Facebook curse

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Jan 1, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hhonestly, this mild angst was my own fault. Now I know how parents who check FB feel when they get a "slap-in-the-face" post about themselves from a wayward adult child.

    I got up early, was bored, and started playing on the computer on FB.

    I will never ever do that again, except for reading my own FB or my REAL family's FB, those who see me in a positive light. Why do I do these things to me? Facebook is the Devil. Ok, so it's my own actions...

    I checked out my brother's and sister's FB. It was interesting, to say the least. They are madly trying to make sure I can't post to them or even see what they say. My brother blocked me, but I was able to get on and read his. Finding out I was blocked hurt me so I just went on my hub's FB account and looked at it from there.

    He had a long post about how he never accepts apologies, they are just words, and he goes by actions first. It was probably aimed at me, although he didn't mean for me to read it. But I did send both of them Christmas cards to try to be civil. They didn't have messages attached to them and I did not apologize or write anything. They were just signed "The Marshall Family" or something like that as I had them done at Walmart photo. I was trying to show a little friendliness, but not too much. Perhaps he took it to mean I apologize for something I never did since I have not seen him for years or spoken to him either. But it was dated Dec. 26th, right after it would have arrived, and it was the only post that wasn't about the school he is teaching at. So I am taking it to mean he was venting about me. It is kind of interesting to see how your siblings take things. We all have such different perceptions of the past. I think of him as somebody who I fought with sometimes, but was there for when nobody else was. I have no real idea what he thinks.

    My sister is under a new name so that I can't find her. The only reason I know is that she posted on my brother's FB. I shouldn't have checked her FB, but I did. There was no message to me...lol. Does she think I am going to try to friend her after our last altercation? I never want to talk to her again, let alone friend her. And so what? She can refuse it if I did. Why does she care if I see her FB? I haven't blocked anyyone from mine, but if they tried to friend me, I'd just decline. I guess this is the new way to tell you that you are socially unacceptable trash to them as everybody knows that there is no real way to totally hide on the internet.

    Maybe I'm putting too much into it.

    I am trying hard to put the past into the past, where it belongs, and they are part of the past. I don't know why, every so often, I sabatage my own healing by checking up on peopoe who are gone from my life, but who have hurt me.

    I really think it was better, for those of us who need to detach from anybody, when there was no FB. I remember during those long years when my sister/brother didn't want to speak to me and all I had was the silent telephone. It was a lot easier to detach, since I had no option about checking on them.

    "The past no longer exists."

    Why is there a tendency in some of us to dwell on the past when the present is good? I don't understand myself sometimes. Why do I still, at age 61, feel the need to prove to my sister and brother that I'm really not the bad person they think I am? Why does it make me angry and sad that this is wh at they have decided? Why do I care at all?

    Yet...I am doing better with this now. I am using my coping skills to move on and I know this won't last long.

    Still...we are so married to those who have abused us. At least, I am. I have to keep working on this.

    Thanks for reading the vent. Feedback welcome.
     
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    MWM, without you to focus and discharge their hatred, the sibs drown in its overflow. Raised as you were, they will vibrate around those same core issues I think, but each from a different perspective than yours.

    That is how it was explained to me.

    It is the same, sick energy being processed in each sibling. The healthier you seem, the further away from the hurt of it, the more they are left to ruminate in their own toxicity.

    Their efforts to come back into balance, now that you are not the fulcrum for the discharge of energy, become desperate.

    That is how it looks to me.

    I cannot imagine why my sister continues to call me? But one of the first things she said was: "We've been duped."

    We ~ my sister, my brother, my mother ~ are not involved, these days. So "we" could not have been duped. My sister and my mother have to play by themselves, now. Neither is famous for playing nicely or well.

    There is no buffer, now. There is no one to redefine or reinterpret the meaning of the things they do.

    I feel badly for you, MWM. It hurts, I know. But you have us, and we know you, and we know better than those things they posted about you. Personality does come through, here on the site. The more we post to and about others, the less we can hide about ourselves.

    You are deeply cherished here, MWM.

    There is a reason why this is so.

    I am so sorry, but your family continues to be toxic to you. You cannot help or save them Pam, any more than I could help or save my own family of origin.

    But I think we always hope...and that is the weapon they then use against us.

    You did the right thing in sending the cards and in loving your family enough to want to know how they are through checking them out on FB.

    That counts.

    But...it isn't about them, anymore.

    Thank heaven, it isn't about them.

    They will have to find their own way Pam, just as you did. It is not an easy thing, to tell ourselves the truth. Some of us never do find the courage and so, we do not change.

    You did.

    Alone is better than toxic.

    I am sorry for the hurt of it.

    Cedar
     
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are hurting because of their actions.

    It does hurt, when someone decides to detach from you. But you have to remember, that detaching is about them, not you. They are doing it for their own peace of mind, not because who you are. Your shared past, your interaction with them may cause them pain and chaos they do not want into their life. It is same as in your detachment from them. You are not detaching from them because they would be awful people but because your interaction causes you pain and drama.

    Blocking someone from Fb is a bit like getting a restraining order, only you don't have to show a legit reason for it, but can do it just because you want to. But it is a clear message to blocked person, that they should not come closer or try to get around being blocked, so in there you made a mistake in using your husband's account to try to get around being blocked. But try to remember, that this is not about you, it is about their feelings and their point of view. They are doing this to have peace of mind for themselves, not to make you feel bad or because you would be a bad person. Not any more than in you detaching from them. Your interaction is toxic, but it doesn't mean any of you would be bad people, but to keep the peace and to avoid drama, you have just decided detach from each other. Or that at least is, how it looks to outsider.
     
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    :smashcomputer:
    You might be. I have come to the realization that most people really do not give people out of their immediate circle more than a fleeting thought. The negative things said were most likely aimed at a SO, co-worker, or friend.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks to both of you. Yes, you are both right.
    Thank you.

    Cedar, I was just thinking, after I posted and was making coffee, that if I totally back out, they will never have a reason to talk about me again. What then will they discuss? I don't care.

    I called my father to tell him to stop telling them to call me. He does that and I think it just makes them both rebellious. I told him it is no use and I would not talk to them anyway and to accept that his kids will never get along. My kids don't all get along either. So what? That is up to us, not him.My Dad was close to his siblings, but not us, his kids. I'd rather be close to my husband and kids than to my siblings, if I have to make a choice. But sibling relationships seem to mean more to my father than the relationships we have with our immediate family. Heck, he cared more about his mom, dad, sis and bro than all of us put together when we were growing up. So that's why he keeps harping on it.

    Suzir, I am hereafter going to respect their boundaries and stop wondering why they did them. You were 100% right. I should not go where I am clearly not wanted. That is a valid point!

    However, when my sister tries to contact me again, as she always does, I am not going to receive it. I have always forgiven her in the past no matter how many times she has blocked me or called the police on me or lied about me and perhaps she thinks I have done the same to her. The point is, we are toxic to one another and should not be in touch in any way.

    As for my brother, although it is way too late to tell my father, who really wants me and my brother, who he thinks is a Saint, to be "friends." Odd word for siblings. But when I planned his 85th birthday party and we suddenly had a housing crisis and could not go to Chicago, although all of my kids would have been there, and my sister and brother too...the party was canceled and I was blamed and he was so mad he wouldn't speak to me for a month and I had to grovel to get THAT. He apparently said HORRIBLE things about me to said brother and shortly after brother sent long, long rambling hate letter to me about how I don't love Dad. As soon as I saw the first line, I gave it to my husband, who is well aware of my faamily dynamics, and told him to read it and asked him if I should read it or not. He crumbled it up and said, "Just more of them being crazy. Your brother never had to move in his life, never had a family, he doesn't get it. Forget it. It's not you. It's him." I have a great hubby. But since the 85th birthday deal, in which the party was called off strictly because Tom and I could not go, Dad spouted off about how terrible I am and it stucfk with my brother. He would never talk to me after that. It caused a lot of problems.

    Bottom line: If you care passionately about your children being "friends" then don't spout off hatefully about one child to another. It is now what it is.

    I feel better now that I typed this out and read your response and Suzirs. Both of you are right. I can't change what they think and I should let them go because at this point in time they clearly want me to.

    However, I am very firm in my resolve to never let them back in, especially Sister, because she has done this at least ten times and the games are over.

    Thanks again to both of you. You are both so smart in different ways and I feel the diversity of opinions is very helpful.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That is also possible, but I don't think so. Either way, I have to stop caring and I'm heading in that direction already. Thank you for your feedback.
     
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is true in a way, SuZir.

    In my family of origin, there has to be someone who is the wrong one. There has to be someone "outside" so the others can relish being "inside."

    It has always been that way. It is a dynamic thing.

    This designated outsider changes ~ but there always is one. There is always someone who has offended to such a degree that they must be isolated, thereby providing the core value around which the rest of the family unites. Even, and maybe especially, the decision to isolate from the family will serve as an adequate reason to unite against the offending family member.

    There is no way the designated isolated person could do right.

    The determination has already been made.

    But I see, in my family of origin, that the free flow of toxicity has to discharge somewhere. Initially, the chosen target does not have to be aware of it, for the toxic discharge to work. But, sort of like with a car battery that will no longer take a charge, when the family no longer has access to that relief that comes from blasting away at someone who has always taken it, has always excused and believed it could all be made better, could be made to work if only we all made a conscious effort to do so the energy no longer has anywhere to go. It turns inward and back onto them.

    It seems to me that MWM's family of origin is still trying to focus and discharge their toxic energies through uniting against her.

    Here is the thing. I am not sure why my sister is calling. I know she will be calling again, because she told me she will be. I get it that this is a little piece of domination. But I don't hate her for it. I am aware of the nature of the energy flow, now. It took a long time for me to get that these things could be true.

    But that seems to be what is happening.

    I don't know what to say or do or think about it, so I am not doing anything.

    Cedar
     
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) I know exactly how you are feeling. It takes time and practice to stop letting them hurt us, and often it takes a LONG time! Your family of origin is dysfunctional and it probably drives them NUTS that you won't play in their sick dramas any longer. The family of your heart, of your choosing is vastly more healthy and loving. You have built an immediate family that you are clearly the heart of, and an extended family (including all of us here) that loves and treasures you.

    Maybe someday your family of origin will wise up and realize all the love and fun and wonderful things that they threw away with their emotionally ill behavior, maybe they won't. Either way, they have lost and are losing an amazing treasure worth more than all the riches and wealth in the world.

    Accept your feelings, allow yourself to feel them and process them, and then move on to one of the wonderful things going on in your life.

    (((((hugs)))))
     
  9. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    That is the classic bullying situation in the group. Most researched re school bullying, it is a group dynamic situation and it doesn't change even if the main players are removed, there will just be new players for the roles.

    Which is kind of what I meant. To me it seems like MWM's family of origin does have very toxic interactions with each other. Changing those dynamics would be very hard and require lots of work from all and possibly outside help. That is not likely to happen, I assume. So, what participants can do to escape that toxic interaction, is to detach from it. They may not have a power to change the merry-go-round of their circus, but they can choose not to ride it. And to me it seems that is more or less what they are aiming at. But it of course hurts and there is some going back and worth (on the other hand, it is a familiar merry-go-round and that has it's solace and it is likely not have been all bad and so on.) But I just don't find it likely, that anyone would spend so much of their time simply trying to make their sibling miserable, it is more likely that there is lots of confusion and hurt feelings and inability to change family dynamics in all sides and in the end they just come to a conclusion, one by one, that they have to let it go.

    MWM: I very well understand that you have had enough of that merry-go-round and are not going to hop right back to it, if you sister tries to get you to do it again. You don't like the rules or your role in the play your family of origin has played for decades, it certainly is wise to decline taking part, because it is unlikely that the dynamics would change.
     
  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I want to add that though it can hurt us, it can be important to review where we are, what we have done, how we see our families of origin, today. We have worked hard to see ourselves differently than they told us we had to. There is toxicity at the hearts of some of our families. At the same time, every loving family fantasy we ever had revolves around these people we love.

    These are our people.

    They are part of our lives, part of who we are.

    It is a really hard thing, to separate the toxicity from the loving them. These things are so closely intertwined. The game has been ongoing for sixty years and becomes increasingly more complex.

    We have to look and try to understand whether we need to do something different, whether we need to step up or step back or forgive.

    Or whether we just need, for right now, to let go.

    I can understand wanting to know.

    I don't have a curiosity about it, yet.

    Cedar
     
  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is interesting. I had not considered calling what happens bullying. That is what it is though, isn't it.

    Still, the feeling of being that little girl who doesn't get to ride...ouch. The grass is always greener where we cannot (or where we refuse) to go.

    I miss many things about my family; I wish for that warm, happy family I think everyone else has, all the time.

    Probably that is why I have to invite every neighbor who is alone on a holiday
    whether husband is happy about that or not.

    I am going to begin to call what happens in my family of origin bullying, SuZir.

    I like that way of looking at things very much.

    Cedar
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I like using bullying too.

    There is always a REASON somebody is the bullied, but that doesn't make it right. I know how it started in my family. I had Learning Disability (LD) problems in a very high achieving family, I was difficult and raged anad had tantrums and was sensitive to critism and cried a lot. The only time my mother liked me was when I was doing well in drama or singing or winning a creative writing award. Other than that she was tearing me down and my two younger siblings heard that and also heard me, no shrinking violet, defending myself or crying. I also had an uncle, my mom's brother, who labeled me "the brat." Not sure why. I didn't have much. But my mom thought it was funny, let him do it, and the other two heard her. At the same time, my brother, due to his high intelligence coupled with his having no friends (and Mom feeling so sorry for him) and his Crohn's Disease, became Mom's Golden Boy. My sister and I had clear memories of him as a teenager laying in bed with her almost undressed. It made both of us uncomfortable, even though we knew nothing was going on and that he was often ill. But it was highly odd. If anyone dared say a word against him, Mom was in their face like a crazed animal.

    My sister was ignored as she tried to disappear and not be home much. Later, she tried to literally disappear with severe anorexia. There was much fighting among my parents.

    Of course I was also the one who called out the dysfunction when I got to be a teenager and that REALLY got everyone started on me. Maybe they felt I was wrong to air dirty laundry. Does why even matter anymore? It blew up, like a Fourth of July explosion, and I was "bad." No matter what I did it was for a bad reason. Do you know why I adopted my kids? To get th e adoption subsidy money!!!! Of course, Sonic was the only child who even had a small subsidy, but my mother told everyone I didn't really care about my kids. I just wanted "the money." Of course "everyone" in her verymall circle was just our warped family. My grandmother, her mother, always stuck up for me making it worse. That just made my mother pick on me more.

    It was destined to be this way. And, trust me, none of the three of us had no issues. My brother has been in therapy for over twenty years. My sister has anorexia and is in therapy for many reasons. I'm just the cause of everything bad that ever happened to our group of DNA.

    Cedar, I'm different from you. I vehemently loved my little sister and tried hard to take care of her when she was in college and my mom, going through her divorce and second teenage years, totally ignored her, wouldn't even stay home with her on Thanksgiving and Christmas college breaks. Through the years, with all that has happened, the love has died. There is nothing left except disgust and a feeling of "I don't ever want to see you again. Ever. To the point where I may not attend my father's funeral." I am going to call his rabbi about this, tell him how I feel, and see if there is a way I can pay my respects in a separate and maybe more meaningful way when the time comes. I don't want to see my brother either. Toward him I only feel a sense of apathy.

    This is what happened to jumpstart this episode where I foolishly sent my sibs a rather benign Christmas card.

    I had a cancer scare. My father was furious at my sister for not contacting me to say how sorry she was I had cancer, although I didn't. But we didn't know yet. He is a very impulsive man. So he did his famous "You either text her or you are disinherited!" Now that no longer works with me and he knows it and has been strangely nicer to me since he realizes I don't care what he does with his money and that he can't control me with it. But my sister is desperate to have it. So she texted me and I thought that was nice and my heart softened a bit. I texted her back: "It really socks t hat we can't get along. I do care about you and wish we could do better. But it is what it is." Then I sent a Christmas card to show there were no hard feelings, although I think I had made it pretty clear I didn't want to hear from her. It didn't occur to me that Sis had only texted me because Dad threatened her until Dad told me. I should have known.

    I made him promise never to mention me to either of them again. I mean, my sister would run into busy traffic if my father told her she had to do it or he'd disinherit her. I don't need wrong messages coming from a threat.

    When I heard what had REALLY transpired my spark of warmth died and I'm back to never wanting her in my life again. Never wanting to lay eyes on her again. Ever. Or my brother. There are no more funerals after my father. Our family is very small. If I do go to it, that will be the last I ever see them. I don't want my father to die soon, but he is not feeling well and I'm worried about him. And I have to make a plan in advance because when it happens I will be too sad to think straight. My therapist is way on board with this.

    My dad is a narcissistic and has said horrible things to me, but he is the only one in my small family of origin, other than my grandmother, who treated me as if I were as worthwhile as the other peple in our family. We share the bond of both being the black sheep. My dad took the hit in the divorce with both my brother and my sister.

    After t hat early start of hurt this morning, I really had a nice day mostly with Sonic and my hubby is home too. I have come so far. I can drop the family of origin thing really fast now and move on. This was not always the case.

    Thanks for the bullying analogy. It most certainly was bullying. I wonder if they will turn on one another when I have been gone for three years? Five years? Ten? I want them to forget about me. The less they know, the better.
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2015
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Cedar, I'm like you. I attach to every lonely person I find and invite them over...lol.
     
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ironically, I just saw this on FB......(the good, the bad and the ugly!!)

    Carrying the past: Finding the present moment in the New Year.
    By Eckhart Tolle, from the book, The New Earth

    The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.

    The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn’t restrain himself any longer. “Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to do things like that.”

    “I put the girl down hours ago,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”

    Now imagine what life would be like for someone who lived like Ekido all the time, unable or unwilling to let go internally of situations, accumulating more and more “stuff” inside, and you get a sense of what life is like for the majority of people on our planet. What a heavy burden of past they carry around with them in their minds.

    The past lives in you as memories, but memories in themselves are not a problem. In fact, it is through memory that we learn from the past and from past mistakes. It is only when memories, that is to say, thoughts about the past, take you over completely that they turn into a burden, turn problematic, and become part of your sense of self. Your personality, which is conditioned by the past, then becomes your prison. Your memories are invested with a sense of self, and your story becomes who you perceive yourself to be. This “little me” is an illusion that obscures your true identity as timeless and formless Presence.

    Your story, however, consists not only of mental but also of emotional memory—old emotion that is being revived continuously. As in the case of the monk who carried the burden of his resentment for five hours by feeding it with his thoughts, most people carry a large amount of unnecessary baggage, both mental and emotional, throughout their lives. They limit themselves through grievances, regret, hostility, guilt. Their emotional thinking has become their self, and so they hang on to the old emotion because it strengthens their identity.

    Because of the human tendency to perpetuate old emotion, almost everyone carries in his or her energy field an accumulation of old emotional pain, which I call “the pain-body.”

    We can, however, stop adding to the pain-body that we already have. We can learn to break the habit of accumulating and perpetuating old emotion by flapping our wings, metaphorically speaking, and refrain from mentally dwelling on the past, regardless of whether something happened yesterday or thirty years ago. We can learn not to keep situations or events alive in our minds, but to return our attention continuously to the pristine, timeless present moment rather than be caught up in mental movie-making. Our very Presence then becomes our identity, rather than our thoughts and emotions. Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?

    Excerpted from Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth, pages 139-141.
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    thank you, RE.

    I actually am doing well. I used to be depressed over just little slights from DNA collection for days or weeks. Now dismiss them fast. I repeat to myself the Serenity Prayer and other wise sayings like "the past doesn't exist." Another one I like is "Focus on your blessings." I have so many and I do!

    Actually, once Dad is gone (and it makes me sad to think of his leaving this earth, but he will one day), I doubt this will happen as there will be nobody connecting any of us to one another. My Dad has such a weird belief in sibling love that he keeps talking about us to one another, often angrily, and that just gets all of us on edge.

    Meanwhile, I have a loving family even if they are mostly not my DNA. I need to remember all I do have. There is so much good.
     
  16. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Kudos, MWM.

    :O)

    husband wondered once whether my mother might be jealous. Of me. I think I have it worked out more to anger at losing control...but could that have been part of it do you think, with your mom?

    If you sang beautifully, or wrote beautifully, or could act...that might be an intimidating thing, something to make a certain kind of mother angry. Abuse is so much about power over, about creating this closed little world where the only real thing, the thing that most matters, is the abuser.

    A talented child might threaten an abusive parent's determination to erase the child's will. My mom was that way a little bit. I can still feel the way that felt, but I haven't thought about it in a long while. Here is a recent example: My mother and I were at WalMart. My mother came along, certain this, that, or the next person were looking at me because of how I look.

    I was like, 61 at that time, MWM.

    No one was looking at me anymore because of how I look.

    Though I will say, I do cut quite a swath among the over eighty crowd.

    That was a joke.

    husband response, when I say they fall at my feet?

    Coronary.

    :O)

    It was a strange thing, and I didn't know what to say to my mom. I made a little joke about it.

    But I know she's done the same kind of thing to my sister.

    I don't think this is normal. I have not felt inclined to notice or make much of the attention my daughter or granddaughters draw. Other than an appreciative glance, it seems offensive. To my mom, it seems more real than real. Locus of control out there, maybe?

    Interesting things to wonder about.

    I am glad, MWM.

    It is good for you to know you stood tall and strong, and that your father accepted that and even, valued you the more for having done it.

    I think that dynamic requires a victim. In a way, my sister's "We've been duped." was an invitation to unite (welcome back to the family) against my mother.

    Or maybe I am wrong.

    There just doesn't seem to be the energy, the charge there, anymore.

    We have all grown through the sharing we have done, here.

    I think this is true, too. Each interaction with my family of origin seems to become a violation.

    I just got that.

    It's a matter of perception. I was so sure we could do this, before ~ make family, I mean.

    So now I know what a boundary issue looks and feels like. It's when you have to forgive someone so often you don't even think of it as forgiveness. You describe it, to those who see it happen and know it for what it is, as "That's my mother / sister.

    I just got that, too.

    Well, that's good, then.

    Cedar
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing, Cedar.

    My mom was only proud of me when I was doing her proud, so to speak. She herself was a borderline or histronic who danced and was a dancing teacher. She WANTED me to dance, but I had no coordination so she took some solace in the singing and acting. When my voice changed, as it does in children, she was angry that I quit singing. Actually, at 13 I had my very first extreme major depression which was so bad I could barely get out of bed and the only time I actually had delusions with the depression. I thought that all the k ids who teased me at school were standing around the house listening in on me so I had to whisper. I could not have continued to sing and do drama that year if I had wanted to. I was completely disabled. THAT was part of what made me the black sheep...the early mental illness striking. They did nothing, of course. There was nothing to do back then. My mom got very agitated with me for crying and saying "I'm scared, but I don't know what I'm scared of." She got angry at me for turning the closet light on in my room. She got angry because I wasn't popular.

    The one thing that did bother her was that my grandmother loved me so much, although, now that I have been in so much therapy, I realize that Grandma partly loved me to bait her daughter. It was a sick cycle.

    The mental illness sealed it with my siblings too. I was "lazy, selfish, an idiot, etc." I did have better years. I'd have a terrible year, like age 13, and suddenly I snapped out of it very quickly at 14 and had a good year. Mostly I spent my teenage yers in a mixed state, which makes one irritable. You feel both happy and sad at the same time. It's hard to explain and on my medications...I haven't felt that odd sensation in so many years I can barely remember it.

    My mother felt a psychiatrist would turn me against her so that was off the table...haha. However, as stated, they didn't do much other than talk to you those days and often did cause family rifts. As if there wasn't one already.

    Moving on, I am very pleased that my dad seems to respect me now that I have made it clear I don't require or even want his money and will not have him controlling me because of it. He is t he only family member I could set a boundary with and not have it be turned against me and I appreciate him for that, even if he is not perfect.

    Cedar, I actually don't believe in the concept of forgiving somebody who is not remorseful. I don't forgive, I dismiss. I push them aside in my life. That makes more sense to me than forgiving people who were so mean to me.

    Although I vent about my DNA a lot here, I actually do not spend that much time thinking about them elsewhere. I was able to get past Sis and Bro very quickly today and unless I am talking to my dad or we are posting about our family of origin here, I can pretty much discharge them to the back of my mind. I have made the definite decision not to stir my own pot which requires me to stay away from bro and sis forever. The pain is too intense when I even check their FB page. At least for a while. It would be much worse to engage them in real life.

    The less I have to do with them and the less they know about me, the more we will fall away from one another and they will run out of things to say about me to each other and I will know that and think about them less and less.

    Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives :). My work day is fun and my co-workers nice. I look forward to going :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2015
  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Those challenges have made you very strong. That comes through clearly here on the site, especially as you have unraveled the toxicity in your family of origin and clarified what was really happening around you. I appreciate your honesty about how all that felt. I was talking to difficult child daughter about what it was like for her as an adolescent, and it nearly broke my heart to hear it. She described that same unreasoning kind of fear, and she described too feeling that she didn't fit in anywhere, and that she wasn't popular. It looked so different from my point of view ~ difficult child daughter seemed to be such a little rebel. She has friends who are loyal to her to this day. It must have so much to do with how we interpret what is happening to us.

    I wish I had known to see it all differently. Still, you believe the people who tell you they know how to help ~ at least you do until it doesn't work.

    I am glad you are able to turn away from the sib issues. You are right. Once you see it you cannot unsee it, and boy, does everything look different once you do.

    Here's to us both, and to every one of us struggling to find the truth in the ways we learned to make sense of our situations, both as moms, and as little girls.

    :O)

    Or as dads, and as little boys.

    Cedar
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That's my star. It means "Cheers!" lol.

    I have a lot of insight. I always did. At age six I remember thinking, "I'm different. Why am I different? What's wrong with me?" I also remember thinking "This family is not a normal family." And I was looking up mental health diagnoses in the Encyclopedia Britannica (remember them?) when I was thirteen. When I knew something was "off" I would go on a crusade of my own to try to find out what it was and to perhaps be able to make it better for me. I had no support or help. I simply had myself. And I was always a deep thinker. This and the therapy helped me "see" very early what my family was. Letting go and not blaming myself for what I was accused of...those took much longer. I was almost fifty by the time I realized that my mother's cruelty was about her own self, not me.

    I still like to ruminate, think, mull, look up info. It doesn't make me sad. Nothing is more interesting to me than human behavior, and it has really been helpful that I have wanted to learn so much. I am also grateful that I have the ability to take good advice and not feel guilty about putting it into action. This all helped me not ony become a better, more balanced person, but a good parent. I know I was that.

    I am sorry it took you longer, but you got there. We are sisters, in a way, sharing all and, without any anger or jealousy, enjoying our triumphs and sympathizing with one another's tribulations. I value the relationship.
     
  20. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Me, too.

    Cedar
     
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