, if they don't think they have a problem, will not try to get professional help, there is absolutely nothing you can do but detach and take care of yourself.

    Detachment is like a grieving process, it truly takes time, I still get tested, I also know I can not go back to the way my life was before I learned to detach.

    Blessings!
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  6. JMom

    JMom Member

    My baby is 21 as well and I love the big hugs and loathe the stomach drop. We have Marijuana tests at a local dollar store for $1 if you can believe that! I made him put his $ where his mouth is. When he passed the test, the trust began to build.

    Hope he makes it to sobriety. I'll pray for your baby!!! ♡Jmom
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just FYI legal pot, which is more dangerous than regular ole pot, doesnt show up on drug tests so often those who know theyll be tested use drugs that dont show up on a test.

    Also, and this is JMO, I wouldnt use a test I bought at a dollar store. Im sure tests vary in quality.

    Having ssid that,I hope he DID quit. Best way to gauge that is if his lifestyle has changed, especially if he is dumping hid drug using friends. Drug users dont hang with straight people. Much of the frienddhip is based on using drugs together.

    I thought my daughter quit many times before she finally really did. When she really, really quit, her entire demeaner and her friends changed. She was very lonely for a long time.

    Good luck!
     
  8. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Talk is cheap. And us addicts are VERY good at manipulating people. Even I, a junkie myself, couldn't tell you when another addict is being real, or fake. Probably because we may actually believe what we are saying, at the time we say it. But, talk is very cheap. Forgive and forget is not a path to true healing. The things we do that are considered "bad" or "wrong" precisely because it caused suffering to others. Unnecessary suffering. It is important, albeit difficult, to face those people who's throats we stepped on for our own gratification. It is something that needs to stick. And pretending like nothing ever happened only reinforces bad or hurtful behavior. Forgiveness, like trust, is earned. If he is unwilling to even apologize for his actions, or even just acknowledge them, it is very unlikely that he is being genuine with you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  9. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Oh, and SomewhereOutThere is absolutely right. It is hard to tell when an addict lies vocally, but it is much easier in regards to their actions. Unfortunately, all my bad influence friends were my ONLY friends, and we were very tight nit. I lived with them and their parents' for months at a time, and we all grew to really care for each other. To the point that there was nothing we would not do for one another. For me, they were family. I haven't spoken to any of them, apart from a txt here or there or facebook, in a year. They are still using. I am not angry or upset with them in anyway, but I realized I couldn't do the friend thing AND the sober thing at the same time. It just isn't worth the risks. They would never pressure me, but I don't think I am ready to even be around it at all. So I'm not. We don't change by doing the same things. An honest attempt is one that is accompanied with lifestyle changes, and sacrifice.
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    This gets me every time. I know how hard it is. Right now our son is at home with us, because his apartment building had a fire and he found himself homeless. He shouldn't be. But the sadness and desperation, it just kills me. My "baby" is also 21 and my only child. In a matter of weeks, whether he's capable or not as he's unemployed again, we're putting him out. He knows it. He still doesn't appear to be trying.

    I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. We all know it well.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hugs to you UKMummy!

    If I had a dollar for every time my son said this, I could retire.
    I have always told my son, I forgive you for what you have done but I cannot forget it. I have reminded him that he has completely shattered my trust in him many times over and that trust is one of the hardest things to earn back.

    I'm glad you had a special moment with your son.
    :grouphugg:
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  12. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Even forgiveness is a process, not an event. Not true forgiveness, at least. And forgetting does more harm that good. You don't change by NOT dealing with the consequences of your actions. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. I
     
  13. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    It's funny how things change in your head when you've had a few days to process things. He was very much taking responsibility for his choices and the consequences of those choices i.e. Not living in the family home since the age of 16 beacause of his appalling behaviour. I was initially really impressed and thought maybe there were some changes and progress.
    But then I remember that this is what he does when we haven't had contact for a while. He takes responsibility, makes all of the right noises about wanting to make amends. As visits go on it soon turns. Everything is my fault. His life is s*** because Of me. He has no money beacause of me etc.
    I hope this time is different. I really hope this is the time things change. Am I confident? No not really. I think it's who his is. I think he'll always break my heart.
    I'm stronger than I was. I have an amazing, supportive partner. I have this forum that has made such a HUGE difference to the way I see things. I am cautious. I have to be. Thank you x
     
  14. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    You should be guarded. If you weren't, people may start to question your sanity. You are not wrong for feeling the way you feel. Those feelings are a result of his actions, not yours. His choices, not yours. He cannot truly appreciate the very real effect his actions have on those around him. Active addicts are very similar to sociopaths. Even if the addict never showed any sociopathic tendencies BEFORE the drugs, they will show them WITH the drugs. You'd have to ask "What is different this time than the other times?". If the answer is "nothing", then you'd be a fool for getting your hopes up that THIS will be any different. That is how rational people think. And it serves us well. None of us looked forward to finally facing the music, but it is necessary to do so. To stop the lies, and the excuses, and the justifications. It is hard to deal with shame, and the shame that I felt was enormous. I would have loved to just forget it all... And my aunt was probably willing to do that, not knowing any better. The fact that I didn't is a large part of my recent success. I have enough to be ashamed of, and I don't need any more. The shame doesn't go away, but I can at least put it to good use. And I do. So, pretending like nothing happened is a detriment to all parties involved.

    Have you ever sat down with him and tried to explain why what he has been doing is wrong? The effects it has on not only him, but on you and the rest of your family? If not, I suggest you do. Don't let him just turn his back on all of it. What he did was WRONG. He needs to really appreciate WHY it was wrong.
     
  15. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    I have very little patience for the pity party games. Though I am guilty of playing them, as well. My twin sister still does it. Blames Mom. Our mother was guilty of a lot of :censored2:, and she may certainly have influenced our behaviors, but she did NOT make decisions for us that we knew were wrong. We do it all on our own. We do things we know are wrong. Childhood experience may serve as a possible explanation, but shouldn't count as an excuse. It is weak. It demonstrates the unwillingness to own up, and to change. And it is very offensive towards whoever you blame. I get angry when I hear her do it. I loved my Mom. And while she was far from mother of the year, she is dead now. She never made any decision for me, and certainly doesn't do so now. The problem is with us, the addict. And the blame game just shows the unwillingness, or incapability, of accepting responsibility.
     
  16. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    DP
    Thank you for your kindness and wise words.
    It's getting late here but I'm hoping that the shame you have felt and feel is being replaced by pride. It should be. And if I heard my son speak as you do I would be a very proud Mum x
     
  17. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    I feel the same way wife, your presence here gives us all grieving moms a sense of hope that perhaps one day our own will speak the words you do.

    UK Mummy, I understand that guarded feeling so well - it's needed to protect yourself and not be drawn into a whirlwind of drama again. I also understand holding your child in your arms after a length of time - we never stop loving them but know all too well of the pain they can cause to our trusting hearts. I pray he finds his way and you continue your strength. Take care and hugs from me.
     
  18. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    Thank you Nature. I'm very thankful to of found this site. You know with a Difficult Child comes a huge amount of guilt. A huge amount of judgement, from others but especially from ourselves.
    I raised my children on my own. DCs dad left the country when her was 5 and contact from then was minimal.
    He was always an angry, difficult child. But he was also loving, moral and very bright.
    I raised them as best I could. Did I make mistakes. Of course but now I can reflect back and they were just normal parent mistakes. I didn't abuse him, neglect him. I loved him. I gave him everything I could. I gave him more than my other children, time and material things, because I wanted him to be happy. My relationships with my 2 other children are great. I think they love me more because they see what effect their brothers behaviour has had on me. I'm thankful for them.
    My heart bleeds for the parents here that don't have other children to even out the balance. They can bring us so much joy. They can light up our lives. Or.... they can hurt us like no one else can.
    Anyway, what I wanted to say really is, this site had given me the permission to take back my life. It has given me permission to be happy even when my son is in a dark place.
    I wonder if the founders of this group and the long term members know what they have done? They are supporting parents all over the world and I am so so so thankful to you. You have made my life better. I feel calm when I am here and I'm learning from you wonderful people everyday.
    Thank you
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
Loading...