Help!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Junglelandmama, May 4, 2011.

  1. Family,

    This past week has been hades and I hate this time of year! Every year, about this time, difficult child escalates to out of control and she is at it again.

    I hate mental illness.

    It is not some "big event". No rage that got physical, except to herself. No trashing of her room, it already is trashed, she demands to live in chaos. No running away, just threats to that effect. No wild "boy behavior" just huge flirting events with boys next door. No drug/alcohol use but boy do I want that (lol). No huge school events, just refusal to complete work and homework.

    But it is the daily stuff of disrespect, major rudeness, especially towards me. Yesterday, however she took it to the next step of purposesly hurting me and easy child 3 emotionally, in the car where there was no escape. Somehow I forgot that I could pull over anytime and kick her butt out the car. :sigh:

    Anyways, after we got home, easy child 3 and I barricaded in my room once again, I called husband and said that's it. I am done. Basically, it's her or me.

    For the 1st time ever, he actually came home early from work and took over. difficult child continued with attitude and made veiled threats towards husband, me and easy child 3.

    He and I had a long talk alone, about how he isn't ready to "give up" on difficult child. I said that I don't look at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as giving up, I see it as being extremely proactive. husband and I are just her parents, trying to offer a happy life for our family. difficult child is too much, she needs ultra structure that the average family cannot provide.

    I think he is finally seeing that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is treatment, not "giving up".

    He is calling therapist today to arrange a session for just us and her to talk about options. He is picking difficult child from school today. He is asking me to protect myself and easy child 3 by staying away from difficult child as much as possible.

    This is huge. He is the most anti-confrontational person I know. Will usually bend over backwards to avoid the major issues. Will work twice as hard to keep the peace instead of working towards a solution. I am very proud of him and feel validated for the first time re: difficult child.

    I am at the point of easy child 3 and I moving out if something major doesn't change. I will not tolerate living "under fire" daily any longer. My line in the sand is drawn.

    I am sick to my stomach and hands are shaking but our lives will not be controlled any longer by difficult child.

    We have done everything and I mean everything "they" have suggested plus tons more and nothing changes. I am no longer willing to have easy child 3 dragged down by difficult child's choice of behaviors. Yesterday in the car, I looked in the rearview mirror and easy child 3 was silently sobbing, and whispering "difficult child, stop hurting my mommy's feelings".

    This feels so awful, am I making the right decision? Should easy child 3 and I just leave and let husband and difficult child muddle thru the way they did those 9 months we were gone? husband and I feel committed to our marriage, it is the most important thing, we want to stay together. But then that means difficult child has to get help.

    We have had a Behaviorist here and that helped while he was here. We have had Tdocs since she was 6. She has had 9 hospitalizations, one 6 weeks long. She has been in a "therapeutic foster home". She has had umpteen medication changes. She has been in SDC. She is involved in sports and things she loves. She is surrounded by animals, especially her dog. We have super close family support. She has had Equine therapy...

    We just don't know what else to do.
     
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Before you jump to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), can you wait a few days until things calm down and see if anything in particular is bothering her? Could she be PMSing? I know she is having a rough time of year ( I remember my difficult child doing that the 2nd half of school year) is there another avenue like Big Sister or something of the sort? Maybe reinstate the in home supports.

    I will be honest - I feel like you are on the verge here. Are you seeing a counselor? I recall well the last time you needed to be away from difficult child. Please take care of you. I know you joked about drugs/alcohol sounding good to you - please let that be an alarm in your head. You need some additional support.
    I only mention it in case you can not see it, the similarities of last time.

    HUGS!
     
  3. Yes, I agree, I am on the edge. But this time I see it and yes, I do have a therapist. This has been going on since easy child 3 and I moved back over 6 months ago, not getting better, getting worse. difficult child has therapist at her beck and call and she utilizes that avenue alot. She even stated yesterday that she (difficult child) wants a break, cannot stand having me back in the house, wants to live somewhere else. Ya know, the grass is always greener. She is not happy, ever.

    I was joking about the drugs/alcolhol, I am in recovery, but yesterday tested my strength big time. I am off to a noon meeting and praying that helps.

    I do see this as a mostly my thing, really I do. But difficult child is NOT happy, is esculating at home and school and neighbors are noticing and worried about her around their children. Issue came up yesterday and she nearly punched a LITTLE girl 1/2 her size. Girl's dad was not happy. I said, well at least it was an almost punch. He didn't see the humor~

    Anyways, thank u for caring enough to be honest~ love u~

    Hugs
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    i am so sorry things are so very rough. It has been a long time since we were there but the memories haven't faded a bit. I do NOT think you are being selfish. in my opinion this is absolutely a time to stick to your line in the sand. I am proud of you for going to a meeting. Sobriety is hard and with a difficult child, well, I fully can see how it would be so much harder.

    I am glad your husband is looking at options and not just wanting to muddle through. We all have many different roles in our lives and it can be hard to figure out which one shoudl have priority in a situation. Almost a year ago I had to put my daughter and sister roles in the back and my mom to Jess and thank you role up front and center and cut my gfgbro out of my life. It is your time to put your mom of easy child 3 role in front of your mom to difficult child role and put your self role up front there also. Stick to your line, invite your husband to join you in escaping the tyranny of your difficult child. She can go to a placement either Residential Treatment Center (RTC) if you can get one or even back to therapeutic foster care if needed. But there is NO reason she should be allowed to continue to traumatize you and difficult child. Or to split up your marriage.

    I hope your husband follows through with action.

    (((((hugs)))))
     
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you for accepting my honesty. I am glad you have strength! Stay on your recovery - most important. HUGS!

    You know, when difficult child was doing visitation as one week at dad's and one week with me...she was at her best. We all were. I think she would start to get on everyone's nerves (and everyone got on hers) by the 5th day, but we always made it to the 7th. Every week though, we were all on edge by the end.
    Now that she has moved out...she is the most pleasant child in the world. I really believe some kids just don't do well in the parental setting. Perhaps a routine of change is best for her - and everyone. What could you do to get those breaks for the entire family? Have you considered respite?
     
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Hey Vicki, let husband know that kt has been in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) 5 times & wm 4 times over the years. Not the easiest decision (tho it got easier over time). I'm here to tell your husband that I haven't given up on either of the tweedles.

    I have, however, learned to step back. I've learned to not take personally any "term of endearment" or abusive comment. I've learned (with help of staff @ Residential Treatment Center (RTC) & therapist's) to separate the child(ren) I love from the mental illness/disorder. I've learned that kt needs expectations & limitations, more so than most her age & have implemented that to the nth degree.

    Whether young difficult child is cognizant of the hurt caused by "sharing her feelings" doesn't matter. There are certain rules of society & expectations in the family of common courtesy. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for both kt & wm was the first step in helping them learn those skills & more.

    Take a deep breath & move forward.
     
  7. Well, therapist was here for about an hour with husband and me. She listened and offered to help in any way she can. She lives in our neighborhood and said she can be available every day if needed. She offered a compromise, looking into a temporary placement to give us all a breather and to collect all info needed for possible Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement~~if difficult child's behavior does not change immediately.

    So, long story short, husband and i had a talk with difficult child and let her know that the disrespect, rudeness, meaness, etc. is to stop immediately. If drastic change has not happened soon, she will be going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), most likely out of state. She flipped out of course, made this all about us choosing to send her away. We redirected her back to, your behavior/your choice.

    She begged us to "just put me in foster care", we said that could be an option, but it would NOT be at her bff's house or any other place she chose. Rather it would be a place to help her with her behaviors and come back home if appropriate. She flipped out again, stating we just did not understand her and the pressures on her not to hurt herself or others. How she has to fight feelings of wanting to run, constantly. She said she is always thinking of ways she could hurt herself or find drugs or alcohol. She said she was NOT doing those things, just working hard on not thinking about it.

    We told her we know she is working hard and that we understand about all the pressures of being a teen in today's society.

    All in all, husband stood his ground and said behaviors change or we need to find some place that can help her in this area.

    I dunno, alot more was said and I am still trying to make sense of it all. therapist is picking her up in the morning and taking her to school. They have already talked 2 times this afternoon.

    I wonder how much actually got thru to her, she was sooo focused on "you just want to send me away", but I pray she heard how much we love her and just want her to be happy. That is all, just a happy, respectful child.
     
  8. Last ♡ Hope

    Last ♡ Hope New Member

    After being trapped on the highway, at night, in the middle of nowhere, hurtling through the darkness at 75 miles an hour when difficult child decided to rage and attack - I have become very adept at pulling over and telling his six year old butt to get OUT.

    When I first adopted this policy he'd stop his escalating and contain himself long enough for us to get home. The last time I had to do it he actually said "FINE!" and got out of the van and was laughing at me like 'now what, huh?' so I told his brother to shut the door and I started slowly driving, at first he was laughing and running thinking he could outrun the van, (because in his mind he can outrun, outwit, overpower anything, anyone, anytime, trust me, he goes on at great length about it) but about half a block later he realized he was going to get left behind. He freaked. Like he had no idea that would happen. When I saw the sh***y expression on his face change and he started to cry, I pulled over at once. He got back into the van and apologized mightily. I haven't had to do it since. Thank God he's six because if you tried that with a teenager, they'd turn and walk the other way. No idea what I'll do at that point... :groan:
     
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