For those who have little to no contact with difficult child?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by judi, May 13, 2007.

  1. judi

    judi Active Member

    <span style="color: #3366FF"> </span> <span style='font-family: Century Gothic'> </span> <span style='font-size: 14pt'> </span> Okay, for those of us who have difficult children who don't want a relationship, what do you do?

    1. When asked about my kids, I gloss over the bad stuff and pretend.

    2. For family members, I tell them I honestly don't know what my son is doing or thinking.

    3. His son's mother (whom we have a good relationship with) will sometimes ask if we have contact with our son. We don't get in the middle of this one - we always say no we haven't talked with him.

    It is so hard in the end - nothing is ever easy with these kids.
     
  2. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Its hard even when you do have contact...to answer those questions.
     
  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Yep, judi, I get those questions....especially difficult when our daughter is all positive, great job, promotions, finishing an MBA and then oh, what is your son doing?...

    I usually say something like, Trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up....then, let the conversation move on to something else. Most of our friends don't even ask about him anymore...which saddens me, but I really don't know what else to say. He has tried a few college classes, so I sometimes mention that...not that I know he has passed or completed them, but it at least offers a little direction or hope for me.

    I don't say what I really want to:"I'm thankful that he is employed and out of jail." That would really knock their socks off.....

    We are working on our relationship with difficult child. He generally doesn't consult us on his decisions, but he is no longer in our home. We phone each other, about once a week and occasionally go out to lunch or dinner, our treat. That's about all we can handle at this point. I keep conversation light and don't preach, why waste my breathe? Usually he is in a pretty good mood, so I'm hoping his last jail time will truly be his "last."
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Judi, like Sunny said, it's hard even when you do have contact.

    Because Rob lives 1.5 hours away, I rarely see or talk to him. He likes to "control" how frequently we connect and I don't have a problem with that anymore. It bothers me that most of the time I can't get in touch with him if there's an emergency but if he has a working number (and minutes on his phone) then I'm okay.

    My heart goes out to you. I know your situation is different and way more frustrating. But I was certainly where you are more than once. Then...it seemed that the more I let go, the more Rob is willing to come in my direction. It has been a long process.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  5. realangel

    realangel New Member

    people who know me dont ask.

    his bio father doesnt even ask!
     
  6. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    We're to the point now that people don't even ask...even family. Sad.

    Abbey
     
  7. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    If it's a friend I tell them the truth. If it's someone I don't know well I say "he lives in NJ with his father." My family has acted liked he died since he left home and never mention him, which really annoys me.
     
  8. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks guys - that's pretty much what I do too. My daughter in law came over today and during the course of the day asked me not to tell difficult child where they are living. They recently bought a new house in another town. I was kinda put out but said nothing. difficult child has NEVER EVER contacted them either good or bad contact. I have no clue why she even said this. My friends and family don't ask anymore either - its like he died. He sometimes has phone minutes but more often not. He doesn't work and doesn't seem at all interested in working or supporting his son.
     
  9. Ally

    Ally New Member

    I get asked all the time how difficult child is and it varies from time to time, depending on who it is, what I tell them. Most I tell the truth to, others I lie.. (white lies are ok right??)
     
  10. judi

    judi Active Member

    I think so Ally.
     
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    No one asks us anymore either. Not even family.
     
  12. judi

    judi Active Member

    Daisylover - I too know this pain - unfortunately.
     
  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    judi, it is hard to live in limbo while they grow a brain and use it to remember the life lessons we taught them. still, the lessons are in there someplace. one day your son will call or show up out of the blue.

    with danielle, I do not let her dig info about ant. that is not the reason I am in contact with her...it is because of my grandson. I tell her she has to do what she has to do. ant never paid one cent of child support and she never went for it. she threatens to. I tell her I will not discuss her and ant, only Kaleb. she and I have a fairly good relationship. if it were not for kaleb I would not be in contact with her at all. ant has had many women and I do not get to know them.

    people still ask me about ant weekly. not family...but friends and people who come to my work who have known me 26 yrs. They always ask how my son is doing. I tell them he is still a work in progress. they then say they will keep him in their prayers.
     
  14. Jen

    Jen New Member

    Having contact with them is sometimes just as ahrd as when we dont. I mean for when friends and families ask about them and we cont want to lie, but we dont want to tell them the truth either.

    Jen
     
  15. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    My answers depend on the person asking. Most people that know us know some of the trouble and I just say I don't know what he is doing now (which is the truth) husband's family never mentions his name

    My mother went each day since he left home asking if I have heard from her grandson. Each time I said no, I really don't think I will here from him. She has finally stopped asking me everyday.
     
  16. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    I'm pretty honest with most people. Sometimes it is a blessing for them to know that other parents are struggling. Others look down their noses at me (must be a parenting problem) and some have stopped asking.

    Guess you find out who your true friends are that way.

    I found that someone I thought was a true friend really wasn't. One time I called her (I was very upset about difficult child and needed to vent). She made snide comments about the way we parented and then proceeded to brag about how perfect her easy child's were(NOT!!!)
     
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: judi</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    1. When asked about my kids,</div></div>

    I tell them where he is and what (if anything) he is doing. Just the facts, man.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: judi</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> 2. For family members</div></div>

    The ones that I don't trust are told the same as everyone else. The ones that know what is going on know the truth and that these are his choices not mine. Of course, his ignoring us makes it easier to detach. :crazy2:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: judi</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> 3. His son's mother (whom we have a good relationship with) will sometimes ask if we have contact with our son. </div></div>

    We don't have that problem yet, thank goodness. I agree that "no" is a perfectly reasonable answer in this situation, and if she is asking, that means she must also understand why you don't have contact with him.
     
  18. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the replies. We do not talk with our grandson's mother about difficult child. However, we do pretty much support the baby with diapers, wipes, baby food, clothes, things that aren't covered by WIC or Public Aid. This girl has an older child who is almost 4 and we help out with her too. That father (not our son) does not pay any child support either and she hasn't gone after him. (He has a good job and recently bought a new home). However, she filed against our son who doesn't work - hunh??? Anyway...we'll see how things go.
     
  19. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the replies. We do not talk with our grandson's mother about difficult child. However, we do pretty much support the baby with diapers, wipes, baby food, clothes, things that aren't covered by WIC or Public Aid. This girl has an older child who is almost 4 and we help out with her too. That father (not our son) does not pay any child support either and she hasn't gone after him. (He has a good job and recently bought a new home). However, she filed against our son who doesn't work - hunh??? Anyway...we'll see how things go.
     
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