Can not piece this stuff together...too much drama

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Dec 22, 2008.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Contuining melodrama here...big time
    difficult child has a new boyfriend...who is a peculair mixture of a nice guy, good heart, difficult child tendencies...trying to be responsible, who might be an alcoholic. He is kind to her. He is respectful. However, he and her had a fight on Thangsgiving and more than likely he hit her. It is a long story. His version of it is that it was more like he was "restraining" her 'cause difficult child went off the handle and he was afraid the landlord would here and they would get evicted.

    The story is pathetic. His mom died a few years ago and this is when the trouble began. This boy lost his job and driver's license...I would think due to drinking. His father kicked him out of his home. difficult child let him move into her apartment.

    Ironically, in his own way...he has helped difficult child. He cleans her apartment and keeps very creepy people away. difficult child gets lonely and has almost no ability to set boundaries. People come by and take her food...all sorts of problems.

    When this guy (boyfriend) lost his job...we kind of felt like he was almost as bad (only with reference to the food...other things were very good) but were not sure. We still are not sure. IT is confusing because there is a certain amount of integrity to him. For example, he has been diligently (daily) looking for work.

    Very recently, he got another job and is scheduled to start again in early January. However, it is part time. He told my husband that he is sorry for the fight that he got into with our daughter and that he would repay her for the food as soon as he got money. He encourages difficult child to also look for work and has been very successful with- this.

    We had some work around the house that needed to get done and the guy that was suppose to do it...didn't show. So, right or wrong...we hired the boyfriend. He did the work and did an excellent job. He immediately replaced the groceries he took from difficult child with some of the money.

    I told him that we might be able to let him do "handy" work around the house perhaps once a month or once every other month and he said he was "very interested" and would work just as hard or harder than the person we were using previously.

    The boy's father and new wife invited difficult child for Christmas Eve dinner. She is excited about going.

    We have not invited him to anything to our home (recently or upcoming) and do not intend to do so. Do you think we should give him a small present for the holidays? I gave him a used book about alcohol addiction and he seemed appreciative...we could call that a gift.

    I was wondering if a small Christmas gift would be in order...perhaps to encourage him to keep his nose clean or if I should just stay out of it?

    Our son is angry about his behavior and doesn't want to encourage him. Husband and I are more neutral. I think our thought is that if he can help difficult child we are appreciative (in a very weird sort of way). much pain...
    Lasted edited by : Dec 22, 2008
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I guess it would depend whether you believe he really hit her or it was an accident while he was restraining her. Therre is a HUGE difference in the two acts.

    He really does sound like a pretty good guy barring the alcohol issue. Regardless, he is her boyfriend, he is living with her, he is helping her. I'd buy him a gift and I'd make it a real gift, not something about drinking, etc., but a more typical gift you would give a boyfriend. I'd also be inviting him over for an occasional dinner. The better you get to know him, the better you can judge if he really is a good influence and the better chance you have to help him with his problems.

    However, if you do believe he hit her, I wouldn't be encouraging the relationship until he started on the road to recovery. I'll tolerate a lot from my daughter's choices in friends but I will never tolerate someone deliberately hurting her.
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    I second meowbunny.

    Your daughter may or may not end up with this guy. He will always remember how you treated him initially.

    When my daughter brought home my now sister in law, he was really rough around the edges. I was not a happy mother. :/ Wouldn't ya know she ended up marrying the guy - and he has turned out to be the most devoted, wonderful young man. I truly love this young man. He has told us that one of the turning points in his life was our family.

    I think a gift is appropriate - something small - but meaningful.
  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I think a gift would be completely appropriate. This young man is your daughter's live-in boyfriend, and he has been helpful, honest, and displayed integrity and a good work ethic. The issue of him hitting your daughter sounds difficult to clarify; if you think it possible or likely that your daughter might have to be restrained during an argument, you'll have to accept their interpretation of the incident. If you really think he hit her, I don't imagine you would be having anything to do with him. In terms of gifts, I would not give anything pertaining to alcoholism or addiction, just as you wouldn't likely give a holiday gift of that sort to a neighbor or friend. Something small but thoughtful would undoubtedly be appreciated.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nomad, Rob's last girlfriend was not a good influence. They had a volatile relationship and seemed to bring out the worst in each other. Nevertheless, even for misbehaving difficult children, I always gave both of them a personal gift at Christmas, with no strings attached. Why? Because to me, Christmas is "truce time." It's about love and forgiveness and giving and goodness.

    Like it or not, this young man is in your daughter's life. I would give him a small gift, with no lectures or lessons attached. Hopefully this loving gesture will have impact on him....and if nothing else, you will have the joy of giving and that is a very good thing.

  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    While I understand your trepidation, unless you want to further alienate your daughter, you must at least acknowledge boyfriend at Christmas. If there is any abuse going on, you need to keep an eye on the situation. I also think that you may want to invite them both to the house for some kind of celebration for Christmas. This is not the time to be preaching lessons about addiction. If he has a problem with alcohol, I'm sure that his father has talked to him about it.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member


    Such complicated situations with our children when they grow, huh...?? Sheesh and to think of what I was upset at earlier in the week.

    It is rough call on multiple levels. I think as the others have mentioned a concern as to whether or not he really hit her, or not. That's a big part of it.

    (((sending hugs))))
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It seems he does have his good points, and there is doubt as to whether he hit your daughter or not. I am not even sure I would hinge Christmas on that.

    Your daughter has chosen him. She is living with him.

    How would you feel the first Christmas with your spouse if his parents did not acknowledge you at all, or gave you a book on addiction of any sort? How would you feel if YOUR parents did this?

    I agree that Christmas is "truce time" and that if your daughter is staying with this boyfriend then you need a small, appropriate gift for him. Maybe a gift card to a bookstore, or a something along those lines?

    It is hard as our kids grow up.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Like GG, when I brought home Tony he sure was rough around the edges..he still is...but he loves my family with all his heart. If anyone doubts that, they missed out on my little health scare. After 25 years we are still together but in the beginning you would have thought we would have never made 5 years! We fought all the time but underneath we loved each other. My dad sent us small gifts through those years but he sent the kids a ton of presents..
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you everyone!
    As a side note, we have invited thuis boy over to our home for dinner, etc. in the past, but have not done so since the "incident," and it may take awhile before we do something like that again.
    Yes, in some ways this boy is "rough around the edges." For example, the other day, with dirty clothes, he sat on my good pillows. Yet, I am very impressed with his "general" good manners and with the very gentle and kind ways he treats my difficult child. Although, clearly having difficult child issues himself, he also seems to have many good values and tries to share his thoughts with difficult child. Sadly, she has met with so many difficult people over the years that I have not seen this often. He surely has his issues, but he has many good qualities as well and it is very obvious. We have bought him a personal gift and will drop it off today. Thank you again for your help. I personally am struggling a bit with all of this...but am doing my best...what else can I do? Wishing everyone a happy holiday.
    Lasted edited by : Dec 28, 2008