"Daddies and Donuts"

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by donna723, Feb 13, 2009.

  1. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I haven't posted much about my son for a while ... he's doing very well after all the drama of a few years ago. His hours at work have been cut back a bit but he still has his job (he made $11,000 more than I did last year!). For about the last year he's been sharing a house with a female roommate - strictly platonic. They've gotten along very well - she's got a good job and pays her bills on time - very responsible. She also has a six (almost seven) year old son that lives with them. She works days, my son ("D") works nights. D comes home from work in the morning, she leaves for work, D takes the boy to school, then sleeps till it's time to pick him up from school, then she comes home and D leaves to go to work ... he really spends more time with him than his mother does.

    So now he finds himself being the designated father-figure and role model for a six year old boy and he's gotten very good at it! Sounds good ... but the kid is a holy terror, a definite difficult child! No real 'disorders' I think, just spoiled rotten and used to ruling the roost and having his way. Throws tantrums like a toddler! His mother tries but he's learned that if he keeps on and keeps on, he will wear her down and she will just give in! The grandparents do the same thing! Not my son! The "rock" has met the "hard place" and it's almost funny! If he screams and hollers, D just turns the TV up and ignores him, so he doesn't do that much now since it doesn't work any more. If he comes home from school, slings his things around and then trashes the kitchen making a sandwich, D makes him clean it up! If he takes a shower and leaves the bathroom full of wet clothes and towels and puddles on the floor, D makes him clean it up! Nobody ever did that before! The kid stays mad at him a lot when he enforces the rules, but he's definately coming around! And he's with D so much, everyone assumes that he's his child. His bio-father is 'around' but never sees him and has never bothered to support him.

    So they were having this thing at his school today, "Daddies and Donuts", a father/son get-together thing that I really don't quite understand the point of ... but he wanted D to come! D felt funny about it and told him that he really should call his dad first and see if he wanted to go instead ... if he couldn't, then he would go with him. He refused to call his bio-father - insisted that D go with him! So he did! But isn't it funny that the one person who makes him toe the line and doesn't let him get away with any of his usual crappola - he's crazy about him! I think D is actually very pleased to see his behavior improving and that what he's doing is having a good affect on him. This kid has never really had a positive male role model in his life, someone who really cares, and it's made a big difference in him. But I can see some potential pitfalls too. This 'roommate' arrangement won't last forever and then they will be going their seperate ways, and it will be sad all around because this child has come to rely on him so much.

    And what's with the school having a "father/son" thing, especially in the middle of the day! Maybe it's just me, but it seems like anymore, there's an awful lot of kids that don't have "daddies" around to take them to something like this and they would be left out and couldn't participate! Sort of sad for those kids that couldn't go!
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    That sounds really positive. Kudos to D for making such a difference in the boy.

  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Well, your son certainly has become a responsible young man. Personally, I am very impressed that he would take on this responsibility without any other commitments. He sounds like a great catch!

    When the situation ends, you'll probably be surprised how attached your son has become to the boy and he will miss him.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I love that D is doing so well with the boy. It is strange that they have a father/son thing in the middle of the afternoon.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think what D is doing is AWESOME. Clearly what the child NEEDS.

    Daddies and Donuts, or Mommies and Muffins, is a way to get parents to come to school - for any reason. Kids do better when parents are involved, even in a non-academic thing like this.

    Our school has the high school teams or college teams or firefighters come up and sit with kids who don't have parents who can be there. The team varies from year to year, but it makes a big difference.

    Since my niece and thank you are at the same school this year, often Gpa goes up for lunch. He has a whole group of boys in thank you's class and girls in niece's class who flock to him. It started with Gparents' Day and then Gpa went for something else. Now if he goes to pick one of them up the kids are all over him.

    Kinda funny as he spent almost 4 decades as a jr high teacher, LOL!

    These activities really do mean a lot to the kids. And it is truly AWESOME that your son joined the child - and that the child CHOSE him. Often kids really respond to someone who sets limits and enforces them. The mom is very lucky to have your son!

    Give your son a hug from me. He is doing something VERY good.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Everything happens for a reason. Your difficult child is exactly what this child needed at this point in his life, and maybe even what difficult child needed at this point in his life as well. I think it's awesome how difficult child is bringing what you taught him to this child. :)

    And no, just because the roomate situation may come to an end doesn't mean that difficult child and this child's relationship has to end. Ever heard of "Big Brothers" ? difficult child could be this boy's Big Brother, and they could be pals for as long as it works for the both of them.

    My Mom divorced her 2nd husband after being married to him for only 5 yrs. Not one of us 5 kids were his, actually he had 7 grown kids of his own. But he was our "Dad" for the rest of his life. He took his role seriously, even though there was no bio to it. And it had an enormous impact in the lives of 5 kids. :)

  7. C.J.

    C.J. New Member


    I am so proud of your son. To reach out to a child in need, and fill a void in this child's life is an amazing gift. After my mom's divorce, my youngest brother latched on to his boy scout leader. The leader had a heart for kids (no creepy stuff). My brother is 42 years old now, and still keeps in touch with this man.

    While your son is not his father, he's doing fatherly things with him, and this boy will never forget that.

    Give your son a pat on the back from me.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It really IS a big deal to reach out the way your difficult child is doing. The cousin I mentioned was actually the son of my mom and dad's best friend (my aunt). She has had many husband's over the years. The husband she has now she was married to earlier. He is not her son's biodad, but is his dad in his heart. At age 18 my cousin LEGALLY took this man's name. My uncle, as I have called him for over 30 years, could not be in my cousin's life for a while because his wife was bipolar and very very jealous and we were afraid he would hurt my cousin. But he always WANTED to be there.

    This is part of why my dad played such a big role in my cousin's life. Your difficult child will get rewards from this that last through his entire life, whether he stays roommates or not with the mom. I sincerely hope he stays in contact with this boy. You might suggest your difficult child read Love and Logic Parenting by Faye and Kline or the Explosive Child.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Donna, I don't know how I missed this post. It's so good to hear about your son and how terrific he is doing. What a great heart he has. After living through the hard times with our boys together, I'm so proud of the man he is becoming!

  10. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Not a bad idea but then again....this is a (former?) difficult child we are talking about. I don't know if he would NEED the books because he himself has lived the techniques! LOL