A weird night and Jumper and J. are over

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Dec 13, 2011.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I was watching Jumper play basketball when J. walked in to the gymnasium and sat near us. He never sits near us...he is too shy. Usually he sits with some kids he knows.

    He kept looking at us, like glancing back and he even let me meet his eyes, but he didn't say anything. I tried to get him to talk, but he just answered with one word. Then I got up to buy a Coke and when I came back, he was gone and hub had the cell phone that he had gotten for J. J. told him he didn't want it anymore and that he had to leave, he had work to do on his car. I said to Tom (hub), "He broke up with Jumper." Hub is a little slow...he didn't figure it out.

    I knew it would be hard on Jumper. He didn't tell her. She didn't know he was going to do it. I went down the bleachers and found her best friend and she said that he had texted her to tell her he was going to do it. He didn't really give her a reason. Her friends said that he had seemed really nice at first, but that he hadn't been nice lately...that he had been crabby. I know they have been fighting.

    I have never gone through a teenage breakup with a child. What can I do? We texted a little. She is with Tom. She broke my heart. I asked if she was ok and she said "Not now, but I will be." Then she added, "I'm just going to miss him so much."

    What do I do as a mother? Just listen? In two days we are going to Chicago to see PastryChef graduate and do Christmas. I wish he had waited until after the holiday.
     
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Get some of her favorite ice cream and do what you would do for any girlfriend that just went through a break-up, minus the alcohol.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Give her your shoulder and ear and lots of hugs. It stinks. But she's right, she'll get over it and there will be someone new down the line who lights up her eyes. Or.....somewhere down the road J re-enters the picture when they're both more mature and it clicks for them. No one knows what the future holds but most teen love is short lived and is supposed to be that way.
     
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Just have to add how impressed I am with her maturity about it. What a great kid!
     
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't think there is anything you can do about it- and I don't think it would be a good idea to try to. It's probably a good thing you are going out of town and have activities planned for a couple of days that will help keep her mind off this. Really, the odds were that this wasn't going to work to begin with and most young people/ teens don't have the maturity to make break-ups as painless as possible. Other than that= I second what the others have posted.
     
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM, she was definately way young to have a long-term relationship. In the long run, this will be good for her - doesn't make it easier to watch as her mom though - it's heart-wrenching.

    In the meantime, just be there. Don't give her your advice, wait for her to bring it up. She needs a shoulder and an ear and a hug (and maybe some retail therapy). She will work it out for herself and with her friends. I agree that it's good you all have the trip planned. Don't walk on eggshells, it's part of life -- just be there when she needs you. Your mother instinct has always been good, you'll know what to do.

    Sharon
     
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto what everyone else said. Big hugs. I remember feeling so helpless when Casper broke easy child's heart. You just be there for her, don't pry and don't try and get her to talk if she's not ready. Hugs to you too, mom.
     
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Not that this matters NOW..........But with HER LOOKS and BRAINS?????? I YI YI.........

    No advice - going through the same thing you are here........hugs & love.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, UPDATE! He's coming over tonight to talk. And he said he cried all the way home. And he texted Jumper that she was the only person he had ever cared about or ever would care about. But he's so afraid she'll leave him, he tries to leave her first. If Jumper isn't getting tired of this, *I* am...lol. On the serious side, he talked about suicide again and that his mother isn't speaking to him (I thought things were better). But on thanksgiving Day, I had to do the driving and he didn't come here until 4:00. I wasn't going to drive him back at night and Tom has his eye issues...he can't see at night...so he slept on the downstairs sofa. Now Stepmother won't speak to him (and when she doesn't speak to him, she doesn't SPEAK to him) because he stayed overnight. I drove him home in the morning. I'm afraid to drive on the country roads at night too. It's way too dark and I can't see as well as I used to be able to see. And all she would have had to have done is let her use her car...they have three cars and he used to have the use of one and he paid the insurance on it, but she took the truck from him when he started dating Jumper. If he had had his own transportation, he would have gone home.

    The boy talks about suicide so much it scares me. And his parents know he is suicidal and his stepmother, who he calls his mother, doesn't help things. I sort of hope this talk results in a breakup, but it will be so hard for Jumper if it does. She was texting him all night...she is too attached for a fifteen year old, but there really is nothing I can do about it that won't make things worse. And, yes, for those who wonder, they are still both virgins. You'll just have to take my word on that.

    Jumper is my fourth teen and I know better than to try to insist they break up for good. That will only lead to more problems (for those of you with younger kids who think we should just put our foot down).
     
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Interesting twist is that the whole current scenario supports your word on this. It seems like once things get physical, "breaking up" is actually easier than it is when the involvement has not gone that far.
     
  11. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I would be super worried about the suicidal statements. It sounds like J. is not stable and you have reason to worry. I wish someone in his family would take him for an evaluation at a psychiatrist or therapist.
     
  12. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    The suicide talk is very scary. Have you brought this up to the kid's dad? You might want to bring it up, if not. Stepmom sounds a little off. I know if you push her, she'll stick by him, but somehow, someone needs to make her see that he's either doing this for attention or he's really screwed up. Either way, he's not ready for any kind of relationship and she's better off just being a friend to him until he's ready.
     
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My FIRST thought when I read your post about giving the phone back was that he was preparing to kill himself. This is VERY scary and these parents are being idiots about this. If they were so scared that he would move out and not talk to them, have they thought about what it would be like if instead of moving out he just left them FOREVER by killing himself?

    I pray he doesn't do it, but there are sooooo many signs and I am worried. You CANNOT make a teen break up with someone. It would be stupid to try and you are NOT a stupid mother or woman.

    I think Jumper handles this incredibly well, and you are doing all you can. I would problem have a stash of chocolate to help when she is upset - just something that I do with Jess. It doesn't "fix" anything and we both know it, but it is a temp pick-me-up and just something little to let her know I care.

    I am sorry this is such a recurring mess for Jumper to go through.
    Given all the times he has talked about suicide, I wonder if a call to a suicide hotline by YOU would give you some ideas to help the situation?

    You might suggest to Jumper that she tell him that if he is going to keep talking about suicide then he has to get some help or she won 't listen to it any more. He will get angry wth her, but it may be that she can push him to get help. It is NOT NOT NOT her job, but that won't help much if he hurts himself and she didn't do anything.

    I wonder if maybe the parents didn't want him to use the car because they were worried that if he and Jumper had a fight then he might try to kill himself while driving? I don't understand them, but then again if you haven't discussed this with them then maybe you are not getting the full picture either? (Just grapsing at straws here, of course).
     
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm torn between thinking that it is great that Jumper will be free to live her fun life and wondering if she should encourage him to seek professional help if he wants to remain friends. Part of me would love to see her carefree again. Part of me thinks that she may be the only one who could motivate him to get the help that might save his life.

    I've also wondered if J is avoiding help because he fears taking medications would interfere with his college scholarship or team acceptance. Admitting you have suicidal ideations has to be difficult for anyone but for a kid it probably falls into the same category of admitting you were abused. Very complex stuff.

    Personally I think the timing of your trip is wonderful. It will be good to get away from the situation and be reminded that there is scads of lifestyles to experience. Hugs. DDD
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and thanks. OMG, I didn't think that giving back the phone could be a symptom of suicide! Wow.

    I am truly at a loss. His family knows he is suicidal. I guess "mom" just doesn't take it seriously because this is NOT the time to get huffy and moralistic, even if they WERE having sex, and they aren't. But just say they were...is it worth it to push him over the edge? Father is more involved with him, but this is a family that doesn't talk.

    Jumper is VERY upset over this, but she isn't particularly feeling burdened or sad. She is a very carefree, happy kid, which I believe is partly what attracts her to him, and she has not been sulking. Although he scares her when he talks about suicide, I'm not sure how serious she thinks he is. I am going to suggest that she encourage him to get help. I don't know if he will. I am not going to encourage her to say "or else I won't see you anymore" because I don't want her to be the one who sets him off if he is truly suicidal. There is absolutely nothing I can do to stop her from being in his life. She wants him there. All of her friends drive. She would find a way to get to him, even if she had to sneak and we don't have that sort of relationship...I don't want to drive her to that. But, in a way, she and J. ARE just friends...there really hasn't been any sex. Both of them are against pre-marital sex and I think she would do it before he would...lol...but not at her age, not now. He is Tim Tebow religious...it may the only thing holding him together besides Jumper...the fear of what God would do if he killed himself.

    I am afraid he is seriously close to suicide and am going to talk to Jumper right now. We need to have a looooooong talk about how his constant talk of suicide is a red flag...and the phone and everything. He was going to come over and give her everything back that she gave him. The whole thing is chilling. I feel like calling his father, but he doesn't like me. I don't know if he'd even listen or if I can even reach him and I don't want to bother talking to stepmother. She makes things even worse. It wouldn't shock me if they blamed Jumper for his being suicidal and I don't think I could deal with hearing that right now. If anything he is hanging on because she is there for him and nobody else is.

    On Thanksgiving, his entire family was there and he has a huge family, but he sat apart from everybody else. I see a lot of scary warning signs.
     
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I was wondering if ........YOU could in private call the suicide prevention hot line and possibly explain what is going on to them and maybe get some good pointers for yourself from them about what may or may not help should this situation arise with J. It would be better to be armed with knowledge than shock and...they may have some local private resources for J you could have someone suggest or leave phamplets or a number -

    Just thinking out loud.
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Star. thank you for you always good advice. I may do that! I also have the book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy/depression. I'm going to tell him that I have struggled with depression all my life, and it was really bad at his age and that this book helped me (he's an avid reader). I am hoping he reads it...it not only covers CBT, but medication. I think, in his case, it is bad enough that he will need medication. This young adult is a great example of somebody who NEEDS medication, just like I do. At a time when he should be excited about graduating and getting into the college of his dreams, he is wondering if he should kill himself because he's no good. It is typical clinical depression, and nobody understands it. Usually you hear, "Snap out of it! You have so much to live for. WHY are you feeling sorry for yourself?" Then you feel even more useless because you CAN'T snap out of it. I know how it is.

    If Jumper gets really scared, I'm going to just call his parents and hope his father answers (his mother will be useless).
     
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Currently going through this exact same thing with Dude MWM - Never thought about that book - EXCELLENT IDEA - I'm going to send him my copy once he settles down. I'm too old for this junk. I'm really too old.....and tired, and oldntired. I didn't even go "OH boy I think it's safe to go back in the water!" lol - I KNEW it was coming with the holidays. THanks for your excellent idea~!! Hugs
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, Star, so glad if I could help. Self-help books were gold to me, if they were good ones. I read them in between sessions. They were like more therapy. I learned a lot too. This is one of the better books out there about depression and how to help yourself.
     
  20. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    How many more days until he is 18? Is he still planning on moving in with a friend? In a different situation he might be more willing to go get help.
     
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