Hello, As I read this it brings me to tears. My son is 15 and sounds like a mirror image of your boy. I am only now, due to his heightened behaviour, realising he has Aspergers. I do not have an official diagnosis. He is seeing a psychologist who suggests he is, and the penny has finally dropped for me. He was diagnosed with Dyslexia when he was 9 years old and was described as a 'spiky kid', who is really strong in some areas and really weak in others. He has very slow processing. He is obsessive about rapping and drawing. I have single parented Tom since he was 1 year old and have always thought he is a creative, 'out of the box', bit different, tricky, unusual kid, etc, etc... I have always been very open to difference. But, here we are in the teen years, he is verbally abusive to me on a daily basis. He is quiet and intelligent at school and hangs with the 'nerdy' crowd. Come christmas holidays he is happy to stay in his room and draw all day long. Doesn't seem to matter if he sees friends or not. He is in trouble at school for the first time and I am off to speak to the principal today. He has posted a picture of one of the teachers on facebook. It's not abusive, just funny (apparently) and it has taken me a while to impress upon him the idea of privacy and while he might find the content innocuous it is still not O.K. to take someone's photo and put it online. It took a while because he wanted me to admit I found it funny rather than address the action. During the conversation I suggested that while it might be funny to put a moustache on the Mona Lisa it is still not an O.K. thing to do. This upset him enormously, "No, no, no,no, no, no' he cried - that is just not funny! So I still have not mastered the art of having my son understand the consequences of his actions and am trying to work out a way to impress upon him that swearing at me is not O.K. Anyway, I'm ranting now and really just wanted to say it sounds like my son is a lot like your son and I hope their strengths and talents are recognised and they go on to do the things that give them the most joy and have good people around them who appreciate their individuality.
Needpaperbag,
My heart goes out to you! Even today, we were discussing attitude issues. Addressing a comment below, my husband and I both parent our son, and you would think that would make all the difference, but my husband was passive and so my son learned early to constantly challenge me. I think I am perceived as his peer, which always confounds me. I am a very vocal and firm mom, but also very fair and compassionate. He comes to me about many of his issues, I am his sounding board, but I am also the recipient of all of his frustrations - and they are many.
This week, out of desperation, we started something new. Because he can't seem to "hear" how he sounds to me (how he comes across) I have institute a "must write" his feelings and perceptions in the morning and when things go south between us. The plan is, we are trying to help him identify what He is feeling and perceiving and help him to learn how to address it more successfully. For example, he shared with me frustrations, fears, doubts, etc. that he does not know how to identify, take responsibility for, or react appropriately. We realized that at the root is the same old problem. He doesn't know WHAT he's feeling so he just feels "bad" and his frustration gets taken out on me - not on his dad and no one else - just me. I truly believe this is because we HAVE a relationship and he feels safe to be like that with me. I have repeatedly explained how damaging it is to continually treat anyone like this and he's teaching himself how to abuse at least women.
So, with his agreement, we started this "must write" project as a productive consequence to abusing me. Our concern is that he won't be able to keep a job or do well in a long term relationship if he can't identify or manage his own feelings. (Take responsibility for his own emotions, etc.) He attempts to make his problems my fault because he can't manage it himself and somehow justifies that I am the problem. Seriously! He told me this! When he spoke it out, he realized how irrational it was without my prompting.
Fifteen is just plain old horrible with the challenges your son faces. It was horrible for us/my son. It's so incredibly hard to find a way to help our songs connect with others who would appreciate them, and to help them find an appropriate way to process it all. I think the key is, don't give up. Add much as his reactions probably just tear you up inside, my even tear at your own self-worth, he is really struggling badly and he is the child. They try to make us feel wrong and even stupid, but you really are the adult and really probably his life line.
An example to give you hope. My son, with high I.Q., and very articulate, thinks he knows EVERYTHING! Very little humility! So, he has already had a major episode with Aspergers Burnout last year at this time, and I worked super hard to help him through it. Sleep, diet, routine, etc., critical to his returning health. But this year, he got cocky! Again! And again, I'm an idiot. He went back to his obsessive behaviors and two days ago, he collapsed - again. So now, he needs our help, advice, etc. And now, he's having panic attacks because he's fearful of having a health episode again in public as e did before when they had to call an ambulance, right? So... my husband and I are saying the same things, nothing different, but now his collapse has his attention. This time, I'm not rescuing him. We are doing the same, consistent things as parents, loving, reminding, supporting, cautioning, providing as needed (he is a dependent while in college). He is really stressed right now. Wake up call! His body is telling him he's out of control, not me. Right? Who could ask for a better lesson? So now, he's presented with this opportunity to learn how to tune in to his body and his mind and listen, discern, and respond appropriately or be ill. He has everything he needs to be well. He has to take the steps now to do it. We'll support him, but now he realizes he needs help and can't do it all on his own. LOL! For the first time tonight, he thanked me for preparing a hearty super before he had to go to night class because today his blood sugar dropped badly. But here's the thing, I didn't do anything different than I have always done - you know?
I see it as a crack of light of hope. He is now asking us (in the past few days) how we cope with fear, low blood sugar, feeling sick in a public place. Because he became sick over the weekend, we had to cancel 2 planned activities and miss very needed work (we have a family business). He wouldn't have cared at all at 15, but this time he realized how much stress he put on everyone because he let his obsessing with video games and movies keep him from sleeping, eating, and exercise.
So at 15 - it can look very bleak. But at almost 22, maybe something's starting to nature a tiny bit in that brainiac head of my son's. Someone also below mentioned how they mimic wrong behaviors is us as parents. No amount of discipline worked on my son. NONE! Nothing! Zip! No rewards, punishment, good behavior charts, nothing. If I sent him to his room, he enjoyed it. Taking anything away gave him more time for his imaginary world. The traditional neuro typical punishments just don't work here. Honestly, I think he just didn't understand any of it at all.
So, ... you just keep asking God, keep praying, keep explaining, keep loving him for who he is... keep trying ways to connect. I found that I had to find ways to enter his "world" in a way that made it safe for me to enter. In other words, he was very guarded and still is of his imaginary place. But now, with practice, I can enter on occasions and he enjoys it. He loves role play stuff, even has me make costumes for him for the local Renaisance Fair (please excuse spelling).
I think much of this is the hardest thing.... patience.
One last thing. I heard this last year from a mom just like us. She told me that she learned that Aspergers boys are usually about 2/3 the maturity of their biological age. So my son would be about 14 emotionally right now and that makes perfect sense to me. In fact, I work with about 5 young men with Aspergers right now, and all 5 of them exhibit the same thing as my son. As they get older, they become aware of it and it frustrates them. They see others moving on with life, but they feel like they're standing still. They want the things most men want but they can't seem to get it. My heart goes out to them all. I have experienced this in my own life.
I apologize for being so long winded. I wish so badly I could fix this for you with the magic cure or suggestion, I understand how badly this must hurt you and worry you as it does me.
