Can't believe there other parents out there with kids like mine

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Gingerr, Nov 13, 2014.

  1. Gingerr

    Gingerr New Member

    I just found out Monday night through a supervised phone call that she broke her hand after she punched her boyfriend in the face. Her remark was "the pleasure was worth the pain". She was almost laughing. Two days later, she calls me almost crying that she misses me and she is hurt over breaking up with the boy even though they still talk to each other. Her Social Worker says she just flips back and forth and does things without thinking or if it is over to my daughter, it' over. I'm not supposed to be upset anymore if she isn't. I can't call her on it or explain for the 101st time she is not coming home until she accepts responsibility for herself. Of course, it will be difficult for her to come home when she doesn't like her social worker, case manager, therapist, or usually most of the other kids in the foster home she is staying at. This is after six months of care. Then before this latest incident, we had the best visit and time together in months. If anyone else reading this understands this rambling muttering, I know I'm in the right place which would be nice since I feel like I'm losing my mind with her sometimes. This is a hereditary genetic glitch because I love her so much and when you can't save your child with that kind of all encompassing love or she doesn't want to or is incapable of coming back to that love something is broken inside her head. Well, okay. Will be coasting along till the next phone call and potential for the dreaded "What fresh new H*** is this?'
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Gingerr. I hear you!
    I remember seeing a really sad moving when I was in 7th grade. You're surely too young to remember the old, huge metal movie reels where the film would sometimes get caught in the sprockets.
    Anyway, it was about a family that had a child who was mentally ill, and no matter what they did, it was still an unhappy ending and they had to send the kid away. The moral of the story was, "You can't cure mental illness with love."
    It was a talking point in both religion class and social studies.

    So, assuming that something *is* broken inside her head, I hope that she is in intensive therapy, mostly cognitive therapy, and on medication. I've seen a lot of kids learn from natural consequences and from having an authority figure point out their cognitive dissonance (repeatedly) who have at least moved forward, if not turned halfway around. It sounds like you've done the right thing by making space for yourself to breathe and grieve and let go.
  3. hhi

    hhi New Member

    I know you're really hurting and wanted to let you know that I feel for you. Some kids will never respond to the less extreme approach.

    I know how much it hurts. You just want to keep her safe and she just wants to push every button you own.

    Don't let her make you feel guilty. You are a good parent in an impossible situation. Take a break from the overwhelming feelings and do something kind for yourself ASAP. You have earned it.
  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you, me too
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I was going to type exactly what Terry did. You can not cure mental illness, a personality disorder or a lack of empathy (if all three are problems) with love. Changes require therapy so that the person can learn to understand what makes her tick. I don't think many of our difficult children, especially our younger ones, even know why they do what they do other than they're angry at someone or something unrelated to whom or what they defile/destroy or that they just want to do something even if they know they were raised not to do such things. Love is warm and fuzzy and most of us crave it, but it does not cause the insight a person needs to see things through a new set of eyes.

    I hope your child can turn it around. And, yes, you have a lot of company, although most people don't talk about it. We seem to think we are at fault and feel ashamed. But we did not cause it...our children are choosing to disregard the good morals and common sense we raised them with. None of us told our children that the way to live a good life is to thumb his/her nose at all rules and authority.None of us taught them to skip school or take drugs or fight or be disrespectful. It is a choice they made, etiology truly unknown.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  6. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Im not in the same situation but, do have 2 kids with issues, my son lacks empathy, has violence, does the blame game etc. I just wanted to say hello and lend you my support. Hugs to you