difficult child stabbed yesterday, he's okay, in hospital

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Childofmine, Aug 28, 2014.

  1. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I got a phone call from the social worker at the day shelter about 3:15 yesterday to say that difficult child had been stabbed by his girlfriend in a parking lot across the street from the shelter. The girlfriend ran away, and they called the EMTs to take difficult child to the hospital. I went to the hospital, as did easy child and ex-husband.

    The cut was to the bone, and required surgery. We sat and waited until he was out and saw him. We never got to talk to the surgeon so I don't know much about any possible complications or if he can expect full use of his hand and arm.

    difficult child is in rare form. Or actually, in his old usual form. He swears and claims that the girlfriend didn't do this. He said he did it to himself...accidentally.

    The social worker said that as far as she knows, nobody actually saw the incident, but that girlfriend was drunk and was there with difficult child, who was talking to the social worker about help finding a place to live. girlfriend was yelling at difficult child, and they "took it across the street." There, people said, she was hitting him in the face and she was heard to threaten him with the knife.

    Then, the next thing you know, he has been stabbed. She is in jail on $15K bond for aggravated assault. difficult child swears he is going to get her out and is going to sell his car, we don't understand, we think we know everything, but we don't, everybody is arguing with him and he's the one who got stabbed and should know who stabbed him or didn't, we are acting like he did something wrong, he is the one who is hurt....blah blah blah. With a lot of cursing thrown in.

    When I got to the ER yesterday, he had been given morphine. I asked the nurses and doctors if they knew about his drug addiction, in front of him, and he quickly and rudely told me yes, Mom, I already told them. They said he had. I talked to the ER doctor who had to get permission first from difficult child to talk to me, and difficult child acted rudely about that, didn't want to give it, but finally did, and the doctor said it was a very serious and deep cut(s) to the bone and would require surgery. They called in an orthopedic surgeon to do it.

    difficult child had the old look on his face, dulled out, high, ranting and going on and on, sucking up all of the energy in the room, being belligerent, dramatic, talking loud. High. I'm sure he needed the morphine, but I hate seeing that look on his face.

    Anyway, after he got out of surgery, we went to the room, and even then, he was still in his rare form (see above). We started walking into the room and he asked us to leave so he could talk to the nurses. easy child could hear through the door and he was going on and on about the girlfriend and wanting her to come up there to spend the night, etc. Split them up so he can manipulate. That is a long held tactic of his.

    Finally, we were allowed into the room, and we had all three decided we were only staying for a few minutes. All difficult child wanted was to use one of our phones and call or text her, and to keep on talking about how everybody is f'ed up and blah blah blah. I said no use of my phone, I love you, I hope you feel better, and I'll see you later. I left. easy child and Ex stayed. Ex let difficult child use the phone and it was out of power and died immediately. easy child said no to using his phone so difficult child cussed them both out and they left.

    About an hour later, a car pulls up to my house and difficult child gets out and comes to the front door. I did not let him in, and he talked to me through the window. He kept saying let me in, let me in, Mom. He started crying and saying I just want to talk to you about this (his arm). I said no, please leave, and if you don't leave I am calling the police. I went to get my phone and called SO and said do you think I need to call the police (SO out of town on business). He said yes, and as I walked back to the front door, difficult child left in the car.

    He also went to ex-s house, plus he went to girlfriend's mother's house. He is a man on a mission. Then he went back to the hospital (not sure how all of that worked, leaving and coming back) and proceeded to call me several times through the night, getting nicer and nicer with each call.

    I did sleep some, was awake for about an hour and a half in the night, thinking about what I am going to do/not do, say/not say.

    He has already called several times this morning---and finally I took one of the calls. I wrote down what I wanted to say and tried to stay on "script" during the call I took but of course I wasn't able to. He is always way ahead of me in this game we play.

    He is "meeting with the detectives" this morning. He is going to tell them she didn't do this. He is going to sell his car and get her out of jail. This is not right. Nobody knows what happened except him as "she left 45 minutes before this even happened..." blah blah blah. I said, (engaging, which is something I said I would not do), if you did this to yourself, then you need inpatient psychiatric care. Of course, he didn't, and I have never believed he has been suicidal, but who the heck knows anything anymore?

    That set him off. I finally said, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I love you, I wish you the best, and I'm not getting involved.

    Once again I have been taught something new I needed to learn. I thought, because it appeared he was trying some---the job---and talking and sounding different, that he was truly on a pathway. I thought maybe that is what recovery looks like, because that is what my recovery from enabling was like, small steps, fits and starts, etc.

    But now I believe this: When he truly starts on a different path, everything will be different. He will not be around the same people, places and things. Like MWM said about her daughter (I think, I'm a little fuzzy right now so forgive me if it's RE who said this instead), she was alone for a long time because she had no one. I think that is a true sign of change.

    difficult child has not done that. He has continued to live on the ragged edge of life. Making overtures---like the job---but not wanting to do anything that has to do with living by someone else's rules. That is key. He wants to live by his own rules, and nobody else's. That's why no rehab, no halfway house, no overnight shelter. All of those places require rule-following.

    It's too bad. Because I am another step closer to "done." I still don't want to go "no contact." I am still fighting that, but I see it out there, down the road a bit, waiting for me.

    difficult child needs long-term inpatient rehab. But first, he needs the desire to change. He needs that spiritual awakening that is so necessary.

    He is "in love" with girlfriend, of course. He is fighting the "good fight" for her, he thinks. Well, you and I can both imagine how this is going to turn out. I hope nothing really really bad happens to him, but I can't be a part of this insanity. I am not going to be. I can't do one thing to change what he will decide to do.

    There has been a lot of drama in the past 18 hours and I am sure there is more to come. I am going to go about my day today. I have a client meeting this morning, and I am going to go there, prepared.

    I am very thankful for the recovery I do have to rely on right now, in the trenches. This is a very sad thing, but strangely right now I feel like I am okay. Maybe I am in shock or something. I do know this: I am very very very tired of all of this.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    COM< you have helped me so much that I wish I had comforting words for you other than I'm sorry and I'm glad your son will be ok. It is too bad they refuse to turn in the difficult children who threaten them, but I think that is part of GFGdom. And it is too bad that even when we ARE there supporting them, they still abuse us.

    Keep repeating the Serenity prayer in your head over and over again.

    This girl is bad for him. I hope she does prison time, in spite of difficult children denial that she did it. I think it's true that as long as our difficult child's best buddies use drugs, our difficult children don't get better so best if she's gone a while, not to mention paying the consequences for her actions, which were dangerous.

    My daughter had no friends for months after she quit, except for her boyfriend. She was very lonely, but unwilling to take up with drug users again. She was lucky too though. She left our state and had no car so she had tons of time to think about her life. I hope your son gets there too. Many prayers for both of you.
     
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh my dear, dear COM, I'm so very sorry to hear this. Your recent posts had been so positive, with the job and all. People do crazy things sometimes in relationships. There are women who stay with boyfriends who beat them and men who'll stay with a crazy woman too. We had an attorney in our office, who was someone's difficult child, who's wife once attacked him with a knife. To my knowledge, he stayed with her. Of course, he also lost his job here in time, though he'd been here several years, his mental state just didn't hold up to the pressure of this job and he'd go missing during the day, once people couldn't find him and he called to say he'd checking into the psyc hospital.

    I guess my point is, when I hear of someone with problems wanting to "help" someone who's done something crazy like attacked them, I always think of him. It makes no sense to us, but it does to them I guess.

    As for yourself, all I can do is offer virtual hugs and prayers for your strength and peace of mind. :grouphug:
     
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Everything is going to be fine, COM. Your son is safe.

    There is nothing you could do to change this.

    Can you envision enclosing the trauma of that phrase "to the bone" in a separate compartment?

    Something white and clean, something air tight.

    When the kids have been hurt, It's like a part of us blacks out, and we literally cannot think. We lurch from thing to thing, but all the connections are messed up.

    This will pass, COM.

    Nothing has changed.

    Your son is a man.

    There is nothing you need to do.

    There is nothing you can do.

    Let son know you love him, let him know what this cost you. Maybe bring up the kind of girl you thought would be his wife, the kind of girl you believed would mother his children.

    We are right here, COM.

    You are going to come through this in one intact piece.

    It will all work out as it's meant to.

    Hold faith with that thought, COM.

    It will get you through this.

    Cedar
     
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  5. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    COM,

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I am thinking about you and praying for you and your difficult child. You should be very proud of yourself for how well you are handling this. You are a very strong, brave and wise woman. Thank you for being such a good role model for all of us here.

    Big hugs,
    TE
     
  6. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    COM -- Your post moved me. I'm coming into your scenario late, but, in some ways, can almost sense the details of how it has unfolded. A few thoughts of support...

    Not letting him in your house afterward -- Wise move. Sometimes it's just necessary -- for safety and sanity. And, by the way, I absolutely related to your phone comment. When our Drama Tornadoes were winding up at home, I remember holding onto my phone (even pre-cell phone days) for hours at a time. It was the lifeline of immediate help when 911 was needed -- and called.

    difficult child's "odd" look on face -- That look is horrifying on many levels. You are smart to see it, note it, and heed it. When that look is there, they are just "checked out"........as in, no one's home.

    Script -- Really great idea writing down a script, even though it was hard to stick with! Yes, their manipulation skills are their super powers. But..........wouldn't it be nice if they'd just play chess games instead of headgames?

    People in his life -- Absolutely agree with everything written. When they really want to change, they also change who they hang out with. Toxic is toxic.

    Rest -- Are you able to get any time off or a day of rest just for yourself to rest and replenish? I remember episodes similar to yours and they just sucked the life out of us for a day or 2. It's like getting run over by a truck. It's physically painful and exhausting. Shoot, it's even hard for the difficult child. I remember our difficult child would sleep for like 16 hrs straight after a police incident (he was a minor at the time, so he was in our home).

    Geez.... even our dog was utterly exhausted (and she was a border collie!).

    I feel your heart, Childofmine. Take care, get some rest when/where you can, and know that you're not alone.

    Sometimes this whole parenting experience of difficult child's like ours is like an extendo Twilight Zone episode, right? Everything skewed.
     
  7. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    PS -- I'm glad your son will be ok (physically) after this knife incident. I hope (just as much or even more) that you will be ok, too. No offense to him, just know that my heart is more on you right now. Take care.
     
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  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. AT the same time, I so admire your strength and wisdom. This is what we are all going for here. Sorry sooo crude, but I nominate you for mom with the biggest "you know what's" around and I made that in a very good way! Bravo!!!!! Sad that this happened and I hope your son heals soon. BUT, I LOVE what you said about going about your day and being prepared for your client meeting, etc. Even though it is sometimes hard for us to see it through the crazy drama, life really is good and as you know, we need to move forward....as you are doing so well...even under very stressful circumstances!!!!! Blessings.
     
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  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    COM, my heart aches when I read the latest on your son. I have no words of wisdom to share, just words to let you know I am following along and am so very, very sorry that this storm is trying to suck you back in. You are one of the wisest and kindest people on this board, but your wisdom and compassion come at such a great price. I know you will be all right, I know the skills you practice and share with us will see you through and you will be able to stay on the periphery. He is a man, there is nothing you can do, you handled everything perfectly. I'm just so sorry that you had to hone those coping skills once again.

    We are all here for you.
     
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  10. Esri

    Esri Member

    Hugs. I wish I could offer you more.


    ME 42
    husband 40
    DD1 18
    DD2 9

    My oldest moved out a week after turning 18. I'm really struggling. Looking for advice.
     
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry COM. I'm here too. You are a WARRIOR of the highest rank, I am in awe of your strength, your compassion and your insight, and I know how very hard this is on you too. You're doing a terrific job in the trenches...................I hope you get some down time and that you can rest and recuperate over the weekend. You will, as always, emerge from this with more skill and more resolve and more inner peace too...............Big hugs to you my friend...............
     
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  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    childofmine...
    Just wanted to wrap my arms around you ((((hugs))))

    Stay strong,
    LMS
     
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  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that you have had to endure this trauma. You have handled it all with dignity and grace and wisdom. It probably doesn't feel that way to you, but it is still true.

    Please don't EVER let your son into your home with that look on his face. Absolutely NOTHING good can come from that. Your safety must come first.

    (((((hugs)))))
     
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  14. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    COM,
    Folks have written so many of my very thoughts to you, but the post from Cedar helped me breathe a little slower, as I hope it did you. Because, the news you shared was unsettling and scary and so not what any of us wanted for your son. The stabbing is enough of a crises that a parent with less practice in detachment could easily have folded. But, you are working through this, remembering what works and what does not. Cedar is correct; nothing has really changed....and I did not see that until I read her post and thought about it.....

    Why, oh why, don't our difficult child's want to change their lifestyles so this kind of thing would not be so apt to happen? Why do they not want to hang around with nice folks who do not carry knives? And, i know that I cannot know why because we do not think alike. It's a useless question anyway.

    I am just so sorry this happened.
    Roseanne Roseannadanna, when she said Well, it just goes to show you...it's always something...

    ...and i am not trying to be funny, but it's the stinking truth.

    Keep us posted. I am praying. right now

    SS
     
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  15. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Just wondering.... How are you today, Childofmine? Get some rest and things go ok with your client meeting?
     
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

     
  17. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Oh COM! I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm glad your son is ok and that you're able to remain so strong throughout it all. You are a true warrior mom!


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  18. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Sorry to hear of this, and sorry that even in spite of injury that difficult child continued to 'play the game' and put you in that position.

    ((hugs)) to you.
     
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  19. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    So sorry for your son. Please know I am praying for all of you. This is all to familiar.


    Annie2007
     
  20. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear about all this. It's honestly just as horrifying if he stabbed himself or if she did it. If he did it, he's a danger to himself and others. He has a lot of anger. What happens next time they fight? It will be worse.
    You're doing everything right. Keep doing it. Call the police if he comes near your house, I'm sure he's getting more upset as time goes on. Keep doing nice things for yourself.
     
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